The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (PC, PS3, XBox 360)

Five years after the crisis in Morrowind spears have been outlawed and a new and powerful Daedra — which is the game’s word for demons — cult is part of a conspiracy to kill the Emperor of Cyrodiil, an act that hasn’t occurred in a long ass time. You play as a prisoner who is in the path of Emperor Uriel Septim’s flight from The Imperial City. Septim declares your presence as fate and tells his bodyguard to bring you along. Despite their best efforts to talk sense into Septim and keep him safe they fail in both regards. He is killed before your eyes and he bestows the Amulet of Kings on you — conveniently forgiving your crimes in this act, apparently. It is your duty to find the last heir to the throne and give him the powerful artifact — or you could go fight mud crabs instead, no rush.

When the legends say that a Septim must sit on the throne the legends ain’t foolin’. The walls between Cyrodil and Oblivion — Basically this game’s version of hell — and this strange cult are opening gates to usher in their Daedric host. Thwart their plans and take back Cyrodiil, brave prisoner-adventurer-guy or gal.

I love this guy, he’s like a magical Grandpa — voiced by Patrick Stewart no less. 

History

Immediately after the release of The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind in 2002, Bethesda began working on the next installment in the series, Oblivion. The Havok Physics Engine allowed them to create a world in which objects could actually move in a semi-realistic fashion. Improvements in graphics technology and hard work by the developers allowed them to create a world approximately 14 square miles large. Sadly the enormous throngs of imperial citizens had to be curtailed to 20 or 30 to a town due to major slow down issues.

The big draw was the new Radiant AI system, home-brewed by Bethesda itself. It allowed them to alter and create semi-random behaviors in the citizens based on certain traits they had. Hungry characters who tended toward crime would steal food. Thieves will spawn outside of towns and try to sneak around to steal valuables. Some civilians will run away instead of fight — and others will, unreasonable, fight to the death because I stole a loaf of bread.

YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER!

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion was released on March 20th, 2006. It’s competition was Kingdom Hearts II (PS2), Metal Gear Acid 2 (PSP), and Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence (PS2)

Experiences

When I think Oblivion I think glitches.  The game was notoriously glitchy on release. Bethesda would eventually do their best to patch things up but there were still problems. The craziest thing I’ve ever heard of follows as such.

My friend, we’ll call him Sparko, turned in a quest and in a scripted event he is attacked by the quest giver — nothing unnatural yet. Sparko retaliated, town guards arrived and joined in the brawl, killing the quest giver. The guards initiated dialogue and expressed sorrow that the dead man lost his mind. At which point the guards began shouting, ‘someone’s been murdered!’ about the man they just helped kill. Strangest of all, the body spontaneously rose as if nothing happened. He began to stare at where is dead body had formerly lain and joined in the chant of, ‘someone’s been murdered!’ Sparko then began to back away incredibly slowly.

In short, it’s a well coded game.

Gameplay

Oblivion is a Sandbox Fantasy RPG. You’ll be swinging swords, firing your bow, or casting spells to get from A to B across Cyrodiil, to complete quests, or explore exotic locales and lost ruins. Um… that’s all there is to it really. There’s an overlying plot about putting an emperor on the throne but there’s absolutely no urgency to complete it and a million other things to do. There’s really no wrong way to play the game

Except whatever this is. This is the wrong way to play the game.

Wanna kill an old lady, whatever, the guards’ll probably get pissed. Wanna steal stuff, aight. Like the plot and wanna pursue it, go ahead. Oblivion don’t judge and when it does it entails a slap on the wrist and some skill penalties — or death, those guards will not hesitate to kill you.

The Gush

Ragdoll physics might be the greatest innovation in video game history. Shooting a minotaur with a lightning bold and watching him flop through the air like a drunken ballerina is one of the most viscerally pleasing things on the planet.

The quests in this game are generally really fun and interesting. Some are even downright challenging and fascinating. I still remember the truth behind the Grey Prince’s lineage and I can’t think of a Daedric Prince quest that was boring.

Speaking of Daedric princes, the Shivering Isles is one of the greatest pieces of DLC I’ve ever purchased. I cannot think of a world in which I felt more like a guest in my own home than the dominion of Sheogorath, The Daedric Prince of Madness. Most of the time I find insanity to be a cheap character trait but the thing that makes Sheogorath great are his moments of clarity — so inconsistent is his inconsistency that he has powerful moments of immense sanity. The characters, architecture, creatures, and larger than life depiction of the Mad God himself blew me out of the water.

I mean, just look at this dapper bastard.

The Kvetch

The leveling up system in this game is a mess. I think it’s pretty cool that your skills level up as you use them, even if it is slower than dirt for some skills — I’m looking at you athletics. But then raising your skills related to your class makes you level up. I follow so far but in order to level up you have to sleep, why? I understand that it’s indicative of epiphany but… it’s annoying… really annoying — and the trite inspirational quote that accompanies each level up screen is similarly unwelcome. When you level up you select stats to increase by 1-5 points. I thought that the degree of increase was random but it’s actually related to the skills that were raised for that instance of leveling up and there are only a certain number of skill raises per level up. Each skill correlates to a certain statistic so if you want to make a statistically powerful character then you need to make sure you only raise certain skills that correlate to the stats that you want to raise and the game doesn’t tell you which skills correlate to which stats. How do you figure it out? You gotta look it up, I guess. TLDR: I JUST WANNA GET STRONKER! HOW DO?

I JUST WANT TO BE AN ORC! LET ME HIT THINGS!

I only complain so much about the levelling up thing because the higher your level the stronger the monsters get. So if you don’t put points in the right places, get good spells, and/or get good equipment then you’re gonna end up in the dust. My level 21 Orc Barbarian, Gronald, was stun-locked and viciously murdered by an unarmed goblin. That’s just wrong. This guy killed a giant demon spider and he got totally owned by goblin.

The persuasion minigame isn’t exactly intuitive and it’s certainly not fun. It’s not even particularly useful but some quests are impossible to complete without raising a subjects personal opinion of you.

Just looking at this, try to figure it out.

I gotta complain more about the level scaling because it doesn’t just effect the gameplay, it can even shatter the immersion. Enemy equipment is also scaled up so sometimes the struggling bandits are wearing ebony armor. How did he get that? He just complained about his rumbling stomach. Did he blow all of his money on his suit of armor? Why doesn’t he pawn it for enough gold to eat for a year? I’m so confused.

Wouldn’t it be weird if the Arena, Thieve’s Guild, Mage’s Guild, Fighter’s Guild, and Assassin’s Guild all had the same leader? If you so choose, your character can be this individual. I’m not sure what the design alternative would be but it seems odd that it’s even possible considering that these guilds sometimes have conflicting tenets. Maybe quest chains could just end without the player becoming the all high, supreme, mega, leader and the actual Leader’s closest agent. Or maybe they could only choose to be leader of one faction.

The Verdict

I know I complain about it a lot but a few ticks down on the difficulty meter and the enemy scaling becomes much more manageable. For those few proud souls who refuse to lower the difficulty on principle I say, ‘Godspeed. May you be beaten to death by unarmed goblins for your hubris.’ That being said, the game is worth it alone for the Shivering Isle’s Expansion. The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion is available on Steam for $20 with all the DLC included. For the complaints I’ve cited I’d wait for it to go down to $15. It’s fun but it can be a real pain in the genitals. Especially when you could play next week’s game for the same cost as it’s theoretical sale price.

