Crusader Kings 2 (PC, Mac, and Linux)

The King is dead and it’s your time to rule. Choose from a Kingdom across Europe and take control of its monarch. Consolidate your power and, essentially, do whatever you wish. Do you want to be the king of Ireland? Go for it. Simply wish to amass wealth? Nothing wrong with that. The one thing you must do is manage your family because continuing the game is not about the persistence of your nation. Instead it is based on the persistence of your dynasty — and the last thing you want is that blithering idiot, Michael, on the throne.

History

Crusader Kings II was created by the Paradox Development Studios and published by Paradox Entertainment. They’ve been known for publishing and creating other Grand Strategy games. Uhhh… sorry, no trivia today.

Crusader Kings II was released on February 14th, 2012. It’s competition was The Darkness II (PC,PS3, and XBox 360), Dear Esther (Mac and PC), and Alan Wake (PC).

Experiences

I won’t lie, I have a hard time keeping track of the members of my dynasty and my children. To remedy this I name all my children silly things based on their randomly generated names. I mean, who could forget about DRAXX and his brother NACHO. NACHO’s son, NACHO II, was good with money from a young age, he made a great Steward on the council. DRAXX’s sons didn’t work out so well. His third son EON OF AGES thought that he was better suited to rule and tried to lead a revolution. It failed and DRAXX had to watch his son EON OF AGES rot in the dungeons for several decades.

ALL HAIL MOTHRA! QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS!

Gameplay

Crusader Kings II is a Grand Strategy game which basically means it’s a gigantic menu-fest where each menu has value imposed on in from a series of stats and numbers. It’s a very slow burn game where master strategies get built up until they culminate in a master stroke. It’ll seem like nothing has happened in years and then France ceases to exist and has been divided into 13 feuding mini-kingdoms.

Oh goodness, those two mini-Frances almost make a whole France.

You play as a King, Duke, or Count who vie for power internally and externally. Your character is based on the Diplomacy, Martial, Stewardship, Intrigue, and Learning statistics which are influenced by the characters traits. Traits include things like being Zealous, Ambitious, a Genius, a Leper, or Slothful. Traits also effect how different characters feel about each other and certain choices become available to characters with certain traits.

It’s difficult to fully express how many different menus there are and how they interact with the world around you but I’ll cover the most important menus with the most activity. Those would be the character panel, where you can see your stats and choose your ambition, see your family, and check on various loyalties. And the other is the council where your most trusted –hopefully– and skilled –also hopefully– advisers do your bidding. These are the Chancellor, Marshal, Steward, Spymaster, and Court Chaplain.

Seriously, that game has so many goddam menus. They do become familiar over time.

The big thing that differentiates this from games like Medieval II: Total War is that diplomacy is mired in ancient laws and traditions. It’s impossible for a character to declare war on someone else unless they have a just cause to do so. This is where the intrigue and skullduggery comes in. Where diplomatic marriages and bribes are used to fabricate or create claims on someone else’s territory. Which allow a declaration of war and subsequent invasion.

The Gush

The ruler designer is one of the greatest pieces of DLC ever imagined. Normally you have to choose from one of the currently existing rulers of the age but the ruler designer changes that. It allows you to insinuate a new ruler with stats and traits of your choosing as the ruler of whatever county, dukedom, or kingdom you choose. I’m personally fond of strong, lustful, hunchbacked, midas touched, lepers. Overall the designer is a great opportunity to try different things and see what suits you.

All he needs now is a dumb name in all caps so I remember he’s mine.

The writing in this game is really good. The descriptions of traits, the phrasing of letters, the responses to random events are all witty, pithy, and simply fun. It fills the whole game with flavor and personality.

The Kvetch

This game doesn’t have a difficulty curve, it has a difficulty wall. It took me going through the tutorial twice and watching a lot of guide videos on Youtube before I was able to make heads or tales of what the hell was going on. It was a pretty big investment and I don’t regret making it but it’s something that did suck.

Too much DLC. Wanna play Venice? Gotta buy the DLC. Wanna play a Muslim Monarch? Gotta buy the DLC. Want some new different music? Gotta buy the DLC. It’s just really frustrating to dish out $40 for the game and then $5 or $10 more again and again for so many little things.

Look at this shit? There’s so much! And it just keeps going!

Sometimes RNJesus will hate you and bad shit will happen. Only 5% chance of getting maimed from a random event choice? Oops, now your character’s got no legs and everyone calls him stumpy. 26% chance yearly to fabricate a claim on a county? Takes 10 years to come through.

The Verdict

If a Medieval, Byzantine, Draconian, politics simulator sounds like something that would interest you then this game is really the one stop shop and the only shop at that. I cannot think of another game that goes as in depth as this one. It’s a largely unique experience that’ll keep you switching gears between teaching children one minute and dispatching troops the next. It’s a little pricey at $40 but since it’s the only game of its kind it can command that price. That being said, it’s on sale quite frequently so you can save some cash by being patient.

Next Week: Lisa: the Painful

Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den (PS3, Mac, PC, and XBox 360)

This review is going to assume that you’ve Played Bioshock 2 or read my review on it. So if you haven’t you can check it over here.

Another day, another Alpha Series. You are Subject Sigma — totally different from Alpha. This one’s got a Sigma symbol on his hand and starts the game with telekinesis. Your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to infiltrate Rapture Central Computing and retrieve the schematics of it’s great machine The Thinker. The Thinker is a marvel of Adam fueled machinery, complete with the power to predict future events and replicate the personality of other humans. It’s current owner however is not interested in letting you come near it. He’s insane and screaming something about The Thinker predicting disaster if Sigma get’s too near. Fight your way through hordes of pencil pushing splicers and Limited Edition Lancer Big Daddies as you get to the heart of Minerva’s Den.

History

Minerva’s Den was made by 2K Marin, a studio that’s worked on Bioshock 1, 2, and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified — so it’s not all great. They made the DLC with a team of about 40 people. It was released as the final DLC for the game and the only piece of non-multiplayer DLC content.

Fun Fact: The multiplayer DLC would only matchmake people into the new maps if all players going into the match owned them. So players who purchased these maps almost never got to see them because so few purchased the DLC overall.

Minerva’s Den was released on August 31st, 2010 for PS3 and XBox 360. And on May 31st, 2011 for PC.

