Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 (PC, PS3, XBox 360, and OS X)

After World War II in his genius and his hubris Albert Einstein built a time machine and used it to go back in time to kill Hitler before his rise to power. Unfortunately without Hitler there was nothing to stop the meteoric rise of Stalin. Feeling personally responsible, Einstein used his genius to make the Allies new and incredible weapons that could crush the Soviet war machine. This left the Soviets desperate, but their network of spies was still good. They used these covert agents to steal the designs for the very time machine Einstein used to kill Hitler and a lowly aide uses it to go back in time to kill Einstein himself. Ignoring the grandfather paradox taking place here, if Einstein doesn’t exist, he doesn’t make nuclear weapons. If there are no nuclear weapons then the war with Japan did not end in their surrender. That’s right! Now it’s a three way free-for-all between the Tesla powered Soviets, the propaganda fueled Allies, and the crafty Empire of the Rising Sun. You play as an enterprising commander in the nation of your choice to take back the glory of your home and crush your enemies!

Behold, the leaders of the not so free world. Yes, that is George Takei as the Emperor of Japan and Tim Curry as the Premier of Russia.

History

Red Alert 3 was developed by Electronic Arts. It was unofficially announced in 2004 by Mark Skaggs after the release of The Battle for Middle Earth but Mark left EA soon after. Red Alert 3 wasn’t spoken of again until 2008 when PC Gamer had the game as their cover story. The most note-worthy aspect of the development of Red Alert 3 is that it used the controversial SecuROM system. So, check this, the SecuROM system makes it so each CD key could only be used five times. If you uninstall the game and reinstall it or change video drivers it might use up one of your 5 installs. Eventually backlash from the players caused EA to abolish the system’s use in this game over time.

Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 was released on October 28th, 2008. It’s competition was Fallout 3 (PS3, Xbox 360, and PC), World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King (PC and Mac), and LittleBigPlanet (PS3).

Experiences

The live action segments are the best part of this game. It’s satire at its best and they got great actors to play all the characters. I stand by that the live action cast was only given their scripts moments before filming. It’s the only explanation that I can find for this scene.

Just… everything about it is comedy gold. The way Curry is trying to keep a straight face, the little false start he’s got before he delivers the final line, and the way he bellows “SPACE” like he didn’t know that was the line until it came out of his mouth.

Gameplay

Unlike Mob Rule, Red Alert 3 is your quintessential RTS. You build buildings, those buildings produce units, you manage your resources, and build an army that will counter your opponent’s. You’ve also got a bar that builds and accrues points which you can spend on your factions special abilities like an orbital launch or flash reinforcements from a splintered timeline– the bar builds faster the more combat you’re in so get to fighting.

First one to blow up your opponent’s base wins.

You can play against the AI or other players in skirmish maps online. The game has also got a story campaign with 10 unique missions per faction. Normally each map gives you an AI companion but you can replace that digital dummy with a real player if you want– an RTS first by my reckoning.

The Gush

I already mentioned how much I loved the live action cutscenes. They’ve got more camp than a hundred tents put together– a secret button is hidden in a bust of Lenin for goodness sake. The only thing better is watching all the behind the scenes outtakes and silliness.

Holy co-op Comrade, you can play the main campaign with a friend. I recommend doing this because the AI isn’t exactly reliable. But if you’re not feeling the love then the AI will be a competent ally.

Normally naval combat is a poorly designed tacked on thing — I’m looking at you Warcraft 2 — but Red Alert 3 throws in a bunch of interesting and useful amphibious units. As a matter of fact every factions unique Commando unit is amphibious as well. Why did it take us this long to think of naval artillery?

The Kvetch

This game is uncomfortably sexist sometimes. From the scantily clad and sexualized Commandos to Tim Curry checking out his secretary’s ass and grinning at the player it’s all just a little cringe-worthy. The allied campaign even ends with the commander being rewarded with a night with the Allied commando or the Allied communications officer– just… blugh.

Pictured is the Allied Commando and all the combat gear she isn’t wearing and her in game model is similar.

The Soviet campaign at least has got some insane difficulty spikes. It took me three tries to beat the fourth mission and then I breezed through the rest. Last I checked difficulty is supposed to be curve with the game getting more difficult as it goes on.

Spoilers, but the Soviet campaign culminates in the destruction of the Statue of Liberty. I was so excited and totally pumped to kick J.K. Simmons out of the White House but I dunno man, the whole thing just felt toothless. The mission is pretty easy and the ending is just such a let-down. There’s a toast and you’re suddenly the new Premier, nothing makes sense. I haven’t played the other campaigns but I hope their endings are more satisfying than the Soviet one.

The Verdict

I’d say that Red Alert 3 is worth it for the cut-scenes alone. If you’ve got any interest in real-time strategy games then I’d say go for it. But if they’re not your thing then you could just look up all the cut-scenes online. It’s $20 on Steam and it’s got a $20 expansion pack and I would suggest waiting for it to go on sale. They’re also available on PS3 and Xbos 360 and I can’t speak to the quality of the console ports but Starcraft 64 has always made me wary of console strategy games.

Next Week: Borderlands 2

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Mob Rule (PC)

You are an up and coming capo in another man’s mafia given the dubious privilege of commanding the Don’s forces. If you succeed, he takes the credit, if you fail, you take the fall. The big man’s got plans for you though, plans that will take you far. You’ve got to build businesses and organize your subordinates in order to destroy rival families and keep your ledger in the black. And whatever you do, never disobey the Don.

History

Made by Studio 3, the internal development branch of System 3, Mob Rule was meant to be a more combat oriented version of their previous game, Constructor. Mob Rule recycled the engine and a lot of the mechanics. It received worse reviews than Constructor at the time in large part to its UI change and mission goal restrictions.

It’s been picked up and distributed by Good Old Games these days and their port is competent and flexible but missing a vital aspect from the original, multiplayer. For whatever reason they removed the option to get a multiplayer game going. The multiplay format is no longer supported by modern Operating Systems but savvy coders have found ways to get it to run with a few downloadable programs. So I’ve got to ask GOG, where’s my mafia based multiplayer?

I mean, that’s the UI on the bottom panel. It’s not exactly intuitive.

Mob Rule was released on September 30th, 1999. It’s competition was Rollercoaster Tycoon (PC and apparently this game had an XBox port.), Dungeon Keeper 2 (PC), and Baldur’s Gate: Tales of the Sword Coast (PC).

