Battletoads (NES, Amiga, Amiga CD32, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega Megadrive)

Somewhere in space a crack group of cosmic commandos, the Battletoads, are escorting Princess Angelica back to her home planet with Doctor T.Bird piloting their ship, The Vulture. One of the toads, Pimple, takes the princess on a little joyride in his flying car… for some reason. At this point The Dark Queen’s ship, The Gargantua, tractor beams the little car into her ship and whisks them away to Ragnarok’s Planet — I’m gonna assume it’s as tough and awesome as it sounds. When Dr. Bird realizes what’s happened he dispatches the remaining toads, Rash and Zitz, to the planet to execute a daring rescue.

History

Battletoads was developed by Rare and published by Tradewest. The basic idea was to do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the way Rare wants to — oh yeah and sell a helluva lotta merchandise. The game started out as a stock beat ’em up but Rare designers found that to be too generic and as such added more varied mechanics and level types.

Fun Fact: Before they settled on Battletoads, Amphibianz was seriously considered as the title of the game — I’m glad the unnecessary Z made it into Zitz’ name.

Battletoads was released in June of 1991. It’s competition was Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis), Super Mario World (SNES), and Final Fantasy IV (SNES)

Experiences

I can’t begin to express what I find so humorous about the Battletoads Game Store prank. I can’t even explain how it’s a prank. It simply entails someone calling up a Gamestop and ask if they have a copy of Battletoads for purchase — I’ve also heard of a variant for calling up a store and asking for a pre-order for Battletoads II. I just think the concept of calling up a modern game shop and requesting a copy of Battletoads is simply absurd and therefore funny. Something makes it even funnier when you know the employee taking the call — but the clerk my local 3-D Games store would know nothing about that.

Gameplay

For such an old title Battletoads is a shockingly diverse game. At first glance it may seem like a mere beat ’em up but like a magnolia of pain it blossoms into something so much greater and devastating. It’s almost in a league of its own, Battletoads is like Battletoads, it defies analogy — if you put a gun to my head and asked, ‘WHAT GAME IS LIKE THIS GAME’ I’d probably wet myself but after I was done crying I would grudgingly shrug out Earthworm Jim?

From beat up ups, to climbing levels, to racing levels, to dodging levels, this game has got nearly anything you can do on two legs and a jet bike. This being said it’s also so fucking-mothering hard that I only made it to level three. I made it to the infamous jet bike level and only because I warped there from level 1! I couldn’t even beat level 2 legit — I couldn’t penetrate the Wookie Hole if you will. Get your patience, save states, skills, or whatever you got ready because this is the game that defined the term Nintendo Hard.

Seriously, the level is called the Wookie Hole.

The Gush

The music in this game is a marvel of chip-tunes. It creates a rough-and-tumble otherworldly atmosphere that makes me thrilled to go smash some alien scum with my muscly toad body — and get annihilated.

This game might be hard as balls but it’s got some codes and warps to help you through. Nearly every even numbered level has a hidden level warp in it so look them up if a stage is giving you trouble. You can also get some extra lives at the beginning of the game or on Continue screens by hold A, B, down, and then pressing start.

For it’s time and even beyond this game looks fantastic. The colors pop, the shapes and images are recognizable — if a little goofy — and it’s easy on the eyes.

You know who else is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean… She’s going to destroy me, isn’t she?

For a game in which dying is a fact of life I never blamed the controls for a single death. I blamed the design and my own lack of skill a lot but I never thought ‘Why didn’t that work?’ or ‘I was totally pressing down!’

The Kvetch

I’m not exactly certain why our dear toads even have six health points. It seems like almost every attack does either one damage, half, or all of it. I was legit shocked when the pterodactyls from the first level killed me in one hit. With a life lost I crushed the thing and pressed on to be taunted by some healing flies which were now useless.

I’ve got to say, considering you’ll see the game over screen a lot, they’re all pretty funny.

The game has a devilishly good difficulty curve with each level ramping up difficulty until a crescendo if incredibly difficult tasks. This creates a problem however when I die late in a level and have to start the whole thing over again. Playing through the sort of ‘training’ parts repeatedly are really boring, mainly because…

… this game relies a lot on rote memorization. Things will ambush you, the speeder bike levels eventually turn into ‘do you remember the pattern?’, and there’s no recourse but to die and try to remember it for next time. It’s about as fun as a game of Simon and just as rewarding.

The Verdict

I’ve got to say that in my estimation this game is tooooooo hard for me. Call me a filthy casual who needs to git gud if you must but I’m just not a huge fan. If you want to own a copy of hard videogame history then Battletoads is actually a shockingly painless purchase. It’s on Amazon new for a mere 31 dollars, which might be pricey for an NES game but considering the insane collectible value of games I’ve been reviewing lately it seems like a breath of fresh air. If the concept of playing or beating a game that made me turn back — and I’m a guy who beat Bubsy — then give it a whirl!

Next Week: Little Inferno

Sponsored Post Sponsored Post Menu More Info Learn from the experts: Create a successful blog with our brand new courseThe WordPress.com Blog

WordPress.com is excited to announce our newest offering: a course just for beginning bloggers where you’ll learn everything you need to know about blogging from the most trusted experts in the industry. We have helped millions of blogs get up and running, we know what works, and we want you to to know everything we know. This course provides all the fundamental skills and inspiration you need to get your blog started, an interactive community forum, and content updated annually.

Register now

Nuclear Throne (PC, Mac, Linux, PS4, PS Vita, and XBox One)

Round the campfire the mutants and monsters eat, drink, sing, and prepare. All of them wondering how they became what they are, what to do next, and if they’re dreams and nightmares of the Nuclear Throne are real. The path may be clear but the course is dangerous. If they wish they could fight they’re way through the bandits, monsters, awakened constructs, and the Inter-Dimensional Police Department (I.D.P.D. for short) with their trusty revolver and any other weapon they can scavenge to reach the Nuclear Throne.

History

Nuclear Throne was created by Vlambeer, a Dutch independent game studio, and designed by Jan Willem Nijman and Rami Ismail. Vlambeer advertised and received critiques through streaming services like Twitch on a bi-weekly basis during development. It was originally released on Steam’s Early Access service releasing updates on a regular basis until they created a product they were satisfied with.

Nuclear Throne entered Steam’s Early Access in October of 2013 and was released on December 5th, 2015. It’s competition was Fallout 4 (PC, XBox One, and PS4), Star Wars Battlefront (PC, PS4, and XBox One), and Mordheim: City of the Damned.

Experiences

In a stroke of absolute brilliance when you select a random character, die, and restart the game you’ll restart as a random character again. As such, I generally tend to play this way, experiencing something totally new every run, for about 40 minutes. The weirdest part is that it feels like I’ve been playing for a giant, knock out, slobber-knocker of a session but an episode of Gotham hasn’t even passed by the time I’m ready to move onto something else. In short, this game packs a seriously fun and frantic punch.

Look at this motley crew. Gotta play them all, at least I do.

Gameplay

Nuclear Throne is a 2-D, isometric, top-down, shooter, Roguelike. You play as one of a myriad selection of mutants who each have a special passive and active ability — Fish for instance collects more ammunition from pickups and can execute a sweet dodge roll.

