Charles Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (PC)

The year is 2053 and the events you are about to witness — and instigate — are totally canon. Twelve years ago one B-Baller performed a Verboten Jam, invoking the Chaos Dunk. It leveled the venue, wrecked the city, and killed millions (For, as we all know, Basketball is the most powerful force in the universe). The fans grew fearful and in their panic began the great B-Ball purge. Many, once trusted and popular athletes  were slain as a grief-stricken population took revenge. Some ballers survived though, greats like Larry Bird, the treacherous Michael Jordan, and the perpetrator of the Chaos Dunk himself, Charles Barkley.

Without the power of B-Ball to sustain it, and with disaster just behind them, civilization began to degrade and usher in the Post-Cyberpocalypse. A terrorist organization known as BLOODMOSES has threaten the world with bloodshed and pain. They make good on their promise by executing a Chaos Dunk on Manhattan. Barkley claims innocence but his words fall on deaf ears. He must now safeguard his son and take down the true perpetrator of the latest disaster.

History

Charles Barkely Shut up and Jam: Gaiden was created by, infant studio, Tales of Games. Composed of members of an amateur game development forum names included such talents as GZ, Chef Boyardee, bort, and quackgyver. Development started over a discussion about someone on Wikipedia asking if the Space Jam was canon. Prompting further questions about whether the commenter was referring to the Loony Toons canon or Jordan’s life itself.

Barkley is actually referring to the Space Jam B-Ball. Space Jam is canon in this game.

The game was originally created in RPG Maker 2003 but was ported to Game Maker 6.1 due to its greater power and flexibility as a program. The game includes many stolen assets — especially those taken from Michael Jordan: Chaos the Windy City — the music however, was not stolen. With the exception of one track it was all made by Chef Boyardee.

Fun Fact: For all you Final Fantasy X fans out there it’s possible to play through the entire game with the Al Bhed language cypher.

Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden was released on January 22nd, 2008. It’s competition was No More Heroes (Wii), Sins of a Solar Empire (PC), and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii).

Experiences

I cannot recall when I first heard about this game. One of the older Let’s Players whose channel had since become abandoned probably played it. I just know that I saw it someone play it and had to track it down. I was horribly unprepared however for its unrelentingly dark story, grim world, hopeless scenario, and incredibly fun combat. I was expecting a goof, a lark, but I got more than that. I got something legitimately well made considering what the developers had to work with and more-so something imaginative and compelling. Something that transcends the silliness of its source material if you let it.

Gameplay

Charles Barkley Shup up and Jam: Gaiden plays like an average JRPG. There’s turn based combat, combat commands — each character getting unique mechanics to improve their attacks, no less — , skills that exhaust a secondary resource, and if everyone in your party runs out of health then it’s game over. You play as Charles Barkley and any he can call to his cause. That being said, he’s been hardened by the years — at this point he’s 70 years old– he’s cold, callous, and only looks after him and his own.

Of course it’s still tinged with B-Ball video game jargon.

The major draw of the game, however, is not the combat. The more fun and compelling aspects are the story and the world. A narrative that introduces the incredibly absurd and then takes it deadly serious. In which Michael Jordan abandoning his fellow Ballers and joining their persecutors is a serious character event that shapes the story.

The Gush

This game is so far over the top that it cannot see nor remember what the bottom looks like from its current lofty vantage. It’s a thing of wonder. The currency of the Post-Cyberpocalypse is Neo-shekels and Ecto-cooler is a healing item. I should also point out that this age is called the POST-CYBERPOCALYPSE! And yet it’s all so grounded in common story tropes and elements.

The music in this game is shockingly good. One of the songs was stolen wholesale from a Final Fantasy game but I’m of the understanding that the rest of it was made by Chef Boyardee. Even in the most mundane of circumstances the music accentuates the emotional impact of the scene — or is just incredibly metal.

The characters in this game are all so brilliantly realized. From Barkley’s dry, jaded, style to The Ultimate Hellbane’s art, poise, and seriousness everyone is their own creature, rarely limited to stereotype — I mean, the robot beeps and boops a lot like you’d expect a robot to.

B-Ball has never been so fantasized… and it’s great.

The Kvetch

This game is actually shockingly long. So long that I think its drags a little bit. Maybe something could have been cut or something could have been tightened. I’m really digging to find something I don’t like here and this is all I’ve got.

The Verdict

This game is incredible on its own merits and what makes it even better is that it’s completely free. Tales of Games has a free download on their website that’s kept up to date and bug-free for every new edition of windows. I implore anyone out there who doesn’t hate turn based RPGs and could go for something dark and absurd to download Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam: Gaiden. And keep an eye out for its sequel The Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa (Or TMRoTnnEfN7RoCTOGotMC2otHBS for short).

Next Episode: Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (PC, Mac, Linux, XBox 360, and PS3)

After Roland and his friends opened The Vault of The Destroyer in Borderlands 1, but before Jack held Pandora in peril by opening The Vault of the Warrior there was a bit of a transitory period. The one we know as Handsome Jack wasn’t always the terrifying, maniacal, and deluded dictator we met in Borderlands 2. Before his meteoric rise to power he was a simple code-monkey named John. John was assigned to the Hyperion planetary orbiting space station, Helios, and used its facilities to learn about The Vault of the Watcher on Pandora’s moon, Elpis.

As soon as John hires four — or six depending on whether you bought the DLC or not — Vault Hunters to track it down Helios is attacked by a group of ex-Dahl corporation soldiers known only as the Lost Legion. Lead by their commander, Zarpedon — the game treats the name with all the respect it deserves — and assisted by a strange Eridian being they conquer Helios.

And I do mean Strange with a capital S or whatever letter or word that’s supposed to be.

 

You play as one of these Vault Hunters as you run and gun your way across the foreign moon. Use your abilities, jump in sweet moon gravity, slam, and try not to run out of air or get killed by the desperate natives of Elpis.

History

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel was developed by 2K Australia, assisted by Gearbox Software, and published by 2K Games. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford remarked that there was no current plan for a third installment in the Borderlands series because, “We don’t know what that is yet. We can imagine what it must achieve, but we don’t know what it is yet.” I personally think they wanted to keep the Borderlands momentum going so Tales from the Borderlands and the Pre-Sequel got the green light.

2K Australia used their position as primary developer to include a lot of Australia culture — in short, Elpis is literally space Australia (Rugged terrain, monstrous creatures, tough locals… sounds like Australia to me). That all being said, Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel is the last game 2K Australia would ever make and would get shut down on April 15th 2015.