Experiences

This is one of the first RTS games that I ever played and the first time I did it was on a demo disk. You remember, demos, those things that don’t exist any more where you play a little bit of the game to see if you like it — yeah, those. This demo was unlike any other I had played because it incorporated its ending into the mechanics of the demo. Lemme unpack that. So, most demos ended because they just told you that you’d played enough and would have to cough up the cash if you wanted to keep going. Mob Rule’s demo unleashed a giant enemy force on you that was too strong, who The Don ordered you not to harm, that wreck your businesses and kill your dudes. Then, when you get wiped out, the game says that if you want revenge that you could get it by buying the full game. Cheap, efficient, brilliant, and dastardly.

Gameplay

This game is not your average RTS, there’s no real base building, there isn’t really a diverse arrangement of units, and everyone is using the same tools. Since there’s no multiplayer anymore it’s all about the main campaign. The campaign is split into missions where The Don will give you various tasks, some of which put the hurt on your enemies whereas others are just there to create a challenge to forward progress. To achieve these ends you’ll have to employ workers, the low health/low damage guys who build buildings and perform menial tasks — but have strength in numbers. Fixers, who literally repair buildings, can hold their own in combat, and can take over enemy business. And Gangsters, who are the fast moving, hard hitting, well dressed, gun-toting, enforcers.

You build businesses on your available land that can either produce units or money, but not both at once. Each building can be upgraded twice, and lead into higher tiered businesses that produce more money and better units — ie. you can convert workers into fixers or gangsters but higher level businesses produce gangsters instead of workers. You upgrade buildings by installing gadgets from your gadget factory. There are also gadgets with more practical uses like the dog house that will provide a given property with a faithful — if glitchy– hound who will try to defend it.

Low class businesses are things like Soup Kitchens whereas high class business are Night Clubs.

If you’re still having some trouble crushing your enemies then you can hire the Undesirables to apply the hurt-lock by destroying their businesses or stealing their resources. And if your enemies are throwing these low-lives at you then you can bribe the police to aggressively patrol and arrest them. The game is like a giant Rock Paper Scissors game where everyone is trying to buy bigger tools. Just make sure you’ve got enough cash to keep the train going.

 The Gush

I love making a well oiled and self perpetuating machine in games and Mob Rule provides. There comes a moment when your security is tight, your businesses are in order, and you can just crank up the speed on the game. All pretense of micro-management thrown out the window — until that one prick builds a haunted prison and starts haunting your buildings.

Very rarely does the game put a time limit on you. You’re free to fart around as long as you please as long as you’ve got the cash to keep it going. You can build up your businesses and forces as long as you think you have to. With timed sections thrown in to increase the dramatic tension.

The game does a great job at teaching the player neat tricks to get an edge over their enemy especially through the missions. From focusing your gangsters and police at the choke points of your empire, putting buildings near your opponents businesses and letting them burn down and explode, or dumping bodies on your opponents property to inspire the police to raid the business. The game’s missions actually inspire the player to think laterally.

This game is silly as fuck. The 3-D sections and intermission cutscenes are pretty funny. I mean, I always wanted to command a giant, sentient, bipedal, walking cockroach and this game has given me that opportunity.

The animation and design is just totally goofy.

The Kvetch

The mission goals are sometimes poorly defined. About once per campaign I was given a mission where I didn’t know exactly what I needed to do or worse yet, thought I was doing the right thing and either the game wasn’t counting it or I wasn’t doing it correctly. It’s a real pace killer when it happens.

This game cheats. It’s form of difficulty is measured in how much the AI is allowed to cheat. They don’t have to worry about producing people, running out of money, or running out of undesirables. I know this is there to compensate for their AI, they’re not as good as a player, but there’s something unsatisfying about how they and I are not even playing by the same rules.

Sometimes the AI will just crap itself and you suffer because of it. There are plenty of mission scenarios where there’s someone you’re not allowed to attack or a building you’re not allowed to destroy. Sometimes though the AI will just start neglecting this building or character, they get destroyed, and then you lose.  And it happens once every time I play through the campaign so always keep an extra save file around.

A small quibble but sometimes the game doesn’t keep its terms straight is. The Don says that electric lights improve trade but they do nothing but allow you to upgrade your buildings. Sometimes its confusing when a gadget has a different name in the factory and in text that informs which gadgets are required to upgrade buildings.

The Verdict

This game is quite flawed. If the game didn’t catch your attention as soon as you heard about it then it probably won’t. The game is twenty years old and predates common RTS user interface. I’m pretty nostalgic for it so I keep going back but I think the real quality is finding ways to abuse the game and make a perfect machine. It’s 8 dollars on Good Old Games so I recommend it only if you think it sounds cool.

Next Week: Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3

Tetris Attack (Super Nintendo and Gameboy)

Yoshi is just hanging out on Yoshi’s Island, as he does, with all of the — presumably reformed villains– when Bowser — with his incredibly ill defined magical powers — enchants them to become Yoshi’s enemies once again. The spell also creates a torrential downpour that will flood the world — you see what I mean by poorly defined. Yoshi must now defeat his friends in a puzzle game to break the spell. You know what? Just… don’t overthink this, don’t think about it at all actually, it’s a tetris-esque puzzle game. Just play it.

History

Tetris Attack is a game being torn in three directions at once. It started off as Panel De Pon, a game about fairies trying to defeat the Devil King, Thanatos, who casts a spell to make the fairies fight among each other. Only Lip is able to resist the spell thanks to her magical stick — hence the Super Smash item Lip’s Stick. Nintendo knew that a puzzle game about fairies wouldn’t sell well in the states so they changed the graphics and made it about Yoshi and the cast of Yoshi’s island, which had been released earlier in the year. They couldn’t call it Panel De Pon and in order to increase the approachability of the game Nintendo asked Tetris and it’s then CEO, Henk Rogers if they could use the name. He agreed, but looking back on it regrets the decision because this game isn’t like Tetris at all, quote from Rogers, “In retrospect, we should never have done that. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It dilutes the brand”.

Tetris Attack was released on November 28, 1996. It’s competition was Diablo (PC), Twisted Metal 2 (PS1), and Donkey Kong Country 3 (SNES).

Even the walls are happier in Panel de Pon!

Experiences

I can say that as a young child renting video games from Taylor Brook Video I was completely drawn in by a game that was Tetris but HAD ATTACKING! I knew I could play Tetris so I figured I’d be able to play this game, I figured wrong. I couldn’t get very far in the main campaign because I couldn’t figure out how to execute combos or how to organize blocks to eliminate more than three at a time. Like many of these games, I came back when I was in my late teens and was able to finish it. But those unlockable characters would always taunt me, I would never beat very hard mode.

