The Bard’s Tale (2004 Release for PS2, Xbox, PC, Mac, Blackberry Playbook, Android, Linux, and Ouya)

And I think this game is the most widely available title released since Tetris.

A long time ago in that fantasy land that’s pretty accurate to actual legends and tales while still being campy and hilarious — you know the one– there lived a young boy who was tired of being hungry. He learned that travelers were paid just to sing songs at the local tavern. He dreamed of doing that someday. Having learned a magical tune that summoned a rat he stole a musical instrument and headed for the hills. He then traveled from town to town eliminating rat infestations he created with his rat summoning tune. You play as the sarcastic, pragmatic, sardonic, insufferable, kleptomaniacal, and rather roguishly handsome Bard as he uses his magical tunes and power of summoning to free a capture enchantress –seems pretty straight forward, what could possibly go wrong?

Everything probably.

History

The Bard’s Tale is a game with a pedigree that goes back to the barely graphical text adventures of the 80s. The classic games didn’t actually feature the Bard as a playable character. The stories were the stories the Bard was telling to his audience. The final game in the Bard’s Tale trilogy was released in 1991. It came as a mild surprise to people when a new Bard’s Tale game was announced to be released in 2004 — I just imagine the conversation that lead to the game’s creation. At InXile headquarters two old nerds are chatting. “Do you remember those Bard Tales games?” one game dev asks. The other looks to him and says, “Yeah. But we never did figure out what the Bard’s story was, like where he came from.” Then I imagine they both start shouting in unison like a crescendo broken only by them running to their computers, getting to work, frothing at the mouth, and shouting “Make it! Print it!” repeatedly.

The class games were real groundbreaking stuff. It had color and everything.

It was 1985 and this was state of the fucking art.

The game is a lot like Baldur’s Gate Dark Alliance and that would probably be because they both run on the same engine — which seems to happen a lot with fantasy games. One fantasy game comes out with a good engine and the other developers all jump on it.

The Bard’s Tale was released October 24th, 2004. It’s competition was The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age (PS2, XBox, and Gameboy advanced), Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door (Gamecube), and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2).

Experiences

I can’t think of the last time I had as much fun or laughed as hard when I was playing a game. The Banter between the Narrator and The Bard is comedy gold — especially when it’s ripping on videogame tropes. It was one of the games I played where I was having so much fun I didn’t care if I found all the loot. I stopped worrying about what I had missed or what would have happened if I had acted differently. It was one of the first games where I relaxed and had a good time.

Gameplay

In the game you control the Bard as he travels and completes various quests — and argues with the narrator. The signature system of the game is the snarky vs. straight dialogue system. In conversation the game will prompt the player to make the Bard respond with a sarcastic snarky quip or to play it straight. It might seem worthwhile to spend the whole game being honest and at least a little polite but that’s not the case. It’s very important to learn when the Bard can throw his weight around or whether he should just keep his mouth relatively shut — besides, being snarky is much more fun anyway!

It’s always tempting which to choose just to see what The Bard will say.

The Bard isn’t the greatest of fighters or thinkers. Thankfully, if he upgrades his instrument, he can employ various allies to help him in and out of combat. Some summoned minions help in combat like the Mercenary who can dish out immense amounts of damage with his axe or the Witch who only ever learned healing spells. Some minions help in other situations like the elderly Explorer who can disarm traps, pick up loot, and find secret passages –if you’re going dungeon delving this guy is a necessity– or the rat who can earn you extra coin by frightening tavern keepers or frighten other enemies in combat. The Bard’s adventures will take him far and wide across the countryside so it’s important to mix up his minions to match the situation.

The Gush

The voice acting cast in this is really good. The Bard is voiced by Cary Elwes– though you might know him better as Wesley from the Princess Bride– and the Narrator is voiced by Tony Jay — though you might know him better as the Claude Frollo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Oh yeah, and all the dialogue from the lowliest NPC is great.

A game about bard’s has got to have music! And music the Bard’s Tale has. Every tavern features a new song for the Bard to perform or listen to. Every minion has a different tune that The Bard plays on instruments from the lute to the Shadow Axe — minions can even be upgraded by finding more music for their song.

The Bard’s only loyalties are to food, coin, and cleavage — not necessarily in that order– and I love that about him. Saving the world is just a means to the end of getting into the Enchantress’ pants — well it is if you’re snarky. To him, it’s not about saving the world and I’m able to connect to the character more because he doesn’t have a lofty quest.

Even the game advertisements showcased this perfectly.

Something small but I really liked how the enemies dropped sellable loot instead of money. What Trow runs around with a coinpurse? None of them. But someone would pay some silver for a Viking’s sword.

The Kvetch

The Minions actually have personality, in some situations they can offer important advice and that’s good. What’s not good is listening to the crone wail, “Be healed!” Or hearing the Mercenary talk about how much The Bard is gonna owe him for this one for the thousandth time.

That being said, they at least all look awesome.

The combat in this game is really clunky. Thankfully the minions do most of the fighting for you but in the early sections of the game The Bard will have to do the fighting himself. So it creates a weird downward difficulty curve where the game starts off more difficult that it ends… and that’s not how difficulty curves are supposed to work.

The game isn’t really great to look at. I liked the character designs but the background designs were usually stock and uninteresting.

The Verdict

This game is awesome. It’s for anyone who’s played Baldur’s Gate, Dragon Age, Icewind Dale, and Planescape Torment and needs to take a break and have a laugh. The combats a little clunky but it couldn’t kill my good mood. This is a marvelous title and if you buy it on Steam then you get the original Bard’s Tale games for free if you feel like pulling your hair out through he laughs.

Next Week: Dungeon’s of Dredmor.

Poker Night at the Inventory and Trusting the Designers (Windows and Mac)

Deep in the bowels of the city there’s a secret speakeasy, The Inventory. It was established in 1919 in anticipation of the passing of American Prohibition. The owners of the establishment had also heard that the 18th Amendment was going to outlaw games and amusements, something they would not stand for– as proprietors of a games and amusement company. The Inventory served game enthusiasts and creators for years and began to cater to game characters as well. They remained hidden for 90 years and they’re still open for business, offering games, gambling, and liquor to those who find their establishment. You are a gambler of some renown who has come to The Inventory to make some scratch playing some high stakes Texas Hold ‘Em.

And down we go via secret street elevator. You can even see Sam in the background.

History

Poker Night at the Inventory was born of the desire to create a sequel to Telltale’s Texas Hold ‘Em, that game’s focus on banter, and a conversation between Telltale employees about “what videogame characters do when they’re not ‘on the clock int he games we play.” Telltale already had the license to Strong Bad and Sam and Max because of their work on the modern Sam and Max installments and Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People. They then focused on acquiring a Team Fortress 2 character as the designer’s themselves enjoyed the game immensely. It was these talks with Valve that created a healthy relationship between them later on.