Borderlands: the Pre-Sequel was released on October 14th, 2014. It’s competition was The Evil Within (PC, XBox 360, XBox One, PS3, and PS4), Bayonetta 2 (WiiU), and Civilization: Beyond Earth (PC, Mac, Linux).

Experiences

So, Claptrap is a playable character in this game and I do not know anyone who likes playing him or playing alongside him… except me. Playing him is a super troll tactic because his abilities are actually incredibly powerful but then… you have to listen to him and have him on your team. Now, here’s the thing, I’ve never found Claptrap to be particularly annoying. I understand that he’s got a squeaky voice, occasionally breaks into dub-step solos, has an addiction to high-fives, and is generally awful at everything but I’m luke-warm on it. I think what really pisses people off is that when Claptrap uses his action skill, Vault Hunter.EXE, it prevents or forces all other Vault Hunters to do something. So… naturally I play him all the time.

That being said the Vault Hunter.EXE effects are really powerful… but pseudo random.

Gameplay

Like all Borderlands that came before it, this game is about guns, loot, leveling up, a sprinkling of story, and high silliness in a hostile environment. The setting of the day is Pandora’s, shockingly habitable, moon known of Elpis — I see what they did there with their Greek myth references. The thing that differentiates Elpis from Pandora is that it’s filled with Australians, oh yeah it also has diminished gravity and no oxygen. The creatures are tough and the locals are tougher and they’re all gonna stop you from getting into the Vault of the Watcher.

Zarpedon might be a doofy name but the Lost Legion’s commander will wreck you with or without her robot suit.

Being on Elpis brings unique challenges and mechanics. Since the moon’s got no oxygen you’ve got to keep an eye on your oxygen levels — except you don’t because most enemies drop O2 tanks. And since the moon has less gravity you can jump really high and use a little oxygen to propel you forward. While you’re up there you can also expend O2 to propel yourself into the ground producing a slam that damages all nearby enemies. You can also use O2 to revive downed teammates faster so… O2 is an ever-present and useful resources… cool.

The Gush

Each character now has their own unique vocal responses to campaign dialogue. Some of them even have totally unique banter with NPCs. Playing through the game as every character offers that character’s understanding on things — Except Wilhelm, that guy kinda just cares about the money.

It feels SOOOO good to get off Pandora. Elpis has got laser weapons, a lot of the same problems, but — even though there’s no atmosphere– it was a giant breath of fresh air. It showed me how the galactic corporations screwed over and exploited the resources of other planets in addition to Pandora. And while you’re on Elpis…

… YOU CAN DRAW THE MIGHTY EXCALIBASTARD FROM THE ROCK or…

You can meet a new cast of kooky characters! Meet Janey Springs, The Merriff, and kill a sentient AI who’s only crime was trusting the universe to be just — that got really dark… I loved chatting with and doing quests for the denizens of Elpis.

Not to mention the return of many familiar faces.

Oh man, don’t you hate it when you’ve got that backpack full of useless and crappy weapons? Well now you can shove them in The Grinder and turn them into a new weapon of the same quality and level and have the chance to grind them into a weapon of a higher quality. Including the ability to turn epic weapons into legendary ones. I know the odds are slim, but any odds is better than nothing at all. And anything I can do with my spare weapons that isn’t sell them for nearly useless money is a welcome addition.

The Kvush

I’m a little torn about a game showing Jack’s rise to power. I didn’t think it was really necessary or treading new ground. Borderlands 2’s insights into Jack’s past told me everything I needed to know about him. He loves his wife, loves his daughter, his daughter’s a siren, she loses control of her siren powers, incinerates mom, Jack does everything in his power to provide for her and control her power, gets obsessed with control, gets obsessed with doing the right thing, and that leads him to control the company that tried to grind him into the dirt –which would have threatened Angel’s safety– and then he loses all the bearing on his moral compass when he actually comes into all the power he ‘deserved the whole time’. I definitely found the story about the Vault of the Watcher to be interesting if only because it expands on the connection between Eridians, mortals, and sirens. I know that it had to show all the stuff going on with Jack but I just wish it had been in an better package, I suppose. That’s why this is in the Kvush instead of either of the other sections.

The Kvetch

New characters, new skills, new laser weapons, new elemental type, new butt-slam attack, and despite it all the game feels a little stale. It’s still just a game of kill, loot, kill, quest, kill, loot until you’re satisfied or simply done with it all. Because the game runs on Borderlands 2’s engine the game even looks and feels the same as its predecessor — especially when you’re not in a low gravity environment. If you had your fill of Borderlands 2, The Pre-Sequel might taste like more of the same.

Half of the DLC in this game is functionally worthless. The new characters and Claptrap’s Claptastic Journey were a great value that I found loads of fun. Even so the ending of the Claptastic Journey let me down hard — then again, it’s about Claptrap, maybe that was the point. Skip on the season pass and just grab the stuff you want.

Oh man, look at how cool they make this trash look!

It’s a small complaint but it really gets on my nerves. In Borderlands 2, after you defeated the Warrior he would vomit loot all over the battlefield before perishing. Disregarding the convenience of the act, that’s awesome — I love loot. And if you went back to his den he’d be magically returned to life, ready to die and vomit more high class weaponry and junk all over the place. For whatever reason, despite being harder to get to, The Watcher can only be fought again on a higher difficulty with the expenditure of this game’s rare currency, moonstones. Why? Why you gotta play me like that?

The Verdict

I really enjoyed Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel –with inverse proportionality to how difficult it is to type. (Seriously, a colon and a dash is just too much for me). Even after I played Borderlands 2 I was still hungry for more silly gun/looting action and this really scratched the itch. Throw in a new setting and the ability to annoy my friends *AHEM* I mean the privilege to play as Claptrap and then go into his incredibly depressed and depressing head and they’ve got me hook, line, and sinker.

Next Week: Charles Barkley: Shut up and Jam Gaiden.

Papers, Please (PC, iOS, and PS Vita [TBA])

You are a citizen of Arstotzka — Glory to Arstotzka. After applying to the labor lottery yet again you’ve finally been assigned a position — and not a moment too soon, your savings just ran out. You have been granted the privilege of being a Border Inspector. Checking over documents of incoming immigrants to make sure they are supposed to enter the country. Every person you process correctly earns you the money your family needs to survive. If they all die on your watch or your account balance is in the red then it’s game over. Cross-reference information, learn correct passport information — and there’s lots of it — and make moral decisions on the border of Glorious Arstotzka.

History

Papers, Please was developed indie style by Lucas Pope. A former developer for Naughty Dog, he left the company during Uncharted’s development to strike out on his own. Papers, Please was intended to be made in six months but it took three more for Pope to make it to his liking. It was inspired in part by his experience living in Japan as a US citizen, describing the experience of dealing with immigration as ‘tense’.