Gameplay

Tetris Attack is… well it works like… I mean, it’s sort of like… and you… nevermind, lemme just show you.

There, that’s how the game works.

The game actually presents a large variety of ways to play the game. There’s endless mode, which is most like actual Tetris. The player plays and accumulates points until they lose. In this mode combos freeze the game so you can get a few seconds of breathing room. There’s puzzle mode which presents the player with a game-state and a certain number of moves. The player’s got to use those moves to eliminated all the blocks. Then there’s VS mode! Where you get to play the campaign style game but against another player. With each player getting the opportunity to adjust their own boards difficulty. And then there’s the main campaign in which you face down 12 computer controlled opponents.

Endless mode also gets larger, more flavorful stages.

The Gush

Once you get into this game it can plunge you into a state of pure flow. It’s not about seeing the blocks, it’s just moving them — I love it. Although when things would get rough I would lose it though, me and my friends would call this, “losing the sight.” One of us would just say, “I’ve lost the sight,” and then they’d soon lose.

The game looks really kiddy, and I mean that in a good way. If the game wasn’t so difficult it would be pure joy. It’s all fluffy and and edgeless until Yoshi reaches The Cave of Wickedness. And come on, how much more punch can you pull calling it the Cave of Wickedness.

Cute overload.

The music in this game is also cutesy and I really like it. It’s not as iconic as Tetris’ A-theme but it suits the puzzling aspects of the game well, even growing more excited as the blocks rise higher. I’m personally fond of Blarg’s, Raphael’s, and Bowser’s theme. I will say though that it’s a little lazy that three bosses all use the same music.

The Kvetch

If you want to unlock the bosses as playable characters then you’d best buckle yourself in for a bumpy ride. You’ve got to beat the game on the hardest difficulty. No, not hard mode. I mean the hardest mode. After you beat Hard mode without using a continue Yoshi says that you’re gonna have to hold up and the L button on the difficulty select screen with Hard highlighted to unlock really freakin’ hard mode. Then you’ve got to beat really freakin’ hard mode without using a continue. Then you’ll unlock the bosses as characters. I just want to play as Kamek because he’s a koopa Wizard.

KOOPA WIZARD! Look at that goddam robe!

A game like this needs the tightest of controls and yet sometimes I feel like the cursor goes further than I mean it to. Maybe I’m just REALLY good at hitting the button quickly but making a misplay can be costly and undoing it takes up valuable time.

The Verdict

You can get the game these days on the WiiU virtual console for eight dollars. It’s a decent enough title but it was really a creature of its time. The big reason I spent my days learning how to play it was because it was the only game I had and I was bored as hell. It’s not a game you and your friends can pick up and play because the handicapping in the VS mode leaves things a little lopsided, and there’s only local multiplayer. You can’t just pick it up and mash buttons like you would be able to in a game like Mortal Combat. The games got a really slow burn and no real focus. I don’t think this game can replace the sheer zen of Tetris but I keep getting drawn back to it every once and awhile. I’m nostalgia blind, and I don’t think I can see past that.

Next Week: Mob Rule

Space Funeral (PC)

Blood 1 starts a new game, Blood 2 continues a game, and Blood 3 quits.

I realize as I sit down to write this just how difficult it is to explain or describe Space Funeral. You play as Tim in the macabre and bizzare world known only as Space Funeral. Tim is sad — so sad that it’s his class in the game — and he yearns for the meaning of form and the nature of the world, for it was not always as it is now. Join Tim and his domineering companion, Leg Horse, as they search for the answers to this baffling world.

Tim is so sad he cries constantly, even during combat.

History

Space Funeral was developed by Stephen ‘thecatamites’ Murphy, who’s made over 50 short games. With such titles as The Astonishing Adventures of Captain Skull and Murder Dog IV, with art styles ranging from pen on paper to 3-D animation Murphy has been making games for almost a decade now. Most of his titles are short and almost all of them are free.

Space Funeral was completed and released on September 17th 2010. It’s competition was Plants Vs. Zombies (Xbox Live Indie Arcade), Cladun: This is an RPG (PSP), and Civilization V (PC).

Experiences

When I first heard about Space Funeral I heard about Leg Horse, a horse made entirely out of human legs. Hearing this, I almost wanted to dismiss the game out of hand as Youtube fodder that was meant to market to the “Lul, so random,” crowd but I couldn’t resist investigating further. Leg Horse is just the tip of the weirdness ice-berg and what impressed me more is that I came to care about everything. The world of Space Funeral uses its weirdness as an element to tell a story. It serves a very vital purpose without which would destroy the artistic meaning of the game.

Well, the Dracula part seems needlessly random. Maybe thecatamites just likes Dracula?

Gameplay

Space Funeral is a pretty stock role-playing game with turn based combat. Tim and Leg Horse can attack, defend, use items, or special techniques to thwart their enemies. There are towns and dungeons to explore and all sorts of colorful characters to meet like the Shopkeeper who desires ALL RUBLES — also, the currency of Space Funeral is rubles which has got to count for something. The game could quite easily not be a game at all. The quality of the experience wouldn’t really change if this wasn’t a game. But if it wasn’t a game, if there was no combat, then what would you do? What would it be then?

This dialogue deserves an award or a metal… quite possibly an honorary sash.

The Gush

The music in the games is really good and really creepy. It’s got moody electronica with spoken word lyrics and even some surf rock thrown in for good measure. The music always feels a little out of place and unnerving and I love it because of that.

The game borrows a lot from Earthbound. Enemies are on the field –so the battles aren’t random –, the game is pretty easy, they both have a hellish otherworld — the difference being that in Space Funeral you live in the hellish otherworld–, and Tim even has a mystery command. So if you like Earthbound then you’ll like this game. If you haven’t played Earthbound then you can listen to my long-winded diatribe about it. https://aproximatelytoomanygames.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/earthbound/

And when they say MYSTERIOUS THINGS they’re not kidding.

This game is wonderfully dark. People live in constant torment or emotional anguish. Beds are coffins with Tim’s body in them. It’s insane and I love it.

The Kvetch

This game is extremely easy, strategy is strictly optional here. The game never poses a real challenge at the player, you’ll probably go through the whole game without losing a fight. Despite it’s ease, it’s so weird that it probably wouldn’t be fitting for a newcomer to videogames or RPGs.

