Crusader Kings 2 (PC, Mac, and Linux)

The King is dead and it’s your time to rule. Choose from a Kingdom across Europe and take control of its monarch. Consolidate your power and, essentially, do whatever you wish. Do you want to be the king of Ireland? Go for it. Simply wish to amass wealth? Nothing wrong with that. The one thing you must do is manage your family because continuing the game is not about the persistence of your nation. Instead it is based on the persistence of your dynasty — and the last thing you want is that blithering idiot, Michael, on the throne.

History

Crusader Kings II was created by the Paradox Development Studios and published by Paradox Entertainment. They’ve been known for publishing and creating other Grand Strategy games. Uhhh… sorry, no trivia today.

Crusader Kings II was released on February 14th, 2012. It’s competition was The Darkness II (PC,PS3, and XBox 360), Dear Esther (Mac and PC), and Alan Wake (PC).

Experiences

I won’t lie, I have a hard time keeping track of the members of my dynasty and my children. To remedy this I name all my children silly things based on their randomly generated names. I mean, who could forget about DRAXX and his brother NACHO. NACHO’s son, NACHO II, was good with money from a young age, he made a great Steward on the council. DRAXX’s sons didn’t work out so well. His third son EON OF AGES thought that he was better suited to rule and tried to lead a revolution. It failed and DRAXX had to watch his son EON OF AGES rot in the dungeons for several decades.

ALL HAIL MOTHRA! QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS!

Gameplay

Crusader Kings II is a Grand Strategy game which basically means it’s a gigantic menu-fest where each menu has value imposed on in from a series of stats and numbers. It’s a very slow burn game where master strategies get built up until they culminate in a master stroke. It’ll seem like nothing has happened in years and then France ceases to exist and has been divided into 13 feuding mini-kingdoms.

Oh goodness, those two mini-Frances almost make a whole France.

You play as a King, Duke, or Count who vie for power internally and externally. Your character is based on the Diplomacy, Martial, Stewardship, Intrigue, and Learning statistics which are influenced by the characters traits. Traits include things like being Zealous, Ambitious, a Genius, a Leper, or Slothful. Traits also effect how different characters feel about each other and certain choices become available to characters with certain traits.

It’s difficult to fully express how many different menus there are and how they interact with the world around you but I’ll cover the most important menus with the most activity. Those would be the character panel, where you can see your stats and choose your ambition, see your family, and check on various loyalties. And the other is the council where your most trusted –hopefully– and skilled –also hopefully– advisers do your bidding. These are the Chancellor, Marshal, Steward, Spymaster, and Court Chaplain.

Seriously, that game has so many goddam menus. They do become familiar over time.

The big thing that differentiates this from games like Medieval II: Total War is that diplomacy is mired in ancient laws and traditions. It’s impossible for a character to declare war on someone else unless they have a just cause to do so. This is where the intrigue and skullduggery comes in. Where diplomatic marriages and bribes are used to fabricate or create claims on someone else’s territory. Which allow a declaration of war and subsequent invasion.

The Gush

The ruler designer is one of the greatest pieces of DLC ever imagined. Normally you have to choose from one of the currently existing rulers of the age but the ruler designer changes that. It allows you to insinuate a new ruler with stats and traits of your choosing as the ruler of whatever county, dukedom, or kingdom you choose. I’m personally fond of strong, lustful, hunchbacked, midas touched, lepers. Overall the designer is a great opportunity to try different things and see what suits you.

All he needs now is a dumb name in all caps so I remember he’s mine.

The writing in this game is really good. The descriptions of traits, the phrasing of letters, the responses to random events are all witty, pithy, and simply fun. It fills the whole game with flavor and personality.

The Kvetch

This game doesn’t have a difficulty curve, it has a difficulty wall. It took me going through the tutorial twice and watching a lot of guide videos on Youtube before I was able to make heads or tales of what the hell was going on. It was a pretty big investment and I don’t regret making it but it’s something that did suck.

Too much DLC. Wanna play Venice? Gotta buy the DLC. Wanna play a Muslim Monarch? Gotta buy the DLC. Want some new different music? Gotta buy the DLC. It’s just really frustrating to dish out $40 for the game and then $5 or $10 more again and again for so many little things.

Look at this shit? There’s so much! And it just keeps going!

Sometimes RNJesus will hate you and bad shit will happen. Only 5% chance of getting maimed from a random event choice? Oops, now your character’s got no legs and everyone calls him stumpy. 26% chance yearly to fabricate a claim on a county? Takes 10 years to come through.

The Verdict

If a Medieval, Byzantine, Draconian, politics simulator sounds like something that would interest you then this game is really the one stop shop and the only shop at that. I cannot think of another game that goes as in depth as this one. It’s a largely unique experience that’ll keep you switching gears between teaching children one minute and dispatching troops the next. It’s a little pricey at $40 but since it’s the only game of its kind it can command that price. That being said, it’s on sale quite frequently so you can save some cash by being patient.

Next Week: Lisa: the Painful

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Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den (PS3, Mac, PC, and XBox 360)

This review is going to assume that you’ve Played Bioshock 2 or read my review on it. So if you haven’t you can check it over here.

Another day, another Alpha Series. You are Subject Sigma — totally different from Alpha. This one’s got a Sigma symbol on his hand and starts the game with telekinesis. Your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to infiltrate Rapture Central Computing and retrieve the schematics of it’s great machine The Thinker. The Thinker is a marvel of Adam fueled machinery, complete with the power to predict future events and replicate the personality of other humans. It’s current owner however is not interested in letting you come near it. He’s insane and screaming something about The Thinker predicting disaster if Sigma get’s too near. Fight your way through hordes of pencil pushing splicers and Limited Edition Lancer Big Daddies as you get to the heart of Minerva’s Den.

History

Minerva’s Den was made by 2K Marin, a studio that’s worked on Bioshock 1, 2, and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified — so it’s not all great. They made the DLC with a team of about 40 people. It was released as the final DLC for the game and the only piece of non-multiplayer DLC content.

Fun Fact: The multiplayer DLC would only matchmake people into the new maps if all players going into the match owned them. So players who purchased these maps almost never got to see them because so few purchased the DLC overall.

Minerva’s Den was released on August 31st, 2010 for PS3 and XBox 360. And on May 31st, 2011 for PC.

Experiences

I played through this game blind for my youtube channel #shill. Playing through it like this gave me me the impression that Bioshock 2’s PC port is a slapdash mess. I had my suspicions with its ‘Press a clear picture of an XBox A button to confirm’ instead of ‘press enter’ or something. But running my recording software made this game crash, stutter, drop frames, and basically shit itself if I had certain Windows Microsoft Word updates installed, the graphics settings were not just so, I sneezed, or sat too still. These interruptions and hindrances definitely negatively impacted my experience and tinged the whole experience with frustration.

Gameplay

Minerva’s Den is just DLC for Bioshock 2 and it’s built on the same engine so it plays exactly like Bioshock 2. I could copy past the gameplay section from my previous review but I won’t.