Papers, Please was released on August 8th, 2013. It’s competition was Spelunky (PC), Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons (X Box Live Indie Arcade), and Gone Home (PC, Mac, and Linux)

Experiences

When I started this blog I did so with the principle that I should finish every game before I discuss it.

I beat Bubsy for you people.

I kind of put some cracks in that principle when I tried to beat Speed Racer: In My Most Dangerous Adventures — and almost did if the last race wasn’t nearly impossible– failed, but reviewed it anyway. But this is the game that truly broke me of the notion. Papers, Please is the best game I’ve never completed. The stress and monotony made the game too unpleasant to continue. I made it to day 18, 3 hours in before the game became too complex for me to play without screwing up routinely. As an anxious individual it wreaked havoc on my nerves. As a mild completionist it is the one game that exists in a sort of equilibrium of too painful to finish but also too shameful a failure to forget.

Gameplay

Papers, Please sells itself as a Dystopian Document Thriller and it delivers. Each level consists of a work day in which the player only has a limited amount of time to examine and authenticate as many immigrants’ paperwork as possible. This authentication process includes checking their passport, its city of distribution, the sex of the immigrant, name, what country their from, if they have a work pass, if the work pass has the proper seal… it’s incredibly stressful madness. Every day you have to spend the money you earn on keeping your apartment warm and feeding your family, consisting of you wife, son, mother in law, and uncle. If they’re not kept fed and watered then they’ll die — but hey, that’s fewer mouths to feed if you want to look at it like a cynical monster.

Seriously, memorize these pages they will be on the test

Naturally, not everyone’s papers are in order. These people will have to be turned away or detained — if they get too lippy. It may sound boring, because it sort of is, until the Arstoztkan immigration board keeps changing the rules. Every day they will add a new rule and they just don’t stop. Once you’ve got ahold of that then the moral decisions will start. Occasionally your moral compass will be tested and doing what’s wrong or right might break the rules… which will cost you money… which you need to keep your family alive… so have fun.

Sorry Jorji, looks like your counterfeiter screwed you on this one.

The Gush

The moral situations can be mind-wracking, soul-wrenching, haunting affairs. My personal favorite experience was when it was the Inspector’s son’s birthday and I could spend five credits on buying him a tiny box of crayons. I nearly tore my hair out thinking about it because those were five credits I might not be able to afford to spend. Those might be the five credits I need to keep the house warm or put food on the table. Looking back it taught me that it’s a choice that no parent should ever have to face.

If that example was any indication, this game is filled with anguish — is anguish something I can praise? Art is meant to evoke emotion and Papers, Please certainly evoked a lot of emotions from me. If it wasn’t fear, it was panic. If it wasn’t panic, it was sheer torment. Save for the rare gleam of hope and happiness — I mean, I did buy the kid his crayons in the end and we managed not to starve.

The art style is really simple… I think drab is the better word. It serves the game fantastically, creating a sea of essentially nameless faces — I know they have names but I cannot remember a single one. I do remember the experiences and situations but I felt like I was dealing with the most generic of people.

Just another face and a pile of paperwork.

There is basically one song in the entire game and it only plays on the title screen. It is a marvelously stiff Arstotzkan anthem. The first trundling notes especially set the tone so well.

The Kvetch

This game is hard. It’s incredibly hard. I struggled from the very beginning to keep my head above water. The game includes an option to give the player a crutch bonus of 40 dollars daily and that might be the only way I can see it to the end. I know I’m depriving myself of the experience so I urge anyone to not use it unless absolutely necessary.

It’s not my complaint but I would be remiss if I didn’t warn that this game is not fun. It’s great, it’s fantastic, I love it and I wish it well with every fiber of my being but it was not something I would call enjoyable. It’s a trial, a testament, an experience — a great one, even — but it was not pleasant in the least. It’s not an average game played for laughs or for joy so don’t expect to find it in such dismal proceedings.

The Verdict

I cannot recommend Papers, Please enough for someone looking for something completely unique, brutally difficult, and frighteningly mundane. I’ll warn the anxious and the nervous that this game might set you off. It is something entirely unto itself and for the low low price of $9.99 it can be an addition to your Steam library. Seriously, check it out, even though it’s not fun it’s still amazing!

Speaking of mindless fun.

Next Week: Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel.

Worms 2 (PC)

Um, there are worms… with little nub hands… and weapons. They fight each other and the last worm standing is victorious. With a wide arsenal ranging from bazookas, air strikes, dragon punches, and exploding sheep matches are a tactical chess-like battle of wits against the AI or a frenemy. These little pink bastards can dish out some serious carnage and mayhem at your behest.

History

Worms was the brainchild of Andy Davidson. Originally Worms was an entry in the Blitz BASIC programming competition it was picked up by Team 17. The original title was on the Commodore Amiga but was ported to other platforms. Before Worms 2 was released for computers everywhere Davidson created a Director’s Cut for the Amiga which he considers the pinnacle of the series. Worms: Director’s Cut was the final release for the life of the Amiga.

Why am I talking so much about Worms 1? Because there’s not much development information for Worms 2.

Worms 2 was released on February 11th, 1998. It’s competition was Tenchu: Stealth Assassins (PS1), Blasto (PS1), and Xenogears (PS1)

Experiences

Oh man, I used to play this game all the time when I was a kid! I used to make my own maps and make my own weapon layouts. Eventually though, every weapon pack was just everything pumped up as strong as it could be. Biggest explosions, biggest blasts, most absurd stats. Looking back on it, it might be pure carnage but it’s also really boring. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun in its own way. But it’s just not really tactically satisfying. It’s basically a chess game where each side of the board is just filled with rooks.

Gameplay

Worms 2 is a strategy game where each player takes control of a team of worms who must use their weapons and tools in order to reduce their opponents HP to zero, knock them into the water below, or blast them off the map entirely. You do this by using weapons like mortars, homing missiles, sticks of dynamite, exploding sheep, shotguns, whatever’s handy. And you can change positions with ninja ropes, parachutes, and teleporters. If those fail then the game will enter sudden death mode and the water level will rise, spelling certain doom for unfloating earthworms.

Did someone order a giant Concrete Donkey? I’m pretty sure you did.

You can face your friends in multiplayer or the computer in skirmish matches or an incredibly difficult campaign. The PC release originally had internet multiplayer but it was such a byzantine mess I could never get it set up when I was younger. I doubt it’s gotten easier now.

The Gush

It’s easy to get lost in the cartoonish mayhem and carnage and just have some great fun. I still laugh when I hurl a super sheep and it takes to the air with its ‘totally not Superman’ cape.

