Crusader Kings 2 (PC, Mac, and Linux)

The King is dead and it’s your time to rule. Choose from a Kingdom across Europe and take control of its monarch. Consolidate your power and, essentially, do whatever you wish. Do you want to be the king of Ireland? Go for it. Simply wish to amass wealth? Nothing wrong with that. The one thing you must do is manage your family because continuing the game is not about the persistence of your nation. Instead it is based on the persistence of your dynasty — and the last thing you want is that blithering idiot, Michael, on the throne.

History

Crusader Kings II was created by the Paradox Development Studios and published by Paradox Entertainment. They’ve been known for publishing and creating other Grand Strategy games. Uhhh… sorry, no trivia today.

Crusader Kings II was released on February 14th, 2012. It’s competition was The Darkness II (PC,PS3, and XBox 360), Dear Esther (Mac and PC), and Alan Wake (PC).

Experiences

I won’t lie, I have a hard time keeping track of the members of my dynasty and my children. To remedy this I name all my children silly things based on their randomly generated names. I mean, who could forget about DRAXX and his brother NACHO. NACHO’s son, NACHO II, was good with money from a young age, he made a great Steward on the council. DRAXX’s sons didn’t work out so well. His third son EON OF AGES thought that he was better suited to rule and tried to lead a revolution. It failed and DRAXX had to watch his son EON OF AGES rot in the dungeons for several decades.

ALL HAIL MOTHRA! QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS!

Gameplay

Crusader Kings II is a Grand Strategy game which basically means it’s a gigantic menu-fest where each menu has value imposed on in from a series of stats and numbers. It’s a very slow burn game where master strategies get built up until they culminate in a master stroke. It’ll seem like nothing has happened in years and then France ceases to exist and has been divided into 13 feuding mini-kingdoms.

Oh goodness, those two mini-Frances almost make a whole France.

You play as a King, Duke, or Count who vie for power internally and externally. Your character is based on the Diplomacy, Martial, Stewardship, Intrigue, and Learning statistics which are influenced by the characters traits. Traits include things like being Zealous, Ambitious, a Genius, a Leper, or Slothful. Traits also effect how different characters feel about each other and certain choices become available to characters with certain traits.

It’s difficult to fully express how many different menus there are and how they interact with the world around you but I’ll cover the most important menus with the most activity. Those would be the character panel, where you can see your stats and choose your ambition, see your family, and check on various loyalties. And the other is the council where your most trusted –hopefully– and skilled –also hopefully– advisers do your bidding. These are the Chancellor, Marshal, Steward, Spymaster, and Court Chaplain.

Seriously, that game has so many goddam menus. They do become familiar over time.

The big thing that differentiates this from games like Medieval II: Total War is that diplomacy is mired in ancient laws and traditions. It’s impossible for a character to declare war on someone else unless they have a just cause to do so. This is where the intrigue and skullduggery comes in. Where diplomatic marriages and bribes are used to fabricate or create claims on someone else’s territory. Which allow a declaration of war and subsequent invasion.

The Gush

The ruler designer is one of the greatest pieces of DLC ever imagined. Normally you have to choose from one of the currently existing rulers of the age but the ruler designer changes that. It allows you to insinuate a new ruler with stats and traits of your choosing as the ruler of whatever county, dukedom, or kingdom you choose. I’m personally fond of strong, lustful, hunchbacked, midas touched, lepers. Overall the designer is a great opportunity to try different things and see what suits you.

All he needs now is a dumb name in all caps so I remember he’s mine.

The writing in this game is really good. The descriptions of traits, the phrasing of letters, the responses to random events are all witty, pithy, and simply fun. It fills the whole game with flavor and personality.

The Kvetch

This game doesn’t have a difficulty curve, it has a difficulty wall. It took me going through the tutorial twice and watching a lot of guide videos on Youtube before I was able to make heads or tales of what the hell was going on. It was a pretty big investment and I don’t regret making it but it’s something that did suck.

Too much DLC. Wanna play Venice? Gotta buy the DLC. Wanna play a Muslim Monarch? Gotta buy the DLC. Want some new different music? Gotta buy the DLC. It’s just really frustrating to dish out $40 for the game and then $5 or $10 more again and again for so many little things.

Look at this shit? There’s so much! And it just keeps going!