Experiences

I played through this game blind for my youtube channel #shill. Playing through it like this gave me me the impression that Bioshock 2’s PC port is a slapdash mess. I had my suspicions with its ‘Press a clear picture of an XBox A button to confirm’ instead of ‘press enter’ or something. But running my recording software made this game crash, stutter, drop frames, and basically shit itself if I had certain Windows Microsoft Word updates installed, the graphics settings were not just so, I sneezed, or sat too still. These interruptions and hindrances definitely negatively impacted my experience and tinged the whole experience with frustration.

Gameplay

Minerva’s Den is just DLC for Bioshock 2 and it’s built on the same engine so it plays exactly like Bioshock 2. I could copy past the gameplay section from my previous review but I won’t.

It’s got some new elements like the new plasmid, Gravity Well which creates a sort of gravity grenade that sucks enemies in and explodes them out. There’s a new Big Daddy that can flash-bang you with its laser gun. And there’s a new laser weapon which is cool, I guess, because it shoots lasers — my major complaint being that it’s a constant stream so I can’t whisper ‘pew pew’ at my computer screen.

Sadly, you can’t blind enemies with your laser gun.

Otherwise it’s a condensed version of the standard fare. Run, jump, shoot, use techno-magic, rescue little sisters (or harvest them, you monster), and get bitched at by people over the radio. And when I say ‘condensed’ I mean that the whole experience gets jammed into 4 levels.

The Gush

Hey! Did you wonder what happened to Tenenbaum after we lost track of her in Bioshock 2? Well this DLC explains that. It’s time for the conclusion to the Tenenbaum story and an explanation as to how and whether she can cure Big Daddies of being golem slaves. It’s only a pity that we had to pay 10 dollars for it.

The bad guy, Wahl’s, interactions with The Thinker and musings on the nature of the predictive equation (the thing it uses to predict the future) are fascinating. He doesn’t understand if he has free will any more or if he’s just an extension of the equation. Does the Thinker control the equation or just read it? It’s really compelling to see this spliced up maniac fall apart in front of our eyes.

The Kvush

The Thinker is a legitimately interesting character. I wanted to hear how it saw itself or what it was like. I basically wanted to know ‘who’ The Thinker thought it was as an artificial being. But…  we don’t get any of that. The Thinker performs tasks with robotic precision as if it doesn’t have the personality we can clearly see that it possesses.

The Kvetch

Okay, so, because this is a Bioshock game there are locks to which the keys are plasmids. But the Gravity Well lock is just plain stupid. Actually, it’s more like the keyhole is dumb but I’ll just explain it. There are locked doors that can only be opened by using Gravity Well on these little diodes beyond the door. So, how do you get the Gravity Bomb to these diode things? Do you throw them in a vent? Nope. Do you use telekinesis to do something cool? Nope. Instead, each door is just seperated by a wall with a huge ass window you throw the poly through.

And it’s a huge hole. This is a security system that could be thwarted by a fucking ladder.

Um… so, Wahl says that Lamb has no influence in Minerva’s Den. That’s cool, I can dig it, gotta keep ’em seperated. But then why does interacting with Little Sisters summon Big Sisters? Why are there even Little Sisters gathering here? I thought they were all meant to collect Adam to turn Eleanor into a Utopian? If that doesn’t make any sense to you then that’s okay because neither does most of this DLC.

Oh man, don’t you hate when you think of a twist more clever than the twist that you get? Yeah… I hate that too.

The Verdict

I’m not a big fan of Minerva’s Den. Apparently it’s got lots of good reviews but I will say that I didn’t like it. If you’re hungry for more Bioshock 2 action then go for it, it’s only 10 dollars and hitting glasses wearing, pollen sniffing, spider- splicers does have a certain satisfaction to it. But if you were totally done with Bioshock 2 then I wouldn’t press the issue.

Next Time: Crusader Kings II

Charles Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (PC)

The year is 2053 and the events you are about to witness — and instigate — are totally canon. Twelve years ago one B-Baller performed a Verboten Jam, invoking the Chaos Dunk. It leveled the venue, wrecked the city, and killed millions (For, as we all know, Basketball is the most powerful force in the universe). The fans grew fearful and in their panic began the great B-Ball purge. Many, once trusted and popular athletes  were slain as a grief-stricken population took revenge. Some ballers survived though, greats like Larry Bird, the treacherous Michael Jordan, and the perpetrator of the Chaos Dunk himself, Charles Barkley.

Without the power of B-Ball to sustain it, and with disaster just behind them, civilization began to degrade and usher in the Post-Cyberpocalypse. A terrorist organization known as BLOODMOSES has threaten the world with bloodshed and pain. They make good on their promise by executing a Chaos Dunk on Manhattan. Barkley claims innocence but his words fall on deaf ears. He must now safeguard his son and take down the true perpetrator of the latest disaster.

History

Charles Barkely Shut up and Jam: Gaiden was created by, infant studio, Tales of Games. Composed of members of an amateur game development forum names included such talents as GZ, Chef Boyardee, bort, and quackgyver. Development started over a discussion about someone on Wikipedia asking if the Space Jam was canon. Prompting further questions about whether the commenter was referring to the Loony Toons canon or Jordan’s life itself.

Barkley is actually referring to the Space Jam B-Ball. Space Jam is canon in this game.

The game was originally created in RPG Maker 2003 but was ported to Game Maker 6.1 due to its greater power and flexibility as a program. The game includes many stolen assets — especially those taken from Michael Jordan: Chaos the Windy City — the music however, was not stolen. With the exception of one track it was all made by Chef Boyardee.

Fun Fact: For all you Final Fantasy X fans out there it’s possible to play through the entire game with the Al Bhed language cypher.

Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden was released on January 22nd, 2008. It’s competition was No More Heroes (Wii), Sins of a Solar Empire (PC), and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii).

Experiences

I cannot recall when I first heard about this game. One of the older Let’s Players whose channel had since become abandoned probably played it. I just know that I saw it someone play it and had to track it down. I was horribly unprepared however for its unrelentingly dark story, grim world, hopeless scenario, and incredibly fun combat. I was expecting a goof, a lark, but I got more than that. I got something legitimately well made considering what the developers had to work with and more-so something imaginative and compelling. Something that transcends the silliness of its source material if you let it.