Each level contains chests filled with ammo or new weapons to outfit the character — or leave behind if they’re garbage. Oh yeah and enemies, levels contain enemies. Once you defeat them all — whether you’ve opened all the chests and gotten all the goodies or not — a portal will open up nearby and pull you in to take you to the next level. In short, you spend a lot of time trying not to die and killing enemies — and usually failing.

The player can also pick up little uranium rod looking things. Once a character gets enough they level up and can acquire a mutation. You pick it between levels but only get to choose one of four out of a pool of 29 total possible mutations. So it’s important to try to pick mutations that mesh with the character’s abilities — or at least pick the best of the worst… I’m looking at you Hammerhead.

Also, the Robot character updates instead of mutating which I find amusing.

The Gush

I’m amazed at how much flavor Vlambeer instilled in each character with their visual design, some mumbling gurgles, and dialogue in between stages. From Fish’s ‘gills on my neck’ quote to Eyes’ frenzied mumbles — he’s covered in eyes, not mouths — I created an idea of what they’re like on the battlefield or around the campfire. My personal favorite is the local gun god Young Venuz, a floating Illuminati eye who converses in beatbox noises and makes it rain around the campground.

I mean, who am I to disagree with the game.

Nuclear Throne does a great job of being intuitively designed and yet guiding the player into deeper mechanics of the game. From teaching the player about super chests with the loading screen tips or teaching the player how to activate the Nuclear Crown portals with its visual design.

The difficulty curve of this game is nearly perfect. Even as enemies and bosses get tougher I learn enough in the interim to be consistently challenged but never left in the dark.

Holy shit, this soundtrack. From rollicking adventurous feelings of the opening theme and wasteland theme to the eerie ‘I shouldn’t be here’ feelings of the Frozen City it’s all made with purpose and intent. I bought this soundtrack for a reason.

The Kvetch

This game is a Roguelike and as such it’s harder than Crystal’s Rhyno Skin hide. Not to say that I don’t like it, just to say that it might be a turn-off.

The game has a difficult time clarifying where wall borders are and sometimes enemies will effectively hide underneath or behind map terrain because of the games’ perspective. I can’t tell you how much ammunition I’ve wasted shooting walls that I thought the shot would clear.

You see that corpse to the lower right of the cursor, you might not when the pressure’s on.

There’s a screen shake function and I don’t know why. If you want to take a trip to Barfsville then you’re welcome to play with it on.

The Verdict

If any of this remotely interested you then I suggest picking this game up. Its full retail price is 12 dollars and that’s a steal for such a purely joyous game. It’s absolute gun-based chaos and I love it!

Next Week: Battletoads

The Dark Tower Series (For books and audio books across the multiverse everywhere)

‘The Man in Black fled across the desert and the Gunslinger followed.’ I’ve heard that it’s the greatest line Stephen King ever wrote and even if you disagree you’ve got to admit that it’s up there — and it makes a helluva opening line. It tells so much about the story without saying anything. It would usher an anthology of seven books pushing forward, a little rocky at times, until it reached its terminus — not unlike The Gunslinger’s journey toward The Dark Tower itself.

Hear the tale of the last Gunslinger, Roland, as he makes his ways to the locus of reality, The Dark Tower, to save it and us from grizzly destruction.

History

The Dark Tower is a series of books written by Stephen King with the first being published in 1982 and the last being published in 2004 — not including the spin-off book The Dark Tower: The Wind Through the Keyhole which was published in 2012. He originally saw the stories as being too niche for a widespread audience but later released them in mass-market formats. He would also return to revise The Gunslinger after having finished the final installment to tweak Roland’s dialogue to better match the voice King had for him by the end of the story.

The Dark Tower also has a series of — not required but appreciated — spin offs including comic books and even a text based game, Discordia, which can be played for free on King’s website.

The release dates of the Dark Tower Series books are as follows.

1. The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger (1982)
2. The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three (1987)
3. The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands (1991)
4. The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass (1997) 
5. The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla (2003)
6. The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah (2004)
7. The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower (2004)
8. The Dark Tower: The Wind Through the Keyhole (2012)

Experiences

As the years draw on I find it more and more difficult to relate to my older relatives. Between the relentless march of technology and the many ways our world moves on I find I share less and less with them. Culture is losing its touchstones — not everyone reads To Kill a Mockingbird anymore and so on. And so it becomes more and more important, in my mind, to seek additional and yet hold on to the ones I have. My Father and I read this series in Tandem starting when I was 16. He always one book ahead and me one behind. We will always have our conversations about the journey of Roland and his friends, we will always have this between us

Plot

The Map of Mid-World. It’s hard to see without knowing but Roland’s path is on it.

Alright, time for a super short, nearly spoiler free summary that tells ya’ll everything you need to know. Roland is a Gunslinger descended from a long line of pseudo-Arthurian knights — but with guns — who have kept the world safe for generations. In his quest for The tower he acquires companions by a myriad of mystical means who are Susannah, a legless black woman with a schizophrenia fueled temper, Eddie Dean, a silver-tongued lanky guy, Jake, a tweenish boy — who under rules of the Stephen King character game is legally obliged to have mild psychic abilities — and last but certainly not least, a dog/squirrel hybrid creature named Oy who can speak a broken kind of english. All of whom, save Oy, are from New York City but from different points in time.

They’ve all gotta gallivant to the Dark Tower and they’d best do it on the quick because an evil emperor calling himself the Crimson King means to destroy it and along with it shatter all of reality and all of the other realities that have, will, or are currently in existence. In short, shit be wack and these guys gotta fix it.

I mean, this thing just breaths importance.

Themes

Since humans have questioned the existence of a divine power I think they’ve questioned whether there is such a thing as fate. Mid-World is a place in which fate truly exists and its name is Ka. Scholars, in the story, have spent centuries learning about its rules and how to influence it and for the large part their methods seem more scientific than not. Yielding results from their lifetimes of experiences, passed on to Roland. It creates a story of stories in which coincidence and heroic achievement are sort of built in qualities to Mid-World.

The Dark Tower also is part of King’s expansive canon. All of his books contribute to this story in some small way — and a few very large ones — and as such our world is one that Roland and his friends occasionally visit. Mid-World is a mystical place but even so it occasionally must ask aid of its technological sister planet, Earth.

The Gush

Mid-World has a wonderful sort of slang language to it. With such terms as Ka-Mai — meaning Ka’s fool — or how they use Sai as a suffix of respect in the same way we might use sir or madam. It makes the world come alive with centuries of linguistic history.

There are so many mystical and I would dare say whimsical — though dark — moments in the story that have almost nothing to do with the quest for the Tower. The one that sticks out in my mind is a rippling of the worlds in which a series of mutants come from portals out of Mid-World into ours to die in a world that has not moved on. They all just sort of scamper off but King goes into great detail into the nature of their mutations and how Roland and Eddie respond to their incursion.

Some darker than others.

I love all of Roland’s companions, most more than I care for Roland himself — not gonna lie, Roland can be really stick in the mud boring (Eddie goes as far to refer to him as Tall, Grey, and Ugly when Eddie is upset with him) — but Roland never fails to surround himself with colorful characters, no matter the setting. My favorite of which being…

Two Words, Eddie Dean. My favorite of Roland’s colleague’s, without a doubt, is the fast-talking, wood carving, shaggy haired New Yorker by the name of Eddie Dean. He’s introduced to the Gunslinger as a slave to the demon Heroin. Described by his brother, the eminent junkie Henry Dean, as ‘being able to talk the devil into lighting himself on fire’. Despite being the slowest on the draw of Roland’s companions he’s the only one who has a confirmed kill with a dead baby joke.