It’s got some new elements like the new plasmid, Gravity Well which creates a sort of gravity grenade that sucks enemies in and explodes them out. There’s a new Big Daddy that can flash-bang you with its laser gun. And there’s a new laser weapon which is cool, I guess, because it shoots lasers — my major complaint being that it’s a constant stream so I can’t whisper ‘pew pew’ at my computer screen.

Sadly, you can’t blind enemies with your laser gun.

Otherwise it’s a condensed version of the standard fare. Run, jump, shoot, use techno-magic, rescue little sisters (or harvest them, you monster), and get bitched at by people over the radio. And when I say ‘condensed’ I mean that the whole experience gets jammed into 4 levels.

The Gush

Hey! Did you wonder what happened to Tenenbaum after we lost track of her in Bioshock 2? Well this DLC explains that. It’s time for the conclusion to the Tenenbaum story and an explanation as to how and whether she can cure Big Daddies of being golem slaves. It’s only a pity that we had to pay 10 dollars for it.

The bad guy, Wahl’s, interactions with The Thinker and musings on the nature of the predictive equation (the thing it uses to predict the future) are fascinating. He doesn’t understand if he has free will any more or if he’s just an extension of the equation. Does the Thinker control the equation or just read it? It’s really compelling to see this spliced up maniac fall apart in front of our eyes.

The Kvush

The Thinker is a legitimately interesting character. I wanted to hear how it saw itself or what it was like. I basically wanted to know ‘who’ The Thinker thought it was as an artificial being. But…  we don’t get any of that. The Thinker performs tasks with robotic precision as if it doesn’t have the personality we can clearly see that it possesses.

The Kvetch

Okay, so, because this is a Bioshock game there are locks to which the keys are plasmids. But the Gravity Well lock is just plain stupid. Actually, it’s more like the keyhole is dumb but I’ll just explain it. There are locked doors that can only be opened by using Gravity Well on these little diodes beyond the door. So, how do you get the Gravity Bomb to these diode things? Do you throw them in a vent? Nope. Do you use telekinesis to do something cool? Nope. Instead, each door is just seperated by a wall with a huge ass window you throw the poly through.

And it’s a huge hole. This is a security system that could be thwarted by a fucking ladder.

Um… so, Wahl says that Lamb has no influence in Minerva’s Den. That’s cool, I can dig it, gotta keep ’em seperated. But then why does interacting with Little Sisters summon Big Sisters? Why are there even Little Sisters gathering here? I thought they were all meant to collect Adam to turn Eleanor into a Utopian? If that doesn’t make any sense to you then that’s okay because neither does most of this DLC.

Oh man, don’t you hate when you think of a twist more clever than the twist that you get? Yeah… I hate that too.

The Verdict

I’m not a big fan of Minerva’s Den. Apparently it’s got lots of good reviews but I will say that I didn’t like it. If you’re hungry for more Bioshock 2 action then go for it, it’s only 10 dollars and hitting glasses wearing, pollen sniffing, spider- splicers does have a certain satisfaction to it. But if you were totally done with Bioshock 2 then I wouldn’t press the issue.

Next Time: Crusader Kings II

Zoe’s (MMO)RPG Corner: Echo of Soul

Echo of Soul (EoS) is a free-to-play fantasy MMORPG I like to call “less shitty Tera” because it’s basically the same thing except with a gender lock on classes, less sexualization of girl children (which is not to say none) and not as many little doodles that made it into the final product, so that’s nice I guess?

History and Development

Echo of Soul is from Korea. It was developed by Nvius and published by Aeria Games in the US (who also brought us such magical titles as Scarlet Blade, unarguably the worst piece of shit I have ever played in my entire life, which I will not be reviewing because it just shut down, ding dong, the witch is dead). So like, we immediately know not to trust this game.

I can’t really find much more on the development of this game. I’m pretty sure that it’s another one made to make money, but hey, I guess most games are.

What I do know is that I picked this one up for the blog, and also because I really am in the process of finding a new MMO to blow some time on. This one seemed interesting because of the buzz it was getting on the internet (that buzz being “It exists!”) Sometimes I just search “popular MMOs” and see what’s going on out there.

This one I liked purely because it seemed less muddled than a lot of them and because the graphics were pleasent.

You know, someday I’m going to get to write another long, labor of love saga here, but I’m pretty sure EoS isn’t one of those.

Character Creation

So the first thing I should note is the gender lock.

This is one of those things that might be a deal breaker for a lot of people, and it almost was for me as well. See, there are six classes. Warriors, Rogues, and Warlocks and locked to male. I love playing warriors, and I’m pretty insistent on playing ladytypes, so for me this was almost a reason not to play this game, but I was willing to give it a try.

Mostly because Guardians looked cool.

Except for their wacky unnecessary boob physics.

The other two female classes, Sorceresses and Archers, were a little less interesting to me, and more traditionally “femme” classes, as both are long range.

The character creator, however, is pretty great. One thing that gets me about a lot of MMOs is how many little sliders there are. I know I’ve mentioned in a couple of reviews that I don’t like too many details, and EoS has just the right amount. Also you can be blue. So that’s epic.

Story

So here’s what’s going down. There was a big war between the gods and the giants. The gods won, but the blood of the giants fucked shit up and corrupted the land. The PCs job is to stop the shitty corrupted souls from…I dunno, be more corrupting?

Giants are scary. All you really need to know.

Also there are larger souls with abstract concept names that need to get snagged from baddies.

Most of this I did admittedly learn from the opening cinematic because there’s a lot of writing in the story here, but some of it I did actually figure out as I played. I don’t know why games feel the need to include 150-300 words of exposition for each quest, but I wish they’d stop. If they were more concise, maybe I’d actually understand the story better.

But there are specifically marked main quests that guide you through the story, so at least you can grab some more information as you go. Not that it’s particularly interesting. The above information on story still holds true, basically throughout the game, but the main themes seem to be about purifying the land and returning it to pre-gross-giant-blood conditions.

Game Play

These are basic MMO controls. You have abilities, and you get more as you level up. It’s a TAB target system, you hit a button, you hit some other buttons, and then you kill things.

One of the more interesting parts of the game play is the soul system. This is what allows you a little customization when it comes to how to play the game. After you kill an enemy, you get a soul (or sometimes you get them from quests) which you can then purify and make into one of four types (it’s random, though, so you just get a bunch). Then you can use them for different buffs in battle, like a health increase or upping your attack speed. The cool down is long, but it’s a nice little detail.

Yes, there’s some customization in terms of play style built into class (each one has two specialties) but I found that I just stuck with one that fit me and didn’t try out the other very much. Actually, that kind of was how the whole thing went. I didn’t want to try other classes because, like many MMOs, it was really repetitive. I got through the tutorial with every class but then just stopped because god, who wants to kill four wolves again?

But again, that might just be a play style issue. I’m not sure.