Gameplay

Charles Barkley Shup up and Jam: Gaiden plays like an average JRPG. There’s turn based combat, combat commands — each character getting unique mechanics to improve their attacks, no less — , skills that exhaust a secondary resource, and if everyone in your party runs out of health then it’s game over. You play as Charles Barkley and any he can call to his cause. That being said, he’s been hardened by the years — at this point he’s 70 years old– he’s cold, callous, and only looks after him and his own.

Of course it’s still tinged with B-Ball video game jargon.

The major draw of the game, however, is not the combat. The more fun and compelling aspects are the story and the world. A narrative that introduces the incredibly absurd and then takes it deadly serious. In which Michael Jordan abandoning his fellow Ballers and joining their persecutors is a serious character event that shapes the story.

The Gush

This game is so far over the top that it cannot see nor remember what the bottom looks like from its current lofty vantage. It’s a thing of wonder. The currency of the Post-Cyberpocalypse is Neo-shekels and Ecto-cooler is a healing item. I should also point out that this age is called the POST-CYBERPOCALYPSE! And yet it’s all so grounded in common story tropes and elements.

The music in this game is shockingly good. One of the songs was stolen wholesale from a Final Fantasy game but I’m of the understanding that the rest of it was made by Chef Boyardee. Even in the most mundane of circumstances the music accentuates the emotional impact of the scene — or is just incredibly metal.

The characters in this game are all so brilliantly realized. From Barkley’s dry, jaded, style to The Ultimate Hellbane’s art, poise, and seriousness everyone is their own creature, rarely limited to stereotype — I mean, the robot beeps and boops a lot like you’d expect a robot to.

B-Ball has never been so fantasized… and it’s great.

The Kvetch

This game is actually shockingly long. So long that I think its drags a little bit. Maybe something could have been cut or something could have been tightened. I’m really digging to find something I don’t like here and this is all I’ve got.

The Verdict

This game is incredible on its own merits and what makes it even better is that it’s completely free. Tales of Games has a free download on their website that’s kept up to date and bug-free for every new edition of windows. I implore anyone out there who doesn’t hate turn based RPGs and could go for something dark and absurd to download Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam: Gaiden. And keep an eye out for its sequel The Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa (Or TMRoTnnEfN7RoCTOGotMC2otHBS for short).

Next Episode: Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (PC, Mac, Linux, XBox 360, and PS3)

After Roland and his friends opened The Vault of The Destroyer in Borderlands 1, but before Jack held Pandora in peril by opening The Vault of the Warrior there was a bit of a transitory period. The one we know as Handsome Jack wasn’t always the terrifying, maniacal, and deluded dictator we met in Borderlands 2. Before his meteoric rise to power he was a simple code-monkey named John. John was assigned to the Hyperion planetary orbiting space station, Helios, and used its facilities to learn about The Vault of the Watcher on Pandora’s moon, Elpis.

As soon as John hires four — or six depending on whether you bought the DLC or not — Vault Hunters to track it down Helios is attacked by a group of ex-Dahl corporation soldiers known only as the Lost Legion. Lead by their commander, Zarpedon — the game treats the name with all the respect it deserves — and assisted by a strange Eridian being they conquer Helios.

And I do mean Strange with a capital S or whatever letter or word that’s supposed to be.

 

You play as one of these Vault Hunters as you run and gun your way across the foreign moon. Use your abilities, jump in sweet moon gravity, slam, and try not to run out of air or get killed by the desperate natives of Elpis.

History

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel was developed by 2K Australia, assisted by Gearbox Software, and published by 2K Games. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford remarked that there was no current plan for a third installment in the Borderlands series because, “We don’t know what that is yet. We can imagine what it must achieve, but we don’t know what it is yet.” I personally think they wanted to keep the Borderlands momentum going so Tales from the Borderlands and the Pre-Sequel got the green light.

2K Australia used their position as primary developer to include a lot of Australia culture — in short, Elpis is literally space Australia (Rugged terrain, monstrous creatures, tough locals… sounds like Australia to me). That all being said, Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel is the last game 2K Australia would ever make and would get shut down on April 15th 2015.

Borderlands: the Pre-Sequel was released on October 14th, 2014. It’s competition was The Evil Within (PC, XBox 360, XBox One, PS3, and PS4), Bayonetta 2 (WiiU), and Civilization: Beyond Earth (PC, Mac, Linux).

Experiences

So, Claptrap is a playable character in this game and I do not know anyone who likes playing him or playing alongside him… except me. Playing him is a super troll tactic because his abilities are actually incredibly powerful but then… you have to listen to him and have him on your team. Now, here’s the thing, I’ve never found Claptrap to be particularly annoying. I understand that he’s got a squeaky voice, occasionally breaks into dub-step solos, has an addiction to high-fives, and is generally awful at everything but I’m luke-warm on it. I think what really pisses people off is that when Claptrap uses his action skill, Vault Hunter.EXE, it prevents or forces all other Vault Hunters to do something. So… naturally I play him all the time.

That being said the Vault Hunter.EXE effects are really powerful… but pseudo random.

Gameplay

Like all Borderlands that came before it, this game is about guns, loot, leveling up, a sprinkling of story, and high silliness in a hostile environment. The setting of the day is Pandora’s, shockingly habitable, moon known of Elpis — I see what they did there with their Greek myth references. The thing that differentiates Elpis from Pandora is that it’s filled with Australians, oh yeah it also has diminished gravity and no oxygen. The creatures are tough and the locals are tougher and they’re all gonna stop you from getting into the Vault of the Watcher.

Zarpedon might be a doofy name but the Lost Legion’s commander will wreck you with or without her robot suit.

Being on Elpis brings unique challenges and mechanics. Since the moon’s got no oxygen you’ve got to keep an eye on your oxygen levels — except you don’t because most enemies drop O2 tanks. And since the moon has less gravity you can jump really high and use a little oxygen to propel you forward. While you’re up there you can also expend O2 to propel yourself into the ground producing a slam that damages all nearby enemies. You can also use O2 to revive downed teammates faster so… O2 is an ever-present and useful resources… cool.

The Gush

Each character now has their own unique vocal responses to campaign dialogue. Some of them even have totally unique banter with NPCs. Playing through the game as every character offers that character’s understanding on things — Except Wilhelm, that guy kinda just cares about the money.