Some of the intro cinematics are actually pretty entertaining. I would recommend that the slapstick inclined look them up on Youtube.

This game has got a pretty good map editor. It allows the player to set whether it’s a cavern, island, or totally boxed in area without water. The player can disable sudden death mode if they’re not a fan of it. They can even create custom weapons packages and alter the settings for each weapon. You can even make custom teams with custom names and custom voice clips. What I’m getting at is that this game is incredibly customizable and that’s awesome. Mods not required, this game has got everything ya’ll need.

Hot map editing action!

The Kvetch

Holy hell, the AI cheats. They have a way of using the wind hurl projectile weapons right into your worms with unerring accuracy. I routinely have to set them to lower settings because they’re just that tough. Unfortunately that’s not a possibility in the campaign and I just don’t care to git gud.

The gameplay gets a little dry after awhile. There are only so many ways something can get blown up. If you’re not playing with friends then this title might not last.

If you were one of those people always playing the 2-d tank battle games with all the weapons and you’re not burned out. This title might scratch the itch.

The Verdict

This game is like drinking a glass of warm milk on a humid and hot afternoon. A glass of warm milk before bed is great! A hot afternoon can be comfortable under the right conditions. Humidity always sucks. All of this stuff is put together into an experience I no longer enjoy. If you’re able to focus on any of it more than the rest then it can be quite enjoyable but it pales in comparison to modern titles in the series and GOG.com no longer supports its internet multiplayer but it still supports local multiplayer. For the low price of $5.99 it will definitely entertain a ten year old for a few months on the cheap.

Next Week: Papers, Please

Little Inferno (Wii U, PC, iOS, OS X, Linux, and Android)

A terrible blizzard has struck the city of Burnington — I can’t believe that’s the name. People huddle in their homes for warmth. The magnaminous Tomorrow Corporation sees opportunity. They design and dispense the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace! The perfect product to keeps kids occupied and  warm the homestead — While you’re at it, order some fine products from our Little Inferno burnables catalogs! You play as one of the children sitting at their fireplace, burning things, never looking away… just burning all the time.

History

Little Inferno was developed by the Tomorrow Corporation. An indie group composed of Kyle Gabler, Kyle Gray, and Allan Blomquist. They had previously worked on Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure — which actually looks pretty cool — and World of Goo — which is a much better known game that I’m sadly not fond of — and came together to form their own studio.

The development of Little Inferno was inspired by watching the Yule Log Program. You know, the one with the 14 second loop of a burning log in a fire place — yeah that one. They thought, “I wonder if we can start with an underwhelming premise, but then actually make the game really really surprisingly good.”

Little Inferno was released for Wii U and PC on November 18th 2012. It’s competition was ZombiU (WiiU), Thomas Was Alone (PC), and Baldur’s Gate: Enhanced Edition (PC).

Experiences

Little Inferno gets me in an oddly contemplative mood. What begins with mindless pyromania eventually evolves into existential questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I doing this? They begin grounded in the character and the setting but reach out to me soon enough. Why do I find it a suitable pass-time to burn things. The game does it best to keep things happy and upbeat until chapter 4 so I’m not sure if my reaction is intended or not.

Gameplay

Little Inferno is a… Simulation(?) game in which the player has catalogs of things to purchase and subsequently burn. Burning objects produces more coins than they cost and as such the player can purchase more expensive products from the catalog. While objects burn, the player can order more items and wait for them to be mailed.

Heart of darkness? Count me in!

Each item has its own attributes, abilities,  and delivery time. Deliveries can be expedited with stamps which can be acquired from burning things or performing combos. Combos are achieved by burning certain objects at the same time and are hinted at in the combo menu.

Occasionally the player will receive a letter from their next door neighbor; Sugar Plumps, The CEO of Tomorrow Corp; Miss Nancy, the mail man, or the weather man — reporting from the weather balloon, over the smokestacks, over the city, of course. These letters can be subsequently burned and serve to push forward the plot.

The Gush

What can I say, it’s a pleasure to burn. There is something satisfying about tending a campfire and that definitely translates to the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace. Sometimes I ignore the types of objects and just throw as many highly flammable things in at once.

Such a mighty blaze… I cannot help but watch.

Between the character dialogue, item descriptions, item animations, and item effects, this game is hilarious. Wooden spoons doing ballet, coffee cups shaking in caffeine frenzies, Sugar Plumps. I love it all.

Just… the word choice in this game is golden.

This game has an epilogue. It is a thing. It’s weird. I love it. It is major spoilers though so this is all I can say about it.

The Kvetch

I understand how the wait times insentivize spending stamps wisely but I think it would be cool if there was some sort of free-play or creative mode. Waiting 5 minutes for my tiny sun to ship is fun the first time — with the Christmas present-esque anticipation and all — but it loses its luster quickly.

The Verdict

I wuv this game to little burning bits — I’d go as far as to put the ashes on my mantle. It’s a little, short lived, compact experience that burns the candle at both ends. I’d say it’s worth the ten dollar price tag it has in most stores so if you like what you heard then check it out. And as the Kurgan says…

Next Week: Worms 2

Zoe’s (MMO)RPG Corner: World of Warcraft

Hi guys! After my unexpected hiatus, I am back to bitch about bad armor! And what a better place to start than here?

World of Warcraft is a pay-to-play third person fantasy MMORPG and is probably the most popular in a long line of Warcraft games about like, orcs and shit. And everyone has really strong feelings about this game so prepare to be deeply offended by me, I assume.

History and Development

World of Warcraft (WoW) is the really large and sceam-y baby of Blizzard Entertainment, which has also contributed basically every designer for every other MMO featured by me on this blog. It honestly seems like kind of a shit place to work because everyone leaves angry.

Blizzard created the first three games of the Warcraft series, all of which were real-time strategy (RTS) games. Basically there was a lot of plot in those games which I don’t 100% feel like going into but here are the basics as I managed to understand them:

• Orcs and Humans hate each other.
• If you’re an elf, you’re probably sort of an asshole.
• Honestly, they should all go to a non-governmental model because basically every monarch becomes evil or goes crazy or something.
• For some reason, trolls are Jamaican and I bet there’s some weird racism going on there.
• Serious damsel in distress syndrome despite having a “matriarchal race” that isn’t “evil”.

There, now we’re all caught up enough to move on to the rest of this review. Blizzard announced World of Warcraft in 2001 and it came out in 2004. Despite being heralded still as the be-all-end-all archetype for every MMO ever, it kind of was just a game (and also not the first MMO, so everyone calm down about that). The world was designed to be open so players could sort of wander off wherever they wanted to go instead of being stuck in a linear progression.