Like story, I don’t have a lot to say here, because the game play is pretty basic. It’s not stellar. It’s not terrible. It does what it’s supposed to do and then just fades into the background. It happens to you, is the best way to put it. Not that that’s a bad thing, but the game play certainly isn’t something to write home about.

The Good

Even though I just said the game play was just there, I’m going on record that the combat is solid. Because it is. It’s kind of fun and it lets you do a lot with a little without really pushing anything on you. It’s intuitive, certainly–if you’ve played a video game before, you can play this one.

The designs aren’t bad–most of the time–and the maps are smaller and broken up so you’re not going to spend a lot of time getting lost on your way to a quest. This is something in this game’s favor to me. I don’t mind open world but I do tend to like linear games if it’s something this mindless. This is no Dragon Age: Inquisition where you want to see everything and something new and exciting awaits around every corner. This is just a slashfest and at least it knows it enough not to pretend it’s anything else.

But really, the designs could have been way more over the top and I like the simplicity.

Also, dungeons. I didn’t get a chance to talk about this earlier, but there are these dungeons that are solo which is great for someone like me who actually doesn’t want to make online friends. The dungeons come at different skill levels and you can go back later. They also sometimes include puzzles, and the fights are way more interesting than they are in the open world. And they can be kind of hard! But I had a good time doing them and found them to be well designed and entertaining.

The Bad

The gender lock I guess, but really, I wasn’t that upset about it. I mean, someday I want to see a gender lock that’s got lady warriors and dude healers, but I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. At least I got one femme DPS character, even though she was almost a little AoE support.

The Ugly

After playing this game, I’m going to take a long break from anything that wants me to read long paragraphs during games (which pretty much means all MMO’s, especially those produced in Asia). I don’t like the quests. It wears on me that everything was just like 500 words of “story” and then boiled down to “Kill ten bad guys”. I don’t care why I have to go commit snake woman genocide. I wish I did, but if you’re going to slow me down and make me read all that shit, my interest level is going to wane. A lot.

I mean, honestly.

I know this is a weird thing to say, because I’m both a professional writer and a voracious reader, but I’m not expecting to spend my video game time reading. It’s just not what I want to do. It’s a visual medium and I expect you to find a better, visual (or aural) way to explain quests to me. I don’t mind cut scenes and I’m fine with spoken mission briefings, but I’m not squinting at my computer screen to figure out why it’s so important that I bring you a bunch of rocks.

Oh, and I guess armor’s not great. Too many titties. But it certainly could be worse.

From here…?

…Eh. This one I’d honestly say to give a miss. I would tell you to try it, but if you’ve tried one free, online MMO (with a few notable exceptions, looking at you here, DCUO) you’ve kind of tried them all. If you want one that’s decent, I’d give this a shot. I had a good time bingeing it for a few weeks, but then I stopped playing it and I’m not planning on ever going back. It’s a nice break from other games, but it’s nothing special.

But it’s maybe better than other stuff running around out there in the same catagory. So I’ll give it a solid “Meh.”

Next Month: Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn! Cat girls! Way too much cuteness! Nostalgic music! We get to talk about Final Fantasy AND character creation!

Charles Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (PC)

The year is 2053 and the events you are about to witness — and instigate — are totally canon. Twelve years ago one B-Baller performed a Verboten Jam, invoking the Chaos Dunk. It leveled the venue, wrecked the city, and killed millions (For, as we all know, Basketball is the most powerful force in the universe). The fans grew fearful and in their panic began the great B-Ball purge. Many, once trusted and popular athletes  were slain as a grief-stricken population took revenge. Some ballers survived though, greats like Larry Bird, the treacherous Michael Jordan, and the perpetrator of the Chaos Dunk himself, Charles Barkley.

Without the power of B-Ball to sustain it, and with disaster just behind them, civilization began to degrade and usher in the Post-Cyberpocalypse. A terrorist organization known as BLOODMOSES has threaten the world with bloodshed and pain. They make good on their promise by executing a Chaos Dunk on Manhattan. Barkley claims innocence but his words fall on deaf ears. He must now safeguard his son and take down the true perpetrator of the latest disaster.

History

Charles Barkely Shut up and Jam: Gaiden was created by, infant studio, Tales of Games. Composed of members of an amateur game development forum names included such talents as GZ, Chef Boyardee, bort, and quackgyver. Development started over a discussion about someone on Wikipedia asking if the Space Jam was canon. Prompting further questions about whether the commenter was referring to the Loony Toons canon or Jordan’s life itself.

Barkley is actually referring to the Space Jam B-Ball. Space Jam is canon in this game.

The game was originally created in RPG Maker 2003 but was ported to Game Maker 6.1 due to its greater power and flexibility as a program. The game includes many stolen assets — especially those taken from Michael Jordan: Chaos the Windy City — the music however, was not stolen. With the exception of one track it was all made by Chef Boyardee.

Fun Fact: For all you Final Fantasy X fans out there it’s possible to play through the entire game with the Al Bhed language cypher.

Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden was released on January 22nd, 2008. It’s competition was No More Heroes (Wii), Sins of a Solar Empire (PC), and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii).

Experiences

I cannot recall when I first heard about this game. One of the older Let’s Players whose channel had since become abandoned probably played it. I just know that I saw it someone play it and had to track it down. I was horribly unprepared however for its unrelentingly dark story, grim world, hopeless scenario, and incredibly fun combat. I was expecting a goof, a lark, but I got more than that. I got something legitimately well made considering what the developers had to work with and more-so something imaginative and compelling. Something that transcends the silliness of its source material if you let it.

Gameplay

Charles Barkley Shup up and Jam: Gaiden plays like an average JRPG. There’s turn based combat, combat commands — each character getting unique mechanics to improve their attacks, no less — , skills that exhaust a secondary resource, and if everyone in your party runs out of health then it’s game over. You play as Charles Barkley and any he can call to his cause. That being said, he’s been hardened by the years — at this point he’s 70 years old– he’s cold, callous, and only looks after him and his own.

Of course it’s still tinged with B-Ball video game jargon.

The major draw of the game, however, is not the combat. The more fun and compelling aspects are the story and the world. A narrative that introduces the incredibly absurd and then takes it deadly serious. In which Michael Jordan abandoning his fellow Ballers and joining their persecutors is a serious character event that shapes the story.

The Gush

This game is so far over the top that it cannot see nor remember what the bottom looks like from its current lofty vantage. It’s a thing of wonder. The currency of the Post-Cyberpocalypse is Neo-shekels and Ecto-cooler is a healing item. I should also point out that this age is called the POST-CYBERPOCALYPSE! And yet it’s all so grounded in common story tropes and elements.

The music in this game is shockingly good. One of the songs was stolen wholesale from a Final Fantasy game but I’m of the understanding that the rest of it was made by Chef Boyardee. Even in the most mundane of circumstances the music accentuates the emotional impact of the scene — or is just incredibly metal.

The characters in this game are all so brilliantly realized. From Barkley’s dry, jaded, style to The Ultimate Hellbane’s art, poise, and seriousness everyone is their own creature, rarely limited to stereotype — I mean, the robot beeps and boops a lot like you’d expect a robot to.