Next Week: Shovel Knight

Armello (PC, Mac, Linux, iOS, Android, and PS4)

Armello is a kingdom composed of four major clans; Rabbit, Wolf, Bear, and Rat. Long ago they fought a grand, unending, war among one another but were united by the great and powerful Lion King. As of late however The King, a beacon of wisdom and justice, has lost his mind and begun to turn to dark magicks. You choose a hero from one of the clans and must dethrone the king by whatever means necessary –putting yourself on the throne wouldn’t hurt either–, Purge the land of this evil, become the heir apparent, kill the king with your own hands, or prove that you are truly the greater evil — why choose a lesser one?

History

Armello started off  in 2012 being developed by Team of Geeks, a 15 person team. It was originally going to be an iPad exclusive but Team of Geeks got a little stalled out. Development staggered forward for 2 years until they began a Kickstarter Campaign. Asking for $200,000 and getting $300,000 they made the game available for PS4 and computers.

The game’s influences include The Dark Crystal, Red Wall, Magic: The Gathering, and Spirited Away.

Armello was released on September 1st, 2015. It’s competition was Grow Home (PS4), Super Mario Maker (WiiU), and Undertale (PC and Mac)

Experiences

Big shout out to Youtuber Kikoskia, without whom I would have no knowledge of this game. Check him out, he makes good stuff. Before I go on I must announce that I have not actually played any PVP multiplayer. I can only speak to the vaguely competent AI. In my estimation games against other players would be totally different from a single play experience. I foresee the King dying and the players waking from their pvp smashing stupor to realize they were supposed to be playing the game instead of creating an endless cycle of revenge. My heart is filled with equal measure dread and zeal to play against another human.

“Are you guys even trying to kill me?”

Gameplay

The first thing you do when you begin a game of Armello is pick a character. Each character has unique statistics and a special ability, their clan also gives them an affinity for night or day — offering them bonuses during that time. Fight is how many dice you’ll role in a fight, body is your health, wits limits the number of cards you can carry and is used to avoid certain perils, and spirit is the amount of magic you get each night and is used in certain perils as well.

My favorite character is Barnaby because there’s something about a bunny in full plate that gives me the giggles.

What’s a peril? It’s a thing on the map that’ll mess you up if you fail to overcome it. What’s a card? Well it’s an item, spell, or trickery card that you can use, equip, cast, inflict on someone, or plop on a space and turn it into a peril. Cards also have a symbol on them corresponding to one of the faces on the armello dice — which are sword, sun, moon, shield, Wyld, and Rot. You can discard a card in combat or when faced with a peril to force one of the dice to roll that symbol. Barring that you can roll the dice and hope they fall favorably.

You also get to see who played the peril so if you know who’s at fault.

The resources in Armello are gold, magic, prestige, and rot. You gain gold from delving in dungeons and protecting settlements. Your magic equalizes at nightfall or can be boosted with certain items. Prestige is gained by defeating enemy heroes, saving towns, or killing monsters. It’s lost when you fall in combat, spend it on certain cards, kill a guard, or other special circumstances. Rot is acquired by playing certain cards, being killed by corrupted creatures, or failing certain perils — and rot is bad voodoo, just one point changes the way your character works and five points changes the game entirely.

The goal of Armello is to become the next monarch of Armello. You can do this by having the most prestige when the King dies, killing the king and surviving the encounter, gathering four spirit stones and bringing them to the king, or getting 5 rot and challenging the king to corruption mortal combat.

The Gush

When you have the most prestige you are prestige leader. Being prestige leader gives you the privilege of advising the king at the dawn of each day. He will present two options about how the kingdom should change and they’re almost always a choice of damnation. It’s a matter of choosing the lesser evil and some of the lesser evils are still very great. It’s a strategically satisfying mechanic.

Naturally, as prestige leader you cannot have the least prestige so… uuuuuh, guess we’re not fighting each other!

You can unlock certain items that can increase your stats for the duration of the game. Increasing weaker stats to balance out your character or making their powerful stats even more impressive. Even possibly granting new and interesting abilities altogether like regaining health at night or starting with 2 Prestige.

There’s something very satisfying about discovering effective strategies with each character. The first time I played Barnaby, The Screwloose Tinkerer, I stumbled upon a Blacksmith in my quests which made Barnaby’s weapons and armor even more effective. Now, whenever I’m presented with the opportunity to acquire the Blacksmith as Barnaby I do so.

The latest patch just put in a speed up function. Now during other players turns you can speed things up and skip their combat scenes. It makes everything run lightning fast when you’ve seen all the animations a hundred times — although watching the other turns was entertaining when I started playing.

The Kvetch

Achieving the rot victory is frustratingly difficult. I have yet to figure out how to get enough rot quickly enough to challenge the king before he keels over naturally. It might just take a lucky hand of opening cards and abilities but that would also be very unsatisfying. Maybe it’s just something that happens on accident?

At the end of the game each character is given some superlatives about how they played but… the game never explains what each superlative correlates to so I just gotta guess.

What the hell does being a warlock mean? Cause I didn’t cast a single spell. Or does that make me a purist?

I understand the flavor for each of the clans and it’s thematic and enjoyable. Wolf is all about fighting, rats are sneaky, bears are spiritual, but I have no idea what Rabbit’s deal is. Are they like the Hufflepuff of the clans? Doing that loyal and true thing? The closest thing I’ve got is that they’ve got a lot of ingenuity… I think… I dunno.

Sometimes I feel like the game’s go big or go home mentality makes the game too much about luck and too little about skill. Between card draws, dice rolls, Wonky AI, Guard placement and movement, monster movement and spawning, peril placement, and percentage chances of completing quests I sometimes feel victory goes to the luckiest.

It’s a 20% chance or nothing and there’s no way to improve my odds. If I win everyone will groan. If I lose I will be sad.

The Verdict

Armello is serious fun. It presents all the best parts of a board game without the worst parts of a board game. There’s no set up time, no putting away time, and no way to screw up how the rules work. The systems are very simple but also incredibly deep. Playing each character feels like a new experience. You might go for a certain path to victory but it’s much easier to win if you have an adaptive strategy adding even more to the replayability to the game. I’m not entirely sure if it’s worth the $20 price tag but it’s definitely worth $15 if you can catch it on Steam sale. Alone or buying it with a group of friends it’s incredibly fun.

Next Week: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Battle Realms (PC)

Long ago the demonic beings known as The Horde were bearing down on the remnants of the Dragon Clan. Their leader, Tarrant the elder, used the ancient artifact known as the Serpent’s Orb to drive back The Horde and, in doing so, broke the world. The remnants of his people renounced their old clan and renamed themselves The Serpent after the orb and to foster a new way of thinking for their new world. A path of ambition, industry, and brutal feudalism.

Three generations have passed since the establishment of the Serpent Clan and the clan has smashed and shattered by their Lotus Clan advisers and Wolf Clan slaves. The last remaining heir of Tarrant’s line, Kenji, must retake the continent from the two remaining clans. Will you reestablish the well oiled machine and strict caste system of the Serpent clan or will you embrace the old traditions of the Dragon Clan and try to restore the broken planet?