I never played WoW until last spring. I picked it up because here I am writing a blog about MMO’s and I’d never played what is admittedly the best selling MMORPG in the world. According to Wikipedia, WoW has 7.1 MILLION subscribers as of May of 2015, which is a massive number. Me not playing it was kind of becoming a problem, no matter how cool I looked when I said that I played Warcraft III instead.

So I picked it up. I mean, character creation, vaguely interesting designs, tons of options? Kind of seemed like something I would actually enjoy. And to be perfectly frank, I’d been looking for a reason to try it out. I mean, it’s the kind of game that people are going to judge you for playing AND for not playing so like, it’s hard to decide if you want to start playing just based on poling.

Character Creation

Let’s talk about sexual dimorphism!

This is a biological term that refers to males and females of the same species that look vastly different. IN  real life nature, there are a few of these, though often it’s based purely on coloration rather than body type. In humans and most members of the animal kingdom, this is completely untrue. Human bodies have some sex based differences, but not that much. And I don’t mean sexual organs here. I mean major physical traits like shoulder width.

You know who does have sexual dimorphism? Most of the races in World of Warcraft!

One of these is a troll. The other is a blue human lady with tusks.

I don’t really need to wax poetic about how messed up this is because other people have done it for me, but I do want to just point it out because it makes me super mad.

Moving swiftly forward, the character creator itself isn’t too bad. Races are faction locked and some classes are race locked (and honestly there are a lot of both so I don’t feel like listing all of them) but it’s not too bad. You get enough character slots that you can really kind of go for it in terms of playing different things. I like that.

The creator itself is basic, but that’s not a problem either. I play so many games that are like “Do you want to adjust the size of this character’s nose bridge?” and honestly I really don’t. I don’t really care about a lot of that, unless there are gonna be a ton of cutscenes. Even then, it’s kind of whatever.

But I did get to make myself a blue-skinned ginger troll lady and that was kind of bitchin’, I will not lie to you. Except I still really wish she got more tusks.

Story

I dunno.

If I had a dollar for every time I wrote “I don’t know what the story of this MMO is”, I would be filthy rich.

Now, it’s important to note I refused to pay for WoW and so played it only in the “free until level 20” way. But if one damn person says, “Well the game doesn’t really start until X level,” I will destroy you. If a game doesn’t start until you’re that far into it, or it doesn’t start until max level, or anything like that, it’s a badly designed game. Sticking to my guns on that one.

Here’s what I got for the story:

1. The Alliance and the Horde hate each other for reasons.

Yup. That’s it. There is no 2. That’s really the entire plot line by level 20. If this game starts at level 50, well…too bad.

Sidenote: Wikipedia tells me that the story of WoW is apparently about a disappearing king and some disguised dragon lady, but I have seen none of that. It looks convoluted anyway.

Gameplay

Point. Click. Murder.

Combat is basic. It’s actually hard to talk about the mechanics of this game seeing as it’s kind of the mechanics of A LOT OF GAMES. Here I am actually going to give WoW props for coming up with a lot of things that I look at in other games and go, “It’s stock.” WoW is certainly the Lord of the Rings of MMOs so I’m not going to be pissy bout the controls being boring.

That being said, the controls are boring.

Pretty much the best part of this game for me was being a druid and getting to turn into a cat. I’m pretty sure I was that more than I was anything even vaguely humanoid. That’s a solid mechanic.

I call it “Fluffy”.

The Good

WoW is a solid, basic MMO. It runs on most computers, unless you have something chiseled out of rock (this is huge; my computer is a hunk of overheating junk). They do what they do well, and you gotta give them props on that.

There’s a really solid amount of customization. I like having a lot of classes and races so it’s fun for me to try out new things, and boy oh boy does WoW have that. There’s something for all styles.

Wanna be a giant healing cow? Got you covered. 

The Bad

Now I understand that part of what was going on here was that they were trying to make an open world sandbox-y MMO where you could just go anywhere and do anything, but like, if all a game is is “kill ten wolves” and “get me a shiny stone” and there’s no storyline, I’m not going to be massively invested in it. Not that what they have isn’t good. I do like mindless MMO side quests sometimes, because I get to listen to radio and murder things, but if that’s all it is, I’m not going to be on board.

I just honestly wanted this to have more storyline than it did. If your story starts at max level, I’m not going to hang around for all the hours of grinding to get there.

The Ugly

Tits. On. Skeletons.

Mmm, yeah, lookit them undead boobies.

Also a shitty community, let’s be real. I muted them all on day one and was perfectly happy afterwards, but that sort of saddened me a little. I don’t wanna hide from other gamers.

From here…?

I can’t recommend this game. But I can’t recommend against this game. I’ll be keeping it on my computer (unlike Tera, which I deleted the day my review for it came out). I might even update it and play it sometimes. It’s fun. It’s just not interesting.

I think what I’d tell people to do would be to download the free trial and give it a shot. It deserves a shot at least. It’s not a bad game and I can see why so many people like it. Give it a try. Don’t let people decide for you.

Next Month: DC Universe Online. We’re gonna talk about SUPERHEROES! I LOVE SUPERHEROES!

Battletoads (NES, Amiga, Amiga CD32, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega Megadrive)

Somewhere in space a crack group of cosmic commandos, the Battletoads, are escorting Princess Angelica back to her home planet with Doctor T.Bird piloting their ship, The Vulture. One of the toads, Pimple, takes the princess on a little joyride in his flying car… for some reason. At this point The Dark Queen’s ship, The Gargantua, tractor beams the little car into her ship and whisks them away to Ragnarok’s Planet — I’m gonna assume it’s as tough and awesome as it sounds. When Dr. Bird realizes what’s happened he dispatches the remaining toads, Rash and Zitz, to the planet to execute a daring rescue.

History

Battletoads was developed by Rare and published by Tradewest. The basic idea was to do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the way Rare wants to — oh yeah and sell a helluva lotta merchandise. The game started out as a stock beat ’em up but Rare designers found that to be too generic and as such added more varied mechanics and level types.

Fun Fact: Before they settled on Battletoads, Amphibianz was seriously considered as the title of the game — I’m glad the unnecessary Z made it into Zitz’ name.

Battletoads was released in June of 1991. It’s competition was Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis), Super Mario World (SNES), and Final Fantasy IV (SNES)

Experiences

I can’t begin to express what I find so humorous about the Battletoads Game Store prank. I can’t even explain how it’s a prank. It simply entails someone calling up a Gamestop and ask if they have a copy of Battletoads for purchase — I’ve also heard of a variant for calling up a store and asking for a pre-order for Battletoads II. I just think the concept of calling up a modern game shop and requesting a copy of Battletoads is simply absurd and therefore funny. Something makes it even funnier when you know the employee taking the call — but the clerk my local 3-D Games store would know nothing about that.