B-Ball has never been so fantasized… and it’s great.

The Kvetch

This game is actually shockingly long. So long that I think its drags a little bit. Maybe something could have been cut or something could have been tightened. I’m really digging to find something I don’t like here and this is all I’ve got.

The Verdict

This game is incredible on its own merits and what makes it even better is that it’s completely free. Tales of Games has a free download on their website that’s kept up to date and bug-free for every new edition of windows. I implore anyone out there who doesn’t hate turn based RPGs and could go for something dark and absurd to download Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam: Gaiden. And keep an eye out for its sequel The Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa (Or TMRoTnnEfN7RoCTOGotMC2otHBS for short).

Next Episode: Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (PC, Mac, Linux, XBox 360, and PS3)

After Roland and his friends opened The Vault of The Destroyer in Borderlands 1, but before Jack held Pandora in peril by opening The Vault of the Warrior there was a bit of a transitory period. The one we know as Handsome Jack wasn’t always the terrifying, maniacal, and deluded dictator we met in Borderlands 2. Before his meteoric rise to power he was a simple code-monkey named John. John was assigned to the Hyperion planetary orbiting space station, Helios, and used its facilities to learn about The Vault of the Watcher on Pandora’s moon, Elpis.

As soon as John hires four — or six depending on whether you bought the DLC or not — Vault Hunters to track it down Helios is attacked by a group of ex-Dahl corporation soldiers known only as the Lost Legion. Lead by their commander, Zarpedon — the game treats the name with all the respect it deserves — and assisted by a strange Eridian being they conquer Helios.

And I do mean Strange with a capital S or whatever letter or word that’s supposed to be.

 

You play as one of these Vault Hunters as you run and gun your way across the foreign moon. Use your abilities, jump in sweet moon gravity, slam, and try not to run out of air or get killed by the desperate natives of Elpis.

History

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel was developed by 2K Australia, assisted by Gearbox Software, and published by 2K Games. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford remarked that there was no current plan for a third installment in the Borderlands series because, “We don’t know what that is yet. We can imagine what it must achieve, but we don’t know what it is yet.” I personally think they wanted to keep the Borderlands momentum going so Tales from the Borderlands and the Pre-Sequel got the green light.

2K Australia used their position as primary developer to include a lot of Australia culture — in short, Elpis is literally space Australia (Rugged terrain, monstrous creatures, tough locals… sounds like Australia to me). That all being said, Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel is the last game 2K Australia would ever make and would get shut down on April 15th 2015.

Borderlands: the Pre-Sequel was released on October 14th, 2014. It’s competition was The Evil Within (PC, XBox 360, XBox One, PS3, and PS4), Bayonetta 2 (WiiU), and Civilization: Beyond Earth (PC, Mac, Linux).

Experiences

So, Claptrap is a playable character in this game and I do not know anyone who likes playing him or playing alongside him… except me. Playing him is a super troll tactic because his abilities are actually incredibly powerful but then… you have to listen to him and have him on your team. Now, here’s the thing, I’ve never found Claptrap to be particularly annoying. I understand that he’s got a squeaky voice, occasionally breaks into dub-step solos, has an addiction to high-fives, and is generally awful at everything but I’m luke-warm on it. I think what really pisses people off is that when Claptrap uses his action skill, Vault Hunter.EXE, it prevents or forces all other Vault Hunters to do something. So… naturally I play him all the time.

That being said the Vault Hunter.EXE effects are really powerful… but pseudo random.

Gameplay

Like all Borderlands that came before it, this game is about guns, loot, leveling up, a sprinkling of story, and high silliness in a hostile environment. The setting of the day is Pandora’s, shockingly habitable, moon known of Elpis — I see what they did there with their Greek myth references. The thing that differentiates Elpis from Pandora is that it’s filled with Australians, oh yeah it also has diminished gravity and no oxygen. The creatures are tough and the locals are tougher and they’re all gonna stop you from getting into the Vault of the Watcher.

Zarpedon might be a doofy name but the Lost Legion’s commander will wreck you with or without her robot suit.

Being on Elpis brings unique challenges and mechanics. Since the moon’s got no oxygen you’ve got to keep an eye on your oxygen levels — except you don’t because most enemies drop O2 tanks. And since the moon has less gravity you can jump really high and use a little oxygen to propel you forward. While you’re up there you can also expend O2 to propel yourself into the ground producing a slam that damages all nearby enemies. You can also use O2 to revive downed teammates faster so… O2 is an ever-present and useful resources… cool.

The Gush

Each character now has their own unique vocal responses to campaign dialogue. Some of them even have totally unique banter with NPCs. Playing through the game as every character offers that character’s understanding on things — Except Wilhelm, that guy kinda just cares about the money.

It feels SOOOO good to get off Pandora. Elpis has got laser weapons, a lot of the same problems, but — even though there’s no atmosphere– it was a giant breath of fresh air. It showed me how the galactic corporations screwed over and exploited the resources of other planets in addition to Pandora. And while you’re on Elpis…

… YOU CAN DRAW THE MIGHTY EXCALIBASTARD FROM THE ROCK or…

You can meet a new cast of kooky characters! Meet Janey Springs, The Merriff, and kill a sentient AI who’s only crime was trusting the universe to be just — that got really dark… I loved chatting with and doing quests for the denizens of Elpis.

Not to mention the return of many familiar faces.

Oh man, don’t you hate it when you’ve got that backpack full of useless and crappy weapons? Well now you can shove them in The Grinder and turn them into a new weapon of the same quality and level and have the chance to grind them into a weapon of a higher quality. Including the ability to turn epic weapons into legendary ones. I know the odds are slim, but any odds is better than nothing at all. And anything I can do with my spare weapons that isn’t sell them for nearly useless money is a welcome addition.

The Kvush

I’m a little torn about a game showing Jack’s rise to power. I didn’t think it was really necessary or treading new ground. Borderlands 2’s insights into Jack’s past told me everything I needed to know about him. He loves his wife, loves his daughter, his daughter’s a siren, she loses control of her siren powers, incinerates mom, Jack does everything in his power to provide for her and control her power, gets obsessed with control, gets obsessed with doing the right thing, and that leads him to control the company that tried to grind him into the dirt –which would have threatened Angel’s safety– and then he loses all the bearing on his moral compass when he actually comes into all the power he ‘deserved the whole time’. I definitely found the story about the Vault of the Watcher to be interesting if only because it expands on the connection between Eridians, mortals, and sirens. I know that it had to show all the stuff going on with Jack but I just wish it had been in an better package, I suppose. That’s why this is in the Kvush instead of either of the other sections.

The Kvetch

New characters, new skills, new laser weapons, new elemental type, new butt-slam attack, and despite it all the game feels a little stale. It’s still just a game of kill, loot, kill, quest, kill, loot until you’re satisfied or simply done with it all. Because the game runs on Borderlands 2’s engine the game even looks and feels the same as its predecessor — especially when you’re not in a low gravity environment. If you had your fill of Borderlands 2, The Pre-Sequel might taste like more of the same.