Poker Night at the Inventory was released on November 22nd, 2010. It’s competition was Super Meat Boy (PC), Call of Duty Black Ops (PC, Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii), and Donkey Kong Country Returns (Wii).

Gameplay

Texas Hold ‘Em is one of the most popular and simple iterations of Poker. At the beginning of each round each player is dealt two cards face down. These cards belong to them and only they can use them to build a five card hand– the game automatically chooses the best hand your cards can make. There’s a round of betting. Three cards are dealt face up, these cards may be utilized by anyone to build a their hand. There’s a round of betting. A fourth card is dealt. Another round of betting. The final card is dealt followed by more betting. Then everyone reveals their cards and the most statistically unlikely hand is declared the most superior.

Ranked from most rare to least.

The real draw of the game is learning the tells of the other players. They don’t have perfect poker faces, they let go of little bits of information regarding the quality of their hands all the time. It’s up to the player to figure out what action correlates to what hand state. For example, if the Heavy slams his fist on the table he’s got bad cards. It’s most difficult to learn the tells of the cartoonish characters Max and Strong Bad but they do have them and I think they’re pretty funny.

The other gamblers at the table are Strong Bad from Homestarrunner.com, Max from the Sam and Max adventure game duo, The Heavy from TF2, and Tycho from Penny arcade and they act just like you’d imagine them to. Every so often one of the characters will offer collateral instead of money. Defeating them will earn the player an in game trophy and out of game loot– as in special items in other games, not a pile of jewels or something.

Such as Strong Bad’s one-of-a-kind special Dangeresque prop glasses.

Experiences

The enjoyment a player derives from this game is directly related to how much they trust the designers. I told someone that I was playing this game and they said that it didn’t matter, that the game was rigged, and that the AI could just count cards whenever they wanted. I think that’s an unjust estimation. The big difference between me and my friend here is that I trust the designers not to allow the game to work that way and that he didn’t.

If the designer loses the player’s trust then there’s no way for the player to have fun. That being said, I saw time and again how the characters were loyal to their character– The Heavy or Max plays just about exactly as you’d expect him to. The game earned my trust by sticking to its rules. None of the players ever present a tell in an attempt to deceive– sometimes a character might perform the tell for a bad opening hand but turn it around by the end.

The Gush

The Banter is really where this game shines. I think it’s really funny and it doesn’t present the same conversations too often. Some of it’s way out there and really deep into the mythos of each of the characters but some of it’s based on something as simple as the character’s appearance.

There’s also something delightfully silly about someone scooping up poker chips with a shovel.

All of the characters have character and I really like that. It comes through in the repeated attitudes. Strong Bad dislikes Tycho and will often insult him. The Heavy considers Strong Bad to be a little Heavy. I hadn’t even heard of Sam and Max before this game and it’s Max’s playing… style that got me interested in them.

I mean, the resemblance is uncanny.

A deck of playing cards goes for anything between 2 and 20 dollars. At 5 dollars, Poker Night at the Inventory measures up pretty well to the cost of a deck and it throws in the experience of hanging out with a bunch of silly characters to sweeten the pot.

The Kvetch

Eventually every mine runs dry. It takes a long time but eventually you’ve heard everything they’ve had to say. I pick it up every once and awhile but I’m not sure if I’m hearing something new or if I forgot I had heard it.

The aesthetics can get a little dry after a long time. It’s always the same guys, table, and Inventory every game. There’s no way to change it up.

The Verdict

 I’m fond of poker and I’m fond of videogames. This game is like the peanut butter cup of these two ideas, it’s goddam delicious. This isn’t a game that brings on long play sessions it’s more of touch and go and come back to experience. It’s definitely worth the 5 dollar value if you purchase it on Steam. I’d say you’d enjoy the game if you’re familiar with at least half of the characters and enjoy poker.

Next Week: The Bard’s Tale

Might and Magic VII: For Blood and Honor (PC)

This game is a little confusing because it’s got two introductory cutscenes. The first of which depicts strange alien creatures washing up on a beach’s shore. They argue briefly and then part ways. When the player begins the game the cutscene depicts a scavenger hunt that’s going to determine who’s the rightful lord of the province of Harmondale — And you thought women distributing swords was a poor form of governmental selection. You’re playing a group of contestants enrolled in the scavenger contest because they’ve yet to realize what a pain in the ass leadership is — don’t worry about the beach people, the game will get back to them in about 20 hours.

History

This game was the adventure game tie-in to Heroes of Might and Magic III or it’s more likely that it’s the other way around considering that the Might and Magic series has been running way longer than the Heroes series. Where the Heroes series was just hitting it’s stride the Might and Magic series was just beginning its decline — so sayeth the fan base. Blood and Honor uses most of the monster designs from the Heroes series but sometimes there are inconsistencies that are a little baffling.

A comparison of goblins between Heroes (on the left) and Blood and honor (On the right). I’m not sure if there’s a lore inconsistency or if there’s a breed of sub-goblin or something.

Might and Magic VII: For Blood and Honor was released on May 1st 1999– a month after Heroes III. It’s competition was Ape Escape (PS1), Pokemon Stadium 2 (N64), and Street Fighter III: Third Strike (Arcades).

Experiences

Playing this game for the first time was like trying to bust down a brick wall like I was the cool-aid man but instead of the cool-aid man I’m just myself who is also naked. In short, it was an unpleasant experience that took a long time of getting used to but felt really rewarding when I finally succeeded. I finally started completing quests and figuring out how the game worked and it only took minimal looking at walkthroughs. I learned that I couldn’t just make a party of fighters and punch my way through the game. I tried again with a balanced party and it was now like I had clothes and some football pads while I threw myself against this wall.

Gameplay

You play as a four headed hydra made up of an adventuring party– which is apparently composed of some sort of hive-mind or consensus because they do what you say and never disagree on anything. They go everywhere in lock step and never split the party, these guys and gals all lock their arms wherever they go.

There are nine classes that mix and match between the magic of self (Body, mind, and spirit), arcane magic (earth, wind, water, and fire), thief skills, and combat skills. As usual, they can each make up for their weaknesses in a certain way, sorcerers can use telekinesis on trapped chests or knights can just eat trap damage with their faces. Each class can learn a series of skills but certain classes can reach levels of a skill that others cannot i.e. only knights can become Grand Masters of Full Plate and only Druids can become Grand Masters of Alchemy.

Of course there are rats too. Lots of rats.

The rest of the game is pretty simple. You walk around, travel, find quests, and complete them. That’s really all there is to the game. There are some ancient lost treasures to plunder and artifacts to find but the only reward is in itself.

The Gush

The sound design is lovely. The little noise that the game makes whenever I pick up some loot fills me with a feeling of glee. In a game where money and the acquisition thereof is vital it’s important to make it feel good.