The Kvetch

This series suffers from big dumb ending syndrome. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love it. But in my mind there’s a giant botch right before it where King breaks the 4th wall and pleads the reader to stop. To let the brutal weight of the true ending’s implications remain unknown. I’m not sure if it’s a genuine warning — in which case, don’t worry Mr. King, I’m a big boy, I can handle it — or if it’s some sort of jeering taunt like, ‘I could barely handle writing it, you probably can’t handle reading it.’ No matter what, it rubbed me the wrong way.

The Wizard and Glass is a book that, when rereading the series, I generally skip, preferring to read an abridged summary. I absolutely do not suggest dismissing it, there are parts of its story that are vital to understanding who Roland is. But I find it to be the definite weakest part of the series.

The Verdict

I’m a pretty big fan of this work and would definitely recommend reading it from beginning to end. If you’re not a big fan of King’s stuff I’ve known others who have similar tastes but find this series to be the exception. So, head on down to Amazon or your local book store and pick ’em up, they’re like 10 bucks apiece. Alternatively you can track down some hard cover versions with full illustrations and soil your choice of garment with glee at the quality of the art.

Next Week: Nuclear Throne

Monster Rancher 2 (PS1)

More monsters and less plot this week. You play as a faceless monster trainer who wants to be the VERY BEST like no one ever was. With his faithful assistant Colt he or she will put their monster on a strict — or lax — training regimen and face other monsters in tournaments or in the wilds until it’s you vs the Champ.

History

Monster Rancher 2 was made by Tecmo and based on a semi-popular anime cartoon… and that’s basically all I know about it. The show was pretty well received. Its story about a group of adventurers who need to defeat the monster emperor Moo by finding the Phoenix monster who will resurrect all of the monsters Moo has destroyed. That being said, the Monster Rancher Cartoon is only vaguely related to the anime series. The monsters are the same but the plot is absolutely not. Now the world is a Pokemon level of nonsense world where monsters duke it out for human entertainment.

Monster Rancher 2 was released on February 29th, 1999. It’s competition was Final Fantasy VIII (PS1), Silent Hill (PS1), and Pokemon Snap (N64).

Experiences

Zuum concept art

The monster that I remember training the most was a Zuum who’s name has been lost to my memory. The little green bastard was born with a love for fighting — seriously his like from week 1 was fighting. This raptor was tenacious, hit like a truck, but couldn’t take a hit. He was a glass cannon with grit —  he actually had a hidden trait that could allow him to endure a knock out blow with 1 hp. One tourney he got knocked out and suffered an injury, the injury was deemed a serious one but came back in a mere 2 weeks. He was tuckered as hell but one week of rest later he demanded to go to the tourney next week. I sent him back out and he was absolutely joyful to be back in the action, I was terrified he would aggravate his injury again. In the course of the tourney he took revenge on the monster who broke him by knocking him out in return. The whole thing was like a great Pro-Wrestling story-line and totally emergent.

Gameplay

Monster Rancher 2 is a variant of the Life Simulator type game. The game is split between monster acquisition, training, and battling. Acquisition is a simple affair you can “buy” them from the market which sells the regulars and one seasonal monster with average stats. Or you can go to the temple and summon one from a disk by using your real life CDs. Summoned monsters tend to have more erratic stats and genetic combinations. Also in town you can freeze your older monsters and combine them together, sharing stats, and unlocking more advanced techniques they’ve learned.

Once you’ve got your monster you can pet him, love him, call him George and take him to your ranch at which point the training begins. Training consists of feeding it the right foods, giving it useful items, having it perform drills, and letting it rest. You can also, at a significant cost, send it on a month-long wilderness training excursion. You might not want to open up with this option though as the more your monster fails the more likely they’ll get hurt but… it is their only way to learn new techniques.

Monsters will also occasionally make demands of you, decline and you run the risk of disappointing them.

When its stats and loyalty are high enough it’s time to send it to a tournament. There it will face opponents of roughly similar strength in either a round robin or single elimination format. You can give it orders yourself or let it command the fight on its own. During a battle your monster will generate guts which it can use to attack its opponent with techniques that are segmented off by its distance from the enemy. If your monster’s loyalty is too low then it’ll waste the guts and try to get some yuks from the crowd or taunt the enemy, leaving it open to attack. Come out on top and you’ll get some money with a little extra for every opponent you knocked out or an item prize.

The arena designs might be simple but sometimes the camera has sweet action shots.

The Gush

The monster designs are simply cool. Every one of them has a pure form but also has a pallet swap when its combined with another monster which can lead to some impressively awesome or silly looking creatures.

I don’t know what this thing is but it’s absurd and badass all at once.

Every monster is also pretty expressive, especially for late 90s creatures. They all have animations for showing off their happiness, displeasure, apology, and other feelings. Learning your monsters tells is also a great way to earn its loyalty… and it’s fun.

RANDOM EVENT! This game has them. From expeditions to foreign lands or a sale at the store for a rainy month. It’ll pay for you to be vigilant and keep your monster in top form whenever possible. You never know when you’ll be called on for something special or limited.

The Kvetch

This game’s translation and localization really holds it back. You’re gonna need a guide to figure out what item descriptions are supposed to be indicating. I was totally lost in some conversations, especially way back in the day.

Actually, you’ll need a guide for everything in this game. There are a lot of hidden statistics and other mechanics that aren’t really hinted at by the game. From a monsters good/evil rating to their guts production or fat/thinness even monster unlocking mechanics are made secret to the player.

WHAT IS ALL THIS MESS?! WITHERING?! SHARPNESS?!

Oh yeah, you don’t start with the ability to train every monster. You can’t even have these locked monsters as a subtype of another monster. Worse yet, the game never explains this when you summon a monster from a CD it makes it seem like the CD has no relevant data on it. Let me clarify that every disk has a monster on it. If the disk doesn’t function, that’s one thing, but if the game says they can’t give you the monster then try again after you’ve reached a certain rank or won a certain event. But considering they don’t tell you that you’ve unlocked something it’s really a lot of guessing and checking.

The Verdict

I don’t know how you’re gonna get a hold of this one but if you can find a copy at your local pawn shop or flea market then I suggest you get it. It goes on Amazon for 25-180 dollars so unless you have a time machine it’s gonna be hard to come by.

Next Week: The Dark Tower

Azure Dreams (PS1)

Deep in the desert there lies an ancient and mystic tower. It is the only place where fabled monster eggs can be found, though monsters themselves can be found across the world. Monsters can only be raised by the first person they see when they’re hatched. Where there are strange creatures someone will want them. Where there’s a want it can be bought. Where there’s a buyer, there’s a seller. At the foot of the tower a city began to form and grow, Monsbaiya, made up of or supporting those who would brave the tower in search of the precious eggs and other loot.