The Verdict

I heard the name Space Funeral and knew I should check this game out. The next words out of someone’s face were about something called a Leg Horse and then I knew I HAD to play this game. Throw in a solid thesis, a perfect length, and a kick ass sound track and you’ve got a remarkably balanced and yet compact experience. To top it all off, it’s free. If Space Funeral sounds even remotely appealing to you then I suggest you check it out.

You can find Space Funeral and thecatanites’ other games at: http://harmonyzone.org/Videogames.html

Next week: Tetris Attack (SNES)

The Wolf Among Us (PC, Xbox 360, and PS3)

The fables and characters within that we know and love weren’t actually born on the page. They lived in their own world, a place they referred to simply as the Homelands. But  were driven out by The Adversary and his empire which lead them to our world. They consolidated their survivors, forgave their past crimes against each other, and established a community in New York City. There’s another community upstate called The Farm for the inhuman characters — don’t worry about it, no one else does… You play as Bigby Wolf, the sheriff of Fabletown. Something’s stirring in the rotten underbelly of this city and Bigby’s going to get to the bottom of it — because detective things.

History

I can sum up the development of The Wolf Among Us in one word, delay. The game was announced in June of 2011 and announced again –for some reason–  in on October 2012. It got named in February of 2013 and was going to be released in January-March of 2013 and was postponed until June-August of 2013. The first episode was finally released in October of 2013.

Fun Fact: Adam Harrington is the voice of both Bigby and the Woodsman. As such, Harrington spends a lot of time talking to himself.

The Wolf Among Us was completed on November 4th 2014. It’s competition was Flashback (Playstation Network and PC), Batman: Arkham Origins (PC, WiiU, PS3, and XBox 360), and Deadly Premonition: Director’s Cut (PC).

Experiences

The Wolf Among Us offers an incredible experience as an investigator, the detective that CSI has taught us to think we are. Telltale gives us the choice to play our Bigby however we want and I chose to play him with one simple rule: Everyone gets one warning, no more, no less. And sometimes that bit me in the ass. So it’s your Bigby and your rules. The replay value of the game is seeing what happens under different circumstances cleverly disguised as offering the pleasure to make a different Bigby.

I mean, is it worth it to be the fairest? But being a tyrant is fun.

Gameplay

The Wolf Among us is a narrative and choice driven walk and click adventure with quick-time-event combat sprinkled in. You control Bigby, walking around, picking stuff up, looking at evidence, and talking to people. And you’ll do a lot of talking. Every dialogue section has 4 options — and silence is always an option. The other big part of the game is choice. Every so often the game will offer the player a mutually exclusive choice i.e. if Bigby goes somewhere he can’t be in the other location at the same time. Meanwhile, anything could happen in your absence. Telltale, as always, does a wonderful job of making your choices feel like they really matter even when they might not. Especially considering some of your choices can have huge impacts on the state of the game.

Sometimes it’s literally a matter of life…

… And death.

The Gush

The music in this game is wonderful. The menu music puts me in a contemplative mood and the chapter beginning music gets me all fired up to play. It creates this moody and sleazy atmosphere for this modern film noir setting.

The story is top notch. It reacts to your decisions marvelously and those decisions aren’t always cut and dry. The story also tackles big issues that people face today like the nature of government, law enforcement, and fear. You’ll learn something about yourself going through the story.

This is the only game where someone can experience the Fables setting and it’s a treat to see. Being a fan of the Fables comic enhanced my experience but it’s not a necessity, the game does a great job explaining the setting on its own. It’s also just wicked fun to be Bigby — such stronk, much wolf punch.

It’s also beautiful watching Bigby and Snow be awkward as hell.

This game looks great, it’s incredibly stylized. Everything just pops out even though it’s gritty and grimy. The setting design naturally draws the eye right to where it needs to go.

The voice acting is evocative and incredibly emotive. From Toad’s cheapskate complaining to Gren’s rebel without a cause attitude every voice actor is bringing their A-game.

The Kvetch

The combat is a little weak. It gives the player a sense of agency when it comes Bigby’s violent side but the failure scenario just takes the player back to the beginning of the fight. It’s a tough situation from a design perspective. They couldn’t just hold the player’s hand because that might seem insulting and taking it away from the player means they’d be lacking agency during the fights, like they were watching Bigby and not controlling him. It all just seems a little odd because Telltale games are about choice and in combat I get incredibly worried that I’m going to mess up, not make the wrong choice.

We get it, Bigby will beat ’em up.

The Verdict

The Wolf Among Us is a wonderful Telltale game and a wonderful narrative driven experience in general. That being said, the player doesn’t actually do much. They’ve got a lot of input, they’ve got a lot of options, but it’s a very passive game. If you want a game where you’re doing stuff all the time then this is not be for you. This game is much more thinking about the character you’ve got int your head and what they would do or say, then the game generally does it for you. If that sounds like the sort of experience you want then go for it. It’s going for $25 on Steam right now and I’d wait until it dropped to about $20.

Next Week: Space Funeral

Baldur’s Gate: Enhanced Edition (PC, OSX, Linux)

 

Faerun’s west coast, known as the Sword Coast, is no stranger to peril, war, and upheaval. Far from it, these things love to rear their heads like uninvited guests on a regular basis. The latest trouble is an iron shortage. No problem on its own but the situation is made worse by frequent — one might almost think scheduled– bandit raids on ore shipments. You play as the adopted child of the sage Gorion (Because they needed there to be a reason you could play any race.) living in the library/castle of Candlekeep. Gorion has become more and more agitated of late — even given his humorless and private demeanor. One day he tells you that you must leave Candlekeep behind. With some gold for your equipment you prepare to face the world outside wondering why Gorion is in such a hurry.

History

Baldur’s Gate was developed by Bioware, as a matter of fact it was THE FIRST RPG THEY EVER DEVELOPED — do you like Mass Effect? This is where it all started! And it shows. They also made the Infinity Engine for the game. At this point Bioware was 60 people and they were so green that none of them had released a game by this point. They worked together with Interplay, creators of the Fallout series, because they had experience adapting a role-playing system to a video game and were a veteran company of the time.

Fun fact: Fallout was meant to be based on the GURPS roleplaying system.

Baldur’s Gate was released on December 21st, 1998. It’s competition was Starcraft (PC and N64), Fallout 2 (PC), and Might and Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven.