There comes a point in the game where a well built party is unstoppable. Where me and the gang can fly around a battlefield, nearly immune to damage, showering the warriors below with magical barrages and laser weaponry — did I mention this game has goddam lasers? Well, it does… about 30-40 hours in.

Exploring is actually really fun and rewarding in this game. There are all sorts of lost treasures, characters, contests, and locations hidden around each and every map. You never know what you’ll find but it’s certain to be pretty cool at the very least.

For 1999 the visuals present a solid looking 3-D environment. I was never blown but that’s just a result of the times.

The Kvetch

I couldn’t find who did the music for this game but it couldn’t have been the guy who composed the Heroes soundtrack because the music in this game is garbage. It’s all very fantasy, with violins and chanting everywhere, but every area has music that repeats every 2 minutes or so. Sometimes it’s on point but it’s mostly boring.

Death can create a bizarre lock on the player. Dying empties the players treasury, breaks some of their possessions– usually the important stuff like armor, and drops them back at Harmondale. It’s possible, especially at early levels, to have so much broken gear that it’s nearly impossible to keep the game going. The only saving grace is that time passes in game, aging your characters, but also respawning enemies to grind for loot and XP. It’s like a saving grace, if grace were as frustrating as solving a rubix cube.

The characters in your party talk all the time. They shout something every time they get hit. I want nothing more than to hear, “Was that supposed to hurt?” every second. It’s great. Most of the voice actors have really grating voices. Thankfully each voice isn’t matched to a character portrait so it’s possible to mix and match but I shouldn’t have to dodge the voices that are annoying.

The early levels in this game are such a grind. Just for kicks I used a character editor to raise all my character’s stats to 300 and they were still losing an 8th of their health getting attacked my living trees. It’s basically all about gear and the character’s stats don’t really matter a lot and that’s something that’s rubbed me the wrong way about DnD for a long time. I don’t want to feel like a pile of loot and gear, I want to feel like I HAVE gear that helps me do things.

The only choice with any impact in the game is choosing between godly virtue and despicable malevolence. This impacts the ending and what promotions characters can get but there’s no real character impact from the decision. If you join the bad guys then you’re evil now and that’s all there is to it. There’s no deeper meaning to either decision really .

Oh… no… my portraits are all red and black. I’m evil now, better go be evil and do mean stuff like steal things and cast the Armageddon spell.

The Verdict

Playing this game is like revenge against a bully. There’s a sickening sweetness, a lot of maniacal laughter, and a lot of shit talking something that’s down and out. But it also involves getting pushed around until you’ve had enough and a lot of frustration. The reward for mastering this game is the very act of having mastered it. The sense of character is non-existent, the plot’s weak but funny, and the lore of the game is so deep and byzantine that it holds relevance only for those deeply familiar with the series.

Next Week: Poker Night at the Inventory

Heroes of Might and Magic III: The Restoration of Erathia (PC, Mac, iOS, Android)

Dear god, that’s a helluva name.

The King of Erathia, Gryphonheart, has been assassinated. In his absence the underground empire of Nighon has teamed up with the, literally, hellish force of Eofol to take over the kingdom. Meanwhile, the Necromancers of Deyja are thinking of putting Gryphonheart’s corpse and it’s military experience to use. The kingdoms of Avlee and Bracada are trying to hold Erathia together but between the invasion from below and the barbarian land grabs, they’ve got their hands full. Catherine, the new queen, having heard of her father’s demise returns home. Having fought in Enroth’s brutal war for its throne, she expects only to bury her father. With her country in chaos it falls to her, and her talented commander, to fight for her homeland.

History

New World Computing had just been purchased by 3DO and they wanted a sequel for their successful Heroes of Might and Magic series. David Mullich, the director of the project, had worked on such games as Ducktales for the NES and I Have no Mouth and I Must Scream –two games that couldn’t be more different. He was accompanied by writer and assistant director Chris Vanover who wrote every character bio and most of the text for the game. Mullich’s goal was to take the basic systems of Heroes II but improve the visuals and tighten everything. To that end they used 3D sprites instead of 2D sprites. Mullich put together his team personally and said, “I was working with a dream team the likes of which I have never again experienced in my thirty-five years in game industry.”

Fun Fact: David Mullich appears in the level editor as an Erathian knight named Sir Mullich, who is “prone to spasmodic fits of uncoordinated excitement believed to intimidate his troops into working faster.”

Heroes of Might and Magic III was released on February 28, 1999. It’s competition was Baldur’s Gate: Tales From the Sword Coast (PC), Star Wars: X-Wing Alliance (PC), and Final Fantasy VIII (PS1).

Oh man, 3D graphics! I wish the heroes could do more than cast spells though… alas they don’t attack until Heroes IV.

 Experiences

Before I knew what Dungeons and Dragons was, before I knew about Tolkien, before Diablo, there was Heroes of Might and Magic. This is the game that taught me that Medusa turns things to stone and that wizards are awesome. I used to play this game when my mother would visit some of her friends. These guys were old-school nerds. These guys used to code in DOS and had played Betrayal at Krondor. This game sort of started my interest in nerd culture and I thank it for that.

This game’s got everything, dragons, orcs, titans, necromancers, elves, EVERYTHING! They’re throwing fantasy at the wall and everything sticks.

Gameplay

The player assumes the role of a commander overseeing all affairs military and domestic in some sort of armed conflict. This commander hires heroes who take the battle to enemy heroes and cities. Heroes gain experience and level up, gaining new skills and improving the stats of units under their control. Cities produce military units, gold, and a mage’s guild that teaches heroes valuable spells, both combat and non-combat.

These heroes navigate an overworld map covered with all sorts of monsters, locations, and general adventure.

The game is split into scenarios which each have a certain goal. Sometimes it’s simply to destroy all enemies but sometimes it’s something more specific like taking a certain town or destroying a certain hero. Sometimes the goal is something as oddly specific as getting a particular artifact or enough resources before other players.

There are also aproximately this many artifacts. All of which have an interesting ability.

The game also comes packed with Hot seat and IP address multiplayer. So you and your friends can settle which is the better on the field of honor.

The Gush

The music in this game is really awesome.  It’s delightfully epic in its scope. It’s low budget grand fantasy, it’s nothing that an 8 track and a keyboard couldn’t put together but I think that just gives it charm. From the sweeping crescendos of the Stronghold’s rugged mountains to the dingy gloom of the Necropolis’ death filled halls the music fits wonderfully.

There’s also something pleasing about building up a city from a town hall and some huts to something like this.

The campaign writing and voice acting is pretty good. My favorite writing is the incidental writing though. All of the artifact pick ups have a description and all of the heroes have little biographies. It’s usually really campy but occasionally there’s something unique and interesting. The story of the main campaign is also pretty good so I felt rewarded.