Your father was one of these monster tamers and egg hunters. He would brave the tower hoping to some day reach its peak. When you turned five he left like any other day but something was different, there was an electricity in the air. The hours passed on, longer than he’d ever explored the tower’s paths. Clouds loomed over Monsbaiya laden with rain and crackling with thunder. With a peal of the storm’s lightning magical rays erupted from the tower’s crown scorching the desert — and scaring the hell out of everyone. No sooner had that ended a great seal overcame the tower’s top and with a great din the rain began. His monster came back but your father never did.

Ten years pass and your 15, of age to enter the tower. Your father’s fortune is all but spent. Monsbaiya, your family, and your life rest on your ability to master the tricks and traps of the tower of monsters. Climb to the tower’s summit like your father before you and see the Azure Dreams above the clouds.

History

I’ll concede, the only reason the introduction is so long is because I’ve got nothing here. Seriously, all I know is that this game was made by Konami. It might have been made by aliens and left on Konami’s doorstep for all I know.

Oh yeah, and there’s a gameboy De-make. It’s alright.

Azure Dreams was released on June 30th, 1998. It’s competition was Banjo-Kazooie (Nintendo 64), Megaman Legends (PS1), and Fallout 2 (PC).

Experiences

I mentioned that this game was made by Konami for the PS1 and anyone who was playing Konami games can see where this is going. For those who don’t, let me explain. Metal Gear Solid is another Konami game for the PS1 and it’s — more well known and better made, I mean — got a villain in it by the name of Psycho Mantis. This creep floats around and claims to be able to control your mind. As a demonstration of his power he reads your thoughts and can tell you what games you love based on the data on your memory card. Imagine if you will, little Renald at his Playstation in the dark late on a Friday night and Mantis hisses, “You like Azure Dreams, don’t you?” It blew my goddam mind and scared the hell out of me.

Gameplay

Azure Dreams is a turn-based, RPG, dungeon crawler, semi-roguelike with town building and dating simulator elements. Most of the gameplay is focused at the tower exploring its mysteries. The rules are simple and yet restricting. Whenever you enter the tower your level gets chopped to level one, but the levels of your monsters remain unchanged. Well, at least you can bring a bunch of monsters and your best sword/wand and shield… except the tower dislikes the greedy. The doors will only open if you have five or fewer items with them — and monsters count as items. And finally the floor of the tower changes every time you enter, so the challenge is never the same.

It should come as no surprise that the tower is filled with monsters. They are innumerable and will destroy you if they can. Have no fear of death though, your father’s spell preserves your life should you fall but you’ll be picked clean before you reach home — your monsters are still safe though.

When you’re not in the tower you can explore the town. Maybe buy some things for your home or start some building projects with a visit to the carpenter’s. You can improve and build many buildings in town beside your own, raising the town’s respect for you and improving the attitudes of potential suitors — but we’ll get to the ladies of Monsbaiya later. These buildings can unlock minigames and add flavor to the world.

You’ll also see this jerk around a lot so get used to seeing him… and humiliating him.

The Gush

There are quite the variety of strange and deadly monsters and they all have interesting abilities. From the Picket’s thievery to the Clown’s DeLevel spell and sinister visage. My favorite though, by far, is the Troll and his tool use. These little guys have got a makeshift society going and have learned to craft finely made weapons. These little bastards are rare but if you can tame one then you’ll be able to equip him with any troll tools you find from clubs to swords to a goddam crossbow.

They’re all great, quite frankly.

The character art for this game is fantastic. Prominent NPCs have character portraits in dialogue with different variations to reflect their attitude or emotional state. There’s nothing like frustrating Ghosh and being able to see the look on his big dumb face.

I adore the music in this game. Every time I enter the tower and hear its familiar tune I’m filled with an adventurous spirit. As I climb higher and higher the music grows more intense and sinister as the danger grows and the tension builds. It’s clear to see how each variation is built on the same theme but warped in some way to suit the feeling its meant to inspire in the player.

Building up the town up is fun and rewarding in a sort of pure way. Most of the projects don’t improve your odds in the tower — if it does then I’m unaware — but I still want to make Monsbaiya better than its ever been. Some of the building’s unlock minigames like bowling or horse racing. Others, like rebuilding your family estate or helping your friend fulfill his dream of performing on stage by building a theater, have purely narrative results. And of course there’s the casino where I always lose my shirt.

Always bet on black my foot.

The Kvetch

There’s a dark side to the town building though. There’s a romance system in this game with a total of seven possible options ranging from the book worm to an exotic dancer. Each one responds positively to different projects — the book worm doesn’t even appear until you build the library for instance. The thing that skeeves me out though is the emotionally manipulative tactics you have to employ to romance them. Seriously, if you don’t trick them into loving you then they get upset because you don’t care enough. They even fight over the sheer privilege of waking you up each morning, trying to elbow each other out of the way until there’s only one remaining. If you fix the swimming pool then you can even see them there bikini clad with brand new character art — as if you say, ‘you done good kid, here’s the swimsuit issue. The real problem comes in the matter of age. The main character is 15, the dancer is 21, but all the others are 17 or younger. One of them is 15, and this game has the gall to ‘treat’ you to a bikini pin-up of this child. Bluuuugh.

The ‘right’ answer is not that she saved you because you’re both humans but because she loves you, of course.

Most interactions are blocked off by binary choice dialogue in which you have to say what the other person wants to hear. A series of 50/50 near guesses until you get the right conclusion. I’m also lead to believe that everyone in Monsbaiya has a short-term memory problem because, for the most part, if you fail one of these dialogue encounters you can start it over the next day and they act like nothing happened.

The early game can be a real grind and even openly hostile to new players. As you pray to RNJesus for some decent monster eggs and other good drops you’ll have to throw in prayers for finding an item to allow you to leave the tower with your loot. This is a guide game. Look up an FAQ because this game won’t explain how monster combat and monster MP management works, how to use a wind crystal to leave the tower, or what certain items even do.

The poor translation really doesn’t help here. But it is hilarious.

Also, fuck rust traps.

The Verdict

I love this game with all my heart but sadly the cheapest I could find it was for $60 off of some used game website and it goes for $220 new on Amazon. It might be good but it’s not worth either of those price tags and it doesn’t look like it’s coming to any virtual console very soon… or ever.

Next Week: Monster Rancher 2

Earthworm Jim 2 (SNES, Sega Genesis, PS1, Sega Saturn, and PC)

If you finished Earthworm Jim  — on normal difficulty or higher, you get something more insulting and hilarious on easy — then you know that Jim blew his date with Princess What’s-Her-Name. After this blow to his ego, but not long after, the brutal mercenary Psycrow kidnaps the princess and plans to marry her in the Lost Vegas System. You see, the final boss of the first game was Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt who was the sister of Princess What’s-Her-Name and in her absence the Princess is the rightful heir. As such, if Psycrow can marry her then he becomes the King of Insectica! With all those riches and soldiers at his disposal he could easily… do… something… incredibly nefarious.

Jim boards his trusty pocket rocket and races across the galaxy to face his rival and save the love of his life. Run, jump, float, shoot, use Jim’s head as a whip, and face against the titans of the universe to reach Lost Vegas in time!