Gameplay

For such an old title Battletoads is a shockingly diverse game. At first glance it may seem like a mere beat ’em up but like a magnolia of pain it blossoms into something so much greater and devastating. It’s almost in a league of its own, Battletoads is like Battletoads, it defies analogy — if you put a gun to my head and asked, ‘WHAT GAME IS LIKE THIS GAME’ I’d probably wet myself but after I was done crying I would grudgingly shrug out Earthworm Jim?

From beat up ups, to climbing levels, to racing levels, to dodging levels, this game has got nearly anything you can do on two legs and a jet bike. This being said it’s also so fucking-mothering hard that I only made it to level three. I made it to the infamous jet bike level and only because I warped there from level 1! I couldn’t even beat level 2 legit — I couldn’t penetrate the Wookie Hole if you will. Get your patience, save states, skills, or whatever you got ready because this is the game that defined the term Nintendo Hard.

Seriously, the level is called the Wookie Hole.

The Gush

The music in this game is a marvel of chip-tunes. It creates a rough-and-tumble otherworldly atmosphere that makes me thrilled to go smash some alien scum with my muscly toad body — and get annihilated.

This game might be hard as balls but it’s got some codes and warps to help you through. Nearly every even numbered level has a hidden level warp in it so look them up if a stage is giving you trouble. You can also get some extra lives at the beginning of the game or on Continue screens by hold A, B, down, and then pressing start.

For it’s time and even beyond this game looks fantastic. The colors pop, the shapes and images are recognizable — if a little goofy — and it’s easy on the eyes.

You know who else is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean… She’s going to destroy me, isn’t she?

For a game in which dying is a fact of life I never blamed the controls for a single death. I blamed the design and my own lack of skill a lot but I never thought ‘Why didn’t that work?’ or ‘I was totally pressing down!’

The Kvetch

I’m not exactly certain why our dear toads even have six health points. It seems like almost every attack does either one damage, half, or all of it. I was legit shocked when the pterodactyls from the first level killed me in one hit. With a life lost I crushed the thing and pressed on to be taunted by some healing flies which were now useless.

I’ve got to say, considering you’ll see the game over screen a lot, they’re all pretty funny.

The game has a devilishly good difficulty curve with each level ramping up difficulty until a crescendo if incredibly difficult tasks. This creates a problem however when I die late in a level and have to start the whole thing over again. Playing through the sort of ‘training’ parts repeatedly are really boring, mainly because…

… this game relies a lot on rote memorization. Things will ambush you, the speeder bike levels eventually turn into ‘do you remember the pattern?’, and there’s no recourse but to die and try to remember it for next time. It’s about as fun as a game of Simon and just as rewarding.

The Verdict

I’ve got to say that in my estimation this game is tooooooo hard for me. Call me a filthy casual who needs to git gud if you must but I’m just not a huge fan. If you want to own a copy of hard videogame history then Battletoads is actually a shockingly painless purchase. It’s on Amazon new for a mere 31 dollars, which might be pricey for an NES game but considering the insane collectible value of games I’ve been reviewing lately it seems like a breath of fresh air. If the concept of playing or beating a game that made me turn back — and I’m a guy who beat Bubsy — then give it a whirl!

Next Week: Little Inferno

Nuclear Throne (PC, Mac, Linux, PS4, PS Vita, and XBox One)

Round the campfire the mutants and monsters eat, drink, sing, and prepare. All of them wondering how they became what they are, what to do next, and if they’re dreams and nightmares of the Nuclear Throne are real. The path may be clear but the course is dangerous. If they wish they could fight they’re way through the bandits, monsters, awakened constructs, and the Inter-Dimensional Police Department (I.D.P.D. for short) with their trusty revolver and any other weapon they can scavenge to reach the Nuclear Throne.

History

Nuclear Throne was created by Vlambeer, a Dutch independent game studio, and designed by Jan Willem Nijman and Rami Ismail. Vlambeer advertised and received critiques through streaming services like Twitch on a bi-weekly basis during development. It was originally released on Steam’s Early Access service releasing updates on a regular basis until they created a product they were satisfied with.

Nuclear Throne entered Steam’s Early Access in October of 2013 and was released on December 5th, 2015. It’s competition was Fallout 4 (PC, XBox One, and PS4), Star Wars Battlefront (PC, PS4, and XBox One), and Mordheim: City of the Damned.

Experiences

In a stroke of absolute brilliance when you select a random character, die, and restart the game you’ll restart as a random character again. As such, I generally tend to play this way, experiencing something totally new every run, for about 40 minutes. The weirdest part is that it feels like I’ve been playing for a giant, knock out, slobber-knocker of a session but an episode of Gotham hasn’t even passed by the time I’m ready to move onto something else. In short, this game packs a seriously fun and frantic punch.

Look at this motley crew. Gotta play them all, at least I do.

Gameplay

Nuclear Throne is a 2-D, isometric, top-down, shooter, Roguelike. You play as one of a myriad selection of mutants who each have a special passive and active ability — Fish for instance collects more ammunition from pickups and can execute a sweet dodge roll.

Each level contains chests filled with ammo or new weapons to outfit the character — or leave behind if they’re garbage. Oh yeah and enemies, levels contain enemies. Once you defeat them all — whether you’ve opened all the chests and gotten all the goodies or not — a portal will open up nearby and pull you in to take you to the next level. In short, you spend a lot of time trying not to die and killing enemies — and usually failing.

The player can also pick up little uranium rod looking things. Once a character gets enough they level up and can acquire a mutation. You pick it between levels but only get to choose one of four out of a pool of 29 total possible mutations. So it’s important to try to pick mutations that mesh with the character’s abilities — or at least pick the best of the worst… I’m looking at you Hammerhead.

Also, the Robot character updates instead of mutating which I find amusing.

The Gush

I’m amazed at how much flavor Vlambeer instilled in each character with their visual design, some mumbling gurgles, and dialogue in between stages. From Fish’s ‘gills on my neck’ quote to Eyes’ frenzied mumbles — he’s covered in eyes, not mouths — I created an idea of what they’re like on the battlefield or around the campfire. My personal favorite is the local gun god Young Venuz, a floating Illuminati eye who converses in beatbox noises and makes it rain around the campground.

I mean, who am I to disagree with the game.