It feels SOOOO good to get off Pandora. Elpis has got laser weapons, a lot of the same problems, but — even though there’s no atmosphere– it was a giant breath of fresh air. It showed me how the galactic corporations screwed over and exploited the resources of other planets in addition to Pandora. And while you’re on Elpis…

… YOU CAN DRAW THE MIGHTY EXCALIBASTARD FROM THE ROCK or…

You can meet a new cast of kooky characters! Meet Janey Springs, The Merriff, and kill a sentient AI who’s only crime was trusting the universe to be just — that got really dark… I loved chatting with and doing quests for the denizens of Elpis.

Not to mention the return of many familiar faces.

Oh man, don’t you hate it when you’ve got that backpack full of useless and crappy weapons? Well now you can shove them in The Grinder and turn them into a new weapon of the same quality and level and have the chance to grind them into a weapon of a higher quality. Including the ability to turn epic weapons into legendary ones. I know the odds are slim, but any odds is better than nothing at all. And anything I can do with my spare weapons that isn’t sell them for nearly useless money is a welcome addition.

The Kvush

I’m a little torn about a game showing Jack’s rise to power. I didn’t think it was really necessary or treading new ground. Borderlands 2’s insights into Jack’s past told me everything I needed to know about him. He loves his wife, loves his daughter, his daughter’s a siren, she loses control of her siren powers, incinerates mom, Jack does everything in his power to provide for her and control her power, gets obsessed with control, gets obsessed with doing the right thing, and that leads him to control the company that tried to grind him into the dirt –which would have threatened Angel’s safety– and then he loses all the bearing on his moral compass when he actually comes into all the power he ‘deserved the whole time’. I definitely found the story about the Vault of the Watcher to be interesting if only because it expands on the connection between Eridians, mortals, and sirens. I know that it had to show all the stuff going on with Jack but I just wish it had been in an better package, I suppose. That’s why this is in the Kvush instead of either of the other sections.

The Kvetch

New characters, new skills, new laser weapons, new elemental type, new butt-slam attack, and despite it all the game feels a little stale. It’s still just a game of kill, loot, kill, quest, kill, loot until you’re satisfied or simply done with it all. Because the game runs on Borderlands 2’s engine the game even looks and feels the same as its predecessor — especially when you’re not in a low gravity environment. If you had your fill of Borderlands 2, The Pre-Sequel might taste like more of the same.

Half of the DLC in this game is functionally worthless. The new characters and Claptrap’s Claptastic Journey were a great value that I found loads of fun. Even so the ending of the Claptastic Journey let me down hard — then again, it’s about Claptrap, maybe that was the point. Skip on the season pass and just grab the stuff you want.

Oh man, look at how cool they make this trash look!

It’s a small complaint but it really gets on my nerves. In Borderlands 2, after you defeated the Warrior he would vomit loot all over the battlefield before perishing. Disregarding the convenience of the act, that’s awesome — I love loot. And if you went back to his den he’d be magically returned to life, ready to die and vomit more high class weaponry and junk all over the place. For whatever reason, despite being harder to get to, The Watcher can only be fought again on a higher difficulty with the expenditure of this game’s rare currency, moonstones. Why? Why you gotta play me like that?

The Verdict

I really enjoyed Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel –with inverse proportionality to how difficult it is to type. (Seriously, a colon and a dash is just too much for me). Even after I played Borderlands 2 I was still hungry for more silly gun/looting action and this really scratched the itch. Throw in a new setting and the ability to annoy my friends *AHEM* I mean the privilege to play as Claptrap and then go into his incredibly depressed and depressing head and they’ve got me hook, line, and sinker.

Next Week: Charles Barkley: Shut up and Jam Gaiden.

Papers, Please (PC, iOS, and PS Vita [TBA])

You are a citizen of Arstotzka — Glory to Arstotzka. After applying to the labor lottery yet again you’ve finally been assigned a position — and not a moment too soon, your savings just ran out. You have been granted the privilege of being a Border Inspector. Checking over documents of incoming immigrants to make sure they are supposed to enter the country. Every person you process correctly earns you the money your family needs to survive. If they all die on your watch or your account balance is in the red then it’s game over. Cross-reference information, learn correct passport information — and there’s lots of it — and make moral decisions on the border of Glorious Arstotzka.

History

Papers, Please was developed indie style by Lucas Pope. A former developer for Naughty Dog, he left the company during Uncharted’s development to strike out on his own. Papers, Please was intended to be made in six months but it took three more for Pope to make it to his liking. It was inspired in part by his experience living in Japan as a US citizen, describing the experience of dealing with immigration as ‘tense’.

Papers, Please was released on August 8th, 2013. It’s competition was Spelunky (PC), Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons (X Box Live Indie Arcade), and Gone Home (PC, Mac, and Linux)

Experiences

When I started this blog I did so with the principle that I should finish every game before I discuss it.

I beat Bubsy for you people.

I kind of put some cracks in that principle when I tried to beat Speed Racer: In My Most Dangerous Adventures — and almost did if the last race wasn’t nearly impossible– failed, but reviewed it anyway. But this is the game that truly broke me of the notion. Papers, Please is the best game I’ve never completed. The stress and monotony made the game too unpleasant to continue. I made it to day 18, 3 hours in before the game became too complex for me to play without screwing up routinely. As an anxious individual it wreaked havoc on my nerves. As a mild completionist it is the one game that exists in a sort of equilibrium of too painful to finish but also too shameful a failure to forget.

Gameplay

Papers, Please sells itself as a Dystopian Document Thriller and it delivers. Each level consists of a work day in which the player only has a limited amount of time to examine and authenticate as many immigrants’ paperwork as possible. This authentication process includes checking their passport, its city of distribution, the sex of the immigrant, name, what country their from, if they have a work pass, if the work pass has the proper seal… it’s incredibly stressful madness. Every day you have to spend the money you earn on keeping your apartment warm and feeding your family, consisting of you wife, son, mother in law, and uncle. If they’re not kept fed and watered then they’ll die — but hey, that’s fewer mouths to feed if you want to look at it like a cynical monster.

Seriously, memorize these pages they will be on the test

Naturally, not everyone’s papers are in order. These people will have to be turned away or detained — if they get too lippy. It may sound boring, because it sort of is, until the Arstoztkan immigration board keeps changing the rules. Every day they will add a new rule and they just don’t stop. Once you’ve got ahold of that then the moral decisions will start. Occasionally your moral compass will be tested and doing what’s wrong or right might break the rules… which will cost you money… which you need to keep your family alive… so have fun.