Do you see this guy? You’d better step back…

… because you’re dealing with motherfucking Solmyr, one of the most busted characters in the entire game. Anyone who likes the Tower knows that they hire this guy on sight. His heroic specialty is the spell Chain Lightning so he starts with it. It costs tons of mana and deals buckets of damage. It win fights –Unless it jumps to your troops. If you luck out then you’ll find the Pendant of Negativity which renders your troops immune to lightning –never strike your own troops again!– then again there’s the opposite scenario where it falls into enemy hands and Solmyr turns into a useless blue cloud. Oh yeah, and he’s a freaking genie!

The Kvetch

Some cities have building restrictions. It’s usually really flavorful, the city just doesn’t have the military infrastructure to support strong units. The problem comes when I spend a lot of resources claiming a city that actually didn’t have the ability to build anything useful. There’s no way to know before taking the city so it just feels like a giant waste of time.

The randomness factor on maps can be a big one. I’ve gotten artifacts that benefit ships on maps with no ocean because that’s just what randomly spawned. Monster randomization has left me crying on some maps and sometimes I breeze through the same scenario because the monsters joined me instead of fighting because we were of the same faction. It makes me feel like strategy and skill doesn’t have the amount of impact that it should.

The main campaign is incredibly hard at later levels! The first few scenarios are alright but I hit a giant brick wall that I’ve never been able to overcome without cheating. I keep thinking that I should just get good but I don’t know how to improve or what I’m doing wrong.

The Verdict

This game holds up today. I’ve kept going down the Heroes series and I’m not sure if its nostalgia or if the future games just keep adding more unnecessary stuff but this game feels like the sweet spot between features and simplicity. No matter what, it’s a wonderful strategy game with a deep lore. It’s a fun time and worth the cost.

Next Week: Might and Magic VII: For Blood and Honor

Army Men (PC and Game Boy Color)

Author’s note: I apologize for the lack of images in this review. I couldn’t take or find many good quality screenshots for this game — which makes sense given its overall quality.

All those little battles you and your friends had with those green and tan army men seemed like good fun at the time. Little did you fools know you were changing the face of an entire other world! This world is split between Grey, Tan, Green, and Blue. You play as the top soldier in the Green army, known only as Sarge. He’s been sent into enemy territory to unveil a Tan bid for power and generally ruin Tan’s day. Run, crawl, shoot, and struggle with controls in Army Men.

History

3DO started its bid as a company in order to create a CD based console that could blow the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo out of the water. It was certainly far more powerful, being able to play Playstation era games 2 years before the Playstation was released. It’s powerful hardware made it very expensive however, about three times as expensive as its competition, retailing for $599 — a business move that didn’t even make sense when Sony did it 13 years later with the PS3. This immense cost eventually ended up scuttling the company’s console development plans and forced them into making games such as the succesful Might and Magic and less succesful Army Men series.

Army Men was released in 1998. It’s competition was Metal Gear Solid (PS1), Starcraft (PC and N64), and Fallout 2 (PC).

Experiences

There’s one mission in this game that is so hard that childhood me almost stopped playing the game forever. It’s the escort mission. Every game had them back in the day and this game is no exception. You have to escort a truck with vital plastic on it through a series of narrow mountain passes to safety.The thing that really irks me though is that enemies come from behind, from off screen — I take that back, the thing that really irks me is that the truck can get stuck on a wall and destroy itself. It’s a game of memorization. You’ve got to figure out where to use this mortar to destroy that passage or use those land mines to stop that tank that comes from behind and destroys you at minute four or whatever. It’s just trial and error and that’s no fun.

Gameplay

The game is split into three acts which are seperated by different settings. These acts are split into chapters which each have a different map, each chapter has three or four missions in it which must be complete sequentially — the objectives of which are delivered via scratchy radio voice over. Sarge is mostly unsupported so get ready to attempt to be a one man wrecking crew — key word, attempt. The goal of each act is to find three pieces of some sort of cosmic key — which are made out of interlocking tinker toys — which tan will presumably use for some sinister purpose.

At least soldiers from other factions will fight each other as well as you.

Sarge’s main strengths come from his ability to not rely on the awful AI and the ability to use whatever weapon he finds. He has his trusty rifle, a secondary weapon, and a support item. Secondary weapons include grenades, bazookas, and the flamethrower — in a world made of plastic the flame throwing man is king [now that I think about it, how do they keep a flame thrower made of plastic working?]. Support items include first aid, explosives, mines, or a minesweeper — which serves only to gate off certain areas, necessitating that Sarge have to go someplace unpleasant to find a minesweeper so he can continue on the original path.

The Gush

I still like the final segments of the game. The final fight takes place in a graveyard where Tan and Grey soldiers rise from their graves to fight Sarge and each other. It was bizarre, like the forces of the keys were messing with reality. It also presented an interesting strategy where it was in the player’s best interest to avoid the conflict and let these quasi-zombies destroy each other.

I find it sort of humorous and interesting that this world is one where people, their tools, and vehicles are all made out of plastic.There’s one mission in which Sarge robs a bank filled with plastic. Is this inert, lifeless plastic or is this living plastic meant to be turned into men? Do they have to instill it with green color or will it work for them even though it’s tan? Well, nobody cares and this sort of lack of world-building makes me laugh.

The graphics actually look pretty good for the time. The set pieces look like they would actually be sold with the toys.

The concept of human objects being super weapons in a world of Army men was a pretty cool idea. I gotta give credit where credit’s due and say that a gate made out of building blocks and activated with a tinker toy key is pretty funny.

The Kvetch

The minimap is useful in a number of ways, it’s got a great sector system that informs the player quickly and succinctly where they need to go. On the other hand the first stage is a desert and therefore tan troops don’t show up on the mini-map even when the player uses reconnaissance to reveal it. Little did I know I could get a more detailed map by pressing F12 that points out troop movements and other information — and it was little known because who would press F12 for anything in a videogame?

Most of the game feels like memorization as opposed to a top down shooter. I’ll admit there’s tactical decisions to make such as where to place one of three air strikes but they always lead to memorizing where on the map the tanks are and use the strikes there.

The Tan AI is pretty good for a game from 1998 but it’s plain to see why the Green forces suffer heavy losses, it’s because their soldiers have the rough intellectual capacity of an actual plastic toy. Green soldiers that follow Sarge generally spend most of their time running in circles and shooting in the wrong direction.

I don’t know why but if I’m running forward and shooting I can turn right but I can’t turn left. This usually leads me to running around in a circle to create the most roundabout left turn in the history of gaming.

This one’s a little specific but I got stuck on a mission for days when I was a kid. The scenario is that there’s a wounded Green soldier who has important information but the bridge to reach him was destroyed and there’s no other way across the river. What I’m supposed to do is go upstream, blow up each of the ends of a bridge there, and let the center section of that bridge float downstream to create a new bridge to reach that soldier. The only thing that hints at this is the  that the game gives you explosives. This sort of thing has not happened before and it never happens again.