History

Earthworm Jim was developed by Shiny Entertainment and developed by David Perry and Doug TenNapel. You might know them as the guys who made MDK, Sacrifice, and The Matrix: Path of Neo. You might also know Doug TenNapel as an ultra-conservative christian who opposes gay marriage. Which is to say that if that’s an idea that you oppose and if the idea of buying something that will get him money displeases you then perhaps you’d best buy Earthworm Jim 2 used.

Earthworm Jim 2 was released on December 22nd, 1995. Its competition was Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness (PC), Final Fight 3 (SNES), and Megaman X3 (SNES).

Experiences

This game is one that inspires wonder in the player. Every level has something bizarre and new. It’s a cavalcade of the strange and unique from the Boss being a goldfish or the level having a unique mechanic. The only thing that gets recycled is the music, and only in two stages. It can be a little overwhelming actually. It seems like the rules are always changing but mastering each level has its own merit and enjoyment.

One level you’re running around and then you’re a blind salamander floating around an intestinal track. You literally never know what’s next.

Gameplay

Earthworm Jim 2 is a 2-D platfomer shooter — most of the time — with extremely silly elements. You play as Jim the lucky Annelid who slithered into a super suit and pledged himself to justice and Princess What’s-Her-Name’s heart. He punishes evil with his sweet red laser hand-cannon and throwing his own head like a whip — certain enemies are susceptible to certain attacks to try to mix it up in combat.

The things that come between you and victory are as varied as the planets in the cosmos. From blunderbuss wielding squid-billies and giant ants to giant sentient filing cabinets anything and everything can and will stand between Jim and the end of a level. Many of which end in boss fights that further mix up the rules and serve to challenge and baffle.

In what other game would you face a giant unicycle riding pupa?

For as many things as will harm Jim there are just as many things in each stage that will assist him. From health atoms, fire cores, or Jim’s favorite sandwich these things will keep Jim’s health up. Jim’s gun is now equipped to load various kinds of ammunition in addition to standard and super shots. Scattered and hidden in each stage are multi-guns, homing lasers, and the bubble gun!

Fucking Bubble Gun

Quite possibly the most important of them all are the Earth, Worm, and Jim flags which will allow you to warp to that level in the event of a Game Over. Using this warp however deprives Jim of any weapons or health bonuses from previous levels. So… get out there, kick some ass, and try not to die.

The Gush

Jim’s helicopter spin has been replaced with the Snott-chute and the whip grab has been replaced with the Snott-shot. These are named after Jim’s buddy Snott, the amorphous, green, feller who lives in his backpack and got Jim the suit in the first place. These moves are both more elegant — read forgiving, they make Jim look elegant — and much easier to perform. Gone are the days of frantically smashing the B button to decrease Jim’s descent speed — if it worked.

New weapons! And the ability to swap between them. Jim is no longer limited to his normal shots and powershots, nor is he locked into powershots if they’re available. The player can now cycle through ammo types one at a time until they find the right tool for the job. It can be a little hectic in the midst of battle trying to get the right weapon ready.

I mean, you might accidentally select the Bubble Gun.

Although I’m not confident in saying that it’s better than the original’s the music in this game is quite good. It’ll keep the player humming familiar tunes for weeks after they’ve put the game down. And if they pick it up again the tunes will rush back.

The Kvetch

This game is looong. Actually, it’s not that the game is long necessarily, it’s more that each level is just a little too long. They all outstay their welcome, in my estimation. I actually got lost in some stages and was more than a little frustrated.

This game is haaard. It’s not as difficult as the first — which I’m thankful for — but it’s still a game I have gotten so close to finishing and yet have not. Three lives, one continue, and the passwords that you have to unlock in each stage are just not quite enough to make it. I’d have to say that it’s almost the variety of the game that works against it. Every level is unique and as such the player has to learn new skills with every stage.

You’d best hone your old lady dodging skills and then immediately forget them because this crap never comes back.

I’m just gonna say it, there’s a stage where Jim has to bounce adorable puppies through the air into a dog-house. That probably sounds great but the problem comes into play when Jim fails — and by extension, the player. When a puppy hits the pavement he explodes into a shower of yellow juice and makes an absolutely soul-crushing, vomit-inducing, disgusting noise. It’s almost downright disturbing and it’s a stage that gets reused 4 times, as it’s the Andy Asteroids replacement.

The Verdict

If you’re the sort of person who loved Ren and Stimpy but missed this game then I suggest picking it up. It goes for $20 on Steam as part of the Earthworm Jim bundle that includes the first game and Earthworm Jim 3-D. Alternatively, it’s possible to acquire a cartridge or disc for classic systems on Amazon and other sites for around $24.

Next Week: Azure Dreams

Don’t Starve (iOS, Linux, PC, Mac, PS3, PS4, PS Vita, Wii U, XBox One, and that ramshackle contraption you made out of your microwave and root vegetables.)

Wilson is your average every day gentleman scientist with great aspirations in his steampunk era. One day, after several unsuccessful experiments his gramophone begins speaking to him — a not too uncommon experience apparently. It teaches Wilson how to make a bizarre machine and start doing some real science! Hesitant to activate it, but coerced by the forceful voice, Wilson turns on the bizarre device. A portal opens to a strange world and living shadows erupt, dragging him in. Thrust into this new place, similar to our own, he must find the man behind the voice and figure out how to get back home. But first things first, Don’t Starve.

History

Don’t Starve was developed and published by Klei Entertainment. You might know them as the creators of Shank, Shank 2, and Mark of the Ninja. Don’t Starve started as a 48 hour game jam in 2010 but development didn’t hit full swing until after the release of Mark of the Ninja in 2012. Capitalizing on the success of games like Minecraft, Klei endeavored to take an exploration game in a far darker direction. As such, there is an end-state to the game but no powerful indication of how to find it.

Fun Fact: Despite being adamantly against it Klei compromised the lonely atmosphere somewhat with Don’t Starve Together. Which allows you to get fangoriously devoured alongside your friends!

It Might compromise the principals of the game but IT’S FUN!

Don’t Starve was released on April 23rd, 2013. It’s competition was BattleBlock Theater (XBLA), Monaco: What’s Yours is Mine (PC), and Fez (PC).

Experiences

My experience with Don’t Starve is one of sheer wonder and discovery. Like Wilson himself I’m just experimenting over here and trying to figure things out, wiki be damned. Every time I play — and don’t get ganked by zealous spiders — I discover something new and work my way toward building an item I’ve never used before or finding something new. I like to figure things out on my own but if I’m totally stumped there’s a well maintained wiki to enlighten me. What happens when I eat this mushroom? What does this dapper top-hat do? How does this character’s abilities impact play? What exactly is the win-state and how do I reach it? All these questions can be answered with a click and the willingness to accidentally screw up.

Gameplay

Don’t Starve is a 3rd person, 2.5 dimensional, exploration, resource gathering, and survival based roguelike. Or in human terms, you run around, try not to die, find cool stuff, and if you do die then you gotta start the whole game over — so try not to do that. I wish I could say more but that’s basically it. You control your character with the mouse and make them pick things up, put things down, fight monsters, or craft things. The things you craft make you more efficient at getting more things and fighting more monsters.

And there are many monsters to fight.

The three main stats are Health, Hunger, and Sanity. Running out of Hunger will drain your health. Running out of sanity will make… um… your environment more hostile among other things. And running out of Health makes you die — duh. Monsters drain sanity pretty slowly so the mere act of fighting them can be dangerous, then again there are benefits to going insane — like killing Beardlings and getting that sweet beard hair.

