Earthworm Jim 2 (SNES, Sega Genesis, PS1, Sega Saturn, and PC)

If you finished Earthworm Jim  — on normal difficulty or higher, you get something more insulting and hilarious on easy — then you know that Jim blew his date with Princess What’s-Her-Name. After this blow to his ego, but not long after, the brutal mercenary Psycrow kidnaps the princess and plans to marry her in the Lost Vegas System. You see, the final boss of the first game was Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt who was the sister of Princess What’s-Her-Name and in her absence the Princess is the rightful heir. As such, if Psycrow can marry her then he becomes the King of Insectica! With all those riches and soldiers at his disposal he could easily… do… something… incredibly nefarious.

Jim boards his trusty pocket rocket and races across the galaxy to face his rival and save the love of his life. Run, jump, float, shoot, use Jim’s head as a whip, and face against the titans of the universe to reach Lost Vegas in time!

History

Earthworm Jim was developed by Shiny Entertainment and developed by David Perry and Doug TenNapel. You might know them as the guys who made MDK, Sacrifice, and The Matrix: Path of Neo. You might also know Doug TenNapel as an ultra-conservative christian who opposes gay marriage. Which is to say that if that’s an idea that you oppose and if the idea of buying something that will get him money displeases you then perhaps you’d best buy Earthworm Jim 2 used.

Earthworm Jim 2 was released on December 22nd, 1995. Its competition was Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness (PC), Final Fight 3 (SNES), and Megaman X3 (SNES).

Experiences

This game is one that inspires wonder in the player. Every level has something bizarre and new. It’s a cavalcade of the strange and unique from the Boss being a goldfish or the level having a unique mechanic. The only thing that gets recycled is the music, and only in two stages. It can be a little overwhelming actually. It seems like the rules are always changing but mastering each level has its own merit and enjoyment.

One level you’re running around and then you’re a blind salamander floating around an intestinal track. You literally never know what’s next.

Gameplay

Earthworm Jim 2 is a 2-D platfomer shooter — most of the time — with extremely silly elements. You play as Jim the lucky Annelid who slithered into a super suit and pledged himself to justice and Princess What’s-Her-Name’s heart. He punishes evil with his sweet red laser hand-cannon and throwing his own head like a whip — certain enemies are susceptible to certain attacks to try to mix it up in combat.

The things that come between you and victory are as varied as the planets in the cosmos. From blunderbuss wielding squid-billies and giant ants to giant sentient filing cabinets anything and everything can and will stand between Jim and the end of a level. Many of which end in boss fights that further mix up the rules and serve to challenge and baffle.

In what other game would you face a giant unicycle riding pupa?

For as many things as will harm Jim there are just as many things in each stage that will assist him. From health atoms, fire cores, or Jim’s favorite sandwich these things will keep Jim’s health up. Jim’s gun is now equipped to load various kinds of ammunition in addition to standard and super shots. Scattered and hidden in each stage are multi-guns, homing lasers, and the bubble gun!

Fucking Bubble Gun

Quite possibly the most important of them all are the Earth, Worm, and Jim flags which will allow you to warp to that level in the event of a Game Over. Using this warp however deprives Jim of any weapons or health bonuses from previous levels. So… get out there, kick some ass, and try not to die.

The Gush

Jim’s helicopter spin has been replaced with the Snott-chute and the whip grab has been replaced with the Snott-shot. These are named after Jim’s buddy Snott, the amorphous, green, feller who lives in his backpack and got Jim the suit in the first place. These moves are both more elegant — read forgiving, they make Jim look elegant — and much easier to perform. Gone are the days of frantically smashing the B button to decrease Jim’s descent speed — if it worked.

New weapons! And the ability to swap between them. Jim is no longer limited to his normal shots and powershots, nor is he locked into powershots if they’re available. The player can now cycle through ammo types one at a time until they find the right tool for the job. It can be a little hectic in the midst of battle trying to get the right weapon ready.

I mean, you might accidentally select the Bubble Gun.

Although I’m not confident in saying that it’s better than the original’s the music in this game is quite good. It’ll keep the player humming familiar tunes for weeks after they’ve put the game down. And if they pick it up again the tunes will rush back.

The Kvetch

This game is looong. Actually, it’s not that the game is long necessarily, it’s more that each level is just a little too long. They all outstay their welcome, in my estimation. I actually got lost in some stages and was more than a little frustrated.

This game is haaard. It’s not as difficult as the first — which I’m thankful for — but it’s still a game I have gotten so close to finishing and yet have not. Three lives, one continue, and the passwords that you have to unlock in each stage are just not quite enough to make it. I’d have to say that it’s almost the variety of the game that works against it. Every level is unique and as such the player has to learn new skills with every stage.

You’d best hone your old lady dodging skills and then immediately forget them because this crap never comes back.

I’m just gonna say it, there’s a stage where Jim has to bounce adorable puppies through the air into a dog-house. That probably sounds great but the problem comes into play when Jim fails — and by extension, the player. When a puppy hits the pavement he explodes into a shower of yellow juice and makes an absolutely soul-crushing, vomit-inducing, disgusting noise. It’s almost downright disturbing and it’s a stage that gets reused 4 times, as it’s the Andy Asteroids replacement.

The Verdict

If you’re the sort of person who loved Ren and Stimpy but missed this game then I suggest picking it up. It goes for $20 on Steam as part of the Earthworm Jim bundle that includes the first game and Earthworm Jim 3-D. Alternatively, it’s possible to acquire a cartridge or disc for classic systems on Amazon and other sites for around $24.

Next Week: Azure Dreams

Don’t Starve (iOS, Linux, PC, Mac, PS3, PS4, PS Vita, Wii U, XBox One, and that ramshackle contraption you made out of your microwave and root vegetables.)

Wilson is your average every day gentleman scientist with great aspirations in his steampunk era. One day, after several unsuccessful experiments his gramophone begins speaking to him — a not too uncommon experience apparently. It teaches Wilson how to make a bizarre machine and start doing some real science! Hesitant to activate it, but coerced by the forceful voice, Wilson turns on the bizarre device. A portal opens to a strange world and living shadows erupt, dragging him in. Thrust into this new place, similar to our own, he must find the man behind the voice and figure out how to get back home. But first things first, Don’t Starve.

History

Don’t Starve was developed and published by Klei Entertainment. You might know them as the creators of Shank, Shank 2, and Mark of the Ninja. Don’t Starve started as a 48 hour game jam in 2010 but development didn’t hit full swing until after the release of Mark of the Ninja in 2012. Capitalizing on the success of games like Minecraft, Klei endeavored to take an exploration game in a far darker direction. As such, there is an end-state to the game but no powerful indication of how to find it.