Sorry Jorji, looks like your counterfeiter screwed you on this one.

The Gush

The moral situations can be mind-wracking, soul-wrenching, haunting affairs. My personal favorite experience was when it was the Inspector’s son’s birthday and I could spend five credits on buying him a tiny box of crayons. I nearly tore my hair out thinking about it because those were five credits I might not be able to afford to spend. Those might be the five credits I need to keep the house warm or put food on the table. Looking back it taught me that it’s a choice that no parent should ever have to face.

If that example was any indication, this game is filled with anguish — is anguish something I can praise? Art is meant to evoke emotion and Papers, Please certainly evoked a lot of emotions from me. If it wasn’t fear, it was panic. If it wasn’t panic, it was sheer torment. Save for the rare gleam of hope and happiness — I mean, I did buy the kid his crayons in the end and we managed not to starve.

The art style is really simple… I think drab is the better word. It serves the game fantastically, creating a sea of essentially nameless faces — I know they have names but I cannot remember a single one. I do remember the experiences and situations but I felt like I was dealing with the most generic of people.

Just another face and a pile of paperwork.

There is basically one song in the entire game and it only plays on the title screen. It is a marvelously stiff Arstotzkan anthem. The first trundling notes especially set the tone so well.

The Kvetch

This game is hard. It’s incredibly hard. I struggled from the very beginning to keep my head above water. The game includes an option to give the player a crutch bonus of 40 dollars daily and that might be the only way I can see it to the end. I know I’m depriving myself of the experience so I urge anyone to not use it unless absolutely necessary.

It’s not my complaint but I would be remiss if I didn’t warn that this game is not fun. It’s great, it’s fantastic, I love it and I wish it well with every fiber of my being but it was not something I would call enjoyable. It’s a trial, a testament, an experience — a great one, even — but it was not pleasant in the least. It’s not an average game played for laughs or for joy so don’t expect to find it in such dismal proceedings.

The Verdict

I cannot recommend Papers, Please enough for someone looking for something completely unique, brutally difficult, and frighteningly mundane. I’ll warn the anxious and the nervous that this game might set you off. It is something entirely unto itself and for the low low price of $9.99 it can be an addition to your Steam library. Seriously, check it out, even though it’s not fun it’s still amazing!

Speaking of mindless fun.

Next Week: Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel.

Worms 2 (PC)

Um, there are worms… with little nub hands… and weapons. They fight each other and the last worm standing is victorious. With a wide arsenal ranging from bazookas, air strikes, dragon punches, and exploding sheep matches are a tactical chess-like battle of wits against the AI or a frenemy. These little pink bastards can dish out some serious carnage and mayhem at your behest.

History

Worms was the brainchild of Andy Davidson. Originally Worms was an entry in the Blitz BASIC programming competition it was picked up by Team 17. The original title was on the Commodore Amiga but was ported to other platforms. Before Worms 2 was released for computers everywhere Davidson created a Director’s Cut for the Amiga which he considers the pinnacle of the series. Worms: Director’s Cut was the final release for the life of the Amiga.

Why am I talking so much about Worms 1? Because there’s not much development information for Worms 2.

Worms 2 was released on February 11th, 1998. It’s competition was Tenchu: Stealth Assassins (PS1), Blasto (PS1), and Xenogears (PS1)

Experiences

Oh man, I used to play this game all the time when I was a kid! I used to make my own maps and make my own weapon layouts. Eventually though, every weapon pack was just everything pumped up as strong as it could be. Biggest explosions, biggest blasts, most absurd stats. Looking back on it, it might be pure carnage but it’s also really boring. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun in its own way. But it’s just not really tactically satisfying. It’s basically a chess game where each side of the board is just filled with rooks.

Gameplay

Worms 2 is a strategy game where each player takes control of a team of worms who must use their weapons and tools in order to reduce their opponents HP to zero, knock them into the water below, or blast them off the map entirely. You do this by using weapons like mortars, homing missiles, sticks of dynamite, exploding sheep, shotguns, whatever’s handy. And you can change positions with ninja ropes, parachutes, and teleporters. If those fail then the game will enter sudden death mode and the water level will rise, spelling certain doom for unfloating earthworms.

Did someone order a giant Concrete Donkey? I’m pretty sure you did.

You can face your friends in multiplayer or the computer in skirmish matches or an incredibly difficult campaign. The PC release originally had internet multiplayer but it was such a byzantine mess I could never get it set up when I was younger. I doubt it’s gotten easier now.

The Gush

It’s easy to get lost in the cartoonish mayhem and carnage and just have some great fun. I still laugh when I hurl a super sheep and it takes to the air with its ‘totally not Superman’ cape.

Some of the intro cinematics are actually pretty entertaining. I would recommend that the slapstick inclined look them up on Youtube.

This game has got a pretty good map editor. It allows the player to set whether it’s a cavern, island, or totally boxed in area without water. The player can disable sudden death mode if they’re not a fan of it. They can even create custom weapons packages and alter the settings for each weapon. You can even make custom teams with custom names and custom voice clips. What I’m getting at is that this game is incredibly customizable and that’s awesome. Mods not required, this game has got everything ya’ll need.

Hot map editing action!

The Kvetch

Holy hell, the AI cheats. They have a way of using the wind hurl projectile weapons right into your worms with unerring accuracy. I routinely have to set them to lower settings because they’re just that tough. Unfortunately that’s not a possibility in the campaign and I just don’t care to git gud.

The gameplay gets a little dry after awhile. There are only so many ways something can get blown up. If you’re not playing with friends then this title might not last.

If you were one of those people always playing the 2-d tank battle games with all the weapons and you’re not burned out. This title might scratch the itch.

The Verdict

This game is like drinking a glass of warm milk on a humid and hot afternoon. A glass of warm milk before bed is great! A hot afternoon can be comfortable under the right conditions. Humidity always sucks. All of this stuff is put together into an experience I no longer enjoy. If you’re able to focus on any of it more than the rest then it can be quite enjoyable but it pales in comparison to modern titles in the series and GOG.com no longer supports its internet multiplayer but it still supports local multiplayer. For the low price of $5.99 it will definitely entertain a ten year old for a few months on the cheap.