Experiences

This is a game that demands to be played correctly. It might seem like an open world but that’s an illusion, a dangerous one at that. You CAN play it your way but it’s bound to leave you destitute in the gutter without two gold pieces to rub together. At this point you’ll be pawning your equipment to rest at the inn or try to get enough cash to bring your allies back to life at the local temple. Get a guide or make a plan because it’s the only way to get the stuff you need to adventure properly so you can start taking risks. It’s an utterly merciless experience. But! The Enhanced Edition comes with the benefit of highlighting important areas of your world map. I guess your character has adventurer sense — which almost makes sense in the fiction.

No longer is a fan-made map like this NECESSARY to figure out where to go.

Gameplay

Baldur’s Gate runs on the same rules as 2nd edition Dungeons and Dragons — as such it’s a bit of a confusing mess. What you need to understand is that you want to keep your hit points high and your Armor Class low. Now the dungeon delving is pretty simple; go in to the camp/cave/ruin, kill everything that looks at you funny, and then loot the bodies. The problem is in figuring how to destroy the monsters and, oh yeah, fucking traps. There are goddam traps everywhere — I mean, there are so many traps that I seriously question who built so fucking many and who fronted the money for all these god forsaken lightning bolt spells.

Lightning Bolts are literally hell. They will kill you and your whole party in one go.

It’s your job to create a party of fighters to fight, clerics to heal, rogues to find traps, and wizards to cast spells in the right combination to handle the traps, wizards, ogres, armored thugs, and hoards of gnolls. Unfortunately your party is more likely to be made of the other adventurers that you’ll find and some of these guys don’t generally get along — I thought the paladin and the sadistic murderer would be fast friends!

The Gush

The plot is genuinely compelling, especially for the first time experiencing this sort of story, even if you know nothing about Faerun. When I was playing it as a kid I was reading books in game to figure out more about what was going and — this game got 14 year old me to read fake books. It asks a pile of questions and then drip feeds you answers IF you dig a little.

This game oozes with charming characters. Between Khalid’s anxiety, Erwin’s blatant evil, and Minsc’s pet miniature-giant-space hamster I’m more than content to interact with everyone just to see if they’re cool people. All of these important characters are marvelously voiced and if they start to grate on you just mute ’em.

Behold Minsc and, his adorable companion, Boo

The only Advanced Dungeons and Dragons based game better than Baldur’s Gate I is Baldur’s Gate 2. And it would just be untoward to play the second game before the first. It’s not just untoward, skipping this game will leave you in the dark pretty hard.

The Kvetch

Luck should have nothing to do with whether you complete a quest or not and Baldur’s Gate has got dice role quests. A 50/50 chance between 500 and 2000 experience points based on the roll of the dice is just bad design. There’s not even anything you can do to effect the outcome and it’s just lame.

Almost every fight at the higher levels include a spellcaster, usually of the arcane variety, who will typically cast all of his defensive spells before you even walk through the door. You’ve got no chance to interrupt them and they never seem to run out of spells. I don’t know what level they are but I’m level 8 and they’re casting spells I’ve never scene and that I don’t know how to avoid or overcome.

Ah yes, I remember the days when winning a boss fight meant simply summoning as many skeletons as possible.

For some, plot based but otherwise unexplained reason, if your main character dies they are dead forever and the game is over. Reload from your last save and do it better. As such it’s really fucking hard to play as a wizard or any other class that doesn’t come with buckets and buckets of hit points. It’s possible but it’s an uphill climb on a sheer cliff.

I really wasn’t a fan of the music. It felt dull, repetitive, and undynamic. I eventually started playing my own music and muting it for character dialogue or to read something.

The Verdict

If taking a trip down Second Edition based memory lane sounds like a keen way to spend your time then I recommend giving Baldur’s Gate I, enhanced or not, a look. The game may begin with the illusion of an open world but after a few chapters of linearity it DOES make good on its open world promise. The enhanced edition even has multiplayer so you can play this game with a friend if you don’t want to rely on the less optimal NPCs. I recommend Baldur’s Gate to anyone with an interest in roleplaying games and a firm knowledge of D&D.

Next Week: The Wolf Among Us.

The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang (Super Nintendo)

The vampire kingdom, the zombie kingdom, and the… human(?) kingdom have lived in peace for a long damn time. The Zombie lord Von Hessler has broken this peace, declaring war on both of the other kingdoms. No one can figure out why he’s invading nor can they figure how he’s winning! The vampire lord and lady send their son, Spike McFang, to adventurer camp — you know, where you send the kids for the summer– to get ready for the impending invasion.  When Spike returns his family’s castle has been conquered and he won’t take that lying down. Join spike as he liberates the conquered kingdoms, walks at an awkward pace, spins, and uses magical cards to thwart his enemies.

This fairy riding on a tooth is the instructor of Adventurer Camp. No, it doesn’t make sense in context.

History

The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang was developed by Bullet Proof Software. A company most known for porting Tetris a dozen goddam times — and making the slow, awkward, barf-fest known as Faceball 2000 (but that’s for another day). This game had small differences between the US and Japanese releases. For example Spike no longer fully heals upon leveling up and monsters have more hit points, making the game longer by forcing the player to backtrack and use more items. The shopkeeper’s visual design was also changed.

From a cute girl to a mummy squid thing.

The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang was released in June of 1994. It’s competition was Super Metroid (SNES), Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis), and Final Fantasy VI (SNES).

Experiences

This game was the one that got away for me. I rented it once when I was a young and impressionable child and loved it — but you know… kids are stupid. I got stuck before I finished the first chapter but that just made me want to beat it more. There was only one word that I remembered from the title, ‘Twist’. Before the internet’s day it was hard to find but as the compilation of useless information grew in size I was able to find the game at last, play it, and finish it. It all went downhill from there.

Gameplay

The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang consists of a Vampire in a blue onesie and a top hat on an isometric plane jumping around and beating up sentient onions and other weird monsters. He can attack by throwing his hat and spinning his cape — but if he spins too man times he’ll lose his balance. Spike also explores dungeons avoiding traps and searching for keys — Legend of Zelda style. Spike can also buy and find cards that can do all sorts of stuff like healing him or helping him deal more damage.

The Gush

The music is pretty good. It’s memorable enough that I still have a few of the tunes rattling around in my noggin — I still remember the Batland theme. The boss theme always got me pumped and ready to dish out some damage — whether that was strictly possible or not.

I don’t know why the world is populated by golems with Easter island heads but I like it. It certainly doesn’t hurt that they’re almost always around to help.

I will admit that I’m a little weirded out by their stony stares.