Fun Fact: Despite being adamantly against it Klei compromised the lonely atmosphere somewhat with Don’t Starve Together. Which allows you to get fangoriously devoured alongside your friends!

It Might compromise the principals of the game but IT’S FUN!

Don’t Starve was released on April 23rd, 2013. It’s competition was BattleBlock Theater (XBLA), Monaco: What’s Yours is Mine (PC), and Fez (PC).

Experiences

My experience with Don’t Starve is one of sheer wonder and discovery. Like Wilson himself I’m just experimenting over here and trying to figure things out, wiki be damned. Every time I play — and don’t get ganked by zealous spiders — I discover something new and work my way toward building an item I’ve never used before or finding something new. I like to figure things out on my own but if I’m totally stumped there’s a well maintained wiki to enlighten me. What happens when I eat this mushroom? What does this dapper top-hat do? How does this character’s abilities impact play? What exactly is the win-state and how do I reach it? All these questions can be answered with a click and the willingness to accidentally screw up.

Gameplay

Don’t Starve is a 3rd person, 2.5 dimensional, exploration, resource gathering, and survival based roguelike. Or in human terms, you run around, try not to die, find cool stuff, and if you do die then you gotta start the whole game over — so try not to do that. I wish I could say more but that’s basically it. You control your character with the mouse and make them pick things up, put things down, fight monsters, or craft things. The things you craft make you more efficient at getting more things and fighting more monsters.

And there are many monsters to fight.

The three main stats are Health, Hunger, and Sanity. Running out of Hunger will drain your health. Running out of sanity will make… um… your environment more hostile among other things. And running out of Health makes you die — duh. Monsters drain sanity pretty slowly so the mere act of fighting them can be dangerous, then again there are benefits to going insane — like killing Beardlings and getting that sweet beard hair.

Or the shadow monsters could kill you — it’s a toss up really.

If you’re looking for the win-state then exploration will be key — I mean, you never know what you’ll find out there. The items required can only be found by going out on the road and searching abroad. This means setting up several camps and not overextending yourself. Seasonal changes like Winter and Summer can make these excursions very difficult and it’s unpleasant to get caught away from your main camp in the dead of Winter.

The Gush

The characterization is incredibly strong for such a setting, lack of voice acting, and limited design space. Each character has their appearance, lines of dialogue, a couple of abilities, and an instrument’s music for a voice. And I feel so interested in them and their personal stories — except Wes, that mime can burn for all I care. Everything about them lends to their character and it’s not difficult to see what these characters are like.

Wilson’s well informed and dead-pan style are clearly evident in his speech and voice.

There aren’t many tracks of music but they all stand out and are extremely memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘night is coming’ ditty and the main theme for the game is a piece of thematic perfection. When I think of Don’t Starve that theme starts in my head, when that theme starts in my head I think of Don’t Starve. The game is just the song in game form and the song is the game in musical form.

There are 290+ unique items in this game and most of them can be cooked, smashed, burned, refined, or crafted into something else. The thought of doing all this SCIENCE excites me!

The Kvetch

Call me a filthy casual if you must but I wish there was a way that I didn’t have to start over every time I died. Maybe some sort of training mode or something where it saves each day and they put a diaper on my character or something because I’m such a baby. I want to get further than day 10 but I just keep dying during experiments with things like starting a fight with a beefalo or trying to get some frog meat from the FOUS-es (Frogs of unusual size). I could try to make all sorts of nifty weapons and armors but I just wanna fight a pig-man or something. TLDR: GAME IS HARD WAAAAAH!

This is Willow. Whenever I get salty I play her and burn everything in sight.

Holy bad spawns gentle-fops. It’s totally possible to start in a location with no access to gold, without which it’s impossible to build a basic science machine and therefore build anything else in the game. I’ve traveled for two days before I was able to find one, picking up carrots and berries as I went to sustain myself. That’s two days fewer I had to prepare for a wolf attack or something similarly miserable.

Also, look out for the Krampus.

The Verdict

Minecraft not scratching the itch anymore? Want something a little more grim? Something more sinister that will truly put your planning, explorationg, and fortunes to the test? Then make a $15 shaped hole in your life and fill it with Don’t Starve! And if you can dupe — I mean convince — some poor sap — I mean good friend — you can get in on Don’t Starve Together for another $15$. Both being prices that I find to be equitable.

Next Week: Earthworm Jim 2

Bioshock Infinite (PC, Mac, Linux, PS3, XBox 360)

The year is 1912, one year after Andrew Ryan was born. You play as Booker DeWitt a particularly hard-boiled former Pinkerton agent and current private investigator with a past that weighs on his conscience and his wallet. He’s got a job that’s taking him all the way to Columbia, a city above the clouds. His task is simple, find a particular girl and bring her unharmed back to New York City, but if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. Welcome to Columbia! A city of wonders, industrial and scientific, built on the backs of poor unfortunate souls. Bring them the girl and wipe away the debt.

History

Bioshock Infinite was created by 2K games and directed by Ken Levine.  It runs on a heavily modified Unreal Engine 3 with everything built from scratch, nothing was recycled from previous Bioshock Titles. The player-character, DeWitt, was given a voice and is the only Bioshock protagonist to have one. This was implemented so that DeWitt and Elizabeth — the girl what will wipe away his debt — could have a more emotional bond (Drawing inspiration from the awkwardness in Half Life 2’s player character silence when dealing with his companion characters).

Not all was well in the land of the 2K however. Before release several members of Levine’s studio, Irrational Games,  were relieved and their positions were filled by others. In addition many vigors, enemies, weapons, and other assets had to be cut to meet the deadline. On a brighter note however Infinite did not use DRM systems that interfered with the game experience.

Bioshock Infinite was released on March 26, 2013. It’s competition was Starcraft II: Heart of the Swarm (PC), Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon (3DS), and Tomb Raider (PC, PS3, XBox 360).

Experiences

Elizabeth is a marvelously well rounded character. She becomes the focal point of the entire game. I persevered and kept going to see what would become of her and what she was thinking, DeWitt only seemed accessory in comparison. The guy who had to tote the gun, because we needed someone’s innocence to be lost and it wasn’t gonna be DeWitt’s. DeWitt’s also not very witty, he constantly needs Elizabeth to pick locks, find supplies, help him out, and explain science to him. Elizabeth is an escort character who pulls her weight and keeps me constantly interested in her plights, emotional situation, and combat aptitude.

Holy hell! A non-combat AI companion who’s helpful and interesting?! Lightning has struck twice.