History

Battle Realms was the first game released by Liquid Entertainment. It was held in very high regard at the time for being a real-time strategy game in full 3D. It was also praised for its East-Asian aesthetic and innovative unit development system — instead of spontaneously generating units at buildings units train at those buildings. Despite its critical acclaim it wasn’t well marketed and sales suffered. A stand-alone expansion pack was released known as Winter of the Wolf to middling reviews.

I guess the fan base was not interested in barbarians of the ginger variety.

Battle Realms was released on November 7th, 2001. It’s competition was Stronghold (PC), Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (PS2), and Return to Castle Wolfenstein (PC)

Experiences

Patching can make or break a game. And this game, before the patch, was nearly a broken mess. When I played it as a kid I didn’t realize what was wrong with it — I mean, I thought Bubsy was a good game when I was a kid so… It’s plain to see in the pre-patch version that the characters either do too much damage or don’t have enough health and would generally die before I even had a chance to use their abilities. The low health also made the story campaign more difficult as the death of a plot relevant character forces you to lose the mission. Checking over the notes some of the abilities didn’t even work in the game before the update. Liquid entertainment released a series of patches known as the Battlepacks and these did a great job at fixing the broken parts of the game. Right on, Liquid.

Gameplay

Battle Realms is a real-time strategy game with internet multiplayer, skirmishes vs the AI, and two story campaigns. There are four different clans you can play as who all have different strengths, weakness, abilities, and themes. The story campaign limits your clan selection and training abilities at first but unlocks to the full tech tree by the end. The basic goal of a skirmish or campaign map is to create an army that balances its strength and weaknesses and counters the composition of your opponents army.

Unlike other RTS games you have peasants who can build peasant huts which produce more peasants who can train at military buildings. Those units can train at other buildings to become generally better or more specialized. These unit can acquire battle gear at select clan building to further specialize their abilities — although not all battle gear is created equal. Fighting enemies generates the clans moral element, yin or yang, which can be spent on clan-wide upgrades at training buildings.

You can also tame and employ horses which move faster than most units and can trample foes.

The Gush

It’s something very small but I love how gold is not a resource in this game. Units are loyal to the clan, by choice or by fear, and are trained in rice and water instead of gold or something else.

The soundtrack is steeped in recurring musical themes between the different clans. I began to associate metallic chimes with the Serpent clan and whereas I began to associate the Wolf clan with chanting and exuberant shouts. To top it all off each song has a peace-time mix and a battle mix, switching between them as the battle rages or dies down.

Almost every unit has a secret passive ability linked to their character. Bandits, for instance, can scavenge rice and water off of enemy corpses and the powder keg sumo can spread salt across his comrades and reduce the amount of magical damage they take. The abilities vary in power and impact but I feel like they all give each unit flavor such as Shinja’s Ye of little Faith ability which lowers magic damage he takes — and suits his pragmatic and cynical disposition. Unfortunately these abilities were only hinted at in the manuals and some do not make themselves readily apparent in the game.

And if you’re facing the dark magicks of the Lotus Clan then you’d best have magical protection

The animation in this game is quality stuff. When units are unselected they generally idle around and check their equipment and some even goof off. When you click them however they assume a battle-ready stance and are totally ready for your orders. This sort of attention to detail gives them all character.

The battles in this game are patently absurd. You’ll see a ginger Schwarzenegger wanna-be swing a giant wooden mallet against the armor of a professional samurai. It’s absolutely insane and I love it.

The Kvetch

I really dig the art style and graphic styles, don’t get me wrong, but some of the models were made poorly. Ballistamen for instance don’t have heads. They just sort of have faces sticking off their necks. And the proportions of some models are cartoonish at best.

Some of the campaign maps are broken and there are a few that present a brick wall of difficulty. Enemy bases are generally built as actual towns and thus sprawl across the entire map and as such you need to scour the whole area to ensure that no structures are standing — if a single peasant escapes they may be able to rebuild. And anyone who has played the game remembers the siege of Serpentholm as a totally unfair 2 on 1 battle.

First things first, this army looks awesome. Second thing second the whole north half is filled with enemy buildings.

The Verdict

Battle Realms is a slim $10 on Good Old Games and I’d say that’s more than enough for the sheer experience of the story campaign and the pure gameplay. That being said GOG is working on providing servers to get multiplayer back online. Play with your friends! Get totally smashed by strangers on the internet — It’s great! If lightning shooting Warlocks or comically large swords played straight interest you in an RTS then this game might be up your alley.

Next Week: Armello

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne (PC, XBox, PS2)

When we last left off with Max his life had gotten turned upside down by a new drug in New York known as Valkyr. Junkies on the stuff killed his wife and baby daughter and sent him on a revenge fueled trip into the criminal underworld. His undercover investigation into its trafficking led him to a shadow government organization, known only as the Inner Circle, that promised to bail him out if he could bring the whole Valky production and distrubution organization down. Max was able to accomplish this with a little help from local Russian Mob Boss, Vladimir Lem, his pure grit, and a healthy spoonful of angst.

The Inner Circle made good on their word and through coaxing, coercion, and blackmail Max was found not guilty on all charges and even returned to duty as a detective in the NYPD. Despite all of this, Max’s life is still missing something, his life is a generally empty mess. A new rotten filth has arrived in New York city though. A group of hit-men killing with impunity and preparing for some sort of gang war. To make things even more complicated Mona Sax, an assassin Max got chummy with in the last game, is also somehow involved. Max has got to figure out how these assassins are choosing their targets, what their goal is, and who they’re working for in this modern film-noir detective story — by which I mean, less investigating and more shooting.

Are you ready to get particularly hard-boiled this evening?

 

History

Max Payne 2 was developed by Remedy Entertainment, a studio basically known for making the Max Payne games. Sam Lake wrote the stories for both of the games — and provided the model for the face texture of Max in the first game (In this game, however, his face is modeled after actor Timothy Gibbson’s face). He would make a pure film-noir detective story without anything too crazy in it — I mean, by the end of it almost everyone has literally survived a bullet in the head but that’s par for the course in film noir.

Max Payne 2 comes with a whole new physics engine, a modified Havok engine to be precise. No longer to enemies drop in the same set 30 patterns, they now properly ragdoll. Objects can also be knocked over or used as cover if the situation allows it. INNOVATION!

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne was released on October 14th, 2003. It’s competition was Jak II (PS2), The Suffering (PC, PS2, and XBox), and Call of Duty (PC).

Experiences

I played Max Payne 1 when I was but a young-un of 16 or so but I didn’t get around to its sequel until around 2012, when Max Payne 3 was announced. I was so curious about whether the latest installment would be good that I wanted proper context about the events of the second game. I’d had it in my Steam Library, I’d bought it on sale forever ago, but I had never felt truly inspired to play it. I thought I’d had enough of Max’s story. When I was finished MP 2 I decided to actually not play Max Payne 3, now satisfied with MP 2’s conclusion to Max’s story — who knows, maybe I’ll play Max Payne 3 when they announce Max Payne 4.

Gameplay

If you’ve read the Gameplay section of Max Payne 1 then you know everything you need to know about Max Payne 2. A quick refresher though, Max Payne 2 is a 3rd person shooter. The camera is tactfully put above Max’s head giving the player good scope of threats in whatever situation Max might be in. Those situations will probably involve guns and the shooting thereof and that’s some degree of fortunate considering Max’s proficiency with fire-arms — and the quantity he keeps tucked into his coat.