Next Week: Papers, Please

Little Inferno (Wii U, PC, iOS, OS X, Linux, and Android)

A terrible blizzard has struck the city of Burnington — I can’t believe that’s the name. People huddle in their homes for warmth. The magnaminous Tomorrow Corporation sees opportunity. They design and dispense the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace! The perfect product to keeps kids occupied and  warm the homestead — While you’re at it, order some fine products from our Little Inferno burnables catalogs! You play as one of the children sitting at their fireplace, burning things, never looking away… just burning all the time.

History

Little Inferno was developed by the Tomorrow Corporation. An indie group composed of Kyle Gabler, Kyle Gray, and Allan Blomquist. They had previously worked on Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure — which actually looks pretty cool — and World of Goo — which is a much better known game that I’m sadly not fond of — and came together to form their own studio.

The development of Little Inferno was inspired by watching the Yule Log Program. You know, the one with the 14 second loop of a burning log in a fire place — yeah that one. They thought, “I wonder if we can start with an underwhelming premise, but then actually make the game really really surprisingly good.”

Little Inferno was released for Wii U and PC on November 18th 2012. It’s competition was ZombiU (WiiU), Thomas Was Alone (PC), and Baldur’s Gate: Enhanced Edition (PC).

Experiences

Little Inferno gets me in an oddly contemplative mood. What begins with mindless pyromania eventually evolves into existential questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I doing this? They begin grounded in the character and the setting but reach out to me soon enough. Why do I find it a suitable pass-time to burn things. The game does it best to keep things happy and upbeat until chapter 4 so I’m not sure if my reaction is intended or not.

Gameplay

Little Inferno is a… Simulation(?) game in which the player has catalogs of things to purchase and subsequently burn. Burning objects produces more coins than they cost and as such the player can purchase more expensive products from the catalog. While objects burn, the player can order more items and wait for them to be mailed.

Heart of darkness? Count me in!

Each item has its own attributes, abilities,  and delivery time. Deliveries can be expedited with stamps which can be acquired from burning things or performing combos. Combos are achieved by burning certain objects at the same time and are hinted at in the combo menu.

Occasionally the player will receive a letter from their next door neighbor; Sugar Plumps, The CEO of Tomorrow Corp; Miss Nancy, the mail man, or the weather man — reporting from the weather balloon, over the smokestacks, over the city, of course. These letters can be subsequently burned and serve to push forward the plot.

The Gush

What can I say, it’s a pleasure to burn. There is something satisfying about tending a campfire and that definitely translates to the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace. Sometimes I ignore the types of objects and just throw as many highly flammable things in at once.

Such a mighty blaze… I cannot help but watch.

Between the character dialogue, item descriptions, item animations, and item effects, this game is hilarious. Wooden spoons doing ballet, coffee cups shaking in caffeine frenzies, Sugar Plumps. I love it all.

Just… the word choice in this game is golden.

This game has an epilogue. It is a thing. It’s weird. I love it. It is major spoilers though so this is all I can say about it.

The Kvetch

I understand how the wait times insentivize spending stamps wisely but I think it would be cool if there was some sort of free-play or creative mode. Waiting 5 minutes for my tiny sun to ship is fun the first time — with the Christmas present-esque anticipation and all — but it loses its luster quickly.

The Verdict

I wuv this game to little burning bits — I’d go as far as to put the ashes on my mantle. It’s a little, short lived, compact experience that burns the candle at both ends. I’d say it’s worth the ten dollar price tag it has in most stores so if you like what you heard then check it out. And as the Kurgan says…

Next Week: Worms 2

Battletoads (NES, Amiga, Amiga CD32, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega Megadrive)

Somewhere in space a crack group of cosmic commandos, the Battletoads, are escorting Princess Angelica back to her home planet with Doctor T.Bird piloting their ship, The Vulture. One of the toads, Pimple, takes the princess on a little joyride in his flying car… for some reason. At this point The Dark Queen’s ship, The Gargantua, tractor beams the little car into her ship and whisks them away to Ragnarok’s Planet — I’m gonna assume it’s as tough and awesome as it sounds. When Dr. Bird realizes what’s happened he dispatches the remaining toads, Rash and Zitz, to the planet to execute a daring rescue.

History

Battletoads was developed by Rare and published by Tradewest. The basic idea was to do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the way Rare wants to — oh yeah and sell a helluva lotta merchandise. The game started out as a stock beat ’em up but Rare designers found that to be too generic and as such added more varied mechanics and level types.

Fun Fact: Before they settled on Battletoads, Amphibianz was seriously considered as the title of the game — I’m glad the unnecessary Z made it into Zitz’ name.

Battletoads was released in June of 1991. It’s competition was Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis), Super Mario World (SNES), and Final Fantasy IV (SNES)

Experiences

I can’t begin to express what I find so humorous about the Battletoads Game Store prank. I can’t even explain how it’s a prank. It simply entails someone calling up a Gamestop and ask if they have a copy of Battletoads for purchase — I’ve also heard of a variant for calling up a store and asking for a pre-order for Battletoads II. I just think the concept of calling up a modern game shop and requesting a copy of Battletoads is simply absurd and therefore funny. Something makes it even funnier when you know the employee taking the call — but the clerk my local 3-D Games store would know nothing about that.

Gameplay

For such an old title Battletoads is a shockingly diverse game. At first glance it may seem like a mere beat ’em up but like a magnolia of pain it blossoms into something so much greater and devastating. It’s almost in a league of its own, Battletoads is like Battletoads, it defies analogy — if you put a gun to my head and asked, ‘WHAT GAME IS LIKE THIS GAME’ I’d probably wet myself but after I was done crying I would grudgingly shrug out Earthworm Jim?

From beat up ups, to climbing levels, to racing levels, to dodging levels, this game has got nearly anything you can do on two legs and a jet bike. This being said it’s also so fucking-mothering hard that I only made it to level three. I made it to the infamous jet bike level and only because I warped there from level 1! I couldn’t even beat level 2 legit — I couldn’t penetrate the Wookie Hole if you will. Get your patience, save states, skills, or whatever you got ready because this is the game that defined the term Nintendo Hard.

Seriously, the level is called the Wookie Hole.

The Gush

The music in this game is a marvel of chip-tunes. It creates a rough-and-tumble otherworldly atmosphere that makes me thrilled to go smash some alien scum with my muscly toad body — and get annihilated.