Gameplay

Despite being in a different setting the gameplay is shockingly similar to the adventures through Rapture. Bioshock Infinite is a first person shooter where Booker shoots the people and goes to the places where the plot continues. There are some minor differences however. DeWitt has a health, EVE — I mean salts, and a shield meter. When his shield gets broken he’ll begin taking actual health damage but has an incredibly large health pool — those Pinkertons are tough, I suppose… tougher than a Big Daddy even.  Booker also hijacks a Skyhook pretty quickly which allows him to ride Columbia’s rail-car system and traverse great distances very quickly. Things grow more complex when Elizabeth gets introduced into the equation. The mysterious girl has the ability to reveal and open tears into alternate realities. This allows her to provide cover, allies, weapons, money, and all sorts of resources to keep Booker in the fight.

The Gush

Elizabeth has a jailer and a guardian known only as Songbird. The tenacious machine-man hybrid will do whatever it takes to keep Elizabeth safe… mostly from you and mostly by destroying things. But there is a scene where DeWitt gets to fight alongside Songbird and it’s the first time the player ends up in the Little Sister position in the Big Daddy/ Little Sister relationship.

Just some size comparison there. Songbird is huge, dangerous, frightening, and astonishingly sweet.

I absolutely adore the Lutece twins. These guys bring DeWitt to Columbia and guide him throughout the story, teleporting wherever they’re needed. Their antics always serve as an entertaining and informative experience, one that explains aspects of the game, complex scientific subjects, and the world of the story.

I’m curious what bet he lost to have to wear that sign.

The Kvetch

Vigors are dumb. They’re in the game simply because plasmids were in the other two. The plasmids were an integral part of Rapture’s setting that represented corruption, greed, and addiction in a sleek gene altering package. They show off how Ryan’s lack of fetters may have doomed the city he built. Vigors do… cool attacks on the bad men. There’s no allusion to Vigor abuse or even an explanation for their invention besides Columbia found a tear to Rapture and took that shit. They serve as a vestigial limb that takes me out of the immersion. Speaking of immersion…

Why is Booker limited to carrying only two weapons and two vigors at once? I understand why he can’t carry the mini-gatling gun all willy-nilly but Jack and Delta were able to carry around a small arsenal. That might not be realistic but when we have shields, alternate realities, the power to endure death, and a flying city I’m willing to suspend some disbelief for DeWitt having a backpack or something. Speaking of that flying city…

It looks so beautiful… but where’s all the ice, pain, and death?

Rapture was beautiful in large part to its visual design and small part to its plausibility. Someone as rich or crazy as Andrew Ryan or Bruce Wayne would be able to construct it. Columbia on the other hand would be able to fly thanks to the Lutece particle technology but the air would be too thin and cold to support a population. It just doesn’t work. And speaking of that population…

Columbia is a flying city, why does it have a gigantic standing army? Who’s going to invade them, aliens? I know there’s a resistance movement made up of pissed off members of the underprivileged black and irish population –among others– but it never seemed like there was ever open warfare between them. And to bring things full circle where are the Vigor wielding guards? There are the fire guys and the crow guys but the first vigor DeWitt gets mind controls people and then makes them kill themselves. Why isn’t anyone using that on me? This thing was available to the public as a sort of DATE RAPE SUBSTANCE but certainly has no military application, I guess. Certainly not the way that I used it to make soldiers kill their friends and then themselves.

The Verdict

Bioshock Infinite is a marvelous game that occurs before, during, and after every Bioshock game there is, was, or will be. This means you can play it at any point in the series. It goes on Steam with a $30 price tag almost three years after its release with another $20 stacked on top of that if you want to get all the DLC which I have heard good things about but have not played. I would definitely pick it up on sale or at least pick up the main title at full price if this really got your attention although I feel the original Bioshock is the most powerful title in the series.

Next Week: Don’t Starve

Bioshock 2 (PC, Mac, PS3, XBox 360)

This review assumes that you’ve read my previous review for Bioshock. So check it out unless you’re comfortable with your knowledge on the subject.

In the end of Bioshock the hero of that tale left Rapture, alone, with a some Little Sisters, or a legion of splicers — the stories differ. But Rapture was still down there, still biding its time, still going crazier and crazier. Before Rapture’s fall Andrew Ryan hired a psychologist, Sofia Lamb, to stem Rapture’s growing instability. In the absence of Ryan, Atlas, and Fontaine she sidled into power as no one but her could read and control the minds of the splicers. What are her plans? No one is quite sure but it requires the accumulation of large sums of ADAM, something made complicated with the disappearance — or rescue– and age of the first batch of Little Sisters. Older Little Sister’s can’t scavenge the powerful stuff from corpses any more and there are no more little girls in Rapture. So off the Big Sisters go to Iceland and Europe to steal children to become new Little Sisters to continue her experiments.

You play as Subject Delta, a ghost from Lamb’s past, sworn to protect her daughter Eleanor as her Big Daddy. Grown up as Eleanor may be, Delta must find her or he’ll die as part of his Daddy conditioning. Brought back from the dead by Eleanor and with drill at the ready Rapture’s fate will fall to you as you decide what is just and right by Sofia’s sympathizers and the new batch of Little Sisters. The splicers would do well to steer clear of the only Big Daddy who can think, feel… and wield plasmids.

History

Hot on the heels of Bioshock 1 2K started working on Bioshock 2. Originally subtitled Sea of Dreams, this moniker was dropped. Plot and gameplay details were revealed in a 2009 issue of Game Informer. Alongside this 2K launched a website called ‘There’s Something in the Sea’ explaining the tale of Mark Meltzer who was investigating the disappearance of girls who lived on the shore.

Fun Fact: Original designs only contained one Big Sister who would harass Delta for interacting with Little Sisters and would flee when dropped to low enough health. Lead Designer Zak McClendon said they cut it becase it would be unsatisfying to have a foe that the player couldn’t finish off.

Bioshock 2 was released on February 9th 2010. It’s competition was Stalker: Call of Pripyat (PC), Deadly Premonition (XBox 360 and PS3), and Heavy Rain (PS3)

Experiences

One of my favorite parts of Bioshock was the section in which Jack has to disguise himself as a Big Daddy. He gets a special uniform that reduces the damage he takes and gets to guide Little Sisters around to get them to an escape Bathysphere. It was an incredibly frustrating part of the game as the little ones are very fragile, thankfully it was also very short. But like Road Warrior’s Tanker Chase to Fury Road, this game took that short section that people remember prominently and turned it into a full experience. The focus and design expands the idea into everything I wanted it to be. It made me feel powerful and even a little reckless at times, everything I witnessed in Bioshock’s iconic Bouncer Big Daddy archetype.