Half of the DLC in this game is functionally worthless. The new characters and Claptrap’s Claptastic Journey were a great value that I found loads of fun. Even so the ending of the Claptastic Journey let me down hard — then again, it’s about Claptrap, maybe that was the point. Skip on the season pass and just grab the stuff you want.

Oh man, look at how cool they make this trash look!

It’s a small complaint but it really gets on my nerves. In Borderlands 2, after you defeated the Warrior he would vomit loot all over the battlefield before perishing. Disregarding the convenience of the act, that’s awesome — I love loot. And if you went back to his den he’d be magically returned to life, ready to die and vomit more high class weaponry and junk all over the place. For whatever reason, despite being harder to get to, The Watcher can only be fought again on a higher difficulty with the expenditure of this game’s rare currency, moonstones. Why? Why you gotta play me like that?

The Verdict

I really enjoyed Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel –with inverse proportionality to how difficult it is to type. (Seriously, a colon and a dash is just too much for me). Even after I played Borderlands 2 I was still hungry for more silly gun/looting action and this really scratched the itch. Throw in a new setting and the ability to annoy my friends *AHEM* I mean the privilege to play as Claptrap and then go into his incredibly depressed and depressing head and they’ve got me hook, line, and sinker.

Next Week: Charles Barkley: Shut up and Jam Gaiden.

Zoe’s (MMO)RPG Corner: DC Universe Online

DC Universe Online (DCUO) is a free-to-play superhero MMORPG that’s about superheroes where you work with established DC superheroes and fly around and are a superhero and is it obvious that I really love superheroes?

History and Development

 

DCUO was developed by Daybreak Games, which also produced Ever Quest and H1Z1, neither of which I’ve ever played. Maybe they’re good? Who knows. Not me. Point is, they do have games that I’ve heard of and the Ever Quest developers were involved in the creation of DCUO as well.

Developers said they wanted to make a “different kind of MMO” which is basically what everyone says. A lot of their inspiration came from The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction, a game from 2005, in terms of game play. Which is funny because the Hulk is Marvel. I honestly don’t know what to think of the relationship between Marvel and DC; they’re like best friends who also hate each other.

The game was originally pay-to-play, but went free-to-play only a couple months after its first beta in 2010-11. It uses microtransations to fuel its economy.

Why did I pick up this game? Because it’s about superheroes. And I frakking love superheroes. I didn’t want a game that made me play as an established one (like most of the Marvel games) so DCUO seemed like the obvious choice. Yes, please allow me to make my own superhero. It was everything I wanted.

For a long time, I’ve been really into superheroes. I love the DC universe because, when done right, it’s really all about teamwork and hero interaction, while the Marvel universe is often more about the stories of individuals. Getting a game where the characters I loved were part of the actual game play was just a lot of fun, and getting to see/be part of that teamwork aspect gave me the warm fuzzies.

This show WASN’T my childhood…I watched it in my twenties and it was awesome.

Additionally, I’d heard positive reviews on the game. In college, I knew a few people who played and meant to get into it, but never managed it. It’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve been playing.

Character Creation

 

I actually don’t like the character creator very much. It’s cumbersome and isn’t particularly intuitive. The options are nice and there are all sorts of cool things to chose from, but it’s a badly designed interface and it’s tricky to get through. Also whoever designed some of the hair styles should have gotten off the Dragon Ball Z.

There are some cool choices. You get to chose your superpower (which includes combat role, sorta), your weapon, and your movement method. Also your costume, though there are tons of other options later so that will probably change.

Also you can chose to either play a hero or a villain which is a ton of fun.

The creation process is pretty simple though. There’s not a whole heck of a lot of physical options but those that are there are kind of wild (snake skin and wings, that kind of stuff). It’s fun, or it would be if the interface wasn’t so finicky. They use a lot of scrolling menus that are way over-sensitive.

Too much scrolling! Too much!

I guess it does what it needs to do, but it could do that a lot better.

 Story

Here’s some serious superhero shit:

Alternate Universe Lex Luthor comes to the DC universe and releases a lot of little nanobytes with superpowers into the air, because Braniac is coming and we’re basically all gonna be fucked up, so we need more superheroes.

That’s the story. How comic book bullshit is that?

As a comic fan, I just kind of rolled with it because honestly, that sounds about right. Comics are weird. Not like, Anime Logic weird, but really, really weird. Besides, it’s actually not a bad way to explain why there are so many new superheroes.

The rest of the story is given to you via either Oracle or Calculator, and through your mentor (Batman, Superman, or my girl Wonder Woman if your a good guy, Lex, Circe, or the Joker if you’re a bad guy). They just sort of pop up when you’re the right level and begin filling you in. It’s nice because it’s all voiced, which allows you to absorb the story without having to go looking for quests and also you can keep walking while you do.

The story also introduces you to a lot o established heroes so, if you’re like me, you can fangirl your pretty face off about Huntress and Zatana and stuff.

The writing is really solid too. Sometimes it’s a little goofy, but that’s always been okay with me, and honestly it’s better than games that try to take themselves seriously al the time. If one is working with characters like the Joker and Oracle, one has to have something of a sense of humor.

 

Gameplay

Game play is where this game really shines. They use something a lot more like a fighting game style for combat. You have abilities, but you mostly just punch and kick and flame and ice and combo your way through stuff. It’s really fun and bouncy and intuitive, actually. Also, while the graphics aren’t something I’d write home about, the movement is really natural and awesome. It gives you your own fighting style that can feel totally unique to your character.

Also I mean, who doesn’t wanna punch Batman sometimes?

I’m playing a character with brawling as a fighting style/weapon and fire as a superpower. It’s a really interesting, fun time because not only can I punch people, I can also set them on fire. But then if you wanted to play someone with a ranged weapon, like a gun or a bow, but also have a fire superpower, your fighting style would be very different.

As mentioned before, questing is really easy, and they release new issues with little stories every once in a while to continue the game.

Movement is also a lot of fun because you can climb/fly up buildings and stuff. Also, zero fall damage. Really, the game play contributes to making this game actually feel the way superhero movies, shows, and comics look. It makes you feel invincible…which isn’t the same thing as being easy. I die all the time. But I feel cool right before I do it.

 

The Good

Game play. Top notch stuff. Really fun and bouncy and intuitive combat,lots of powers to chose from to create your own play style.

Also you’re a superhero. Did I mention that part?

But in all seriousness, that actually is part of the cool part of this game. Unlike a lot of the superhero bullshit people (mostly Zack Snyder) shit out these days, this game doesn’t take itself even a little bit seriously. The joker clowns are just as stupid and ridiculous as you expect them to be. The superheroes make stupid jokes, as superheroes should.