You’ll need to remember the five Ds of gunplay. Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.

The big mechanical pull for this game lies in Max’s ability to enter bullet time. With a click of the right mouse button Max can initiate a slow motion dive or simply slow down time and give him the edge he needs in a fire-fight. Every enemy that Max kills an enemy while in bullet time slows the world around him even more, giving him, effectively, more time and making him more capable. In addition, killing an enemy outside of bullet time will refill the gauge a little bit in addition to its slow regeneration over time. This is Max’s major edge so don’t be afraid to use it when things get dangerous.

Spoilers but not spoilers. Mona is actually playable in some missions and has a sweet Sniper Rifle. Mona: 1 Max: 0

I should also mention that, although there are in game cutscenes, most of the story is presented through comic book panels. Narrated wonderfully by James McCaffrey, he brings the story to life and fills the player with a sense of grit.

The Gush

This game feels overall much smoother than its predecessor. Reloading during bullet time in MP 1 would take Max out of bullet time and into a potentially deadly situation. In MP 2 Max’s reloads in bullet time are replaced by an incredibly slick and equally implausible duck and twirl motion — it’s visually impressive, incredibly stylish, and totally useless but it works and looks cool. In addition, Max simply controls better, making the rare platforming much easier — and dodging bullets… that’s easier too.

The music in this game seemingly took the direction of, “The same. But more and kinda different.” Max’s theme has more polish and the music overall no longer has that sense of deep darkness of the criminal underworld. It presents music depicting a world of much more upper class obliviousness and corruption in its greater production values and more varied instrumentation. In short, I dig it.

Everything in this game is kind of “The same. But more and kinda different,” including Max’s injuries.

The Kvetch

The whole game Max obsesses about cracking the case. I know that he’s a film noir detective and by that virtue he must solve the mystery and beat up the bad guy but they could have given him a clear reason to crack the case. I guess I can dig it that Max takes this upon himself. But even when he’s figured out what’s going he doesn’t appeal to authority, he goes to solve the problem himself. I know that’s film noir as well but they never present a clear reason why Max can’t appeal to a higher authority or has to shoot, like, hundreds of dudes.

The Verdict

If you’re even remotely interested in a power fantasy in which you can take the law into your own hands, slipp into slow motion, and wipe out a squad of guys without reloading then this game is probably up your alley. It’s available in most locations for $10 or less and I’d say that’s a fair price for a delicious slice of film-noir action. My only caveat is that I would suggest that you play the original game before diving into this one but it generally runs for a mere $5 or less. Although they’re both a little dated, they still contain a mighty shine of that mysterious man who comes from the shadows and will put the night right with naught by his fast fists and his gun.

Next Week: Battle Realms

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor (PC, Linux, Mac, XBox One, XBox 360, PS3, PS4, and Select Toaster Ovens)

Barad-Dur wasn’t built in a day. Sauron’s rise to power was actually a slow crawl and Mordor was not always the blasted hellscape depicted in the novels or movies. No denizen of Middle-Earth would have called it lush but it was recovering from the battle between the Alliance of Men and Elves and the Orcs of Sauron. You play as Tallion, a Ranger posted in a settlement around The Black Gate, making sure that all is quiet in Mordor. But Sauron’s power is growing quietly in the dark places where men dare not look. The Black Gate is attacked by an army of orcs and the settlement is raze,  Tallion and his family are killed, and things generally go to hell. Made the vessel of an ancient wraith and restored to a mockery of life –by one of Sauron’s agents no less– Tallion now has the power to take revenge and fight Sauron’s orcs and destroy his generals. Meanwhile the wraith has forgotten who it was in life and must scour Mordor for pieces of his past.

History

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor was developed by Monolith Productions creators of the Condemned series and, one of my personal favorites, Septerra Core: Legacy of the Creator. Monolith wanted to create a game in which in-game death had consequences, non-player characters would respond to the player’s actions, and to create unique orcs that the player would recognize. This all eventually became the Nemesis System which truly makes the game stand out.

From a narrative standpoint, Monolith wanted to show what occurred in the gap between The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, something that does not see much exposure in media.

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor was released on September 30th, 2014. It’s competition was Hyrule Warriors (WiiU), Stronghold Crusader II (PC), and Borderlands: The Pre-sequel (PC, PS3, XBox 360).

Experiences

I was always a pretty big fantasy nerd and in Elementary School my father suggested that I read the Hobbit. I was probably a little too young for it, I had a hard time visualizing the characters and events but I did understand the story. Even though I was a little in the dark I knew that I wanted more Middle-Earth. It was a good time for a blossoming Lord of the Rings fan, Peter Jackson was making his movies, new editions of the books were hitting store shelves, and even non-nerds were getting excited about it. There have been LoTR games being made since the days of the Commodore 64 and it took a long time for designers to really get things right. Shadow of Mordor is definitely a step in the right direction.

This is no fabrication. Shadows of Mordor was the name of the C 64 text adventure Lord of the Rings game. Everything old is new again.

Gameplay

As a Gondorian ranger Tallion is a master of stealth, blade, and bow. Fortified by the power of the wraith he’s  a true force to be reckoned with. Possessing powers of ghost vision, insight into hearts of his enemies (the ability to see their strengths and weaknesses), summoning a ghost bow, control the minds of lesser beings — I ask myself frequently why Sauron thought it was a good idea to put a ghost in Tallion’s head– , and allowing him to endure death. But should Tallion die the orc that killed him will be celebrated as a great fighter and promoted to a command position. Tallion’s Ranger training will be put to the test now that it’s him vs. the legions of Sauron.

I mean lesser in terms of brain power, not size :D.

Most of the game takes place around the Sea of Nurn and the Black Gate. Here orcs go about their business, enslaving local humans, trying to kill each other, having grog drinking contests, trying to kill you, and marshaling their forces for the coming war. The game is mostly about interrupting these activities and delaying the war machine by whatever means are available to you. Orcs having a grog contest? Poison the grog and see what happens. Free local slaves and they’ll feed you information about the commanders and even assist you in battle when they can.

And there are a lot of commanders to mow through.

The Gush

The Nemesis System is the big pull for the game, it shows, and it paid off. Every commander has strengths, weakness, abilities, a primary concern, and personality. Some of these traits can create an enemy that is truly difficult to face except under special circumstances. On top of all this, you can fight Commanders that have defeated your friends for bragging rights. They’re not all just mindless mooks, there are some who stand out and will kick your ass. Hunting these guys isn’t just a task, it’s a genuine pleasure.

The game rewards you with extra experience for using the commander’s weakness. INCENTIVE!

It’s something quite small but whenever Tallion encounters an orc commander the soundtrack fades away and is instead replaced with what sounds like every orc in all of Mordor chanting the commander’s name. It really pumps you up to fight this guy and simultaneously let’s you know that this guy is serious business and will murder your face. The chant resumes when Tallion is about to be killed by a commander, just so you remember the name of the bastard who killed you should you fall.