Nuclear Throne does a great job of being intuitively designed and yet guiding the player into deeper mechanics of the game. From teaching the player about super chests with the loading screen tips or teaching the player how to activate the Nuclear Crown portals with its visual design.

The difficulty curve of this game is nearly perfect. Even as enemies and bosses get tougher I learn enough in the interim to be consistently challenged but never left in the dark.

Holy shit, this soundtrack. From rollicking adventurous feelings of the opening theme and wasteland theme to the eerie ‘I shouldn’t be here’ feelings of the Frozen City it’s all made with purpose and intent. I bought this soundtrack for a reason.

The Kvetch

This game is a Roguelike and as such it’s harder than Crystal’s Rhyno Skin hide. Not to say that I don’t like it, just to say that it might be a turn-off.

The game has a difficult time clarifying where wall borders are and sometimes enemies will effectively hide underneath or behind map terrain because of the games’ perspective. I can’t tell you how much ammunition I’ve wasted shooting walls that I thought the shot would clear.

You see that corpse to the lower right of the cursor, you might not when the pressure’s on.

There’s a screen shake function and I don’t know why. If you want to take a trip to Barfsville then you’re welcome to play with it on.

The Verdict

If any of this remotely interested you then I suggest picking this game up. Its full retail price is 12 dollars and that’s a steal for such a purely joyous game. It’s absolute gun-based chaos and I love it!

Next Week: Battletoads

Monster Rancher 2 (PS1)

More monsters and less plot this week. You play as a faceless monster trainer who wants to be the VERY BEST like no one ever was. With his faithful assistant Colt he or she will put their monster on a strict — or lax — training regimen and face other monsters in tournaments or in the wilds until it’s you vs the Champ.

History

Monster Rancher 2 was made by Tecmo and based on a semi-popular anime cartoon… and that’s basically all I know about it. The show was pretty well received. Its story about a group of adventurers who need to defeat the monster emperor Moo by finding the Phoenix monster who will resurrect all of the monsters Moo has destroyed. That being said, the Monster Rancher Cartoon is only vaguely related to the anime series. The monsters are the same but the plot is absolutely not. Now the world is a Pokemon level of nonsense world where monsters duke it out for human entertainment.

Monster Rancher 2 was released on February 29th, 1999. It’s competition was Final Fantasy VIII (PS1), Silent Hill (PS1), and Pokemon Snap (N64).

Experiences

Zuum concept art

The monster that I remember training the most was a Zuum who’s name has been lost to my memory. The little green bastard was born with a love for fighting — seriously his like from week 1 was fighting. This raptor was tenacious, hit like a truck, but couldn’t take a hit. He was a glass cannon with grit —  he actually had a hidden trait that could allow him to endure a knock out blow with 1 hp. One tourney he got knocked out and suffered an injury, the injury was deemed a serious one but came back in a mere 2 weeks. He was tuckered as hell but one week of rest later he demanded to go to the tourney next week. I sent him back out and he was absolutely joyful to be back in the action, I was terrified he would aggravate his injury again. In the course of the tourney he took revenge on the monster who broke him by knocking him out in return. The whole thing was like a great Pro-Wrestling story-line and totally emergent.

Gameplay

Monster Rancher 2 is a variant of the Life Simulator type game. The game is split between monster acquisition, training, and battling. Acquisition is a simple affair you can “buy” them from the market which sells the regulars and one seasonal monster with average stats. Or you can go to the temple and summon one from a disk by using your real life CDs. Summoned monsters tend to have more erratic stats and genetic combinations. Also in town you can freeze your older monsters and combine them together, sharing stats, and unlocking more advanced techniques they’ve learned.

Once you’ve got your monster you can pet him, love him, call him George and take him to your ranch at which point the training begins. Training consists of feeding it the right foods, giving it useful items, having it perform drills, and letting it rest. You can also, at a significant cost, send it on a month-long wilderness training excursion. You might not want to open up with this option though as the more your monster fails the more likely they’ll get hurt but… it is their only way to learn new techniques.

Monsters will also occasionally make demands of you, decline and you run the risk of disappointing them.

When its stats and loyalty are high enough it’s time to send it to a tournament. There it will face opponents of roughly similar strength in either a round robin or single elimination format. You can give it orders yourself or let it command the fight on its own. During a battle your monster will generate guts which it can use to attack its opponent with techniques that are segmented off by its distance from the enemy. If your monster’s loyalty is too low then it’ll waste the guts and try to get some yuks from the crowd or taunt the enemy, leaving it open to attack. Come out on top and you’ll get some money with a little extra for every opponent you knocked out or an item prize.

The arena designs might be simple but sometimes the camera has sweet action shots.

The Gush

The monster designs are simply cool. Every one of them has a pure form but also has a pallet swap when its combined with another monster which can lead to some impressively awesome or silly looking creatures.

I don’t know what this thing is but it’s absurd and badass all at once.

Every monster is also pretty expressive, especially for late 90s creatures. They all have animations for showing off their happiness, displeasure, apology, and other feelings. Learning your monsters tells is also a great way to earn its loyalty… and it’s fun.

RANDOM EVENT! This game has them. From expeditions to foreign lands or a sale at the store for a rainy month. It’ll pay for you to be vigilant and keep your monster in top form whenever possible. You never know when you’ll be called on for something special or limited.

The Kvetch

This game’s translation and localization really holds it back. You’re gonna need a guide to figure out what item descriptions are supposed to be indicating. I was totally lost in some conversations, especially way back in the day.

Actually, you’ll need a guide for everything in this game. There are a lot of hidden statistics and other mechanics that aren’t really hinted at by the game. From a monsters good/evil rating to their guts production or fat/thinness even monster unlocking mechanics are made secret to the player.

WHAT IS ALL THIS MESS?! WITHERING?! SHARPNESS?!

Oh yeah, you don’t start with the ability to train every monster. You can’t even have these locked monsters as a subtype of another monster. Worse yet, the game never explains this when you summon a monster from a CD it makes it seem like the CD has no relevant data on it. Let me clarify that every disk has a monster on it. If the disk doesn’t function, that’s one thing, but if the game says they can’t give you the monster then try again after you’ve reached a certain rank or won a certain event. But considering they don’t tell you that you’ve unlocked something it’s really a lot of guessing and checking.

The Verdict

I don’t know how you’re gonna get a hold of this one but if you can find a copy at your local pawn shop or flea market then I suggest you get it. It goes on Amazon for 25-180 dollars so unless you have a time machine it’s gonna be hard to come by.