Or the shadow monsters could kill you — it’s a toss up really.

If you’re looking for the win-state then exploration will be key — I mean, you never know what you’ll find out there. The items required can only be found by going out on the road and searching abroad. This means setting up several camps and not overextending yourself. Seasonal changes like Winter and Summer can make these excursions very difficult and it’s unpleasant to get caught away from your main camp in the dead of Winter.

The Gush

The characterization is incredibly strong for such a setting, lack of voice acting, and limited design space. Each character has their appearance, lines of dialogue, a couple of abilities, and an instrument’s music for a voice. And I feel so interested in them and their personal stories — except Wes, that mime can burn for all I care. Everything about them lends to their character and it’s not difficult to see what these characters are like.

Wilson’s well informed and dead-pan style are clearly evident in his speech and voice.

There aren’t many tracks of music but they all stand out and are extremely memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘night is coming’ ditty and the main theme for the game is a piece of thematic perfection. When I think of Don’t Starve that theme starts in my head, when that theme starts in my head I think of Don’t Starve. The game is just the song in game form and the song is the game in musical form.

There are 290+ unique items in this game and most of them can be cooked, smashed, burned, refined, or crafted into something else. The thought of doing all this SCIENCE excites me!

The Kvetch

Call me a filthy casual if you must but I wish there was a way that I didn’t have to start over every time I died. Maybe some sort of training mode or something where it saves each day and they put a diaper on my character or something because I’m such a baby. I want to get further than day 10 but I just keep dying during experiments with things like starting a fight with a beefalo or trying to get some frog meat from the FOUS-es (Frogs of unusual size). I could try to make all sorts of nifty weapons and armors but I just wanna fight a pig-man or something. TLDR: GAME IS HARD WAAAAAH!

This is Willow. Whenever I get salty I play her and burn everything in sight.

Holy bad spawns gentle-fops. It’s totally possible to start in a location with no access to gold, without which it’s impossible to build a basic science machine and therefore build anything else in the game. I’ve traveled for two days before I was able to find one, picking up carrots and berries as I went to sustain myself. That’s two days fewer I had to prepare for a wolf attack or something similarly miserable.

Also, look out for the Krampus.

The Verdict

Minecraft not scratching the itch anymore? Want something a little more grim? Something more sinister that will truly put your planning, explorationg, and fortunes to the test? Then make a $15 shaped hole in your life and fill it with Don’t Starve! And if you can dupe — I mean convince — some poor sap — I mean good friend — you can get in on Don’t Starve Together for another $15$. Both being prices that I find to be equitable.

Next Week: Earthworm Jim 2

Bioshock Infinite (PC, Mac, Linux, PS3, XBox 360)

The year is 1912, one year after Andrew Ryan was born. You play as Booker DeWitt a particularly hard-boiled former Pinkerton agent and current private investigator with a past that weighs on his conscience and his wallet. He’s got a job that’s taking him all the way to Columbia, a city above the clouds. His task is simple, find a particular girl and bring her unharmed back to New York City, but if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. Welcome to Columbia! A city of wonders, industrial and scientific, built on the backs of poor unfortunate souls. Bring them the girl and wipe away the debt.

History

Bioshock Infinite was created by 2K games and directed by Ken Levine.  It runs on a heavily modified Unreal Engine 3 with everything built from scratch, nothing was recycled from previous Bioshock Titles. The player-character, DeWitt, was given a voice and is the only Bioshock protagonist to have one. This was implemented so that DeWitt and Elizabeth — the girl what will wipe away his debt — could have a more emotional bond (Drawing inspiration from the awkwardness in Half Life 2’s player character silence when dealing with his companion characters).

Not all was well in the land of the 2K however. Before release several members of Levine’s studio, Irrational Games,  were relieved and their positions were filled by others. In addition many vigors, enemies, weapons, and other assets had to be cut to meet the deadline. On a brighter note however Infinite did not use DRM systems that interfered with the game experience.

Bioshock Infinite was released on March 26, 2013. It’s competition was Starcraft II: Heart of the Swarm (PC), Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon (3DS), and Tomb Raider (PC, PS3, XBox 360).

Experiences

Elizabeth is a marvelously well rounded character. She becomes the focal point of the entire game. I persevered and kept going to see what would become of her and what she was thinking, DeWitt only seemed accessory in comparison. The guy who had to tote the gun, because we needed someone’s innocence to be lost and it wasn’t gonna be DeWitt’s. DeWitt’s also not very witty, he constantly needs Elizabeth to pick locks, find supplies, help him out, and explain science to him. Elizabeth is an escort character who pulls her weight and keeps me constantly interested in her plights, emotional situation, and combat aptitude.

Holy hell! A non-combat AI companion who’s helpful and interesting?! Lightning has struck twice.

Gameplay

Despite being in a different setting the gameplay is shockingly similar to the adventures through Rapture. Bioshock Infinite is a first person shooter where Booker shoots the people and goes to the places where the plot continues. There are some minor differences however. DeWitt has a health, EVE — I mean salts, and a shield meter. When his shield gets broken he’ll begin taking actual health damage but has an incredibly large health pool — those Pinkertons are tough, I suppose… tougher than a Big Daddy even.  Booker also hijacks a Skyhook pretty quickly which allows him to ride Columbia’s rail-car system and traverse great distances very quickly. Things grow more complex when Elizabeth gets introduced into the equation. The mysterious girl has the ability to reveal and open tears into alternate realities. This allows her to provide cover, allies, weapons, money, and all sorts of resources to keep Booker in the fight.

The Gush

Elizabeth has a jailer and a guardian known only as Songbird. The tenacious machine-man hybrid will do whatever it takes to keep Elizabeth safe… mostly from you and mostly by destroying things. But there is a scene where DeWitt gets to fight alongside Songbird and it’s the first time the player ends up in the Little Sister position in the Big Daddy/ Little Sister relationship.

Just some size comparison there. Songbird is huge, dangerous, frightening, and astonishingly sweet.

I absolutely adore the Lutece twins. These guys bring DeWitt to Columbia and guide him throughout the story, teleporting wherever they’re needed. Their antics always serve as an entertaining and informative experience, one that explains aspects of the game, complex scientific subjects, and the world of the story.

I’m curious what bet he lost to have to wear that sign.

The Kvetch

Vigors are dumb. They’re in the game simply because plasmids were in the other two. The plasmids were an integral part of Rapture’s setting that represented corruption, greed, and addiction in a sleek gene altering package. They show off how Ryan’s lack of fetters may have doomed the city he built. Vigors do… cool attacks on the bad men. There’s no allusion to Vigor abuse or even an explanation for their invention besides Columbia found a tear to Rapture and took that shit. They serve as a vestigial limb that takes me out of the immersion. Speaking of immersion…

Why is Booker limited to carrying only two weapons and two vigors at once? I understand why he can’t carry the mini-gatling gun all willy-nilly but Jack and Delta were able to carry around a small arsenal. That might not be realistic but when we have shields, alternate realities, the power to endure death, and a flying city I’m willing to suspend some disbelief for DeWitt having a backpack or something. Speaking of that flying city…

It looks so beautiful… but where’s all the ice, pain, and death?