The Kvetch

I just figured out that there’s a two player mode. It’s only available if Spike has a companion with him, which is only during certain parts of the game. But it’s only unlocked BY PUTTING IN A SECRET FUCKING CODE! It’s not in the manual, no one knew it when I was growing up, no one had even heard of this game. You’ve basically got to buy a cheat book to play with a friend in this game.

Spike’s main attack is his cape spin. It’s incredibly cool but totally impractical. It immobilizes Spike so it’s more than likely that the bosses –as they jump nimbly-bimbly– will knock his fangs out. Spike’s hat throw also immobilizes him but has the benefit of attacking from a range.

That white flash there is the total range of the cape.

The plot, that which it exists, is weak as hell. I’m not really rooting for anyone and the only reason I’m willing to play Spike is because he’s a vampire wearing a top hat and a blue onesie.

When you get to the end of the game you’d best have everything you need because there is no shop and no going back. To boot, the final boss is a tough sonovabitch which almost requires cards to defeat so if you used them all reaching him then you’re in for a tough fight. A fight so tough that I restarted the game and stockpiled cards instead of facing him.

The final area is also a jungle maze. If you go the wrong way you get sent back to the beginning.

Spike’s walking speed and jumping speed are so abysmally slow that you’re probably not going to be able to get out of the way enemy attacks.

There’s a sort of invisible experience point system, when Spike vanquishes an enemy he gets XP and can level up. But all leveling does is increase Spike’s health and damage. With no other features it just leads to a lot of grinding because you gotta stay ahead of the curve.

The Verdict

This game is lame overall. The gameplay is weak, the design promotes unfair difficulty, and the story is nonexistant. I was totally nostalgia blind when I went back to it and I was taken aback at how simple and hollow the experience was. This game is at the same time too short and too long. There’s not enough exporation of the world and at the same time I’m so glad when it’s over. Avoid The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang.

No Time to Explain Remastered (PC, Mac, Linux, iOS, Xbox One)

You from the future bursts through the wall of your home with a giant laser cannon. You know it’s you from the future because the first words out of his mouth are, “I am you from the future. There’s no time to explain.” And before he can say another word he’s grabbed by a giant crab and drops his cannon. You take it upon yourself to travel through time… a lot and save yourself — I mean you from the future. And other yous from other futures or something. Just jump around and shoot your cannon all over the place in this puzzle platformer.

Everything you need to know right here.

History

No Time to Explain started out as a flash game on Newgrounds by Tom Brien. After it garnered a couple of thousands of plays Brien contacted Alex Nichiporchik and formed tinyBuild Games to make a larger full release. They started a Kickstarter to fund this full version and they raised $26,000 — $19,000 more than their $7,000 goal.

No Time to Explain was released on August 15th, 2011 and a Remastered version was released on July 17th, 2015. It’s 2011 competition was Bastion (PC), From Dust (PC), and Temple Run (iOS).

Experiences

This game is I Wanna Be the Guy lite. If you’re not familiar with the masochism simulator of a game I Wanna Be the Guy is then all you need to know is that it’s hard. Although No Time to Explain can be quite difficult it’s never unfair. As a platformer puzzle game with plenty of checkpoints it’s totally possible to brute force a solution and continue on. The game just keeps getting sillier and sillier, I keep playing just to see the crazy stuff that’s gonna happen next. the plot is incredibly difficult to follow because they game takes full advantage of the multiple universe and time travel heavy setting it takes place in.

Gameplay

You play as a dude using a laser cannon as a jetpack who uses it to travel through time. If that doesn’t grab your attention right there then this game has got nothing for you. Each level requires you to go through a bunch of obstacles that become increasingly difficult to navigate in order to reach a time portal that leads to the next level. These obstacles range from spikes, to water, jump pads, to walls that can only be destroyed by lighting them on fire with your own flaming body. Every world has got a boss and this game has got some crazy bosses.

This used to be strange, now it’s just Tuesday in the Multiverse.

The game’s challenge isn’t too punitive. Every time the character touches a stable section of floor it acts as a checkpoint in case they die. Falling into a bottomless pit or getting extremely dead — like immolating oneself — will restart the level however. The Remastered edition has sharpened the graphics and sound. It’s also added a lives counter to boss fights and lowered boss health. This is a mixed blessing as some boss attacks would kill the player and others would simply return them to the nearest stable platform in the classic version. Which would lead to situations where the player would dive toward attacks that wouldn’t kill them so it wouldn’t reset the boss’ health.

If you’re looking for an even greater platforming challenge then you can look for hats.

The Gush

This game has got variety. Just after the point I’m comfortable or bored with a certain playstyle the game throws something crazy at me.

Bullet Hell section while riding on a thief version of you shooting a dinosaur from the dinosaur universe? Very yes.

The movement mechanics change as often as the playstyle. One second you’re using the laser cannon and the next you’re playing a crazy psychic version of you that can move himself with his mind.

The plot is delightfully campy — fully equipped with an evil version of you with a goatee. It’s a little hard to follow with all the time travel shenanigans but even after I got lost I knew who the bad guy was and I knew enough about what was going on to keep playing.

It’s got Giant Enemy Crabs! What could possibly go wrong?

The Kvetch

You have to fire the cannon at the right time during a jump to get the maddest ups. Sometimes I can’t get the timing right when I’m almost damn sure that I am. Maybe I’m getting mad at video games but it’s really frustrating how small the sweet spot is.

The game can kinda drag a little bit. It’s great for short bursts but I’ve never been able to marathon this one — I know, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

The Verdict

This game is a tight package. It’s $15 on Steam and I love it to death but I’m not sure it’s worth the price tag. It’s almost there, almost. Catch it on Steam when it’s 20% or something. The controls are a little wonky sometimes but the plot is wonderful, the music is catchy, and the core platforming is to die for. I recommend No Time to Explain.

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines (PC)

Have you ever had a nightmare? What was it that was chasing you down the halls of your mind? Was it a vampire, a horde of zombies, maybe a werewolf, the ghost of a bitter relative, the Boogie Man? The World of Darkness is a place where a bad dream of these things would not be ill-founded. A world where all of these monsters are quite real in the modern day — well the jury’s still out on the Boogie Man– and they hide from humanity while preying on it. You play as a newly turned Vampire, thrust into a world of generations old politics, rivalry, and violence in the city of Los Angeles. You’re a pawn in a greater game to the elders, just trying to survive. Fight, feed, use your sweet vampire powers, and figure out what is going on in Bloodlines.