Next Week: The Dark Tower

Azure Dreams (PS1)

Deep in the desert there lies an ancient and mystic tower. It is the only place where fabled monster eggs can be found, though monsters themselves can be found across the world. Monsters can only be raised by the first person they see when they’re hatched. Where there are strange creatures someone will want them. Where there’s a want it can be bought. Where there’s a buyer, there’s a seller. At the foot of the tower a city began to form and grow, Monsbaiya, made up of or supporting those who would brave the tower in search of the precious eggs and other loot.

Your father was one of these monster tamers and egg hunters. He would brave the tower hoping to some day reach its peak. When you turned five he left like any other day but something was different, there was an electricity in the air. The hours passed on, longer than he’d ever explored the tower’s paths. Clouds loomed over Monsbaiya laden with rain and crackling with thunder. With a peal of the storm’s lightning magical rays erupted from the tower’s crown scorching the desert — and scaring the hell out of everyone. No sooner had that ended a great seal overcame the tower’s top and with a great din the rain began. His monster came back but your father never did.

Ten years pass and your 15, of age to enter the tower. Your father’s fortune is all but spent. Monsbaiya, your family, and your life rest on your ability to master the tricks and traps of the tower of monsters. Climb to the tower’s summit like your father before you and see the Azure Dreams above the clouds.

History

I’ll concede, the only reason the introduction is so long is because I’ve got nothing here. Seriously, all I know is that this game was made by Konami. It might have been made by aliens and left on Konami’s doorstep for all I know.

Oh yeah, and there’s a gameboy De-make. It’s alright.

Azure Dreams was released on June 30th, 1998. It’s competition was Banjo-Kazooie (Nintendo 64), Megaman Legends (PS1), and Fallout 2 (PC).

Experiences

I mentioned that this game was made by Konami for the PS1 and anyone who was playing Konami games can see where this is going. For those who don’t, let me explain. Metal Gear Solid is another Konami game for the PS1 and it’s — more well known and better made, I mean — got a villain in it by the name of Psycho Mantis. This creep floats around and claims to be able to control your mind. As a demonstration of his power he reads your thoughts and can tell you what games you love based on the data on your memory card. Imagine if you will, little Renald at his Playstation in the dark late on a Friday night and Mantis hisses, “You like Azure Dreams, don’t you?” It blew my goddam mind and scared the hell out of me.

Gameplay

Azure Dreams is a turn-based, RPG, dungeon crawler, semi-roguelike with town building and dating simulator elements. Most of the gameplay is focused at the tower exploring its mysteries. The rules are simple and yet restricting. Whenever you enter the tower your level gets chopped to level one, but the levels of your monsters remain unchanged. Well, at least you can bring a bunch of monsters and your best sword/wand and shield… except the tower dislikes the greedy. The doors will only open if you have five or fewer items with them — and monsters count as items. And finally the floor of the tower changes every time you enter, so the challenge is never the same.

It should come as no surprise that the tower is filled with monsters. They are innumerable and will destroy you if they can. Have no fear of death though, your father’s spell preserves your life should you fall but you’ll be picked clean before you reach home — your monsters are still safe though.

When you’re not in the tower you can explore the town. Maybe buy some things for your home or start some building projects with a visit to the carpenter’s. You can improve and build many buildings in town beside your own, raising the town’s respect for you and improving the attitudes of potential suitors — but we’ll get to the ladies of Monsbaiya later. These buildings can unlock minigames and add flavor to the world.

You’ll also see this jerk around a lot so get used to seeing him… and humiliating him.

The Gush

There are quite the variety of strange and deadly monsters and they all have interesting abilities. From the Picket’s thievery to the Clown’s DeLevel spell and sinister visage. My favorite though, by far, is the Troll and his tool use. These little guys have got a makeshift society going and have learned to craft finely made weapons. These little bastards are rare but if you can tame one then you’ll be able to equip him with any troll tools you find from clubs to swords to a goddam crossbow.

They’re all great, quite frankly.

The character art for this game is fantastic. Prominent NPCs have character portraits in dialogue with different variations to reflect their attitude or emotional state. There’s nothing like frustrating Ghosh and being able to see the look on his big dumb face.

I adore the music in this game. Every time I enter the tower and hear its familiar tune I’m filled with an adventurous spirit. As I climb higher and higher the music grows more intense and sinister as the danger grows and the tension builds. It’s clear to see how each variation is built on the same theme but warped in some way to suit the feeling its meant to inspire in the player.

Building up the town up is fun and rewarding in a sort of pure way. Most of the projects don’t improve your odds in the tower — if it does then I’m unaware — but I still want to make Monsbaiya better than its ever been. Some of the building’s unlock minigames like bowling or horse racing. Others, like rebuilding your family estate or helping your friend fulfill his dream of performing on stage by building a theater, have purely narrative results. And of course there’s the casino where I always lose my shirt.

Always bet on black my foot.

The Kvetch

There’s a dark side to the town building though. There’s a romance system in this game with a total of seven possible options ranging from the book worm to an exotic dancer. Each one responds positively to different projects — the book worm doesn’t even appear until you build the library for instance. The thing that skeeves me out though is the emotionally manipulative tactics you have to employ to romance them. Seriously, if you don’t trick them into loving you then they get upset because you don’t care enough. They even fight over the sheer privilege of waking you up each morning, trying to elbow each other out of the way until there’s only one remaining. If you fix the swimming pool then you can even see them there bikini clad with brand new character art — as if you say, ‘you done good kid, here’s the swimsuit issue. The real problem comes in the matter of age. The main character is 15, the dancer is 21, but all the others are 17 or younger. One of them is 15, and this game has the gall to ‘treat’ you to a bikini pin-up of this child. Bluuuugh.

The ‘right’ answer is not that she saved you because you’re both humans but because she loves you, of course.

Most interactions are blocked off by binary choice dialogue in which you have to say what the other person wants to hear. A series of 50/50 near guesses until you get the right conclusion. I’m also lead to believe that everyone in Monsbaiya has a short-term memory problem because, for the most part, if you fail one of these dialogue encounters you can start it over the next day and they act like nothing happened.

The early game can be a real grind and even openly hostile to new players. As you pray to RNJesus for some decent monster eggs and other good drops you’ll have to throw in prayers for finding an item to allow you to leave the tower with your loot. This is a guide game. Look up an FAQ because this game won’t explain how monster combat and monster MP management works, how to use a wind crystal to leave the tower, or what certain items even do.

The poor translation really doesn’t help here. But it is hilarious.

Also, fuck rust traps.

The Verdict

I love this game with all my heart but sadly the cheapest I could find it was for $60 off of some used game website and it goes for $220 new on Amazon. It might be good but it’s not worth either of those price tags and it doesn’t look like it’s coming to any virtual console very soon… or ever.

Next Week: Monster Rancher 2