This might be the best Assassin’s Creed game that I’ve ever played. You’ve probably heard it a million times before but it bears repeating that this game is basically the free running and faffing about mechanics that are integral to the Assassin experience… but with orcs. And as the ancient Gygaxian philosophers once said Orcs are greater than Templar or something.

The Kvetch

Shadow of Mordor feels like Christmas morning in which your Father got you Legos, your mother got you tinker toys, your grandfather got you Lincoln Logs, and your Aunt got you megablocks. Each on their own is amazing and incredibly fun to play with but even though you could play with them together they don’t exactly fit. They don’t have the cohesion that they could. You can control these orcs and pit them against each other but there’s no end to that means. You have to do it for a few story missions but there’s nothing you can really do with it in the normal game.

Sometimes when you kill a commander they return with a chunk of metal holding them together. I named one of these guys Chucklenuts because all he would do was laugh when we clashed. The first time he came back I was almost honored and pleased to see Chucklenuts, so glad was I the opportunity to kill him twice. It started to get really old around the fourth time.

Yeah, he’ll just walk that off.

I gotta put my canon scrutinizing glasses as far up my nose as I can and complain about the Uruk-Hai. Orcs have been around in Middle-Earth ever since Elves got twisted and deformed. The Uruk-Hai are basically super orcs created by the wizard Saruman in order to better conquer Middle-Earth. They’re more bigger, stronger, and more disciplined — good on you Saruman… buuuuuuuuuut I’m pretty sure that at this part in the canon of Middle-Earth that the Uruk-Hai hadn’t be created yet. It’s a pretty minor quibble but I am curious why the decision was made.

I’m very curious why the game omits the Wargs and Trolls, replacing them with Caragors and Graugs respectively. I’m genuinely curious if these are canon creatures or if Monolith couldn’t get the rights to the original creatures or something.

Oh yeah… I still don’t know why Sauron put a wraith in Tallion. I dunno, maybe his agent did it on their own but… then… why did Sauron’s minion do it? I’m so confused.

The Verdict

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor goes for $49.99 on Steam, and I don’t mean to downplay the game because it’s very fun and enjoyable, but I just don’t think it lives up to its price tag. If you’re a fan of Middle Earth and have a strong desire to kill some orcs and get some revenge then I’d recommend picking up this title on sale for $30.

Next Week: Max Payne 2

Cthulhu Saves the World (Xbox Live, PC, Xbox 360 [in that order])

If you’d rather just see the game being played then I’ve got a shameless shill for you! I’ve actually got a full let’s play of this game available on my youtube channel.

Cthulhu. A being who’s stories has spread fear across the century. A being so grossly powerful and from a realm so foreign to our limited perceptions that he drives men insane at the sight of him and would destroy our planet on accident. He lives in his underwater fortress city of R’lyeh, with its non-euclidean geometry, and works through his Deep One agents. His dreams are so powerful that the nightmares inspired by the sheer power have kept humanity afraid of the dark for millenia. Now is the time for his rise from the deeps, when he collects the souls of mankind to fuel his dark designs in the cosmos, for a purpose we could never understand.

His awakening is interrupted by a powerful wizard who curses Cthulhu and strips his powers away from him. The curse has a catch though. If the Tentacle faced dragon man can become a true hero then his powers will return and he will finally be able to destroy the world. But will he instead learn to love the people he’s come to know and protect? Find out in CTHULHU SAVES THE WORLD!

Well… he’s probably not gonna learn the whole friendship thing.

History

Cthulhu Saves the World was developed by Zeboyd games. Founded in 2009 in by Robert Boyd and William Stiernberg they began their careers with Interactive Novels such as Molly the Were-Zompire released in 2009 for Xbox Live.

Their first video game project was for a 2-D, turn-based RPG by the name of Breath of Death VII: The Beginning. It innovated on the classic RPG framework by awarding different choices of abilities for leveling up, increasing animation speed to make fights quicker, and offering limited random battle encounters per area to ease exploration. Cthulhu Saves the World followed suit and also included the ability to force a fight on the spot if you just wanted to get them all over with or farm gold and experience points. It was originally only available for Xbox Live but a quick Kickstarter campaign brought it to the 360 and PC dubbed the Super Hyper Enhanced Championship Edition Alpha Diamond DX Plus Alpha FES HD – Premium Enhanced Game of the Year Collector’s Edition (without Avatars!)

Cthulhu Saves the World was released on December 10th, 2010. It’s competition was Secret of Mana (iOS), the Oddboxx of Oddworld games (PC), and Shining Force II (PC).

Experiences

I find the evolution of Cthulhu to be fascinating. He’s gone from a minor monster thought up by Lovecraft and evolved into a world-wide phenomena over the last century. Creating and sustaining the genre of eldritch horror. Reminding humanity that there are things out there in the world that are so large that they do not care about us and would destroy us without even meaning to. Held aloft by teenagers as the pinnacle of horror via creepy-pastas and poorly informed fellow teens. And finally turned into a joke by the adults who grew up with him and can’t help but laugh in the face of madness and how silly powerful he is, evidenced by this game.

It’s just that simple folks.

Gameplay

This game is the most stock turn-based RPG that has ever turn-based RPG. You walk around, delve into dungeons, choose your party members, find sweet loot, and use abilities to destroy your enemies — and try not to die, of course. The game is filled with, and truly held aloft by, comedic references to both RPGs and Lovecraft’s mythos that will render fans of either doubled over in joy.

What? Bars serve milk… right?

The big mechanic in this game is that Cthulhu and others can inflict enemies with insanity. Insanity has a lot of bizarre effects on enemies. Near as I could tell it generally lowers their defenses. Be careful though, some enemies grow more powerful when they’re driven mad but it makes sense as to which enemies benefit. Drive elder gods insane is a recipe for disaster, but turning a zombie into a wreckless corpse is a safe bet.

The Gush

After you beat the game for your first time new modes of play are unlocked. Some of which change the game entirely like Highlander which limits the party to one member but increases XP gains dramatically — who’s the best for what situation, experiment and find out. And Cthulhu’s Angels which presents an all female party to help Cthulhu save the world because he’s too lazy… I mean busy!

This game mode could be the best thing related to Cthulhu ever invented.

I can’t properly emphasize here how many Lovecraft and RPG jokes there are in this game. Some of them were so deep that they went over my head. Like the powerful Belt Man, made as a mockery of Tetsuya Nomura’s penchant for adding belts upon belts to his characters. A living sword joins the party and his class title is swordsword for wielding himself. Or the game’s use of classical Lovecraftian locales as the towns and settlements of the game.

There’s a lot of humor and references to the Lovecraft source and the game’s a little alienating if you don’t get them.

The Kvetch

Taking a few wrong abilities at level ups can make things really rough. I tried playing Cthulhu as a mage because I was getting a lot of magic options I thought I could make good use of… boy was I wrong. That run ended in a total reset, the farming time for getting through the second dungeon was just plain untenable.

The Verdict

For a game with a 3 dollar price tag this is a bargain. That being said it’s a niche title. If you’re not a fan of Cthulhu or old-school turn-based RPGs then you might have a hard time getting into this title. But if you can Cthulhu Fhtagn and still remember Final Fantasy IV fondly then this game will bring a lot of great laughs and enjoyable experiences.