I can’t count the number of times I charged a splicer and shouted, “get away from her!”

Gameplay

The gameplay itself has not evolved much since Bioshock 1. The story is one that’s completely original but it all leads to the same end, a wild romp through Rapture filled with a few puzzles, moral decisions, gun-play, and hacking. It’s really difficult to talk about it because there’s not much that’s actually different. It’s got the same plasmids and functional reprints of weapons from the first game.

The big new innovative gameplay elements would be walking on the sea floor — which is pretty cool and fun — and adopting Little Sisters. Delta can either harvest Little Sisters on the spot or adopt them to score more ADAM from nearby corpses. Then, Delta can either rescue the poor girl or harvest them anyway. Either way, after Delta has handled the Little Sisters a Big Sister will arrive to attack him. And get ready for a big damn fight. Big Sisters are lithe, small, fast, and have a variety of attacks and methods designed to wreck Delta’s slow lumbering ass. — Oh yeah and Delta’s Eve is fed intravenously so for those who were totally grossed out by all the needles before there are slightly fewer.

That armor might look ramshackle but ADAM has a lot of long term effects.

The Gush

I hope you’re ready for more moral decisions because Bioshock 2 wants to add another layer to things. Delta will be judged for harvesting or rescuing Little Sisters as well as taking the lives of certain defenseless characters — note that I say defenseless, not innocent. Kill too many and well… let’s just say that it might set a bad example.

The character designs are stellar once again. Lamb, Delta, Big Sisters, Little Sisters, and the Splicers are all visually distinct and interesting. Everytime I look at them I see more and more. A lot of work was put into them, I can shoot the bowler hat off of the big muscly guys and that’s just fun.

The new weapons are fitting replacements for Jack’s arsenal. They’re like Jack’s stuff… but for a Big Daddy. A shotgun, machine gun, utility launcher, and spear gun — as opposed to the crossbow — but bigger and badder. And of course, the incredibly powerful wrench has been replaced by the iconic drill. A weapon that will render your opponents into a meaty pulp so long as the fuel lasts.

Yes, this double barreled shotgun does in fact have three chambers for each barrel.

The character models in this game are much improved from the original. They’re smoother, slicker, and generally better looking. I didn’t even realize it, however, until I saw them side by side.

Brigid Tenenbaum goes from this

to…

Very Different. I much prefer the latter.

The Kvetch

The game still tries to play like a horror game sometimes and it just doesn’t fly. In Bioshock 1 I was Jack, a dude with a wrench in a shirt running around getting blown up, clawed at, or shot at by anything I looked at the wrong way. Jack may have been capable enough to defeat those enemies but he was also vulnerable in such a way that I didn’t feel indestructible in his shoes. When I’m in that Big Daddy suit though nothing else matters. When I’m Delta I don’t care what it is, it had better step off me and/or my Little Sister or I’m gonna take it for a spin on the end of my drill and use its flailing torso to bludgeon more splicers to death.

Most of the plot left me a little baffled. It’s totally possible to miss some journal entries and then not know what the Big Sisters are, where the new Little Sisters came from, and how/why Sofia Lamb is trying to take over Rapture. I guess none of that plot is really necessary for the story of ‘you are Big Daddy, save Little Sister’ but it was the secondary draw for the first game and it’s odd for it to be so buried or borderline incomprehensible here.

The hacking minigame is a thing of the past. No longer will we be able to silently play pipe dreams to hack a turret in the middle of combat. Now we must have a slider bar stop on certain sections in real time during a fight. Those elbow joints will be sorely missed.

I guess this is… mer… really normal and not unique at all.

Yes this game has multiplayer… no I don’t know why. I’ve never played it and I’m entirely uninterested in giving it a shot. I came here for Big Daddy action not capture the flag with douchebags on the internet.

Vending machines no longer obnoxiously bellow ‘Welcome to a Circus of Value!’ or ‘Ammo Bandito!’ and I miss that.

The Verdict

If nothing would please you more than the experience of being a Big Daddy, or a shield bearer, or a bodyguard with a license to kill then I can’t recommend Bioshock 2 enough. That being said I didn’t find it as narratively, philosophically, or politically compelling as the original. Not to say that it’s a bad game, I don’t think that it’s objectively bad but compared to the original it comes up short. It retails for $20 on Steam but I think, six years after the fact, it’s worth more like $15 so I’d recommend getting it on sale.

Next Week: Bioshock Infinite

Dishonored (PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One)

Welcome to the city of Dunwall! Where fascism lurks around every corner, the plague is in season, and conspiracy is omnipresent. You play as local badass and Protector the the Empress Corvo Attano. But none of that really matters as in the first 20 minutes of play you get punked by an assassin who kills the Empress right in front of you. To top it all off the Empress’ daughter, Emily, is kidnapped. In short, you’ve been Dishonored if you will. You must take revenge against the people who performed these vile deeds. By blade, shade, or spell you will eliminate those responsible — and maybe put Emily back on the throne… or whatever, I dunno.

History

Dishonored was developed by Arkane Studios lead by Raphael Colantonio and Harvey Smith and published by Bethesda. It seems like development began with the setting and world as a whole, followed by Corvo’s abilities, and then the levels were designed with Corvo’s capabilities in mind. Colantonio was quoted as saying, “we wanted to give [the player] very strong powers, to make [the player] really a badass, but at the same time we didn’t want the game to be too easy,”.

Fun Fact: The implementation of a morality system’s cause and effect was included after John Houston witnessed a tester infiltrate a masquerade ball. Instead of acquiring clues by listening to the other guests, the tester elected to kill them all and sort it all out later. Needless to say, Houston found this disconcerting and added consequences to actions like this.

Dishonored was released on October 9th, 2012. It’s competition was XCOM: Enemy Unknown (PC, PS3, XBox 360), Hotline Miami (PC), and Assassin’s Creed 3 (PS3, XBox 360).

Experiences

Dishonored is the first game that I completed out of spite. My friends and review publications gave it stellar recomendations so I figured I’d give it a shot. I’ll get to my disappointment later but the point is that I couldn’t review the game in good conscience until I finished it, so I did. Every mission I wanted to put it down but I thought, “It’d be a shitty review if I put the game down… maybe it’ll get better.” It never did. It just got harder and more frustrating. The quick-save key will be your best friend… until you save yourself into a shitty situation.

Gameplay

Dishonored is a first person action game with a heavy emphasis on stealth. You’ll have to sneak your way through the diseased and rotten city to reach the target of the day — or night. Whatever blocks you path you can sneak by, disable, kill, ignore, or outrun in any combination or measure. These guards aren’t dumb though, they’ll recognize when things are amiss. From seeing you to spotting bodies, the more alert they become the more aggressive and thorough their searching techniques become.