Right                                                       Wrong

Because they’re supposed to be fun. The problem with making superheroes gritty is you’ll never get away from the fact that Batman responded to trauma by dressing as a bat and fighting crime. You’re stuck with that. And that’s totally stupid. DCUO is aware of that stupidity. It doesn’t ask you to ignore it. It asks you to embrace it.

The Bad

The level scaling always seemed a little funny to me. Things that are supposed to be on my level kick my ass every time. The story quests seem to run a little ahead of where they shoud and yeah, maybe that’s part of the challenge, but it gets frustrating after you die for the third time doing a quest that’s supposed to be a level or two below you.

The Ugly

Inventory. How hard is it to get a decent inventory up in this place? Honesty, though, the interface of this entire time game is messed up. As soon as you start fighting and instead want to buy something or change your stupid boots, it gets really complicated. The designers really had a hard-on for scroll menus which I dislike on principal,and it makes it really frustrating to get anything done.

Also my inventory is a mess. Whoever invented “Inventory Sorting” should be crowned as the supreme ruler of the world because every time I play a game that doesn’t have it, I get really angry.

From here…?

Get this game. Especially if you like superheroes, but even if you just like well designed, fun games. It’s a lot of fun in a sort of dorky way. Also you can slam your fist into the ground and shoot fire out of it. I mean, who doesn’t love that shit? I don’t want to know people who don’t.

If you’re a fan of the DC universe, I really urge you to give this a try. It’s a fun look at some famous superheroes. The writing for Oracle as a quest giver is especially good and it’s always wonderful to see my girl Barbara getting some love. So yeah, if you have any knowledge of the DC universe, or you want to know about it, this game is a decent place to start.

Next Month: Echo of Soul. TERA Part Two But Not As Awful? A long discussion of gender locks and quest grinding. Korea, why do you produce so many MMOs?

Papers, Please (PC, iOS, and PS Vita [TBA])

You are a citizen of Arstotzka — Glory to Arstotzka. After applying to the labor lottery yet again you’ve finally been assigned a position — and not a moment too soon, your savings just ran out. You have been granted the privilege of being a Border Inspector. Checking over documents of incoming immigrants to make sure they are supposed to enter the country. Every person you process correctly earns you the money your family needs to survive. If they all die on your watch or your account balance is in the red then it’s game over. Cross-reference information, learn correct passport information — and there’s lots of it — and make moral decisions on the border of Glorious Arstotzka.

History

Papers, Please was developed indie style by Lucas Pope. A former developer for Naughty Dog, he left the company during Uncharted’s development to strike out on his own. Papers, Please was intended to be made in six months but it took three more for Pope to make it to his liking. It was inspired in part by his experience living in Japan as a US citizen, describing the experience of dealing with immigration as ‘tense’.

Papers, Please was released on August 8th, 2013. It’s competition was Spelunky (PC), Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons (X Box Live Indie Arcade), and Gone Home (PC, Mac, and Linux)

Experiences

When I started this blog I did so with the principle that I should finish every game before I discuss it.

I beat Bubsy for you people.

I kind of put some cracks in that principle when I tried to beat Speed Racer: In My Most Dangerous Adventures — and almost did if the last race wasn’t nearly impossible– failed, but reviewed it anyway. But this is the game that truly broke me of the notion. Papers, Please is the best game I’ve never completed. The stress and monotony made the game too unpleasant to continue. I made it to day 18, 3 hours in before the game became too complex for me to play without screwing up routinely. As an anxious individual it wreaked havoc on my nerves. As a mild completionist it is the one game that exists in a sort of equilibrium of too painful to finish but also too shameful a failure to forget.

Gameplay

Papers, Please sells itself as a Dystopian Document Thriller and it delivers. Each level consists of a work day in which the player only has a limited amount of time to examine and authenticate as many immigrants’ paperwork as possible. This authentication process includes checking their passport, its city of distribution, the sex of the immigrant, name, what country their from, if they have a work pass, if the work pass has the proper seal… it’s incredibly stressful madness. Every day you have to spend the money you earn on keeping your apartment warm and feeding your family, consisting of you wife, son, mother in law, and uncle. If they’re not kept fed and watered then they’ll die — but hey, that’s fewer mouths to feed if you want to look at it like a cynical monster.

Seriously, memorize these pages they will be on the test

Naturally, not everyone’s papers are in order. These people will have to be turned away or detained — if they get too lippy. It may sound boring, because it sort of is, until the Arstoztkan immigration board keeps changing the rules. Every day they will add a new rule and they just don’t stop. Once you’ve got ahold of that then the moral decisions will start. Occasionally your moral compass will be tested and doing what’s wrong or right might break the rules… which will cost you money… which you need to keep your family alive… so have fun.

Sorry Jorji, looks like your counterfeiter screwed you on this one.

The Gush

The moral situations can be mind-wracking, soul-wrenching, haunting affairs. My personal favorite experience was when it was the Inspector’s son’s birthday and I could spend five credits on buying him a tiny box of crayons. I nearly tore my hair out thinking about it because those were five credits I might not be able to afford to spend. Those might be the five credits I need to keep the house warm or put food on the table. Looking back it taught me that it’s a choice that no parent should ever have to face.

If that example was any indication, this game is filled with anguish — is anguish something I can praise? Art is meant to evoke emotion and Papers, Please certainly evoked a lot of emotions from me. If it wasn’t fear, it was panic. If it wasn’t panic, it was sheer torment. Save for the rare gleam of hope and happiness — I mean, I did buy the kid his crayons in the end and we managed not to starve.

The art style is really simple… I think drab is the better word. It serves the game fantastically, creating a sea of essentially nameless faces — I know they have names but I cannot remember a single one. I do remember the experiences and situations but I felt like I was dealing with the most generic of people.

Just another face and a pile of paperwork.

There is basically one song in the entire game and it only plays on the title screen. It is a marvelously stiff Arstotzkan anthem. The first trundling notes especially set the tone so well.

The Kvetch

This game is hard. It’s incredibly hard. I struggled from the very beginning to keep my head above water. The game includes an option to give the player a crutch bonus of 40 dollars daily and that might be the only way I can see it to the end. I know I’m depriving myself of the experience so I urge anyone to not use it unless absolutely necessary.

It’s not my complaint but I would be remiss if I didn’t warn that this game is not fun. It’s great, it’s fantastic, I love it and I wish it well with every fiber of my being but it was not something I would call enjoyable. It’s a trial, a testament, an experience — a great one, even — but it was not pleasant in the least. It’s not an average game played for laughs or for joy so don’t expect to find it in such dismal proceedings.

The Verdict

I cannot recommend Papers, Please enough for someone looking for something completely unique, brutally difficult, and frighteningly mundane. I’ll warn the anxious and the nervous that this game might set you off. It is something entirely unto itself and for the low low price of $9.99 it can be an addition to your Steam library. Seriously, check it out, even though it’s not fun it’s still amazing!

Speaking of mindless fun.

Next Week: Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel.