Sometimes RNJesus will hate you and bad shit will happen. Only 5% chance of getting maimed from a random event choice? Oops, now your character’s got no legs and everyone calls him stumpy. 26% chance yearly to fabricate a claim on a county? Takes 10 years to come through.

The Verdict

If a Medieval, Byzantine, Draconian, politics simulator sounds like something that would interest you then this game is really the one stop shop and the only shop at that. I cannot think of another game that goes as in depth as this one. It’s a largely unique experience that’ll keep you switching gears between teaching children one minute and dispatching troops the next. It’s a little pricey at $40 but since it’s the only game of its kind it can command that price. That being said, it’s on sale quite frequently so you can save some cash by being patient.

Next Week: Lisa: the Painful

Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den (PS3, Mac, PC, and XBox 360)

This review is going to assume that you’ve Played Bioshock 2 or read my review on it. So if you haven’t you can check it over here.

Another day, another Alpha Series. You are Subject Sigma — totally different from Alpha. This one’s got a Sigma symbol on his hand and starts the game with telekinesis. Your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to infiltrate Rapture Central Computing and retrieve the schematics of it’s great machine The Thinker. The Thinker is a marvel of Adam fueled machinery, complete with the power to predict future events and replicate the personality of other humans. It’s current owner however is not interested in letting you come near it. He’s insane and screaming something about The Thinker predicting disaster if Sigma get’s too near. Fight your way through hordes of pencil pushing splicers and Limited Edition Lancer Big Daddies as you get to the heart of Minerva’s Den.

History

Minerva’s Den was made by 2K Marin, a studio that’s worked on Bioshock 1, 2, and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified — so it’s not all great. They made the DLC with a team of about 40 people. It was released as the final DLC for the game and the only piece of non-multiplayer DLC content.

Fun Fact: The multiplayer DLC would only matchmake people into the new maps if all players going into the match owned them. So players who purchased these maps almost never got to see them because so few purchased the DLC overall.

Minerva’s Den was released on August 31st, 2010 for PS3 and XBox 360. And on May 31st, 2011 for PC.

Experiences

I played through this game blind for my youtube channel #shill. Playing through it like this gave me me the impression that Bioshock 2’s PC port is a slapdash mess. I had my suspicions with its ‘Press a clear picture of an XBox A button to confirm’ instead of ‘press enter’ or something. But running my recording software made this game crash, stutter, drop frames, and basically shit itself if I had certain Windows Microsoft Word updates installed, the graphics settings were not just so, I sneezed, or sat too still. These interruptions and hindrances definitely negatively impacted my experience and tinged the whole experience with frustration.

Gameplay

Minerva’s Den is just DLC for Bioshock 2 and it’s built on the same engine so it plays exactly like Bioshock 2. I could copy past the gameplay section from my previous review but I won’t.

It’s got some new elements like the new plasmid, Gravity Well which creates a sort of gravity grenade that sucks enemies in and explodes them out. There’s a new Big Daddy that can flash-bang you with its laser gun. And there’s a new laser weapon which is cool, I guess, because it shoots lasers — my major complaint being that it’s a constant stream so I can’t whisper ‘pew pew’ at my computer screen.

Sadly, you can’t blind enemies with your laser gun.

Otherwise it’s a condensed version of the standard fare. Run, jump, shoot, use techno-magic, rescue little sisters (or harvest them, you monster), and get bitched at by people over the radio. And when I say ‘condensed’ I mean that the whole experience gets jammed into 4 levels.

The Gush

Hey! Did you wonder what happened to Tenenbaum after we lost track of her in Bioshock 2? Well this DLC explains that. It’s time for the conclusion to the Tenenbaum story and an explanation as to how and whether she can cure Big Daddies of being golem slaves. It’s only a pity that we had to pay 10 dollars for it.

The bad guy, Wahl’s, interactions with The Thinker and musings on the nature of the predictive equation (the thing it uses to predict the future) are fascinating. He doesn’t understand if he has free will any more or if he’s just an extension of the equation. Does the Thinker control the equation or just read it? It’s really compelling to see this spliced up maniac fall apart in front of our eyes.

The Kvush

The Thinker is a legitimately interesting character. I wanted to hear how it saw itself or what it was like. I basically wanted to know ‘who’ The Thinker thought it was as an artificial being. But…  we don’t get any of that. The Thinker performs tasks with robotic precision as if it doesn’t have the personality we can clearly see that it possesses.