I mean, they’re not always completely brilliant.

Corvo has a repertoire of magical activated and passive abilities. From the power to teleport, see through objects, and double jump Corvo’s magical powers will improve his chances of survival and eventually lead him to dominate his enemies — both figuratively and literally. Corvo can improve these abilities by finding Whale Bone Runes and Charms so keep an eye out for them.

One of the main aspects of the city is the Chaos level. Actions that Corvo take can increase or decrease the Chaos level. The greater the chaos grows the more plague rat swarms that will appear to feast on the living and the dead as well as an increase of Weepers — basically plague zombies. If you want to really get your murder on then it might have dire consequences down the line for Corvo and his allies.

The Gush

The setting is gloriously atmospheric. The Whale-Punk aesthetic is something I might actually run a roleplaying game in sometime. It creates a world in which knowledge is great in certain areas and yet totally limited in others. I adore something about the absurdity inherent in a world with single shot pistols and giant lightning walls both being relatively recent discoveries.

Samuel, just Samuel. The only character I could bear to listen to for more than a few minutes. The only character I can think of who sounded like he gave a shit on a consistent basis. Samuel the sailor is Corvo’s main transportation and primary source of information. Samuel gives Corvo a short briefing of every area before they arrive and he’s got a sweet scruffy voice. I was always glad to hear him and have him by my side.

Look at that architecture! And while you’re at it check out Samuel’s grizzled mug.

Actually assassinating people is incredibly fun. There are different ways to approach every target and elements of the stage you can use against them. Unfortunately, if you elect to dispatch of them non-lethally, most of these avenues are locked off to you. So… I guess it pays to be good.

In addition to different ways to dispatch your targets there are a myriad of ways to actually reach them. From sewer tunnels to kicking down the front door, there’s no wrong way to reach your victim. Unless you’re trying to be non-lethal. Then the right way is the incredibly sneaky way where no one sees you and you knock out every guard along the way.

The Rant

Before I get to the Kvetch I’ve got to get mad. I’m mad because Dishonored is a game that lies to me three times in the first 30 minutes. Lying to the player is a dicey proposition that should always be approached with caution but is not necessarily a bad thing. I feel though that Dishonored does it wrong.

The first lie I was told was that Corvo Attano is a badass. He might be a badass when I’m in control but as soon as the cutscene starts I’m surprised he doesn’t choke on his own tongue. In the first scene of the game he manages to fail to protect The Empress of Dunwall, which I must remind you is his JOB as Royal Protector. Not only does he fail but he doesn’t even lay a finger on the person responsible. I know that it sets up the Assassin as a bad motherfucker but I’m certain Corvo’s Badassery and the Assassin’s bad motherfucker status could both have been maintained. What if instead of getting force choked and punked Corvo and that Assassin fight for a bit — maybe plug in a combat tutorial or something, I dunno — then when Corvo’s got this guy on the ropes he pulls out the force choke. Now I know I’m good at this whole Royal Protector thing, but I failed because my opponent straight up cheated. It also makes getting magical powers feel more important.

Lie the second is that leaving corpses makes the plague get worse. Rushing through the tunnels of the prison, a tutorial mentions that leaving corpses does just that and this rampant killing will lead to a darker conclusion. Aight, sounds good, leave no trace and all’s well. One of Corvo’s abilities he can put rune points into is called Shadow Kill and makes it so at the first level enemies who die via stealthy means are turned to ash. And at the second level enemies turn to ash no matter how they’re killed. Sounds great, no bodies, no problems. I had to spend eight points on it but it’s worth it to be able to play the game without as guilty a conscience. Wrong. It’s not leaving the bodies, it’s simply the act of killing the guards. Anyone you kill, whether they turn to ash or not, contribute to the plague’s worsening effects. So that’s a save down the tubes unless I feel like being a prick and continuing the murder cycle.

I was too busy letting the rats eat innocents to consider the ramifications of my actions!

The third is much more intangible and definitely doesn’t constitute deception on the part of the game but I’m getting ahead of myself. When I saw the trailers and heard what people had to say about the game I imagined Corvo as a tragic hero. A prisoner taken from his lofty position to become experimental plaything for magic research and what have you. That the iconic mask was a byproduct of the scarring caused by the experiments, the knife being unkind to our dear Corvo. That’s not the case. Corvo is offered magic for… reasons… well no reason at all really. The Outsider bestows magical powers upon him cause they’re cool, yo. And Corvo’s tinkerer buddy Piero makes Corvo the mask for no real reason. Piero says It’s a sort of sentimental thing that will strike fear into Corvo’s enemies. Alright, I’m down, sounds good, maybe there will be like a Batman thing where I can spook guards to sow dissent in their ranks. I can dig it. I make landing in the first mission, choke out a guard, equip my still beating heart in my left hand, blade in my right. I’ve got my spooky mask on and I teleport up to a passerby in the street and she says…

…

That is the wrong fucking answer. That is a completely illogical and immersion shattering travesty of atmosphere and writing. The mask serves no purpose other than to be something cool to put on the front of the game box or to make the cosplay recognizable. Without the mask Corvo would be a cloaked guy with long black hair or something — I can’t even remember what he looks like. I know I can’t hold Arkane Studios to the standards of a game I created in my head but these narrative elements could have some heft instead of none at all.

I mean, they make good binoculars… what a croc.

The Kvetch

Way at the end of the game Corvo encounters assassins that share in his magical powers. The thing being, they don’t take into account Corvo’s abilities in a scene where they imprison him. Well, I mean, it’s not as if you could tell the guy was magical just by looking at him except OH WAIT! The Outsider’s mark is blatantly on Corvo’s hand as a sign of his magical power. So… these assassins put him in a hole and expect everything to be fine — which leads me to believe they are incredibly stupid… or the designers plum forgot all this shit.

What is the Outsider’s deal? He gives Corvo magical powers to make things, “more interesting,” but has excessive boredom and simultaneously near infinite power. He gives Corvo ‘Great Things are Expected of You’ speech #385 and sends him back into the world with a nifty teleport. Seriously, this is a cool character, give him something to do.

Yeah… but why?