This game might be hard as balls but it’s got some codes and warps to help you through. Nearly every even numbered level has a hidden level warp in it so look them up if a stage is giving you trouble. You can also get some extra lives at the beginning of the game or on Continue screens by hold A, B, down, and then pressing start.

For it’s time and even beyond this game looks fantastic. The colors pop, the shapes and images are recognizable — if a little goofy — and it’s easy on the eyes.

You know who else is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean… She’s going to destroy me, isn’t she?

For a game in which dying is a fact of life I never blamed the controls for a single death. I blamed the design and my own lack of skill a lot but I never thought ‘Why didn’t that work?’ or ‘I was totally pressing down!’

The Kvetch

I’m not exactly certain why our dear toads even have six health points. It seems like almost every attack does either one damage, half, or all of it. I was legit shocked when the pterodactyls from the first level killed me in one hit. With a life lost I crushed the thing and pressed on to be taunted by some healing flies which were now useless.

I’ve got to say, considering you’ll see the game over screen a lot, they’re all pretty funny.

The game has a devilishly good difficulty curve with each level ramping up difficulty until a crescendo if incredibly difficult tasks. This creates a problem however when I die late in a level and have to start the whole thing over again. Playing through the sort of ‘training’ parts repeatedly are really boring, mainly because…

… this game relies a lot on rote memorization. Things will ambush you, the speeder bike levels eventually turn into ‘do you remember the pattern?’, and there’s no recourse but to die and try to remember it for next time. It’s about as fun as a game of Simon and just as rewarding.

The Verdict

I’ve got to say that in my estimation this game is tooooooo hard for me. Call me a filthy casual who needs to git gud if you must but I’m just not a huge fan. If you want to own a copy of hard videogame history then Battletoads is actually a shockingly painless purchase. It’s on Amazon new for a mere 31 dollars, which might be pricey for an NES game but considering the insane collectible value of games I’ve been reviewing lately it seems like a breath of fresh air. If the concept of playing or beating a game that made me turn back — and I’m a guy who beat Bubsy — then give it a whirl!

Next Week: Little Inferno

Nuclear Throne (PC, Mac, Linux, PS4, PS Vita, and XBox One)

Round the campfire the mutants and monsters eat, drink, sing, and prepare. All of them wondering how they became what they are, what to do next, and if they’re dreams and nightmares of the Nuclear Throne are real. The path may be clear but the course is dangerous. If they wish they could fight they’re way through the bandits, monsters, awakened constructs, and the Inter-Dimensional Police Department (I.D.P.D. for short) with their trusty revolver and any other weapon they can scavenge to reach the Nuclear Throne.

History

Nuclear Throne was created by Vlambeer, a Dutch independent game studio, and designed by Jan Willem Nijman and Rami Ismail. Vlambeer advertised and received critiques through streaming services like Twitch on a bi-weekly basis during development. It was originally released on Steam’s Early Access service releasing updates on a regular basis until they created a product they were satisfied with.

Nuclear Throne entered Steam’s Early Access in October of 2013 and was released on December 5th, 2015. It’s competition was Fallout 4 (PC, XBox One, and PS4), Star Wars Battlefront (PC, PS4, and XBox One), and Mordheim: City of the Damned.

Experiences

In a stroke of absolute brilliance when you select a random character, die, and restart the game you’ll restart as a random character again. As such, I generally tend to play this way, experiencing something totally new every run, for about 40 minutes. The weirdest part is that it feels like I’ve been playing for a giant, knock out, slobber-knocker of a session but an episode of Gotham hasn’t even passed by the time I’m ready to move onto something else. In short, this game packs a seriously fun and frantic punch.

Look at this motley crew. Gotta play them all, at least I do.

Gameplay

Nuclear Throne is a 2-D, isometric, top-down, shooter, Roguelike. You play as one of a myriad selection of mutants who each have a special passive and active ability — Fish for instance collects more ammunition from pickups and can execute a sweet dodge roll.

Each level contains chests filled with ammo or new weapons to outfit the character — or leave behind if they’re garbage. Oh yeah and enemies, levels contain enemies. Once you defeat them all — whether you’ve opened all the chests and gotten all the goodies or not — a portal will open up nearby and pull you in to take you to the next level. In short, you spend a lot of time trying not to die and killing enemies — and usually failing.

The player can also pick up little uranium rod looking things. Once a character gets enough they level up and can acquire a mutation. You pick it between levels but only get to choose one of four out of a pool of 29 total possible mutations. So it’s important to try to pick mutations that mesh with the character’s abilities — or at least pick the best of the worst… I’m looking at you Hammerhead.

Also, the Robot character updates instead of mutating which I find amusing.

The Gush

I’m amazed at how much flavor Vlambeer instilled in each character with their visual design, some mumbling gurgles, and dialogue in between stages. From Fish’s ‘gills on my neck’ quote to Eyes’ frenzied mumbles — he’s covered in eyes, not mouths — I created an idea of what they’re like on the battlefield or around the campfire. My personal favorite is the local gun god Young Venuz, a floating Illuminati eye who converses in beatbox noises and makes it rain around the campground.

I mean, who am I to disagree with the game.

Nuclear Throne does a great job of being intuitively designed and yet guiding the player into deeper mechanics of the game. From teaching the player about super chests with the loading screen tips or teaching the player how to activate the Nuclear Crown portals with its visual design.

The difficulty curve of this game is nearly perfect. Even as enemies and bosses get tougher I learn enough in the interim to be consistently challenged but never left in the dark.

Holy shit, this soundtrack. From rollicking adventurous feelings of the opening theme and wasteland theme to the eerie ‘I shouldn’t be here’ feelings of the Frozen City it’s all made with purpose and intent. I bought this soundtrack for a reason.

The Kvetch

This game is a Roguelike and as such it’s harder than Crystal’s Rhyno Skin hide. Not to say that I don’t like it, just to say that it might be a turn-off.

The game has a difficult time clarifying where wall borders are and sometimes enemies will effectively hide underneath or behind map terrain because of the games’ perspective. I can’t tell you how much ammunition I’ve wasted shooting walls that I thought the shot would clear.

You see that corpse to the lower right of the cursor, you might not when the pressure’s on.

There’s a screen shake function and I don’t know why. If you want to take a trip to Barfsville then you’re welcome to play with it on.

The Verdict

If any of this remotely interested you then I suggest picking this game up. Its full retail price is 12 dollars and that’s a steal for such a purely joyous game. It’s absolute gun-based chaos and I love it!