Worms 2 (PC)

Um, there are worms… with little nub hands… and weapons. They fight each other and the last worm standing is victorious. With a wide arsenal ranging from bazookas, air strikes, dragon punches, and exploding sheep matches are a tactical chess-like battle of wits against the AI or a frenemy. These little pink bastards can dish out some serious carnage and mayhem at your behest.

History

Worms was the brainchild of Andy Davidson. Originally Worms was an entry in the Blitz BASIC programming competition it was picked up by Team 17. The original title was on the Commodore Amiga but was ported to other platforms. Before Worms 2 was released for computers everywhere Davidson created a Director’s Cut for the Amiga which he considers the pinnacle of the series. Worms: Director’s Cut was the final release for the life of the Amiga.

Why am I talking so much about Worms 1? Because there’s not much development information for Worms 2.

Worms 2 was released on February 11th, 1998. It’s competition was Tenchu: Stealth Assassins (PS1), Blasto (PS1), and Xenogears (PS1)

Experiences

Oh man, I used to play this game all the time when I was a kid! I used to make my own maps and make my own weapon layouts. Eventually though, every weapon pack was just everything pumped up as strong as it could be. Biggest explosions, biggest blasts, most absurd stats. Looking back on it, it might be pure carnage but it’s also really boring. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun in its own way. But it’s just not really tactically satisfying. It’s basically a chess game where each side of the board is just filled with rooks.

Gameplay

Worms 2 is a strategy game where each player takes control of a team of worms who must use their weapons and tools in order to reduce their opponents HP to zero, knock them into the water below, or blast them off the map entirely. You do this by using weapons like mortars, homing missiles, sticks of dynamite, exploding sheep, shotguns, whatever’s handy. And you can change positions with ninja ropes, parachutes, and teleporters. If those fail then the game will enter sudden death mode and the water level will rise, spelling certain doom for unfloating earthworms.

Did someone order a giant Concrete Donkey? I’m pretty sure you did.

You can face your friends in multiplayer or the computer in skirmish matches or an incredibly difficult campaign. The PC release originally had internet multiplayer but it was such a byzantine mess I could never get it set up when I was younger. I doubt it’s gotten easier now.

The Gush

It’s easy to get lost in the cartoonish mayhem and carnage and just have some great fun. I still laugh when I hurl a super sheep and it takes to the air with its ‘totally not Superman’ cape.

Some of the intro cinematics are actually pretty entertaining. I would recommend that the slapstick inclined look them up on Youtube.

This game has got a pretty good map editor. It allows the player to set whether it’s a cavern, island, or totally boxed in area without water. The player can disable sudden death mode if they’re not a fan of it. They can even create custom weapons packages and alter the settings for each weapon. You can even make custom teams with custom names and custom voice clips. What I’m getting at is that this game is incredibly customizable and that’s awesome. Mods not required, this game has got everything ya’ll need.

Hot map editing action!

The Kvetch

Holy hell, the AI cheats. They have a way of using the wind hurl projectile weapons right into your worms with unerring accuracy. I routinely have to set them to lower settings because they’re just that tough. Unfortunately that’s not a possibility in the campaign and I just don’t care to git gud.

The gameplay gets a little dry after awhile. There are only so many ways something can get blown up. If you’re not playing with friends then this title might not last.

If you were one of those people always playing the 2-d tank battle games with all the weapons and you’re not burned out. This title might scratch the itch.

The Verdict

This game is like drinking a glass of warm milk on a humid and hot afternoon. A glass of warm milk before bed is great! A hot afternoon can be comfortable under the right conditions. Humidity always sucks. All of this stuff is put together into an experience I no longer enjoy. If you’re able to focus on any of it more than the rest then it can be quite enjoyable but it pales in comparison to modern titles in the series and GOG.com no longer supports its internet multiplayer but it still supports local multiplayer. For the low price of $5.99 it will definitely entertain a ten year old for a few months on the cheap.

Next Week: Papers, Please

Little Inferno (Wii U, PC, iOS, OS X, Linux, and Android)

A terrible blizzard has struck the city of Burnington — I can’t believe that’s the name. People huddle in their homes for warmth. The magnaminous Tomorrow Corporation sees opportunity. They design and dispense the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace! The perfect product to keeps kids occupied and  warm the homestead — While you’re at it, order some fine products from our Little Inferno burnables catalogs! You play as one of the children sitting at their fireplace, burning things, never looking away… just burning all the time.

History

Little Inferno was developed by the Tomorrow Corporation. An indie group composed of Kyle Gabler, Kyle Gray, and Allan Blomquist. They had previously worked on Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure — which actually looks pretty cool — and World of Goo — which is a much better known game that I’m sadly not fond of — and came together to form their own studio.

The development of Little Inferno was inspired by watching the Yule Log Program. You know, the one with the 14 second loop of a burning log in a fire place — yeah that one. They thought, “I wonder if we can start with an underwhelming premise, but then actually make the game really really surprisingly good.”

Little Inferno was released for Wii U and PC on November 18th 2012. It’s competition was ZombiU (WiiU), Thomas Was Alone (PC), and Baldur’s Gate: Enhanced Edition (PC).

Experiences

Little Inferno gets me in an oddly contemplative mood. What begins with mindless pyromania eventually evolves into existential questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I doing this? They begin grounded in the character and the setting but reach out to me soon enough. Why do I find it a suitable pass-time to burn things. The game does it best to keep things happy and upbeat until chapter 4 so I’m not sure if my reaction is intended or not.

Gameplay

Little Inferno is a… Simulation(?) game in which the player has catalogs of things to purchase and subsequently burn. Burning objects produces more coins than they cost and as such the player can purchase more expensive products from the catalog. While objects burn, the player can order more items and wait for them to be mailed.

Heart of darkness? Count me in!

Each item has its own attributes, abilities,  and delivery time. Deliveries can be expedited with stamps which can be acquired from burning things or performing combos. Combos are achieved by burning certain objects at the same time and are hinted at in the combo menu.

Occasionally the player will receive a letter from their next door neighbor; Sugar Plumps, The CEO of Tomorrow Corp; Miss Nancy, the mail man, or the weather man — reporting from the weather balloon, over the smokestacks, over the city, of course. These letters can be subsequently burned and serve to push forward the plot.

The Gush

What can I say, it’s a pleasure to burn. There is something satisfying about tending a campfire and that definitely translates to the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace. Sometimes I ignore the types of objects and just throw as many highly flammable things in at once.

Such a mighty blaze… I cannot help but watch.

Between the character dialogue, item descriptions, item animations, and item effects, this game is hilarious. Wooden spoons doing ballet, coffee cups shaking in caffeine frenzies, Sugar Plumps. I love it all.

Just… the word choice in this game is golden.

This game has an epilogue. It is a thing. It’s weird. I love it. It is major spoilers though so this is all I can say about it.

The Kvetch

I understand how the wait times insentivize spending stamps wisely but I think it would be cool if there was some sort of free-play or creative mode. Waiting 5 minutes for my tiny sun to ship is fun the first time — with the Christmas present-esque anticipation and all — but it loses its luster quickly.