I don’t know what to think about the moral decisions the game has you make. Oh wait, yes I do, I find them very unsatisfying.  Assassination targets offer a lethal or nonlethal approach — kill them or soothe your conscience by knowing that they’re merely out of the way. The issue is that the non-lethal solutions often present a fate worse than death and penalize the player with a killer’s reputation otherwise. For instance, one of the nonlethal solutions was to send the targets shaved, mutilated, and mute into mines they owned to die slowly in the horrible conditions. Ironic but certainly not merciful — can’t I just shove them into a cell until we put Emily back on the throne? And I know we have a cell because it’s where we shove the man who’s killed hundreds in his ethically bankrupt experiments to cure the plague. There’s even a situation where instead of murdering a woman there’s an option to send her off in a boat with an admirer who will, “Make her love him.” And that’s considered the moral high ground, or something. I’m willing to choose the lesser of two evils but why not offer me a third legitimately good option? How about not framing non-lethal tactics as being inherently superior to simple and merciful murder? How about that?

The Verdict

If the aesthetic remotely interested you and you’re a fan of stealth games then you could do worse that picking up this game for $20 on Steam. I bashed it pretty hard but if I were better at stealth heavy games then I might have had more fun with it. That being said, the moral decisions are kind of crap and there are parts of the narrative that seem incredibly forced. If you’re able to ignore all that and just want to teleport around ghosting guards then I know you’ll have a good time but I’ll always see this game as something that’s too flawed for me to truly enjoy.

Next Week: Bioshock

Shovel Knight: Plague of Shadows (For Everything Shovel Knight is for. Seriously, that’s a long list.)

Heads up, this review assumes that you’ve read my previous review about Shovel Knight so click here to check that out.

The Order of No Quarter isn’t exactly as united as we were lead to believe in the events of Shovel Knight. The eccentric alchemist, Plague Knight, has hatched a scheme to create the Ultimate Potion. With it, anything could be his — and I do mean anything. Unfortunately he’s missing nine vital ingredients, which happen to be nothing less than a portion of each of the essences of the other knights in the Order, the Enchantress, and Shovel Knight himself — that’s right, this game takes place during his adventure. With the Ultimate Potion nearly within his grasp you take control of the masked maniac himself, Plague Knight, as he journeys across the land to defeat his so called ‘comrades’. The real question though, is what he means to do with the mighty concoction once it’s made.

History

If you want a fuller story of Yacht Club Games and the creation of Shovel Knight then check out the Shovel Knight Review. That being said, Yacht Club expected to make DLC campaigns but they didn’t know which characters to use… so they asked the fans. There was a giant poll for which members of the Order they wanted to play as and Plague Knight, Spectre Knight, and King Knight were the top three. As such, Plague Knight’s expansion was the first to be released. It and all other additional chunks of content are FREE so if you purchase Shovel Knight expect a ghostly present and a crowned present arriving in your future.

Plague of Shadows was released on September 17th, 2015. It’s competition was Undertale (Mac and PC), Armikrog (PC, Mac, and Linux), and Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, and Xbox One.)

Experiences

Do you remember when I said Shovel Knight was the platformer I was most emotionally invested in? I may have fibbed a bit because it’s Plague of Shadows that really had me following characters and reading really deep into minute pieces of dialogue.  Every little interaction reveals more about what sort of person Plague Knight is, why he joined the Order, and what he means to do with the Ultimate Potion. He’s not just a stock villain. In an Undertale-Esque fashion it’s plain to see how he got caught up in all this and what sort of person he is. And — it makes no sense saying it here but trust me — it’s a delight to watch him dance.

Shovel Knight’s a heroic guy with a lot of regret but Plague Knight is my favorite of the two.

Gameplay

This game plays unshockingly just like Shovel Knight. It’s the same levels and enemies but Plague Knight’s new abilities and play-style make it a unique experience. Unlike Shovel Knight, Plague’s jump is much shorter but he makes up for this with a little double jump and his ability to blast-jump. Plague Knight also differs from his spade wielding foe because he has a ranged attack. This small change makes combat completely different, it turns into a game of keep away where you cascade explosives on your enemies.

Our dear alchemy obsessed friend also has unique secret areas and collectibles. If you see any shining green coins floating around then try to collect them. This bizarre currency is used to unlock more upgrades that Plague can purchase with treasure — alchemy ain’t cheap, y’know. This includes blast effects, bomb fuses, and bomb explosion types — mix and match to destroy your enemies. Speaking of all this, Plague Knight doesn’t actually make all this stuff. His assistant, Mona — she’s the dour woman who lives in the basement by the juice bar — will be doing all this crafting from within Plague Knight’s secret under-village lab.

Ah… the Secret Lab, Plague’s home away from the Explodatorium.

The Gush

I loved all the upgrades. There wasn’t one that I never used. For each component there is a situation for which it is the tool for the job.

Did you ever wonder where Chester got all those relics? Well let’s just say Plague can acquire an arsenal of his own and that he’s got no problem with the barter system. In short, Plague has got a series of very special items at his disposal that have a variety of uses such as mega bombs or a potion that makes HIM deal contact damage to enemies. I recommend finding them all.

Throughout the course of Plague Knight’s adventures he can go anywhere Shovel Knight could go. It’s really interesting to return to these locations and approach them differently. I can tell the designers had a field day thinking of all the ways to get Plague Knight through a Shovel Knight shaped hole…

… both figuratively and literally.

Jumping jackrabbits, Plague Knight is incredibly mobile. Instead of taking attacks to the face like Shovel could you can dodge with all the grace and acrobatics of an explosion. There’s something great about jumping way high up and raining chaos and pain from above. I love how the guy has so much utility and yet lacks a basic melee attack — it really suits his style.

Look at this dapper dude. He’s got style oozing out of his beak.

The Secret Lab is anything but solitary. It’s filled with goons to chat with and blast away — Plague Knight is not a kind boss– Magicist returns from the town above, there’s a goat-man performing mathematical feats, Mona, and a giant oboe creature. It’s really fun to see how they all bounce off each other.

The Final Boss is a real treat in this one. It’s mechanically and thematically satisfying as well as presenting a marvelous challenge.

The Kvetch

I described Plague as being incredibly mobile and sometimes this works against him. It’s incredibly easy to blast-jump into obstacles or into a pit. Between jumping, double jumping, blast jumping, and the Surging Staff’s uppercut it can be a little bewildering to coordinate. It took me a lot of practice to get all this stuff straight and it’s almost required for you to master all this junk to get Plague Knight where he needs to go.

The Verdict

This is a must-have piece of DLC for Shovel Knight and the best part is that IT COMES FREE WITH SHOVEL KNIGHT! That’s 15 dollars for basically two games. To top it all off the game’s got co-op on the WiiU so now you can play with your friends. I cannot recommend it enough and loved it so much I thought I would spontaneously combust.