Rapture was beautiful in large part to its visual design and small part to its plausibility. Someone as rich or crazy as Andrew Ryan or Bruce Wayne would be able to construct it. Columbia on the other hand would be able to fly thanks to the Lutece particle technology but the air would be too thin and cold to support a population. It just doesn’t work. And speaking of that population…

Columbia is a flying city, why does it have a gigantic standing army? Who’s going to invade them, aliens? I know there’s a resistance movement made up of pissed off members of the underprivileged black and irish population –among others– but it never seemed like there was ever open warfare between them. And to bring things full circle where are the Vigor wielding guards? There are the fire guys and the crow guys but the first vigor DeWitt gets mind controls people and then makes them kill themselves. Why isn’t anyone using that on me? This thing was available to the public as a sort of DATE RAPE SUBSTANCE but certainly has no military application, I guess. Certainly not the way that I used it to make soldiers kill their friends and then themselves.

The Verdict

Bioshock Infinite is a marvelous game that occurs before, during, and after every Bioshock game there is, was, or will be. This means you can play it at any point in the series. It goes on Steam with a $30 price tag almost three years after its release with another $20 stacked on top of that if you want to get all the DLC which I have heard good things about but have not played. I would definitely pick it up on sale or at least pick up the main title at full price if this really got your attention although I feel the original Bioshock is the most powerful title in the series.

Next Week: Don’t Starve

Bioshock 2 (PC, Mac, PS3, XBox 360)

This review assumes that you’ve read my previous review for Bioshock. So check it out unless you’re comfortable with your knowledge on the subject.

In the end of Bioshock the hero of that tale left Rapture, alone, with a some Little Sisters, or a legion of splicers — the stories differ. But Rapture was still down there, still biding its time, still going crazier and crazier. Before Rapture’s fall Andrew Ryan hired a psychologist, Sofia Lamb, to stem Rapture’s growing instability. In the absence of Ryan, Atlas, and Fontaine she sidled into power as no one but her could read and control the minds of the splicers. What are her plans? No one is quite sure but it requires the accumulation of large sums of ADAM, something made complicated with the disappearance — or rescue– and age of the first batch of Little Sisters. Older Little Sister’s can’t scavenge the powerful stuff from corpses any more and there are no more little girls in Rapture. So off the Big Sisters go to Iceland and Europe to steal children to become new Little Sisters to continue her experiments.

You play as Subject Delta, a ghost from Lamb’s past, sworn to protect her daughter Eleanor as her Big Daddy. Grown up as Eleanor may be, Delta must find her or he’ll die as part of his Daddy conditioning. Brought back from the dead by Eleanor and with drill at the ready Rapture’s fate will fall to you as you decide what is just and right by Sofia’s sympathizers and the new batch of Little Sisters. The splicers would do well to steer clear of the only Big Daddy who can think, feel… and wield plasmids.

History

Hot on the heels of Bioshock 1 2K started working on Bioshock 2. Originally subtitled Sea of Dreams, this moniker was dropped. Plot and gameplay details were revealed in a 2009 issue of Game Informer. Alongside this 2K launched a website called ‘There’s Something in the Sea’ explaining the tale of Mark Meltzer who was investigating the disappearance of girls who lived on the shore.

Fun Fact: Original designs only contained one Big Sister who would harass Delta for interacting with Little Sisters and would flee when dropped to low enough health. Lead Designer Zak McClendon said they cut it becase it would be unsatisfying to have a foe that the player couldn’t finish off.

Bioshock 2 was released on February 9th 2010. It’s competition was Stalker: Call of Pripyat (PC), Deadly Premonition (XBox 360 and PS3), and Heavy Rain (PS3)

Experiences

One of my favorite parts of Bioshock was the section in which Jack has to disguise himself as a Big Daddy. He gets a special uniform that reduces the damage he takes and gets to guide Little Sisters around to get them to an escape Bathysphere. It was an incredibly frustrating part of the game as the little ones are very fragile, thankfully it was also very short. But like Road Warrior’s Tanker Chase to Fury Road, this game took that short section that people remember prominently and turned it into a full experience. The focus and design expands the idea into everything I wanted it to be. It made me feel powerful and even a little reckless at times, everything I witnessed in Bioshock’s iconic Bouncer Big Daddy archetype.

I can’t count the number of times I charged a splicer and shouted, “get away from her!”

Gameplay

The gameplay itself has not evolved much since Bioshock 1. The story is one that’s completely original but it all leads to the same end, a wild romp through Rapture filled with a few puzzles, moral decisions, gun-play, and hacking. It’s really difficult to talk about it because there’s not much that’s actually different. It’s got the same plasmids and functional reprints of weapons from the first game.

The big new innovative gameplay elements would be walking on the sea floor — which is pretty cool and fun — and adopting Little Sisters. Delta can either harvest Little Sisters on the spot or adopt them to score more ADAM from nearby corpses. Then, Delta can either rescue the poor girl or harvest them anyway. Either way, after Delta has handled the Little Sisters a Big Sister will arrive to attack him. And get ready for a big damn fight. Big Sisters are lithe, small, fast, and have a variety of attacks and methods designed to wreck Delta’s slow lumbering ass. — Oh yeah and Delta’s Eve is fed intravenously so for those who were totally grossed out by all the needles before there are slightly fewer.

That armor might look ramshackle but ADAM has a lot of long term effects.

The Gush

I hope you’re ready for more moral decisions because Bioshock 2 wants to add another layer to things. Delta will be judged for harvesting or rescuing Little Sisters as well as taking the lives of certain defenseless characters — note that I say defenseless, not innocent. Kill too many and well… let’s just say that it might set a bad example.

The character designs are stellar once again. Lamb, Delta, Big Sisters, Little Sisters, and the Splicers are all visually distinct and interesting. Everytime I look at them I see more and more. A lot of work was put into them, I can shoot the bowler hat off of the big muscly guys and that’s just fun.

The new weapons are fitting replacements for Jack’s arsenal. They’re like Jack’s stuff… but for a Big Daddy. A shotgun, machine gun, utility launcher, and spear gun — as opposed to the crossbow — but bigger and badder. And of course, the incredibly powerful wrench has been replaced by the iconic drill. A weapon that will render your opponents into a meaty pulp so long as the fuel lasts.

Yes, this double barreled shotgun does in fact have three chambers for each barrel.

The character models in this game are much improved from the original. They’re smoother, slicker, and generally better looking. I didn’t even realize it, however, until I saw them side by side.

Brigid Tenenbaum goes from this

to…

Very Different. I much prefer the latter.

The Kvetch

The game still tries to play like a horror game sometimes and it just doesn’t fly. In Bioshock 1 I was Jack, a dude with a wrench in a shirt running around getting blown up, clawed at, or shot at by anything I looked at the wrong way. Jack may have been capable enough to defeat those enemies but he was also vulnerable in such a way that I didn’t feel indestructible in his shoes. When I’m in that Big Daddy suit though nothing else matters. When I’m Delta I don’t care what it is, it had better step off me and/or my Little Sister or I’m gonna take it for a spin on the end of my drill and use its flailing torso to bludgeon more splicers to death.