Next Week: Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor

Binding of Issac: Rebirth, Is It Worth it? (PS4, PSVita, Mac, Linux, and PC)

Back in my Binding of Isaac Review I mentioned that a remake had been released under the name of Binding of Isaac: Rebirth and that it was more expensive and was pretty cool. It’s difficult to review Rebirth because it’s basically the same game as the original… and if that’s the case then what’s the purpose of making or purchasing a remake?

This is not a review of Rebirth. As it’s very similar to the Binding of Isaac Classic so if you wanna know what I think about Roguelike shooters check out that review. The question is, if you bought Binding of Isaac Classic is it even worth it to buy Rebirth? Is a Binding of Isaac remake worth $15?

History

Rebirth was developed by Nicalis with Edmund McMillen at the helm of design. Nicalis is a company that focuses on developing smaller indie titles and their record reads like Indie Gaming’s Greatest Hits with games like Cave Story and 1001 Spikes under their belt. McMillen’s desire to remake the game stemmed from his large dislike of having made the game in Flash. By the time he was done with the original there was no room to add more content and it was riddled with small glitches that seemed impossible to fix.

Binding of Isaac: Rebirth was released on November 4th, 2014. It’s competition was Five Nights at Freddies 2 (PC), This War of Mine (PC), and Assassin’s Creed Unity (PC, PS4, and XBox One).

Experiences

To say that Binding of Isaac is big in my friend group is an understatement. We play it while we all voice-chat, in local multiplayer, and talk about our luckiest and unluckiest runs. Further, I feel like the slacker of the bunch. I’m basically the only one of them not to unlock Platinum God and all of the content. I’ve nearly doubled the time I played Binding of Isaac classic in the hours I’ve put into Rebirth and there’s still more things for me to unlock and do.

Why It’s Worth the Cost

150 new items. From silly odd things like Tiny Planet — which will make you the center of attention or at least your attacks– to even a new Guppy item, Guppy’s Collar, and the immensely powerful Sacred Heart. There are so many new toys to play with.

Guppy’s Collar, now available at a Devil Deal near you.

It’s no longer on Flash so it will be easier to add more content in the future, paving the way for whatever new idea pops into McMillen’s head.

You can now donate extra money to shops in order to improve their item pool and increase the number of items they sell.

It’s easier to collect, and therefore find, accurate data about exactly how different items effect Isaac. Evil, luck, and faith are all now documentable statistics and the tooltips are more clear for items overall.

Items can now synergize. Transforming their powers into one incredibly powerful effect.

Brimstone lasers + Tammy’s head creates a wave of destruction impossible in Classic.

Some problematic items that are generally accepted as bad have been improved and buffed, making them viable again — Ipecac will no longer fly over the heads of your enemies and lemon mishap… is slightly better.

Even more new characters such as, the undying Lazarus, the enigmatic Eden, and the sinister Azazel.

New smaller pickups like runes which generate bizarre card-like effects and batteries to recharge your chargeable items.

New bosses, enemies, champion types, and challenges. Some of which unlock even more new items.

20 Challenges in the base game and Afterbirth adds 10 more.

If you quit the game you can now take up from where you left off– or abandon a godawful run.

New areas like The Dark Room which lies beyond Sheol. And the Boss Rush which can only be accessed after defeating Mom in under 20 minutes — gotta go speed!

New 16-bit art style.

Better code so things are less likely to go totally ham and less crashing — this also means fewer I am Error rooms but it’s a small price to pay.

Level seeds! Every run has an 8 digit seed which can be input to repeat the run. You can’t get achievements from seeded runs but now you can challenge a friend, or rival,  to see if they could do better in terms of time or effectiveness with your exact circumstances.

And more things than I can even fit in my brain space.

Such as crawl-spaces hidden under rocks, leading to special hidden areas.

Reasons Against

There are a lot of things to relearn and some of your tricks from the Classic game might betray you now. Some old items don’t even work the same way any more.

All of the old music has been scrapped so all of those tunes you loved so much can only be heard in Binding of Isaac Classic.

I haven’t been able to get Afterbirth to run on my Vista Laptop. I’ve tried every fix and it just won’t work.

There’s no transferring your save so you’ll have to unlock everything you unlocked from Classic all over again.

Some bug-fixes have actually made things more difficult. Cain’s lucky foot no longer guarantees good pills and and you can no longer have an infinite number of soul hearts.

AFTERBIRTH!

Heads up! Rebirth has its own expansion already, goes by the name of Afterbirth and sells for $11. The same caveat that goes for Wrath of the Lamb goes for Afterbirth, Afterbirth spikes the difficulty up quite a bit. Afterbirth brings even more characters such as Lillith– forever accompanied by her faithful Incubus– and The Keeper — for whom greed is certainly good. Afterbirth also comes with new challenges and even more new items and synergies. Afterbirth brings the Spelunky daily run to the Binding of Isaac experience.. There’s even a new mode of play, Greed Mode — it’s like a normal run but way quicker, contained, and fueled by sweet sweet money.

Behold the might and wrath of Ultra Greed.

That being said, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Azazel got a bunch of nerfs that people are still a little miffed about. And the difficulty spike might be too much for some.

The Verdict

I’m totally for it — I bought it after all. But I hope that these pros and cons can help you reach an informed decision. This is what Afterbirth is bringing to the basement — and taking away in some cases. I welcome these changes because I think they create a more fun game experience overall so I would say that Rebirth and Afterbirth are both sound gaming purchases.

Next Week: Cthulhu Saves the World

Seven Kingdoms II (PC)

Have you ever heard hard-core history nerds start debating which civilizations could have kicked which civilization’s butt? It starts with military technology and tactics but inevitably spills into what someone saw on Deadliest Warrior that one time. This game is the end all be all of which civilizations could have kicked with civilizations’ butt. Complete with war machines certain civs never discovered and playable monstrous races. I’m certain this game will put all those arguments to rest!

History

Seven Kingdoms II was developed by Enlight Software, designed by Trevor Chan, and published by Ubisoft. Trevor Chan was a programming consultant for an airline sales system when he started his game development career with Capitalism and Seven Kingdoms. Chan and Enlight are still making games today, with a new Seven Kingdoms being planned and a new Capitalism game in development right now.

Seven Kingdoms II: The Fryhtan Wars was released on July 31st, 1999. It’s competition was Dungeon Keeper 2 (PC), System Shock 2 (PC), and Croc 2 (PS1).

Experiences

It’s difficult to imagine a world before commercialized sequels. Where sequels were meant to represent the success of a good product instead of an inevitability of the industry. I adored the first Seven Kingdoms when it came out and the idea that there would be another game that was bigger and better blew my mind. The only sequel series I had experienced was through Super Mario All-Stars pack, I didn’t even know that Super Mario World and Super Mario Bros looked that different. In short, I was completely unprepared and surprised by the graphical update between Seven Kingdoms games and the idea that games could be refined and improved for generations to come… yaaaay…

What is this sequel wizardry!?

Gameplay

Seven Kingdoms II is a real time strategy game in the vein of Ages and Empires. Your goal is to vanquish your enemies via conquest, diplomacy, and/or cloak and dagger spying. To this end you manage resources such as food, gold, people, and reputation — and hoo boy, is reputation important. If you run out of any of those then you’re gonna have your bad time. Human civilizations can also discover new technologies to improve soldier stats, create war machines that take less time to train than soldiers, espionage abilities, and industrial capabilities. Your goal is to be the last kingdom standing, in most circumstances.