Next Week: Dishonored

Shovel Knight (PC, 3DS, Wii U, Mac, Linux, PS Vita, PS3, PS4, Xbox One, Amazon Fire TV, and select digging implements everywhere)

 

In a world of knights, kings, ancient magicks, hordes of treasure, and 16 bits there was an inseparable and unbeatable duo of knights, Shovel Knight and Shield Knight. Their adventures took them far and wide to the prestigious and dangerous Tower of Fate. A mysterious amulet wrought a dark spell around Shield Knight. As Shovel Knight came to Shield Knight was gone and the Tower was sealed. With a burden of shame too great for him — and the tower locked in any event — Shovel Knight went into exile. Some time later news reached him that the kingdom was dominated by the brutal Order of No Quarter lead by a bewitching Enchantress. The Tower of Fate has been unsealed and Shovel Knight vowed to figure what happened to his dear friend, no matter how many adversaries crossed his spade.

History

Shovel Knight is the inaugural title of Yacht Club Games, a collection of Way Forward Technologies employees who split from the company to go all in on this game. They started a Kickstarter Campaign to fund the project and it was backed three times over again. It was delayed for almost a year before its final release and it still has unimplimented features. There are three additional campaigns planned, with one released and two more on the way, and a battle mode in the works. All of these additional features will be free when they’re finished, I should note.

Shovel Knight draws a lot of inspiration on games from the past, Megaman especially.

Shovel Knight was planned for release in September 2013 but was actually released on June 26th, 2014. It’s competition was 1001 Spikes ( PC, Xbox 360, Xbox One, PS3, PS4, 3DS, WiiU, Goddam everything), Valiant Hearts: The Great War( PC, Xbox One, XBLA, PSN, PS4), and Oddworld New N’ Tasty (PS4).

Experiences

Shovel Knight is like a lost and hidden gem of an experience. I bought it, beat it,  beat it again, and then bought the soundtrack. This was one of those deep binges. I completed the whole thing in three days, I just couldn’t get enough. I cannot think of another 2-D platformer in which I was more emotionally invested in the story. I wanted so dearly to see what had become of Shield Knight, what united the Order, and what happened in the Tower of Fate.

Gameplay

The Kingdom serves as the overworld map for the game and it’s a akin to Super Mario Bros 3 in many ways. Shovel Knight travels across it to different towns filled with helpful NPCs and upgrades, treasure troves filled with sweet loot, and enemy strongholds filled with baddies and a Knight of the Order –oh yeah, they all contain fun as well.

Complete with ominous clouds to prevent you from seeing further than you’ve unlocked.

Shovel Knight’s control scheme is shockingly simple. He can jump, strike with his shovel, and bounce on enemies — different enemies offer varying levels of bounce. For such a little guy he can dish out and take shocking amounts of punishment — and he’s agile to boot. Don’t be too afraid of dying though. The only thing you lose is treasure and there’s always more of that to be had.

The shovel is both a weapon and a tool in the hands of a capable Shovel Knight. As such he can dig through earth and enemy alike. Secret treasures, relics, and music sheets lay hidden everywhere so keep your eyes peeled and give your shovel a swing at any suspicious piles of dirt of background.

The Gush

SHOVEL KNIGHT IS SHORT! I mean literally, he’s a short character, as in not tall. I can’t rightly say why but I really like that. The last character I remember playing who had difficult time reaching the highest kitchen shelf was Lil’ Mac from Punch Out. That’s some serious under-representation of shorter characters.

The music in this game takes the limitations of 16 bit sound and makes them shine. Jake Kaufman truly outdid himself with this memorable and bouncy soundtrack. It perfectly builds mood and atmosphere along with the beautiful art direction

The difficulty curve here is incredibly smooth and well calibrated. This game will challenge you, it will be tough but there’s never a situation or enemy that is unfair. Everything has a tactic or ability you can use to counter them, you’ve just gotta figure out what they are.

Except for these Green Fan jerks. They’re LITERALLY impossible to figure out.

The story is scarce but it provides a skeleton of sorts. The player-base can brew their theories but there isn’t a lot of definite proof/ are not a lot of outright answers. I mean this all in a good way though. We’ll imagine a story that suits

Each of the relics you can find provide a powerful and interesting new ability for our digging implement related hero. They acentuate his strengths or cover up his weaknesses and in any event they provide a playground of design.

Every so often random minibosses will appear on the overworld. Should you cross their paths then there will be a rumble. Each of these opponents provides a quick but challenging boss fight — and a little treasure to sweeten the deal. Many of these were also created by Kickstarter backers who fronted a lot of money for the project.

The Kvetch

When Shovel Knight gets hit he gets knocked back just a bit. This will lead to many deaths due to pits or spikes. But the thing that frustrates me about it is that Shovel Knight gets knocked back relative to what direction he is looking instead of which direction he was struck from. It’s unexpected to bump right when Shovel Knight gets hit with a projectile that was coming from the same direction simply because he’s walking away from it.

Take damage in a section like this is a near death sentence! Also, sweet flame rod.

Trying not to spoil things but Shield Knight is dangerously close to being a damsel in distress when that’s definitely not in her character. A few small tweaks and I think this game would be a little more woman friendly.

This one is really small but I wish there was a quicker way to access Shovel Knight’s relics. I can scroll through them with A and S but enemies are still moving during that time and it’s extremely stressful. The alternative is pausing and opening the relic menu and selecting what you need. It’s just a little too slow for my tastes.

The Verdict

Shovel Knight retails on Steam for $15 and I would say that pricing is perfect. If you were itching for an old-school platformer or you wanted to understand what your dad’s been railing on about all this time then Shovel Knight is a great place to start. Oh yeah, I did mention something about an expansion pack right? Well…

Next Week: Shovel Knight: Plague of Shadows

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (PC, PS3, XBox 360)

Five years after the crisis in Morrowind spears have been outlawed and a new and powerful Daedra — which is the game’s word for demons — cult is part of a conspiracy to kill the Emperor of Cyrodiil, an act that hasn’t occurred in a long ass time. You play as a prisoner who is in the path of Emperor Uriel Septim’s flight from The Imperial City. Septim declares your presence as fate and tells his bodyguard to bring you along. Despite their best efforts to talk sense into Septim and keep him safe they fail in both regards. He is killed before your eyes and he bestows the Amulet of Kings on you — conveniently forgiving your crimes in this act, apparently. It is your duty to find the last heir to the throne and give him the powerful artifact — or you could go fight mud crabs instead, no rush.

When the legends say that a Septim must sit on the throne the legends ain’t foolin’. The walls between Cyrodil and Oblivion — Basically this game’s version of hell — and this strange cult are opening gates to usher in their Daedric host. Thwart their plans and take back Cyrodiil, brave prisoner-adventurer-guy or gal.