History

Strap yourselves in because this one’s a doozy. Bloodlines was published by Activision and developed by a little studio called Troika Games, development began in 2001. Troika wanted to make a first person RPG, thinking that the genre was going stale, and Activision wanted to make the most of the Vampire license they had acquired from White Wolf in ’98. Development began with 5 developers, 27 others, and no head writer — they wouldn’t get a writer for about 9 months.

And the writer paid off with dialogue like this.

Troika began debating whether to make the game 3D or not. At the time Valve was working on their Source Engine for Half-Life 2. It would be fully 3D and have all the bells and whistles but it wasn’t done yet. Despite it’s incomplete nature Troika gambled on using it. This lead them to finish incomplete sections of code themselves with only Valve to go to for technical support. Because Valve was making Half-Life 2 in the Source Engine, Troika was forced to put off Bloodline’s release until Half-Life 2’s released. Further delaying things, Valve suffered a security breach that lead them to put more security into the engine. Leading Half-Life 2 to delay, which lead Bloodlines to Delay.

The scope of the project continued to grow. Every new system introduced additional models and animations for the characters. Most games have a static 10-20 models whereas Bloodlines had over 150 characters and almost 3000 animations for them put together. Levels were designed and then scrapped. The game planned to launch with a multiplayer mode but that was also scrapped for time. The game’s development dragged for so long that the team put off finalizing things because they didn’t know when the deadline truly would be. Things were further slowed as every decision had to be approved both Activision and White Wolf.

When Activision put their foot down and set a deadline Troika hadn’t even begun testing yet.  Troika also didn’t respect the deadlines because they knew that Activision wouldn’t let this money go to waste. The money Activision offered to finish wasn’t enough to pay the whole team and some employees took pay cuts while others worked for nothing to push the game as close to completion as they could. The game released on November 16th, 2004 in an incomplete, untested, and unpolished state. Creative Director, Jason Anderson said that only 2 months of its 3 year development wasn’t spent in overtime.

It’s competition was Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (PS2), World of Warcraft (PC), and Lord of the Rings: The Third Age (Gamecube, PS2, and XBox)

Experiences

I can’t think of a game that I put more into, from a technical perspective. I can’t think of another game that was so broken that I also refused to abandon. I was playing this game when it chugged on my 1999 Compaq and I gave it another go when I finally upgraded to my next machine. Giddy with anticipation at the bug-fixes that came with the latest patch. Every time I play through it I play as a different clan and keep notice more dialogue differences. I struggle to differentiate between patch added content and stuff I just missed my last time through. Whenever I relate to someone about this game we have completely different experiences from our in game choices and it leads to a, “I wonder what happens if I do this,” marathon.

So many options and I want to see what happens for every one of them.

Gameplay

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines is a first person/third person (your preference) action RPG game. Every vampire is defined by their clan, whether they want to or not. A characters clan determines their attribute points, skill points, and what abilities they can use — wanna dominate someone’s mind? Not as a Toreador you won’t. Every clan has also got a certain strength and a crazy weakness. Some weaknesses are as benign a losing more humanity when they do something untoward to looking like a literal monster like those of the Nosferatu Clan. Every character has feats scores which determine how effective they are at actions. Each of these feats is the sum of the relevant attribute and ability scores.

I.E Strength + Brawl = Unarmed or Dexterity + Security = Lockpicking.

By ancient law and tradition everyone you meet will make you do something before they help you. I’m totally serious on this one, not only is it written into the rules of the table-top that all newbies have to work for the higher ups but they implemented that into the game. And I mean every-fucking-body will tell you to kill someone or find something before they’ll give up the goods.

If you thought no one would send the Mac-10 toting raver on a fetch quest, you’d be wrong.

The real meat of the game is exploring, wandering around, and messing with people’s lives for good or ill. And there’s something brewing in the Heart of LA, something that mixes together all the clans and supernatural into a giant pot that’s at risk to boil over. Naturally as the chose one — or whatever– it’ll lie to you to deal with it.

The Gush

I guess all of that content made but unimplemented paid off eventually because the programming in this game is really robust. Every character will remark on the character’s clan, attributes, and actions. Some things are effected by a characters humanity, preventing them from using their social graces if they grow too inhuman. Playing a Malkavian completely changes the game’s dialogue into nearly indecipherable babble that only makes sense in hindsight.

Complete with talking televisions and arguments with stop signs.

I’ve never played a game where I was more interested in speaking with characters. Usually I troll around, trying to find someone with a quest or something interesting to say but Bloodlines lead me to talk to everyone. Sometimes they would say crazy things, sometimes they would have cryptic hints about the crazy stuff going on, but they always had something interesting to say.

Speaking of characters, the voice acting in this game is really good. With VAs like John DiMaggio, Steve Blum. Phil LaMarr, and Grey Griffin they really knock it out of the park. The performances create characters I come to care about and really want to listen to. Combine this with Brian Mitsoda’s character driven writing and it creates an experience that’s oozing with charm and style.

This is THE White Wolf RPG game, accept no substitutions. There are no other games with the White Wolf license that are better designed or more well known. If you want to play Vampire but can’t get an RP group together, then this game will scratch the itch.

The Haunted Hotel. That is all.

The Kvetch

This game will not run or operate well without an unofficial patch and maybe a few mods. It’s almost absurd to purchase something with the knowledge that it won’t run on purchase but it’s something that comes with Bloodlines. The patches are easy to find and free (And the latest update was on April 20th, 2015) but it means plugging and playing isn’t an option. It’s a wonder to me that the distributor doesn’t just bundle the patch in with the game.

Sometimes the animations and textures are just downright ugly when I don’t think they’re supposed to be. I played a Toreador my first time through and they’re all a bunch of vain art divas so I checked myself out and I looked pretty good — especially for a dead guy. I went to open a lock and BOOM, I’m looking at one of the grossest hands in video game history. Then there are cinematics which include hoodlums shooting recoilless uzis into the air while the most stock sound effects I’ve ever heard for gunfire blast in stereo. It’s rough and blocky and breaks my immersion something fierce.

This game is pretty glitchy and crashy even when it’s been patched. I’ve seen bosses freeze, dialogue get skipped or misfire, and certain quests become broken for completely unknown reasons. This is just the stuff I’ve seen, mind you, there are horror stories out there about glitches in this game.

Unless my character has obfuscate, the power to go invisible, I can’t stealth. I don’t know what’s up with the stealth system but it seems like no matter how many points I cram into it it’s never enough. Normally it’s not a problem but there are some quests that can only be completed stealthily.

The fucking sewers. That is all.