The music can get really repetitive. Every once and awhile I’m treated to a new song and it’s like a golden glow reaching through gross clouds made of snare drums.

I’ve had such a hard time remapping the controls into something that makes the game playable. Firefights are made pretty simple by rolling out of the way of bullets and rockets but I was never able to get the dodge roll keys off of the number pad, which meant I had to switch from the keypad to the number pad in order to win fights. It’s a frustrating mess.

Also, the voice acting is nearly unintelligible at points. I was thankful that the game super imposes text of the conversation when Sarge is getting orders. Sometimes it was so garbled I didn’t know what was going on.

The Verdict

I may have loved this game when I was a kid but that just leads me to think that I was a really dumb kid. Vehicles control poorly, getting caught on the smallest pieces of scenery. Sometimes I run into tanks with no weapons that can deal damage to them. I beat most missions by remembering ways to destroy certain things to enemies can no longer reach me. This game is four dollars on Ebay and I’d say that’s an appropriate cost for a game of this caliber.

Next week: Heroes of Might and Magic III

Game Dev Tycoon (PC)

I don’t know who you were before all this happened but that doesn’t matter now. The future is in shambles, brought upon by bad videogames. You’ve gone back in time using your trusty Delorian –you could use it to kill Hitler or something but… videogames, dude– to use the knowledge you have now to make a videogame development company that will stand the test of time.

Who’s garage is this? WHO’S GARAGE DID YOU STEAL!?

 

History

Game Dev Tycoon was made by Greenheart Games, a team of five people. Patrick Klug directed the project, inspired by a game called Game Dev Story. He and his team wanted a game like Game Dev Story but one that was based more on player decision and less on chance.

The game is probably most well known for it’s response to piracy. Green Heart released a version of the game on the Pirate Bay after it’s release that had a fatal error in it. After the player made a few games pirates would start taking a majority of the game’s profits prompting players with the message “Boss, it seems that while many players play our new game, they steal it by downloading a cracked version rather than buying it legally. If players don’t buy the games they like, we will sooner or later go bankrupt.” Eventually making the player go bankrupt.

Game Dev Tycoon was released on December 10th, 2012– and re-released on Steam in 2013. It’s competition was Baldur’s Gate: The Enhanced Edition (PC and iOS), Knytt Underground (PS3), and Street Fighter X Megaman (PC).

Gameplay

The game is pretty simple. You start out in a garage working alone, developing for the Govadore 64 and the PC. Each game needs a topic and genre pair — not all combinations are created equal however– and then a console to release it on –once again, some consoles are suited to different topics and genres. You can unlock research to market games, cater to a type of audience, or release it on multiple platforms. As well as researching new topics, better sound, graphics, and other features. The game then goes through a cycle of development which is expressed by a series of sliders. The more focused on one the more neglected the others become so it’s important to spend your developer’s time wisely — i.e. an FPS game needs good AI and Level Design but it’s Story doesn’t necessarily have to be great.

Eventually you get out of the garage and move on to an office, at which point you can hire additional employees — who can even be real people from the industry if you scout at the right times. More people means making better games but spending more money so it’s all a big gamble — one that you can control by making good games by considering what decisions will make them good.

Things eventually get crazy when your company opens up a Research and Development section or a Hardware lab. Then you can start making consoles or a version of Steam itself called The Grid and all sorts of other high end things.

I really like what a silly caricature this R&D lab is. My personal favorite is the guy in the purple scarf. It’s possible for him to end up in there alone if you cut the budget, spending his days talking to the open air.

Experiences

This game is like a pile of legos. It’s only limited by the player’s imagination and how many pieces they’ve got. I’ve known players to make silly challenges for themselves like trying to naming all of their games with dinosaur puns. I like to imagine what the game I’ve made would be like based on its title and such.

This game’s a surprisingly fun party game. Me and my friends have rules where one person is head director and every other person is on the board of trustees. They can make suggestions and instruct the director. They become the director if the game tanks and they offered the most helpful advice. So it, behooves them to offer bad info to make the game tank but enough good info to take over.

I also like naming games obvious parodies of pre-existing titles.

The Gush

I really like how obviously spoofy all the consoles and companies are. Mirconoft and Ninvento will always tickle my funny bone. It’s also interesting to hear the retelling of gaming history and why certain events occurred as they did.

The game has a bunch of silly and interesting easter eggs. It certainly doesn’t take itself too seriously. With such events including a secret agent named Blowfish who can wreak havoc on competing companies or give you technical support. Or Dave Johnson asking if you can put some exploding red barrels into a game.

The Kvetch

The musak in this game is definitely musak. It might change from stage to stage but it sounds samey and it’s just not very catchy or good. I muted the music and played just about anything else in the background.

The Verdict

I really like this game. It offers a satisfying power fantasy with relevant and educational information about the history of the game’s industry. That being said, there’s not much game here. The fun I have is based on silly challenges and thinking about stuff that the game doesn’t show like what the game would actually look like or what it would be about. If the concept of an imagination fueled adventure through making silly or awesome games interests you then I suggest you give this game a shot. It’s also cheap to boot with a ten dollar price tag.

The Yawhg (PC)

 

In a world of sword, sorcery, sorrow, and song, there is a city. The city is beset every great while by a disaster known as the Yawhg. You live in this city, ready to buckle down and really get your life in order– or perhaps to spend every week getting blackout drunk, it’s up to you. You’re all unaware that the Yawhg will come again in six weeks. Do what you will with the these weeks but the Yawhg will reduce the city to rubble…But perhaps you can rebuild and start over.

It’s text like this that puts me on edge in the best way.

 

Development

I said it didn’t get more indie than Studio Pixel’s one member but the Yawhg’s development team was pushing it with four people. The game was designed by Damian Sommer, a man who’s been making games since he was ten years old. He made the game based on an older and less robust title called Dungeon of Fayte. Emily Carroll made the art, co-designed, and c0-wrote it. She’s most well known for her horror themed comics and her marvelous art style. They made it during the Independent Games Festival and it made it to the finals although it didn’t win.

The Yawhg was released on May 30th, 2013. It’s competition was Fez (PC), Dust: An Elysian Tale (PC), and Monaco: What’s Yours is Mine (XBox Live Arcade).

Experiences

Because I’m a giant dork who doesn’t like large groups of people I occasionally host tea parties. Little get-togethers where I can see all of my friends in one day, they can all see each other, and everyone can have a little snack. We all chat and sometimes we sit around the computer and play some games. The Yawhg has become one of the most popular titles during these gatherings. There usually aren’t more than four people so it all works out perfectly.

And with exquisite characters like these there’s never anyone that someone doesn’t want to play.