The Kvetch

Okay, so, because this is a Bioshock game there are locks to which the keys are plasmids. But the Gravity Well lock is just plain stupid. Actually, it’s more like the keyhole is dumb but I’ll just explain it. There are locked doors that can only be opened by using Gravity Well on these little diodes beyond the door. So, how do you get the Gravity Bomb to these diode things? Do you throw them in a vent? Nope. Do you use telekinesis to do something cool? Nope. Instead, each door is just seperated by a wall with a huge ass window you throw the poly through.

And it’s a huge hole. This is a security system that could be thwarted by a fucking ladder.

Um… so, Wahl says that Lamb has no influence in Minerva’s Den. That’s cool, I can dig it, gotta keep ’em seperated. But then why does interacting with Little Sisters summon Big Sisters? Why are there even Little Sisters gathering here? I thought they were all meant to collect Adam to turn Eleanor into a Utopian? If that doesn’t make any sense to you then that’s okay because neither does most of this DLC.

Oh man, don’t you hate when you think of a twist more clever than the twist that you get? Yeah… I hate that too.

The Verdict

I’m not a big fan of Minerva’s Den. Apparently it’s got lots of good reviews but I will say that I didn’t like it. If you’re hungry for more Bioshock 2 action then go for it, it’s only 10 dollars and hitting glasses wearing, pollen sniffing, spider- splicers does have a certain satisfaction to it. But if you were totally done with Bioshock 2 then I wouldn’t press the issue.

Next Time: Crusader Kings II

Zoe’s (MMO)RPG Corner: Echo of Soul

Echo of Soul (EoS) is a free-to-play fantasy MMORPG I like to call “less shitty Tera” because it’s basically the same thing except with a gender lock on classes, less sexualization of girl children (which is not to say none) and not as many little doodles that made it into the final product, so that’s nice I guess?

History and Development

Echo of Soul is from Korea. It was developed by Nvius and published by Aeria Games in the US (who also brought us such magical titles as Scarlet Blade, unarguably the worst piece of shit I have ever played in my entire life, which I will not be reviewing because it just shut down, ding dong, the witch is dead). So like, we immediately know not to trust this game.

I can’t really find much more on the development of this game. I’m pretty sure that it’s another one made to make money, but hey, I guess most games are.

What I do know is that I picked this one up for the blog, and also because I really am in the process of finding a new MMO to blow some time on. This one seemed interesting because of the buzz it was getting on the internet (that buzz being “It exists!”) Sometimes I just search “popular MMOs” and see what’s going on out there.

This one I liked purely because it seemed less muddled than a lot of them and because the graphics were pleasent.

You know, someday I’m going to get to write another long, labor of love saga here, but I’m pretty sure EoS isn’t one of those.

Character Creation

So the first thing I should note is the gender lock.

This is one of those things that might be a deal breaker for a lot of people, and it almost was for me as well. See, there are six classes. Warriors, Rogues, and Warlocks and locked to male. I love playing warriors, and I’m pretty insistent on playing ladytypes, so for me this was almost a reason not to play this game, but I was willing to give it a try.

Mostly because Guardians looked cool.

Except for their wacky unnecessary boob physics.

The other two female classes, Sorceresses and Archers, were a little less interesting to me, and more traditionally “femme” classes, as both are long range.

The character creator, however, is pretty great. One thing that gets me about a lot of MMOs is how many little sliders there are. I know I’ve mentioned in a couple of reviews that I don’t like too many details, and EoS has just the right amount. Also you can be blue. So that’s epic.

Story

So here’s what’s going down. There was a big war between the gods and the giants. The gods won, but the blood of the giants fucked shit up and corrupted the land. The PCs job is to stop the shitty corrupted souls from…I dunno, be more corrupting?

Giants are scary. All you really need to know.

Also there are larger souls with abstract concept names that need to get snagged from baddies.

Most of this I did admittedly learn from the opening cinematic because there’s a lot of writing in the story here, but some of it I did actually figure out as I played. I don’t know why games feel the need to include 150-300 words of exposition for each quest, but I wish they’d stop. If they were more concise, maybe I’d actually understand the story better.

But there are specifically marked main quests that guide you through the story, so at least you can grab some more information as you go. Not that it’s particularly interesting. The above information on story still holds true, basically throughout the game, but the main themes seem to be about purifying the land and returning it to pre-gross-giant-blood conditions.