Next Week: Battletoads

The Dark Tower Series (For books and audio books across the multiverse everywhere)

‘The Man in Black fled across the desert and the Gunslinger followed.’ I’ve heard that it’s the greatest line Stephen King ever wrote and even if you disagree you’ve got to admit that it’s up there — and it makes a helluva opening line. It tells so much about the story without saying anything. It would usher an anthology of seven books pushing forward, a little rocky at times, until it reached its terminus — not unlike The Gunslinger’s journey toward The Dark Tower itself.

Hear the tale of the last Gunslinger, Roland, as he makes his ways to the locus of reality, The Dark Tower, to save it and us from grizzly destruction.

History

The Dark Tower is a series of books written by Stephen King with the first being published in 1982 and the last being published in 2004 — not including the spin-off book The Dark Tower: The Wind Through the Keyhole which was published in 2012. He originally saw the stories as being too niche for a widespread audience but later released them in mass-market formats. He would also return to revise The Gunslinger after having finished the final installment to tweak Roland’s dialogue to better match the voice King had for him by the end of the story.

The Dark Tower also has a series of — not required but appreciated — spin offs including comic books and even a text based game, Discordia, which can be played for free on King’s website.

The release dates of the Dark Tower Series books are as follows.

1. The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger (1982)
2. The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three (1987)
3. The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands (1991)
4. The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass (1997) 
5. The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla (2003)
6. The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah (2004)
7. The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower (2004)
8. The Dark Tower: The Wind Through the Keyhole (2012)

Experiences

As the years draw on I find it more and more difficult to relate to my older relatives. Between the relentless march of technology and the many ways our world moves on I find I share less and less with them. Culture is losing its touchstones — not everyone reads To Kill a Mockingbird anymore and so on. And so it becomes more and more important, in my mind, to seek additional and yet hold on to the ones I have. My Father and I read this series in Tandem starting when I was 16. He always one book ahead and me one behind. We will always have our conversations about the journey of Roland and his friends, we will always have this between us

Plot

The Map of Mid-World. It’s hard to see without knowing but Roland’s path is on it.

Alright, time for a super short, nearly spoiler free summary that tells ya’ll everything you need to know. Roland is a Gunslinger descended from a long line of pseudo-Arthurian knights — but with guns — who have kept the world safe for generations. In his quest for The tower he acquires companions by a myriad of mystical means who are Susannah, a legless black woman with a schizophrenia fueled temper, Eddie Dean, a silver-tongued lanky guy, Jake, a tweenish boy — who under rules of the Stephen King character game is legally obliged to have mild psychic abilities — and last but certainly not least, a dog/squirrel hybrid creature named Oy who can speak a broken kind of english. All of whom, save Oy, are from New York City but from different points in time.

They’ve all gotta gallivant to the Dark Tower and they’d best do it on the quick because an evil emperor calling himself the Crimson King means to destroy it and along with it shatter all of reality and all of the other realities that have, will, or are currently in existence. In short, shit be wack and these guys gotta fix it.

I mean, this thing just breaths importance.

Themes

Since humans have questioned the existence of a divine power I think they’ve questioned whether there is such a thing as fate. Mid-World is a place in which fate truly exists and its name is Ka. Scholars, in the story, have spent centuries learning about its rules and how to influence it and for the large part their methods seem more scientific than not. Yielding results from their lifetimes of experiences, passed on to Roland. It creates a story of stories in which coincidence and heroic achievement are sort of built in qualities to Mid-World.

The Dark Tower also is part of King’s expansive canon. All of his books contribute to this story in some small way — and a few very large ones — and as such our world is one that Roland and his friends occasionally visit. Mid-World is a mystical place but even so it occasionally must ask aid of its technological sister planet, Earth.

The Gush

Mid-World has a wonderful sort of slang language to it. With such terms as Ka-Mai — meaning Ka’s fool — or how they use Sai as a suffix of respect in the same way we might use sir or madam. It makes the world come alive with centuries of linguistic history.

There are so many mystical and I would dare say whimsical — though dark — moments in the story that have almost nothing to do with the quest for the Tower. The one that sticks out in my mind is a rippling of the worlds in which a series of mutants come from portals out of Mid-World into ours to die in a world that has not moved on. They all just sort of scamper off but King goes into great detail into the nature of their mutations and how Roland and Eddie respond to their incursion.

Some darker than others.

I love all of Roland’s companions, most more than I care for Roland himself — not gonna lie, Roland can be really stick in the mud boring (Eddie goes as far to refer to him as Tall, Grey, and Ugly when Eddie is upset with him) — but Roland never fails to surround himself with colorful characters, no matter the setting. My favorite of which being…

Two Words, Eddie Dean. My favorite of Roland’s colleague’s, without a doubt, is the fast-talking, wood carving, shaggy haired New Yorker by the name of Eddie Dean. He’s introduced to the Gunslinger as a slave to the demon Heroin. Described by his brother, the eminent junkie Henry Dean, as ‘being able to talk the devil into lighting himself on fire’. Despite being the slowest on the draw of Roland’s companions he’s the only one who has a confirmed kill with a dead baby joke.

The Kvetch

This series suffers from big dumb ending syndrome. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love it. But in my mind there’s a giant botch right before it where King breaks the 4th wall and pleads the reader to stop. To let the brutal weight of the true ending’s implications remain unknown. I’m not sure if it’s a genuine warning — in which case, don’t worry Mr. King, I’m a big boy, I can handle it — or if it’s some sort of jeering taunt like, ‘I could barely handle writing it, you probably can’t handle reading it.’ No matter what, it rubbed me the wrong way.

The Wizard and Glass is a book that, when rereading the series, I generally skip, preferring to read an abridged summary. I absolutely do not suggest dismissing it, there are parts of its story that are vital to understanding who Roland is. But I find it to be the definite weakest part of the series.

The Verdict

I’m a pretty big fan of this work and would definitely recommend reading it from beginning to end. If you’re not a big fan of King’s stuff I’ve known others who have similar tastes but find this series to be the exception. So, head on down to Amazon or your local book store and pick ’em up, they’re like 10 bucks apiece. Alternatively you can track down some hard cover versions with full illustrations and soil your choice of garment with glee at the quality of the art.

Next Week: Nuclear Throne