Gameplay

The Yawhg plays like a choose-your-own adventure. Each character starts with a five in all of the main statistics, like physique or charm, except wealth which always starts at zero. The city has locations like the arena, hospital, and gardens that the player can visit and each location has two activities the character can perform there. After the player chooses an activity they’re beset by a random encounter and the player can choose how they react. Do they have wealth to spare for the fortune teller? Do they drink the potion that’s about to explode? Well, it depends on their stats whether they succeed– although a panty-waist might not want to drink that exploding potion, just saying, but you do you man.

Also, just look at this beautiful fucking city.

After the Yawhg hits it’s up to the players to use their abilities to help rebuild the town– or descend into drunkenness or looting. If the players use their talents effectively then the town will be able to rebuild. If the leader is dumber than a rock or the builder isn’t physically fit then things could get problematic.

The Gush

There are only seven tracks to the soundtrack but it’s all very well employed. The game is short so it’s also more than enough music to go around. The music is mostly acoustic guitar and keyboard so it’s pretty simple. The epilogue music gets me a little choked up every time though.

The game provides a simple but wonderful setting to roleplay in. I found it a good opportunity to introduce people to RPing to see if they liked it.

The art provided by Carroll is marvelous and I feel like the characters are so animated. Each of the characters looks so good that I like playing them all.

Although, Mr. Aurum is definitely my favorite.

The scenarios are often absurd and silly but that just adds to the fun and contrasts with the darker scenes and epilogues. It’s interesting to think of a character who once found the King’s secret wine cellar then drinking to forget the horrors of The Yawhg.

The Kvetch

There are over 50 unique endings for completing the game but sometimes there will be stretches where I swear I’ve done different things but I see the same epilogues again and again. I much prefer the more unique endings.

The Verdict

It’s a fun little party game that’s got a fair bit of replay value, especially considering the cost. But it is little, although Sommer has added content here and there. It’s worth a few playthroughs at least and I think it’s definitely worth the cost but the game has as much enjoyment as effort you put into it. It’s all about creating a character and thinking of what they would do and why. As soon as it gets reduced to stats and that sort of dominant strategy it loses its luster. It’s also super fun the more friends that join in.

Next Week: Game Dev Tycoon.

Shadow of the Colossus (PS2, PS3 [Japan Only])

This game is scarce on plot but what we know is that a young man, named Wander, beseeches a dark god, named Dormin, to bring a young woman, named Mono, back to life. To this end Wander must destroy sixteen great beasts across the Forbidden Land. And when I say “great” I mean freakin’ huge, like houses huge. Accompanied solely by his horse, Agro, and armed only with a sword and bow Wander must slay these mountains.

Development

Shadow of the Colossus was designed by Fumito Ueda, produced by Kenji Kaido, and developed by team Ico, a team of only 35 people.  Ueda was an admitted perfectionist who pushed his team to the brink of their abilities and turned away 498 out of every 500 artists who proposed to work on the game. Kaido also pushed the team by having them accurately depict what a being the size of a Colossus would do by moving to the world around it. When Colossi walk the screen shakes and leave deep divots in the earth that can send Wander tumbling. On top of this he urged them to design the Colossi as living terrain in the physics engine. When their limbs are horizontal Wander can walk across them instead of climbing them for instance.

Shadow of the Colossus was released on October 18th, 2005. It’s competition was Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth (PC, XBox), Call of Duty 2 (PC), and Resident Evil 4 (PS2).

It’s also visually stunning to boot.

Gameplay

There are only sixteen enemies in this game. The colossi are the only things that will actively try to harm Wander, and for the most part they’re more interested in aimlessly ambling about than actually hurting the player — although they can be incited to rage by pelting their eyes with arrows. Considering they’re all quite large, the smallest are roughly the size of four horses put together, Wander will have to put his climbing and parkour skills to the test. Wander is actually pretty good at climbing and controlling on colossi limbs is more responsive then I’d expect a shaking goliath would allow. Agro is a little less responsive however. Ueda wanted Agro to be so much like a real horse that he wouldn’t always obey commands– it only happens very rarely or when Agro is under extreme duress but that’s a really interesting detail.

The enemies in the game are more like puzzles than they are actual fights. Fighting a Colossus head to head, or head to ankle, wouldn’t be much of a fight. As such Wander must climb on their bodies in order to reveal weak points that his blade can inflict serious, black-blood spurting, wounds upon. Climbing on them is not so easy however, some have stone armor that is unclimbable while others fly or have similar defenses. Some of them have devilishly hidden weak points which can be revealed by focusing light on Wander’s sword and pointing it at where the beams of light focus– this method is also used to locate the Colossi’s stomping grounds.

Yar, light marks the spot.

Experiences

I’m really not good at puzzle games. I get frustrated easily and when I first laid eyes on a Colossus I thought there was no way I could kill it– I thought the game was a twenty dollar sick joke played on gamers. I put the game down for a few months after I died more times than my little nerves could take. I came back to it though and figured out its secrets. After I beat the first one I was hooked. Knowing that I had destroyed one let me know that I could destroy them all– or at least that the game wasn’t a cruel joke played on gamers around the world.

The Gush

This game’s story tells a lot while saying very little. The body language isn’t incredible but it’s interesting to see the looks on Wander’s face or the tone in Dormin’s voices. It leaves a lot for interpretation but it’s super fun.

If you just want to explore then you efforts will be well worth it. The entirety of the world was populated with shrines, geological peculiarities, flora, and all sorts of stuff that has no bearing on you ability to find giants and serves merely to be seen. If the sheer beauty of the world doesn’t dazzle you you can go hunting for fruits, which increase you maximum health — although most Colossi can kill you in one hit anyway–, and lizard tails which increase your maximum stamina — yeah, that’s more like it.

I dunno, a view like this is reward in itself.

The music is great. It’s full of orchestral pieces that constantly put me on edge in the best way. I don’t think I’m going to be attacked but I constantly feel like something is out of place or that this Forbidden Land is forbidden for a reason. Even the blaring trumpets of the triumphant moments when the Colossi are open to attack struck me as hollow in some way.

If you can’t get enough Wander on Colossus action then you can play hard mode. Which ups the Colossi’s response times and speeds. You can also play through time trials that unlock special items like a map to find those lizards, a mask that increases your damage, or exploding arrows for the ultimate silliness.

The Kvetch

Some of the Colossi are a giant pain in the ass. There’s one that breaths poisonous gas and I seriously don’t know how to beat that guy. I gave the controller to my cousin, I think, and let him handle the damn thing. The final Colossi shouldn’t be a push-over but the only reason I knew how to beat him was because I chatted with an uncle at a wedding reception and he mentioned that it took him forever to figure out how to beat this guy.I eventually caved and asked him for the low-down and it was still hard as hell.