Game Play

These are basic MMO controls. You have abilities, and you get more as you level up. It’s a TAB target system, you hit a button, you hit some other buttons, and then you kill things.

One of the more interesting parts of the game play is the soul system. This is what allows you a little customization when it comes to how to play the game. After you kill an enemy, you get a soul (or sometimes you get them from quests) which you can then purify and make into one of four types (it’s random, though, so you just get a bunch). Then you can use them for different buffs in battle, like a health increase or upping your attack speed. The cool down is long, but it’s a nice little detail.

Yes, there’s some customization in terms of play style built into class (each one has two specialties) but I found that I just stuck with one that fit me and didn’t try out the other very much. Actually, that kind of was how the whole thing went. I didn’t want to try other classes because, like many MMOs, it was really repetitive. I got through the tutorial with every class but then just stopped because god, who wants to kill four wolves again?

But again, that might just be a play style issue. I’m not sure.

Like story, I don’t have a lot to say here, because the game play is pretty basic. It’s not stellar. It’s not terrible. It does what it’s supposed to do and then just fades into the background. It happens to you, is the best way to put it. Not that that’s a bad thing, but the game play certainly isn’t something to write home about.

The Good

Even though I just said the game play was just there, I’m going on record that the combat is solid. Because it is. It’s kind of fun and it lets you do a lot with a little without really pushing anything on you. It’s intuitive, certainly–if you’ve played a video game before, you can play this one.

The designs aren’t bad–most of the time–and the maps are smaller and broken up so you’re not going to spend a lot of time getting lost on your way to a quest. This is something in this game’s favor to me. I don’t mind open world but I do tend to like linear games if it’s something this mindless. This is no Dragon Age: Inquisition where you want to see everything and something new and exciting awaits around every corner. This is just a slashfest and at least it knows it enough not to pretend it’s anything else.

But really, the designs could have been way more over the top and I like the simplicity.

Also, dungeons. I didn’t get a chance to talk about this earlier, but there are these dungeons that are solo which is great for someone like me who actually doesn’t want to make online friends. The dungeons come at different skill levels and you can go back later. They also sometimes include puzzles, and the fights are way more interesting than they are in the open world. And they can be kind of hard! But I had a good time doing them and found them to be well designed and entertaining.

The Bad

The gender lock I guess, but really, I wasn’t that upset about it. I mean, someday I want to see a gender lock that’s got lady warriors and dude healers, but I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. At least I got one femme DPS character, even though she was almost a little AoE support.

The Ugly

After playing this game, I’m going to take a long break from anything that wants me to read long paragraphs during games (which pretty much means all MMO’s, especially those produced in Asia). I don’t like the quests. It wears on me that everything was just like 500 words of “story” and then boiled down to “Kill ten bad guys”. I don’t care why I have to go commit snake woman genocide. I wish I did, but if you’re going to slow me down and make me read all that shit, my interest level is going to wane. A lot.

I mean, honestly.

I know this is a weird thing to say, because I’m both a professional writer and a voracious reader, but I’m not expecting to spend my video game time reading. It’s just not what I want to do. It’s a visual medium and I expect you to find a better, visual (or aural) way to explain quests to me. I don’t mind cut scenes and I’m fine with spoken mission briefings, but I’m not squinting at my computer screen to figure out why it’s so important that I bring you a bunch of rocks.

Oh, and I guess armor’s not great. Too many titties. But it certainly could be worse.

From here…?

…Eh. This one I’d honestly say to give a miss. I would tell you to try it, but if you’ve tried one free, online MMO (with a few notable exceptions, looking at you here, DCUO) you’ve kind of tried them all. If you want one that’s decent, I’d give this a shot. I had a good time bingeing it for a few weeks, but then I stopped playing it and I’m not planning on ever going back. It’s a nice break from other games, but it’s nothing special.

But it’s maybe better than other stuff running around out there in the same catagory. So I’ll give it a solid “Meh.”

Next Month: Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn! Cat girls! Way too much cuteness! Nostalgic music! We get to talk about Final Fantasy AND character creation!

Charles Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (PC)

The year is 2053 and the events you are about to witness — and instigate — are totally canon. Twelve years ago one B-Baller performed a Verboten Jam, invoking the Chaos Dunk. It leveled the venue, wrecked the city, and killed millions (For, as we all know, Basketball is the most powerful force in the universe). The fans grew fearful and in their panic began the great B-Ball purge. Many, once trusted and popular athletes  were slain as a grief-stricken population took revenge. Some ballers survived though, greats like Larry Bird, the treacherous Michael Jordan, and the perpetrator of the Chaos Dunk himself, Charles Barkley.