The big innovation for this game over the previous installment is that the monstrous Fryhtans are no longer simply marauding creatures, they’re now playable kingdoms or Kwyzans. If all that diplomacy and spying junk didn’t interest you then you can Conan this shit and crush everyone. In ways including but not limited to, sapping natural resources, killing civilians, and enslaving towns — I did mention they were literal monsters right.

With giant spooky lairs, and bizarre structures the Fryhtans offer a completely different way to play.

Shockingly, the latest editions being offered by Steam and Good Old Games still have functioning multiplayer so it’s totally possible to comp stomp with your friends or go toe to toe with them.

The Gush

The learning curve in this game is pretty steep — it’s not Dwarf Fortress or anything — but the tutorials, hints, and scenario editor give the player enough room to experiment and learn. It takes some time but you’ll get the hang of it.

You can actually deploy your spies now! In the original Seven Kingdoms if you tried to infiltrate an enemy kingdom with spies they’d typically get apprehended and executed before they even took their first step… somehow. Now they’ll get as far as the gates of the enemy fort before there’s even a chance of them being discovered. So have fun bribing and backstabbing your way to victory.

The bizarre Fryhtan tech might seem unwieldy at first but once you learn how it works you can unleash your inner monster. Fryhtans don’t engage in diplomacy they only extort and destroy. Playing them is a total rush.

The Kvetch

The campaign for this game is overall unenjoyable. Every campaign is randomly generated with randomly generated scenarios. You have to face down a bunch of Fryhtan Kwyzans and a rival human empire. The effect of randomness can change things immensely and it makes the campaign feel arbitrary. I just wish my actions could snowball my empire and give me mounting power. It certainly doesn’t help that it’s super freaking hard.

Some Fryhtan missions can begin and end with getting completely overpowered and crushed.

I don’t know what’s wrong with the Fryhtan pathing but it’s a huge problem. Your monstrous armies will generally meet defeat because half of them were back at the lair picking their nose or just bumping harmlessly into each other.

These pathing problems are alleviated by ranged attacks but not all Fryhtan species can attack from a distance.

A minor quibble but why do my counterspies dying count against my reputation? It makes sense to be disreputable for infiltrating an enemy kingdom but having some secret police-men keeping an eye out for enemy spies dying in an earthquake should not mar my good name — I mean, I do have 11 assassins ready to kill the enemy’s king but no one needs to know that.

The Verdict

It’s an older game but it was state of the art for 1999 and it’s cheap now. You can get it on Steam or from Good old Games for $10 — GOG even offers a bundle for both Seven Kingdoms games. I started playing this game around 2004 and I’m still playing it today so I would say that it’s worth a look-see if you’re into this sort of thing.

Next Week: The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth/Afterbirth.

Word Realms (PC, Mac, and Linux)

In a world where words can hurt — like not just emotionally but on an extremely physical level– you wake up with an awful hangover — which is to say that you’re a native to this world, you haven’t used the power of booze to astrally teleport or something. The people of the valley you’re now in are being plagued by the evil Lord Nightmare who is, unsurprisingly, making it really difficult for people to sleep. Will you take up the cause of the local villagers, vanquishing monsters until you rush up to Nightmare’s Keep to deck him in the schnoz? Or will you just do all this junk because it means you can leave the valley and move on. You decide! Spell, use items, craft things, and solve puzzles in an adventure for all time!

History

Word Realms was the second game made by Asymmetric Publications and designed by Zack “Jick” Johnson and Kevin Simmons. It’s creation was funded through Kickstarter exceeding it’s asking price, $100,000, by a narrow margin. Johnson and Simmons had been discussing the idea of the game for months on the Kingdom of Loathing Podcast and working on it on and off before the campaign started. The Kickstarter ended on June 21st, 2012 and the game was released on May 21st, 2013. It’s competition was Fez (PC), Monaco: What’s yours is Mine (XBox Live Indie Arcade), and Resident Evil: Revelations (PC, PS3, XBox 360, and WiiU).

Experiences

I’ll just say this, my grandmother is better than me at this game. I bought it for her as a Christmas present because I knew she liked Scrabble so I figured she’d have fun with this. Little did I know that she would blow me out of the water. She breezed through the game and even thought it was a little on the easy side. I’ve been playing games for decades and I felt so upset but… why? What kind of petty jerk feels bad because his grandma is better at a game than him? — the pettiest of jerks, that’s who. So, I recognize my grammie as the resident Scrabble queen, long be her reign.

Gameplay

Word Realms is a lot like Scrabble, except your words score is the damage that your attack will do and that your rounds have a strict time limit. Monsters fight in a similar fashion and have their own abilities to amp up the difficulty, like copying your word, skipping your turn, or reducing the round time. You’ve also got abilities of your own including the power to wear clothes that boost your stats, use potions and scrolls, and use skills of your own. Your skills are based on your class, either wizard or warrior. Warriors play pretty simply but effectively, they’ll brute force their way through the game. Wizards on the other hand are more difficult but have more potential and can do bizzarre things — like wizards do.

Fight a ghost, get some loot, spell some words, feel good about your vocabulary.

The Gush

There’s so much to do beside the main quest. After you defeat Lord Nightmare you unlock Endless mode and get to face new and unique monsters. There’s also a secret underground fighting ring hidden somewhere in the game and it’s filled with a series of optional fights that confer powerful equipment and skills. Happy hunting.

If you’re really hardcore there are a few secret endings that are really difficult to unlock. No spoilers but reaching them will test yours skills.

Every word has a taunt based on its word type and it’s meaning. Fiery words, for example, get special dialogue and some words get totally unique taunts . So you might find a little joke if you experiment with your word choice.

With such classics as…

The Kvetch

There is a song for the main map and a few songs for combat. Ope, wait, there’s a song for the intro menu too. And the main menu music is the only music I can really tolerate. It’s all fine but it gets on my nerves real quickly.

I had to brute force some of the puzzles, attempting them again and again until there was a favorable set of starting circumstances. What really kills me is that only a few of these are mandatory and that those were the ones I got stuck on the most.

Not to say that the puzzles aren’t interesting, just that they were unfun levels of hard for me.

The crafting system seemed really interesting. I was stoked to discover all of these recipes and make some incredibly awesome stuff but I found it overall confusing. It took me a while to realize that one things could get crafted into another, as in, you don’t have to craft two things together. You can instead put one thing in the menu alter it to another craftable. The things I DID create weren’t stellar or even very useful for my strategies.

Look at all this stuff! Which of it goes together? I dunno, man.

The Verdict

If you like Scrabble or other word games then I think an $11 price tag is more than fair. If you’re not a big fan of word games then you’re probably not gonna like this one. It’s well made, humorous, and beautifully priced so if you want some puzzles in your Boggle then pick up a copy.

If you were totally sold on this game then pick up a copy here. http://www.wordrealms.com/

Next Week: Seven Kingdoms II: The Fryhtan Wars.

Kingdom of Loathing (PC and portable devices.)