Sometimes it seems like the only penalty for failure is time. Falling off a colossus is sometimes necessary to get to a new weak point on it or to avoid taking tons of damage or drowning. Once you figured out the trick though there’s no real challenge. It just takes more time to get back to where you were.

The Verdict

This game changed me. It taught me things about stories, intentions, endings, and the concept of adage. I laughed, I cheered, I cried, I stamped my feet and refused, and was sent to my room without supper. I bested foes 50 times my size and knew that I did it by the seed of my own wit  — with a few exceptions. I love this game and I urge you to give it a shot.

Yeah, this game makes you feel something like this. (Image courtesy of iwilding at http://iwilding.deviantart.com)

Next Week: The Yawhg

Hotline Miami 2: The Dangers of Escapism and the Importance of Embracing Reality

Spoiler Alert! This article contains major spoilers for the finale and events of Hotline Miami 2. Please do not read if you don’t want to be spoiled or if the content of the game is too graphic.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the Hotline Miami series interacts with reality in weird ways. The psychedelic unreliably narrated games are steeped in a drug induced haze that most of the characters are unable to escape from or unwilling to leave. The characters from the second game in particular are split in camps between those who escape too much from reality and those who do not. These camps are also divide by who is able to prevent 50 Blessings cult from instigating World War Three and those who have too many obligations to be running off half-cocked.

The game splits characters into realists and escapists. They’re also split between characters who kill because they can and characters who kill because they must. Jake, The Mob Boss, The Actor, and The Henchman, The Fans, and Manny Pardo (I’m not going too in depth with the Henchman or the Actor as they only have three levels between the two of them, one of these levels being the tutorial.) are firmly in the escapist camp whereas Evan Wright, Richter Berg, and the Soldier are realists.

Now that we’re all here, let’s begin.

Hotline Miami 2 takes place in an alternate history in which the Cold War got very hot in 1983-85 and Hawaii was the battleground. The US loses and The Soldier and Jacket, the protagonist from the first game, barely escape from the bitter conflict with their lives. In 1986 The Soldier goes on to own a convenience store in California and he’s killed in a nuclear blast before he and Jacket can resolve their feelings about the war. Needless to say, tensions between Russia and the US are still strained in 1991, the current day for the game’s setting, and things are driven further to the brink by a group calling themselves 50 Blessings. 50 Blessings employs agents known as operators, threatening them under pain of death or other coercion, to kill Russian mobsters in an effort to force an international incident.

Jacket and Jake are operators for 50 Blessings in 1989. Jacket’s obviously motivated by his interactions with the Soldier but it’s unclear his emotional state i.e. is he doing it for revenge or as a way to misguidedly cope with loss (He never speaks so it’s difficult to tell). Jake on the other hand is an eager ultranationalist who thinks the US can do no wrong and Russia can do no right —  this is the kind of guy who treats ‘Russian’ as the most grievous insult he can inflict. 50 Blessings refuses his desire for transparency and any sane person would see that they’re dangerous. If the player plays their cards right Jake will even be invited to a 50 Blessings recruitment center that’s disguised as a organization that peacefully resists the Russians. One of the recruiters tracks him down for knowing too much and even when Jake’s got a gun in his face he trusts these men implicitly. Jake even mentions that a lot of the people involved have a military history and could put up a damn good fight against the Russians again. If he weren’t so blinded by his fanatical devotion he might consider turning these military against his tormentors but this thought never occurs to him.

I mean, as peaceful as an organization can be who has an American flag patterned rug –it hurts my eyes.

Fast-forwarding –literally, that’s how the game does time skips– into 1991, 50 Blessings has completed its goal of eliminating the Russia mafia and does not send out any more calls. A detective, Manny Pardo, is investigating a line of grisly murders. The catch is that he’s the killer. He uses his knowledge of police protocol to leave no useful evidence behind. The kicker is that he kills only for attention. He wants to be famous, during a scene where he talks with the CSI he imagines a camera crew nearby, filming the scene. Before the first level he comments to the waitress at a diner that she wouldn’t believe what the station has him doing i.e. investigating his own killings.

His levels consist of him thwarting untold numbers of criminals all by himself. These criminals are generally the people who are the most prominent threat at the time. His opponents are generic criminal thugs, then the Colombians (who have taken over the crime scene since the Russian Mob got wiped out), and then the police force who he believes have found him out. The Police station level is revealed to be a dream which casts this light on the other levels. Pardo dies in the nuclear blasts that herald World War 3 after he barricades himself in his home for an unknown period of time waiting for a manhunt that never occurs. If he had been doing his job he might be investigating these weird symbols that are at the buildings with dead Russian mobsters in them.

It’s not too much of a stretch for his levels to all be dreams. They’re generally the most absurdly difficult (Because he wants to be a bigger hero) and break canon with other events.

Then there are the Fans, who Pardo despises for stealing his spotlight. They share 50 Blessings anti-Russian sentiment and see Jacket as a hero but 50 Blessings isn’t sending out calls any more. They want to be noticed by the organization so they kill criminal thugs. They dress up like 50 Blessings members, with animal masks –which makes them literally in murderous cosplay– and hit the streets in their absurd death van. These guys are so far from the truth and they never bother to examine 50 Blessings for what it was. They see people killing Russian mobsters and they want in. There’s very little examination in them. They just want to play hero and kill criminals. They don’t even notice when their fantasy falls to pieces. They try to “rescue” a girl from some thugs but are shocked when she’s apprehensive about leaving with them.

Fun Fact: If the player moves forward she will shoot them and it forces them to restart the level.

The Fans are killed by the Mob Boss who systematically kills them as they clear the floors of the last remaining Russian controlled building in the city. Speaking of the Mob Boss, although Jacket killed his father and 50 Blessings destroyed his organization he has no desire to get back at them. He “follows his father’s footsteps” as Richard puts it and continues to mindlessly amass wealth and power. His escapism = death and pain metaphor isn’t a metaphor though. He munches four handfuls of pills and trips himself to death. He kills the Fans in the drug haze.

And then fucking walks off a building because he thinks there’s a rainbow bridge.

Back to the beginning of things and onto the realists, the Soldier is a member of an elite unit called the Ghost Wolves. The Ghost Wolves perform operations that others can’t even though there are only four of them. They’re coordinated by a Colonel who is only known by his rank. Before their most dangerous mission yet The Colonel approaches them with a panther hide draped across his body. He begins expounding how “They don’t even know why they’re fighting,” and that, “They enjoy it.” The Ghost Wolves, despite their mythic penchant for violence, do not agree. They ask if he’s feeling and don’t follow up on The Colonel’s words. As if to punctuate this the hide slides off and The Colonel mumbles something about drinking too much. The Soldier and his crew are unwilling to listen to this rhetoric.