The Verdict

This game has got its ups and downs but as I said, it is THE White Wolf RPG bar none. If you want to play in the Vampire setting or you want a satisfying Vampiric gaming experience in any variety then it’s either this game or nothing. It’s still being patched today and let that be a testament to how good this game is and how much work people are willing to put into it to help it flourish. I would suggest at least grabbing it on sale and then seeing where the night takes you.

Next Week: No Time to Explain

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Call of Pripyat (PC)

We return to The Zone in the aftermath of shenanigans at its center. The zone is becoming more unstable — and yet safer in some ways. The military is stepping up their efforts to investigate the zone — although they’re shockingly ignorant of its workings. They begin operation Fairway, their bid to take over Pripyat and the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and investigate the goings on there. They sent four helicopters into the center and they’ve lost all radio contact. You are Major Degtyarev being sent into Pripyat undercover as a Stalker to figure out what went wrong with the operation. You’re underequipped, underinformed, and otherwise unready to handle the rigors of the zone but it wouldn’t be a Stalker Game otherwise.

History

Sorry Stalkers in the making, I couldn’t find much of note about the development of the game. It was released by GSC Game World, like the other Stalker games and was distributed to the world by a cadre of different publishers. GSC was able to publish it in the CIS but Viva Media and Deep Silver released it in North America and Europe respectively.

It was released on October 2nd, 2009. It’s competition was Demon’s Souls (PS3), Saw: The Video Game (PS3 and XBox 360), and Brutal Legend (PS3 and XBox 360).

Experiences

If there was a feeling I felt the most in this game it would be confusion. I can think of no other FPS I’ve gotten lost in more. Between unmarked quest objectives, mysterious Zone stuff, and unclear instructions it’s difficult to figure where to go or what to do. It might seem like certain conversations are just they for flavor but many of them hint at tasks and most of those tasks offer no instruction whereas as some topics are just dead ends. ‘Find Barge and Joker’ translates into look it up or get lucky finding some dead bodies. It’s frustrating to have no clues whatsoever. If they mentioned something like, “Barge and Joker went west after the argument” or “They mentioned something about artifact hunting,” then I’d have some direction and feel like I wasn’t just wandering around and hoping for completion.

Gameplay

Like Stalker games before it Call of Pripyat is a horror based first person shooter. Unlike Clear Sky, however, there’s no longer a relationship between primary mechanics and story. There are no territory control mechanics or zone destroying threats this time around, the scales are much smaller and much more personal. The game is very much a sandbox that rewards the player based on how much they put into it. The reward for exploration is usually more powerful weapons or achievements that give the player additional benefits like free ammo or medical restocks in settlements. This game highlights the elements of survival in the zone much more, Degtyarev must keep himself fed and rested or his stamina, and eventually health, will suffer.

Even though it’s got fewer locations I’d say they’re better designed overall and they look great.

The game takes place in Zaton, a large swampy area, Yanov, a former train yard, and Pripyat, an small town. These areas form a sort of new frontier for the zone, these are areas that the player has not visited in either Clear Sky or Shadow of Chernobyl. Though the artifacts, mutants, and anomalies might be similar the politics and atmosphere have changed quite a bit. There’s no more Sidorovich, no more faction wars, and much fewer of the comforts they provided. Getting better gear will take a greater toll on the characters’ wallets or they’ll have to do some hunting. As such you’ll find fewer enemies in Exo-Suits or with incredible gear unlike Clear Sky which had a heavy soldier in nearly every squad.

You never know what you’ll run into in Call of Pripyat.

The Gush

Praise be to The Zone, the player can now shoot Bloodsuckers while they’re invisible. This might seem small but those bastards have been getting the better of me and wasting my ammunition for too long. They’re cloak is much less obvious to balance but I can throw a grenade and kill the damn things.

Not to say that they’re still not vicious as hell.

The world of Pripyat feels very alive. Squads of Stalkers go to anomalous areas to look for artifacts — and they can find them if the player doesn’t — while bandits will be on the look out for Stalkers to ambush and loot to steal. Mutants, zombies, and monolith leave their lairs and fortified areas looking for supple Stalkers to eat.

The quests in this game offer real choice as how to complete them. It’s no longer a matter of going here and doing this, it’s a matter of guys not knowing what to do and you fill in the blank. You go to pay someone’s debt and the assholes try to charge you interest, what do you do? You find a PDA holding information about someones secret weapons warehouse, who do you sell it to? The choice and consequences are yours.

Anomalous zones are now marked on your map so it’s much easier to find where to go artifact hunting. In addition you can now sleep in settlements so you can explore at night or during the day, whichever is your preference.

The Kvetch

Apparently the whole voice acting department died in a fruit punch anomaly between this game and the last and GSC got their replacements from people on the street. The voice quality has dropped off hard since Clear Sky. I think they’ve got 5 voice actors, all told, and 2 of them voice almost everyone and they’re really bad. I don’t know what happened but get ready for some grating voices and painful deliveries.

Back on that whole direction problem I was talking about in Experiences, it would be so much better if they told the player that certain quest objectives are just on certain maps. I needed to get some poison to eliminate a Bloodsucker lair and I found some locked tanks on a jeep holding the stuff. I figure there’s a master key in a military or industrial facility somewhere and I check every factory or barracks I can get my hands on. I ask everyone about the damn things. As it turns out the keys are on other parts of the motercade the tanks were on. There’s no hint or indication where the key is whatsoever.

And I’m not the only one with this problem. There’s a whole Gamefaqs post devoted to this quest.

I don’t know if it’s a glitch, I wouldn’t put it past a Stalker Game — this game’s the most stable of the three but still has issues –, but there’s a mutant called the Burer — remember Mr. Ugly face up there? That’s him — who can knock your gun out of your hands. It’s an interesting mechanic and a little annoying but I think it’s cool. The problem comes when I can’t find the gun afterward. I don’t know if it’s falling through the floor or flying to some part of the room where I just can’t find it. But it means my prized shooter is gone and I’ve gotta reload my last save even if the beast is dead. It’s unfun, unfair, frustrating, and happens to me at least once a playthrough.

The Verdict

The gameplay is much improved and everything feels more thematic overall. There’s a lot of unfair or non-existant signposting that leads to frustration. Quests are sometimes difficult to complete because you won’t know what to do next and there are just too many hidden objectives and goals in the game overall. This game is a guide game. You’ll play it with a strategy guide for WHEN you need it. It’s still fun and it’s still Stalker and it’s interesting to see the ecosystem of the Zone just go. But it still scratches that Stalker itch.