The Kingdom of Loathing is not your typical fantasy RPG setting. It does not have mere clerics, wizards, and fighting men — I shit you not, 1st edition DnD had the Fighting Man class. It’s instead populated by Turtle Tamers, Pastamancers, and Accordion Thieves. These disparate adventurers have united because King Ralph XI — in the long line of Ralph — has been kidnapped by the Naughty Sorceress. For what purpose, no one can say but it cannot be a noble one because she’s seriously naughty, like so naughty. The Council of Loathing — in a clear bid to rescue their king — must first give you 11 quests before the Council runs out of ideas… I MEAN you are ready to face her naughtiness. Solve puzzles, fight monsters, and become an adventurer in the Kingdom of Loathing.

Behold the Kingdom in all of it’s glory.

History

Kingdom of Loathing begins with one man, Zack “Jick” Johnson and begins with high silliness. Working as a programmer, Johnson made a few games that he never released, thinking that they were too serious. He decided that he’d work on something for a week and then release whatever he had completed. The art was drawn by hand, and all of the initial content was stream of consciousness ideas where nothing but the worst ideas were discarded — I mean, meat became the currency of the realm so just imagine what the bad ideas were.  A year later KOL had 300,000 player accounts. Johnson invited his child-hood friend Josh “Mr. Skullhead” Nite to help him write and design the game.

It grew and evolved as Johnson and Nite added more content on an, albeit, irregular schedule. The game started by running off of donations and eventually Johnson began rewarding donations with in game items releasing and retiring an item every month. In 2005 he and Nite quit their day jobs and started working on the game full time. In 2007 Johnson hired two members of the player-base to help him work on the game, offering their experience as players to design new content. In November of 2014 Nite was laid off from the development team.

Kingdom of Loathing was released in it’s earliest form in 2003 and content has been steadily added and trimmed to this day. It’s current form is known as NS13 which released on June 15th 2007. It’s competition in 2003 was Dark Cloud 2 (PS2), Galactic Civilizations (PC), and Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis (Xbox).

Experiences

I’ve been playing this game for seven years and I still have more to do. There are still enemies I haven’t fought yet, still items I don’t have, and quests I haven’t completed. I run about 300 turns a day in under an hour thanks to the miracles of scripting and assistance tools like KOL mafia. I’m the leader of a clan and still ascend when the latest challenge path rolls out. I make enough meat to purchase the item of the month. And I love this game. The content is always fresh, funny, and has something for a player of every variety.

KOL Mafia: For when you’ve played the game so much that you have the game play itself

Gameplay

KOL is a single player MMO with turn based combat. Single Player MMO might sound like an oxy-moron but in this case it’s just a bizarre descriptor. The community is large and very present in the player economy, a silly PVP, and the ever present chat but when it comes to your character and your adventures you’ll mostly be flying solo. That being said, you can buff other players and throw bricks at them — you know, your choice.

The major mechanic of the game is the turn limit. The player is limited to how many turns per day they can adventure. The player is provided with 40 turns per day and when the player is out of turns well, there’s always the chat to play around with. You can get more turns by eating foodstuff and drinking boozestuff but not all food and booze is created equal. The better the food and drink, the more adventures and experience points it confers. Don’t drink too much though, or you’ll be too falling down drunk to do anything.

Break barrels, hang out in chat, it’s all in a day’s play.

The three main stats of the game are muscle, moxie, and mysticality. Muscle gives you more health, a greater chance to hit, and more damage with melee weapons. Moxie makes you take less damage, harder to hit, and a better chance to hit with ranged weapons. Mysticality gives increased MP (Muscle, Mojo, or Mana points respectively) and greater spell damage. Each class has a primary stat, a secondary stat, and a tertiary stat. Muscle classes hit really hard, soak all the damage, and can dish out more damage with sweet skills. Moxie classes don’t hit very hard, don’t take much damage, and can do weird things with their sweet skills. Mysticality classes might get beaten up in one hit but can generally defeat enemies with a single spell — they also have other sweet skills to facilitate their spellslinging. It’s not all about how thoroughly you can pummel monsters though. This game will also require the player to solve fiendish puzzles — the less mandatory they are the more fiendish they will be.

After the player defeats the Naughty Sorceress the game only opens up further. Between clan dungeons, The Sea, collecting bounties, and ascending there’s still more game to play. Ascension is the real big mechanic of the game. As a player you’re not tied down to your class. After you defeat the Sorceress you can begin the game anew with a new class and one of your old skills. In addition to the standard game there are challenge paths that alter the way the game is played allowing you to play a specific character — like the Avatar of Sneaky Pete, the most moxious man in the lands — or just altering the rules of the game — like in Bees hate you where you cannot use items with the letter B in them.

The Gush

I mentioned Clan dungeons before and I’ve got to bring them up again because they’re just about my favorite thing in the game. A Clan is like a guild in other MMOs and there are certain dungeons that you can pay to open for the opportunity to fight unique monsters and acquire immense and powerful loot. Team up with your Clan-mates and delve into the mysterious stronghold of Hobopolis, for example, and fight all manner of migrant laborer as you work your way towards Hodgman, the Hoboverlord. To what lengths will you go to acquire Roger, his Imaginary Hamster? Will you acquire it for the power it confers or the prestige it offers.

It’s town square holds 3000 hobos between you and your goal, not to mention the offshoot neighborhoods.

If the humor in this game doesn’t keep you playing then the systems just might. The game seems simple — the seal clubber was designed to play through the game doing nothing but attacking monsters — but the systems can get really complex. You can banish unwanted monsters from certain areas or use an item that allows you to run away from combat without spending a turn. It might be hard to believe but people have figured out how to finish their runs in under 800 turns.

My personal favorite part of the game is probably the player economy. Most of my time spent these days is on the mall pricing screen and in the trade chat channel. I buy, sell, trade, and sell my services to the highest bidder. In game currency also retains its value because you can spend in game currency on out of game currency. A Mr. Accessory runs about 23 million meat and I can make that in a month meaning that as long as someone is willing to sell, I am able to buy. Premium content can also be purchased from the mall for a modest — and sometimes exorbitant fee — so if you save your sirloin you can acquire these limited items.

Speaking of Premium Content, the microtransactions of this game are actually really player friendly. Because it’s single player you don’t need them to compete, some of the strongest items can be acquired without paying a cent. For the low price of 10 dollars per thing, it’s pretty cheap. And, as I said before, you can spend in game meat on these premium items.

Some of the premium content aren’t even items, some of them are new areas to explore.

The Kvetch

The game’s depth can be confusing and even intimidating at times. I often need to have strategies of high level play and intense speed runs explained to me in chat and I’ve been playing for a good long while. Jick and co keep adding simple ways to complete quests, but speed runners retain their strategies. It used to be back in the day that a new and casual player would NEED to use the wiki to make headway in the quest line. That’s not so much these days but it can still seem daunting at first glance.

The game may have deep systems but they’re all based on the simple concept of numbers getting bigger. If it doesn’t excite you for numbers to get bigger then it might be really difficult to get into the game. Numbers get bigger, you kill skeletons, you get some sweet swords.

The Verdict

There’s so much more to this game that I didn’t have time to mention. World events will sweep across the Kingdom and change everything for a few days, the game also celebrates out of game holidays. I really like this game and the best part is that it’s completely free. It’s silly and goofy and yet has incredibly deep systems at its core. If you’ve got the time and feel like some goofiness then give it a whirl.

Play it for Free at www.kingdomofloathing.com

Next Week: Word Realms