Most of the plot left me a little baffled. It’s totally possible to miss some journal entries and then not know what the Big Sisters are, where the new Little Sisters came from, and how/why Sofia Lamb is trying to take over Rapture. I guess none of that plot is really necessary for the story of ‘you are Big Daddy, save Little Sister’ but it was the secondary draw for the first game and it’s odd for it to be so buried or borderline incomprehensible here.

The hacking minigame is a thing of the past. No longer will we be able to silently play pipe dreams to hack a turret in the middle of combat. Now we must have a slider bar stop on certain sections in real time during a fight. Those elbow joints will be sorely missed.

I guess this is… mer… really normal and not unique at all.

Yes this game has multiplayer… no I don’t know why. I’ve never played it and I’m entirely uninterested in giving it a shot. I came here for Big Daddy action not capture the flag with douchebags on the internet.

Vending machines no longer obnoxiously bellow ‘Welcome to a Circus of Value!’ or ‘Ammo Bandito!’ and I miss that.

The Verdict

If nothing would please you more than the experience of being a Big Daddy, or a shield bearer, or a bodyguard with a license to kill then I can’t recommend Bioshock 2 enough. That being said I didn’t find it as narratively, philosophically, or politically compelling as the original. Not to say that it’s a bad game, I don’t think that it’s objectively bad but compared to the original it comes up short. It retails for $20 on Steam but I think, six years after the fact, it’s worth more like $15 so I’d recommend getting it on sale.

Next Week: Bioshock Infinite

Bioshock (PC, Mac, iOS, PS3, and XBox 360)

A plane crashes into the Atlantic Ocean and there is one miraculous survivor. Stranded in the sea he makes his way to the burning light of a nearby lighthouse. Emblazoned in a marquis above the arch reads ‘Welcome to Rapture’. Inexplicably drawn to a bathysphere deeper within our hero hears words of desperation coming from a nearby radio. The static laden voice asks the survivor to come to Rapture and help him save his wife and child, for Rapture has lost its mind. The survivor cannot speak, he cannot disagree. He would kindly love to.

To the sea floor he goes bound for a city in which the great are not restrained by the weak. Where the human genome has been mapped, a map which they have changed into a canvas. And where a man is entitle to the sweat of his brow.

History

Published by 2K games, and developed by 2K Boston and 2K Australia with help from other 2K teams. Bioshock was planned as the spiritual successor to System Shock 2 after 2K got bored of making games in the future/space. The original idea did take place in space with a drone, defender, harvester relationship being the primary focus of the game with the player being a sort of brain-washing enthusiast. These themes were too dark and were considered un-publishable but the themes would endure to Bioshock as we know it.

Fun Fact: The underwater 1940s-punk aesthetic of Rapture was created because the team thought cyber-punk was getting a little boring.

Bioshock was released on August 21st, 2007. It’s competition was Wild Arms 5 (PS2), Medieval 2: Total War: Kingdoms (PC), and Lair (PS3).

Experiences

Last week on this very blog I discussed Dishonored, a game that lies to the player too much for all the wrong reasons. This is a game that employs its deception masterfully. I fear I may have gone too far bringing it up but the game is 9 years old and I just have to point out when people do it right. And in this post-Undertale world the line between mechanic and in-game entity are becoming more and more blurry every day… and it makes me giddy.

Gameplay

Bioshock is a first person Action RPG which features a host of weapons, pseudo-magical powers — called plasmids –, tons of upgrades, and hordes of different kinds of enemies who’ll want to mess up your day. The game leads you on a guided tour of Rapture’s most prominent — and deadly — locations as you find more weapons to keep you up to snuff in combat and plasmids to widen the design space — seriously, just think of all the things you can do with the power of telekinesis or the ability to shoot lightning… in an underwater city.

Which will become incredibly useful when you’re fighting a woman like this.

No matter what you’ll be fighting your way through Rapture. How you do that is up to you. You can spend ADAM to upgrade or purchase additional plasmids, use dollars to buy ammo from hackable vending machines, or use other machines to upgrade your favorite shooter. All of these being totally viable options.

What’s this ADAM that’s in all caps up there? Why it’s the genetic sensation that’s sweeping the city! ADAM is a miracle material that allows quick and easy manipulation of someone’s genetic code, giving them the power to create fire or summon a cloud of angry bees — warning. Sellers of plasmids are not responsible for unintended genetic rewriting or any damage to the psyche caused by use of such products. How do you get ADAM, well you’ll (harvester) have to get it from the Little Sisters (Drones) but be careful of their Big Daddy bodyguards (defender). What you do with the poor girl is up to you at that point but, just remember, you get more ADAM by performing invasive surgery to get the ADAM out.

Ah, the Little Sister. As iconic as she is creepy.

The Gush

Between weapon, plasmid, and personal upgrades the only wrong way to play the game is not to explore and discover these things — then again, that’d make a helluva challenge. Even if you want to go through the whole game with the wrench as a melee warrior that’s totally possible and even capable of doing more damage than any other weapon in the game.

Holy philosophy Batfellows! Are you ready to see Capitalism, Libertarianism, and even more isms duke it out for control of Rapture? If you’re not then you’d best get ready because that’s what this game is all about.

I’ve got to say, I really like the hacking minigame. I never though pipe dreams could be so much fun!

Or should I say ‘plumbing minigame’?

Rapture might seem too far out to be real but I find it incredibly fascinating that it’s not impossible to build the fabled city. It would be incredibly impractical — and even more expensive — but Andrew Ryan was not a practical man.  The sheer technical possibility of its creation — even in the era of the game the 1940s — shows how much the designers cared about the world they made.

The music in this game is very impressive. I still can’t listen to ‘Welcome to Rapture’  without shedding a tear. It perfectly compliments the visuals musically with ideas of what could have been. Something irrevocably lost, a doomed experiment that could have produced wonders.

The Kvush

I really like the persistent moral choice presented by Bioshock but I feel the good side of the bargain might be too powerful. The big choice is rescuing the Little Sisters and getting a small ADAM supply or killing them — well… they might survive the incredibly invasive surgery — and getting a huge ADAM supply. But if you keep saving the children then you’ll be rewarded with little care packages filled with med kits, unique plasmids, ADAM, money, and even special ammo types. In the end harvesting all of them only offers the player 10% more  ADAM than they would have gotten otherwise. Oh… well, I guess the player doesn’t know that. The player has to trust that their good deeds will be rewarded in what presents itself as a Libertarian utopia. That all of Ayn Rand’s ideas go out the window when someone’s kindness is rewarded. When someone does something just because they feel that butterfly roiling of a good deed. That people feel indebted to those who do right by them. Did I just talk myself out of thinking this was bad design?

I don’t know, did you?

The Kvetch

The final boss SUCKS. After all this buildup and all of these complex psychological themes and intrigue the final boss is a big red jerk you shoot until he dies — three times, just in case one was too easy. The game even has a killer finale leading up to him that had my pulse pounding and my hands sweaty with stress and excitement. But the let down of his defeat could only be saved by the game’s stellar ending. Still, the fight is really boring and plain.

The Verdict

Wet damn this game is good. For twenty dollars on Steam it’s a steal. And that’s not even including buying a used copy for your console machine or how cheap it gets when it’s frequently on sale online. I cannot recommend playing this game enough. I find it incredibly shocking how well it holds up today.

Next Week: Bioshock 2