Without the power of B-Ball to sustain it, and with disaster just behind them, civilization began to degrade and usher in the Post-Cyberpocalypse. A terrorist organization known as BLOODMOSES has threaten the world with bloodshed and pain. They make good on their promise by executing a Chaos Dunk on Manhattan. Barkley claims innocence but his words fall on deaf ears. He must now safeguard his son and take down the true perpetrator of the latest disaster.

History

Charles Barkely Shut up and Jam: Gaiden was created by, infant studio, Tales of Games. Composed of members of an amateur game development forum names included such talents as GZ, Chef Boyardee, bort, and quackgyver. Development started over a discussion about someone on Wikipedia asking if the Space Jam was canon. Prompting further questions about whether the commenter was referring to the Loony Toons canon or Jordan’s life itself.

Barkley is actually referring to the Space Jam B-Ball. Space Jam is canon in this game.

The game was originally created in RPG Maker 2003 but was ported to Game Maker 6.1 due to its greater power and flexibility as a program. The game includes many stolen assets — especially those taken from Michael Jordan: Chaos the Windy City — the music however, was not stolen. With the exception of one track it was all made by Chef Boyardee.

Fun Fact: For all you Final Fantasy X fans out there it’s possible to play through the entire game with the Al Bhed language cypher.

Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden was released on January 22nd, 2008. It’s competition was No More Heroes (Wii), Sins of a Solar Empire (PC), and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii).

Experiences

I cannot recall when I first heard about this game. One of the older Let’s Players whose channel had since become abandoned probably played it. I just know that I saw it someone play it and had to track it down. I was horribly unprepared however for its unrelentingly dark story, grim world, hopeless scenario, and incredibly fun combat. I was expecting a goof, a lark, but I got more than that. I got something legitimately well made considering what the developers had to work with and more-so something imaginative and compelling. Something that transcends the silliness of its source material if you let it.

Gameplay

Charles Barkley Shup up and Jam: Gaiden plays like an average JRPG. There’s turn based combat, combat commands — each character getting unique mechanics to improve their attacks, no less — , skills that exhaust a secondary resource, and if everyone in your party runs out of health then it’s game over. You play as Charles Barkley and any he can call to his cause. That being said, he’s been hardened by the years — at this point he’s 70 years old– he’s cold, callous, and only looks after him and his own.

Of course it’s still tinged with B-Ball video game jargon.

The major draw of the game, however, is not the combat. The more fun and compelling aspects are the story and the world. A narrative that introduces the incredibly absurd and then takes it deadly serious. In which Michael Jordan abandoning his fellow Ballers and joining their persecutors is a serious character event that shapes the story.

The Gush

This game is so far over the top that it cannot see nor remember what the bottom looks like from its current lofty vantage. It’s a thing of wonder. The currency of the Post-Cyberpocalypse is Neo-shekels and Ecto-cooler is a healing item. I should also point out that this age is called the POST-CYBERPOCALYPSE! And yet it’s all so grounded in common story tropes and elements.

The music in this game is shockingly good. One of the songs was stolen wholesale from a Final Fantasy game but I’m of the understanding that the rest of it was made by Chef Boyardee. Even in the most mundane of circumstances the music accentuates the emotional impact of the scene — or is just incredibly metal.

The characters in this game are all so brilliantly realized. From Barkley’s dry, jaded, style to The Ultimate Hellbane’s art, poise, and seriousness everyone is their own creature, rarely limited to stereotype — I mean, the robot beeps and boops a lot like you’d expect a robot to.

B-Ball has never been so fantasized… and it’s great.

The Kvetch

This game is actually shockingly long. So long that I think its drags a little bit. Maybe something could have been cut or something could have been tightened. I’m really digging to find something I don’t like here and this is all I’ve got.

The Verdict

This game is incredible on its own merits and what makes it even better is that it’s completely free. Tales of Games has a free download on their website that’s kept up to date and bug-free for every new edition of windows. I implore anyone out there who doesn’t hate turn based RPGs and could go for something dark and absurd to download Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam: Gaiden. And keep an eye out for its sequel The Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa (Or TMRoTnnEfN7RoCTOGotMC2otHBS for short).

Next Episode: Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den