In any other situation The Colonel would be put away. If someone acted like that outside the context of a commanding officer in war time then The Solder, given his generally caring personality, would have gotten him some professional help at the very least. The circumstances make him unable to do so. This Colonel goes on to lead 50 Blessings and the march begins. The Soldier’s death is quick and the only thing he lacked was a copy of the war photograph he gave to Jacket although he does say that he doesn’t care when Jacket gets it to him.

Richter Berg is a lonely man with an ailing mother who probably joined 50 Blessing for the opportunity to make a friend or quite possibly just socialize with someone. To this end he was told to leave messages on people’s phones and tag areas Russian Mobsters frequented with the 50 Blessings symbol. When he was ordered to start killing instead of painting targets he refused. He was willing to stand against 50 Blessings, that is until they threatened the life of his mother.

He submits to their demands and does not fight against them. He’s able to break out of prison however and with the help of The Writer, Evan Wright, he’s able to reunite with his mother in Hawaii. Richard reveals that they’ve been having a good time but Richter agrees that good times never last. He and his mother are destroyed in a nuclear blast. Speaking of The Writer, he’s the closest of all the main characters to realizing the 50 Blessings conspiracy.

He was a correspondent during the war and he’s been trying to find a profitable occupation or to write a popular book ever since. His family’s not exactly suffering but they’re certainly not on the fast track to success. Jacket’s actions, and the popularity surrounding them, inspire him to write a comprehensive text on Jacket and his crimes. He could write about the Russo-American conflict but that just won’t sell in this environment. He could plunge himself deep into the world of 50 Blessings to figure out all there is to know about it but he has a family to care for.

He’s also the kind of guy who asks for an ambulance for someone who threatened to kill him.

There’s too much in the way between him and the truth. It’s perfectly reasonable that he stick by his wife and two children, a wife who leaves him only to return if Evan chooses the family over his career. They’re all eliminated in a nuclear blast. Evan, Richter, and The Soldier all experience quick merciful deaths and despite the hardships in their lives they find meaning and a degree of happiness, happiness in a way that The Mob Boss, The Fans, Jake, and Pardo do not. None of them were able to prevent 50 Blessings’ mad march but the game recognizes that the realists at least had good reasons not to.

As if this were not enough, the game, represented by the character Richard, sneers at characters who use their escapism like a crutch, and these characters are punished with grisly and painful deaths or desperately empty lives. He is much more civil with the realists and is even conversational with The Soldier. He tries to explain things to Evan but can only say, “I’m the opposite of why you’re writing your book.” When Richter apologizes for his actions Richard commends him for this but that it’s too little too late.

The game is trying to warn against excessive escapism. All of the escapists are extreme in their fantasies and their divorce from reality. As if to show this even further they find articles about the mounting tensions but are only able to read a few lines before they move on to something else. They don’t keep up with current events, they don’t look at the world in a larger picture, they’re just in it for their own close-minded goals. And because they’re all so wretchedly selfish the events of the game go off, seemingly, without a hitch.

So, was Jacket a realist or an escapist?

Road of the Dead (IT’S A FLASH GAME)

Road of the Dead is a kind of driving game– I mean, you don’t actually turn, you just shift along the road– where the city is being overrun by zombies — how original– and you have to escape them –actually, a little more original than killing them all. It’s a game that I love but I’m not sure if it’s actually good.

History

Road of the Dead was made by Jim Kidwell under the name SickDeathFiend –is this guy sixteen? He’s been steadily making games and animations since 2003 — where he may well have been sixteen (well played internet, well played). These animations include Zombie Panic, Don’t Feed the Zombie, and Lab of the Dead so I think it’s safe to say that Kidwell enjoys zombies — there’s also a game called Segway of the Dead so Kidwell’s definitely got a sense of humor.

Road of the Dead was released on October 13th, 2010. It’s competition was The Room: The game also on Newgrounds, Loved, and Robot Unicorn Attack.

Experiences

This game spread like wildfire when my friends and I played it. It started with one of us  at our college campus’ computer club and it spread like a zombie virus itself. We were all shouting about how cool we thought it was and laughing about the crazy things that were happening to us. But it was a short game so it was only king for a day and then we moved back to playing TF2.

Gameplay

You play as an automotive mechanic using your suped up sports car to try to escape a city that’s experiencing a zombie outbreak. You never figure out why it’s happening but it’s largely irrelevant to your desire to get the fuck out. The road is littered with abandoned cars, good old fashioned oil slicks, zombies, people, and the goddam military. You don’t have to drive the whole highway in one go though, the game’s got checkpoints to make things a little easier.

You can upgrade your vehicle by spending Road Points — which I think is a hilarious name. You get road points by reaching distance milestones, hitting military people who are trying to stop you, and hitting zombies. You lose points by the bucket-full for hitting civilians. You can get civilians out of the way by honking the horn but that will attract zombies and soldiers to you. You can spend road points on body armor, a minimap that shows you where the hazards are, better tires, a fire-arm to get those pesky zombies off your dashboard — which is the most stressful thing ever, by the way.

Boom! You got it, you can upgrade it.

Gush

The game has more robust design than I was expecting it to have. My windshield got all smashed up because it had been shot and I had rammed into some things. I could barely see through it and I figured I’d have to ram into more things in order to break it which would deal damage to the vehicle as well. I took a quick look at the controls and hit F at which point the driver smashed the windshield. It also has functioning windshield wipers for getting the blood off.

The voice acting is better than I expected it to be. It’s not great but for some people with theoretically zero dollars worth of budget I found myself reasonably immersed. I also love how incredibly cheesy some of the lines are. There’s nothing like The Driver facing down a military chopper while he shouts, “I’m not stopping. I’M NOT STOPPING!” Like the thing can actually hear him!

I love how things escalate in this game. You’re one car on the road and eventually the military throws choppers, land mines, explosive charges, spike strips, and over a hundred infantrymen to deal with you. It’s just one guy! Let him go! It’s so ridiculous and I love it.

The Kvetch

Hitting a zombie dead-on can cause it to explode in gory chunks and I’m cool with that, it’s a zombie, it’s fragile. The same thing can happen when the car hits a soldier hits dead-on and there are alternate animations it could have used, people slide over the hood or under the car all the time. I know it’s a silly game and it’s not realistic but that stretched my disbelief a little too thin.

Sometimes there are stretches of road that are so covered in vehicles that I have no idea how to pass through them without taking damage. It was like the game was saying, “You got this far without getting hit so now we’re gonna lower your health anyway.”

Why are female zombies usually dressed in their underwear or other skimpy clothing while dudes are dressed in business suits and such. I mean, it’s not just this game, it’s in nearly all zombie media. In short I think they could have done with a few more zombie models for variety’s sake.

And every female zombie has a tube top and a torn skirt.

The Verdict

I went back to it and I didn’t play it all the way through but I had a fun hour of it. It’s not a long game but it packs a fun experience into a small package. In short, if you’re in the mood for some zombie based shenanigans then you could do worse than check this game out.