The Verdict

I wuv this game to little burning bits — I’d go as far as to put the ashes on my mantle. It’s a little, short lived, compact experience that burns the candle at both ends. I’d say it’s worth the ten dollar price tag it has in most stores so if you like what you heard then check it out. And as the Kurgan says…

Next Week: Worms 2

Zoe’s (MMO)RPG Corner: World of Warcraft

Hi guys! After my unexpected hiatus, I am back to bitch about bad armor! And what a better place to start than here?

World of Warcraft is a pay-to-play third person fantasy MMORPG and is probably the most popular in a long line of Warcraft games about like, orcs and shit. And everyone has really strong feelings about this game so prepare to be deeply offended by me, I assume.

History and Development

World of Warcraft (WoW) is the really large and sceam-y baby of Blizzard Entertainment, which has also contributed basically every designer for every other MMO featured by me on this blog. It honestly seems like kind of a shit place to work because everyone leaves angry.

Blizzard created the first three games of the Warcraft series, all of which were real-time strategy (RTS) games. Basically there was a lot of plot in those games which I don’t 100% feel like going into but here are the basics as I managed to understand them:

• Orcs and Humans hate each other.
• If you’re an elf, you’re probably sort of an asshole.
• Honestly, they should all go to a non-governmental model because basically every monarch becomes evil or goes crazy or something.
• For some reason, trolls are Jamaican and I bet there’s some weird racism going on there.
• Serious damsel in distress syndrome despite having a “matriarchal race” that isn’t “evil”.

There, now we’re all caught up enough to move on to the rest of this review. Blizzard announced World of Warcraft in 2001 and it came out in 2004. Despite being heralded still as the be-all-end-all archetype for every MMO ever, it kind of was just a game (and also not the first MMO, so everyone calm down about that). The world was designed to be open so players could sort of wander off wherever they wanted to go instead of being stuck in a linear progression.

I never played WoW until last spring. I picked it up because here I am writing a blog about MMO’s and I’d never played what is admittedly the best selling MMORPG in the world. According to Wikipedia, WoW has 7.1 MILLION subscribers as of May of 2015, which is a massive number. Me not playing it was kind of becoming a problem, no matter how cool I looked when I said that I played Warcraft III instead.

So I picked it up. I mean, character creation, vaguely interesting designs, tons of options? Kind of seemed like something I would actually enjoy. And to be perfectly frank, I’d been looking for a reason to try it out. I mean, it’s the kind of game that people are going to judge you for playing AND for not playing so like, it’s hard to decide if you want to start playing just based on poling.

Character Creation

Let’s talk about sexual dimorphism!

This is a biological term that refers to males and females of the same species that look vastly different. IN  real life nature, there are a few of these, though often it’s based purely on coloration rather than body type. In humans and most members of the animal kingdom, this is completely untrue. Human bodies have some sex based differences, but not that much. And I don’t mean sexual organs here. I mean major physical traits like shoulder width.

You know who does have sexual dimorphism? Most of the races in World of Warcraft!

One of these is a troll. The other is a blue human lady with tusks.

I don’t really need to wax poetic about how messed up this is because other people have done it for me, but I do want to just point it out because it makes me super mad.

Moving swiftly forward, the character creator itself isn’t too bad. Races are faction locked and some classes are race locked (and honestly there are a lot of both so I don’t feel like listing all of them) but it’s not too bad. You get enough character slots that you can really kind of go for it in terms of playing different things. I like that.

The creator itself is basic, but that’s not a problem either. I play so many games that are like “Do you want to adjust the size of this character’s nose bridge?” and honestly I really don’t. I don’t really care about a lot of that, unless there are gonna be a ton of cutscenes. Even then, it’s kind of whatever.

But I did get to make myself a blue-skinned ginger troll lady and that was kind of bitchin’, I will not lie to you. Except I still really wish she got more tusks.

Story

I dunno.

If I had a dollar for every time I wrote “I don’t know what the story of this MMO is”, I would be filthy rich.

Now, it’s important to note I refused to pay for WoW and so played it only in the “free until level 20” way. But if one damn person says, “Well the game doesn’t really start until X level,” I will destroy you. If a game doesn’t start until you’re that far into it, or it doesn’t start until max level, or anything like that, it’s a badly designed game. Sticking to my guns on that one.

Here’s what I got for the story:

1. The Alliance and the Horde hate each other for reasons.

Yup. That’s it. There is no 2. That’s really the entire plot line by level 20. If this game starts at level 50, well…too bad.

Sidenote: Wikipedia tells me that the story of WoW is apparently about a disappearing king and some disguised dragon lady, but I have seen none of that. It looks convoluted anyway.

Gameplay

Point. Click. Murder.

Combat is basic. It’s actually hard to talk about the mechanics of this game seeing as it’s kind of the mechanics of A LOT OF GAMES. Here I am actually going to give WoW props for coming up with a lot of things that I look at in other games and go, “It’s stock.” WoW is certainly the Lord of the Rings of MMOs so I’m not going to be pissy bout the controls being boring.

That being said, the controls are boring.

Pretty much the best part of this game for me was being a druid and getting to turn into a cat. I’m pretty sure I was that more than I was anything even vaguely humanoid. That’s a solid mechanic.

I call it “Fluffy”.

The Good

WoW is a solid, basic MMO. It runs on most computers, unless you have something chiseled out of rock (this is huge; my computer is a hunk of overheating junk). They do what they do well, and you gotta give them props on that.

There’s a really solid amount of customization. I like having a lot of classes and races so it’s fun for me to try out new things, and boy oh boy does WoW have that. There’s something for all styles.

Wanna be a giant healing cow? Got you covered. 

The Bad

Now I understand that part of what was going on here was that they were trying to make an open world sandbox-y MMO where you could just go anywhere and do anything, but like, if all a game is is “kill ten wolves” and “get me a shiny stone” and there’s no storyline, I’m not going to be massively invested in it. Not that what they have isn’t good. I do like mindless MMO side quests sometimes, because I get to listen to radio and murder things, but if that’s all it is, I’m not going to be on board.

I just honestly wanted this to have more storyline than it did. If your story starts at max level, I’m not going to hang around for all the hours of grinding to get there.

The Ugly

Tits. On. Skeletons.

Mmm, yeah, lookit them undead boobies.

Also a shitty community, let’s be real. I muted them all on day one and was perfectly happy afterwards, but that sort of saddened me a little. I don’t wanna hide from other gamers.

From here…?

I can’t recommend this game. But I can’t recommend against this game. I’ll be keeping it on my computer (unlike Tera, which I deleted the day my review for it came out). I might even update it and play it sometimes. It’s fun. It’s just not interesting.

I think what I’d tell people to do would be to download the free trial and give it a shot. It deserves a shot at least. It’s not a bad game and I can see why so many people like it. Give it a try. Don’t let people decide for you.

Next Month: DC Universe Online. We’re gonna talk about SUPERHEROES! I LOVE SUPERHEROES!