I love this guy, he’s like a magical Grandpa — voiced by Patrick Stewart no less. 

History

Immediately after the release of The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind in 2002, Bethesda began working on the next installment in the series, Oblivion. The Havok Physics Engine allowed them to create a world in which objects could actually move in a semi-realistic fashion. Improvements in graphics technology and hard work by the developers allowed them to create a world approximately 14 square miles large. Sadly the enormous throngs of imperial citizens had to be curtailed to 20 or 30 to a town due to major slow down issues.

The big draw was the new Radiant AI system, home-brewed by Bethesda itself. It allowed them to alter and create semi-random behaviors in the citizens based on certain traits they had. Hungry characters who tended toward crime would steal food. Thieves will spawn outside of towns and try to sneak around to steal valuables. Some civilians will run away instead of fight — and others will, unreasonable, fight to the death because I stole a loaf of bread.

YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER!

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion was released on March 20th, 2006. It’s competition was Kingdom Hearts II (PS2), Metal Gear Acid 2 (PSP), and Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence (PS2)

Experiences

When I think Oblivion I think glitches.  The game was notoriously glitchy on release. Bethesda would eventually do their best to patch things up but there were still problems. The craziest thing I’ve ever heard of follows as such.

My friend, we’ll call him Sparko, turned in a quest and in a scripted event he is attacked by the quest giver — nothing unnatural yet. Sparko retaliated, town guards arrived and joined in the brawl, killing the quest giver. The guards initiated dialogue and expressed sorrow that the dead man lost his mind. At which point the guards began shouting, ‘someone’s been murdered!’ about the man they just helped kill. Strangest of all, the body spontaneously rose as if nothing happened. He began to stare at where is dead body had formerly lain and joined in the chant of, ‘someone’s been murdered!’ Sparko then began to back away incredibly slowly.

In short, it’s a well coded game.

Gameplay

Oblivion is a Sandbox Fantasy RPG. You’ll be swinging swords, firing your bow, or casting spells to get from A to B across Cyrodiil, to complete quests, or explore exotic locales and lost ruins. Um… that’s all there is to it really. There’s an overlying plot about putting an emperor on the throne but there’s absolutely no urgency to complete it and a million other things to do. There’s really no wrong way to play the game

Except whatever this is. This is the wrong way to play the game.

Wanna kill an old lady, whatever, the guards’ll probably get pissed. Wanna steal stuff, aight. Like the plot and wanna pursue it, go ahead. Oblivion don’t judge and when it does it entails a slap on the wrist and some skill penalties — or death, those guards will not hesitate to kill you.

The Gush

Ragdoll physics might be the greatest innovation in video game history. Shooting a minotaur with a lightning bold and watching him flop through the air like a drunken ballerina is one of the most viscerally pleasing things on the planet.

The quests in this game are generally really fun and interesting. Some are even downright challenging and fascinating. I still remember the truth behind the Grey Prince’s lineage and I can’t think of a Daedric Prince quest that was boring.

Speaking of Daedric princes, the Shivering Isles is one of the greatest pieces of DLC I’ve ever purchased. I cannot think of a world in which I felt more like a guest in my own home than the dominion of Sheogorath, The Daedric Prince of Madness. Most of the time I find insanity to be a cheap character trait but the thing that makes Sheogorath great are his moments of clarity — so inconsistent is his inconsistency that he has powerful moments of immense sanity. The characters, architecture, creatures, and larger than life depiction of the Mad God himself blew me out of the water.

I mean, just look at this dapper bastard.

The Kvetch

The leveling up system in this game is a mess. I think it’s pretty cool that your skills level up as you use them, even if it is slower than dirt for some skills — I’m looking at you athletics. But then raising your skills related to your class makes you level up. I follow so far but in order to level up you have to sleep, why? I understand that it’s indicative of epiphany but… it’s annoying… really annoying — and the trite inspirational quote that accompanies each level up screen is similarly unwelcome. When you level up you select stats to increase by 1-5 points. I thought that the degree of increase was random but it’s actually related to the skills that were raised for that instance of leveling up and there are only a certain number of skill raises per level up. Each skill correlates to a certain statistic so if you want to make a statistically powerful character then you need to make sure you only raise certain skills that correlate to the stats that you want to raise and the game doesn’t tell you which skills correlate to which stats. How do you figure it out? You gotta look it up, I guess. TLDR: I JUST WANNA GET STRONKER! HOW DO?

I JUST WANT TO BE AN ORC! LET ME HIT THINGS!

I only complain so much about the levelling up thing because the higher your level the stronger the monsters get. So if you don’t put points in the right places, get good spells, and/or get good equipment then you’re gonna end up in the dust. My level 21 Orc Barbarian, Gronald, was stun-locked and viciously murdered by an unarmed goblin. That’s just wrong. This guy killed a giant demon spider and he got totally owned by goblin.

The persuasion minigame isn’t exactly intuitive and it’s certainly not fun. It’s not even particularly useful but some quests are impossible to complete without raising a subjects personal opinion of you.

Just looking at this, try to figure it out.

I gotta complain more about the level scaling because it doesn’t just effect the gameplay, it can even shatter the immersion. Enemy equipment is also scaled up so sometimes the struggling bandits are wearing ebony armor. How did he get that? He just complained about his rumbling stomach. Did he blow all of his money on his suit of armor? Why doesn’t he pawn it for enough gold to eat for a year? I’m so confused.

Wouldn’t it be weird if the Arena, Thieve’s Guild, Mage’s Guild, Fighter’s Guild, and Assassin’s Guild all had the same leader? If you so choose, your character can be this individual. I’m not sure what the design alternative would be but it seems odd that it’s even possible considering that these guilds sometimes have conflicting tenets. Maybe quest chains could just end without the player becoming the all high, supreme, mega, leader and the actual Leader’s closest agent. Or maybe they could only choose to be leader of one faction.

The Verdict

I know I complain about it a lot but a few ticks down on the difficulty meter and the enemy scaling becomes much more manageable. For those few proud souls who refuse to lower the difficulty on principle I say, ‘Godspeed. May you be beaten to death by unarmed goblins for your hubris.’ That being said, the game is worth it alone for the Shivering Isle’s Expansion. The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion is available on Steam for $20 with all the DLC included. For the complaints I’ve cited I’d wait for it to go down to $15. It’s fun but it can be a real pain in the genitals. Especially when you could play next week’s game for the same cost as it’s theoretical sale price.

Next Week: Shovel Knight