Inside (PC, Xbox One, and PS4)

This game’s got a deep story and is eminently spoilable. As such this review will contain minimal spoilers and will not mention any big twists that may or may not be in this game.

A faceless child is on the run from a vague yet menacing scientific organization. Through wilderness and ruin they will go, forever toward the East. To what ends? I cannot say. You’ll have to play and discover that on your own.

History

Inside was developed by Playdead, a Danish indie studio known for making Limbo and Inside. Inside was designed and intended to be a spiritual successor to Limbo, taking that game’s systems to a more refined extreme. Limbo had been made with a custom engine but Inside used the Unity engine to great effect. It lightened the workload and increased the ease of development.

Inside was released on June 29th, 2016 (For XBox One). It’s competition was The Technomancer (PC, PS4, and XBox One), Trials of the Blood Dragon (PC, PS4, XBox One), and Pokemon Go (iOS, an Droid).

Experiences

This game got me really immersed. I was totally into running from the agents and their hounds. I didn’t know why I had to go East but I could tell that it was important. This was a kid driven by some impulse or force and I wanted to know why. I went as far as to let the child rest after a daring and close escape. Thinking that somehow, my treatment of the child would impact events in some way. But then there’s an event around the half-way mark that took the wind out of my sales and pissed in my cheerios… but more on that later.

Gameplay

Inside is a puzzle platformer which means the child is gonna end up moving boxes and climbing things. He’ll also probably end up pushing buttons or pulling levers that do weird things to the area. No matter what, your goal is to eliminate or circumvent whatever obstacles come between you and the left side of the screen.

Oh, and some stealth elements thrown in there sometimes, maybe, sort-of.

One of the main puzzle mechanics are the control helmets. You may notice mishappen and listless not-men in the background at various points in the game. If you see these guys there’s probably a control helmet nearby. Shove your skull into that thing and the drones will come to life and start mimicking your movements and actions. Bear in mind, these not-men are much stronger than you — it sucks to be twelve.

The Gush

It’s difficult to avoid comparisons between Inside and Limbo so I’m not even gonna try. Thankfully I’ve got nothing but good things to say. In the same way that Left 4 Dead 2 is just a more fine-tuned Left 4 Dead 1, Inside is a more refined Limbo. More striking visuals, more forgiving checkpoints, and more mechanical elements than it’s predecessor. It doesn’t get stale though simply because so much time has passed between the releases and because the stories are completely different.

Speaking of story, although Inside doesn’t spell out what the plot is it’s clear that there is one. It’s easy to make meaning of who the child is and what they’re looking for especially once they find it.

I found the puzzles to be simple but fascinating. I only got stuck for any length of time twice. One of those instances was simply a platforming challenge that I thought was more complicated than it was.

The bizarre puzzle elements are so memorable that I remember this area’s gimmick from the image alone.

Although if these puzzles are too easy for you then you can search for the 13 secret orbs. Explore the world to its limits to find and disable these hidden and secret machines to unlock a sort of secret ending.

The Kvetch

I do take umbrage with the platforming in some instances. Some jumps require pixel precision which is exacerbated by the child’s walk cycle. It’s difficult to determine exactly where they’re standing, prompting an early jump and subsequent death. I mentioned getting stuck in a platforming situation. I ended up spending 20 minutes trying to find a puzzle solution for a jumping problem.

Time for some minor spoilers and a major gripe. Inside thrives on a minimalist story. Presenting only as much information as it needs for the mind to build a cohesive narrative. There is a point though I cannot reconcile. In the game we are introduced to a mer-person who haunts the waters. It is fast, strong, and deadly. Never hesitating to pursue the child and sparing no brutality in dispatching them. There comes a point where the mer-person suddenly develops a conscience — or something — and elects to rescue and empower the child. After mulling this moment over in my head for nearly two weeks now, I cannot figure out why this creature does this. I cannot fathom an explanation and no other media sources has been able to offer a satisfying explanation — or any explanation at all. It seems so small but in a short concise game it really ripped me out of the story and destroyed my immersion for the rest of the experience.

That siren? Save my life? That’s gonna need an explanation.

The Verdict

Inside is good. It’s damn good. It’s a monument to indie quality, what a game is, and how it can make you feel. But it has that one serious blemish for me. My repeated attempts to cover it up should stand as testament to its quality and how close it is to working. Still, if you’re seeking a wild but succinct experience with a low barrier to entry then Inside will do well by you.

Next Week: Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Fallout 2 (Mac and PC)

At this point the tale of the Vault Dweller has been obscured by the mists of time but it’s assumed that he thwarted the villainous Mutant Master and was exiled from Vault 13. Being a symbol of connectedness to the wastes he was sent into the Northwest so that the Vault members would leave en masse. There he met a tribe and led them with wisdom and experience — and more than a little resentment about the whole exile thing. This tribe settled in a little village they called Arroyo and thrived for a generation. Sadly, ill fortune has begun to plague the small village. Failing crops, spreading sickness, and afflicted children mark Arroyo’s decline. As a descendant of the Vault Dweller the people turn to you, their Chosen One, to find something called a Garden of Eden Creation Kit. A GECK is a device that can make any plot of barren, irradiated wasteland into a flourishing paradise. If you can find it in time then Arroyo can be saved but a GECK is a rare thing and the wasteland is a dangerous place… what I’m saying is good luck.

History

Fallout 2 was developed by Black Isle Studios and published by Interplay Entertainment, just like its predecessor. Tim Cain still directed and Brian Fargo still produced but lots of the team changed around. Between Fallout 1 and 2 there was a mass exodus from Black Isle as team members couldn’t get satisfying answers from Interplay concerning the structuring of their new team. Having an engine and a setting all ready made more time for developers to create a larger world with more items and more systems.

Tim Cain, hard at work yet again.

Fun fact: This exodus created Troika, the developers who would create Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines.

Fallout 2 was released on September 30th, 1998. It’s competition was Pokemon Red and Blue (Gameboy), Metal Gear Solid (PS1), and Resident Evil: Director’s Cut (PS1).

Experiences

This game is difficult and expansive. I’ve spent hours wandering the wastes in my Highwayman or on foot trying to find cities, hidden encounters, and taunting raiders into ill conceived fights for caps and experience points. All this in order to grind in the empty hopes that someday I’ll have enough health to survive a Super Mutant’s mini-gun barrage. There are a lot of towns and a lot of quests, far more than Fallout 1. If you’re willing to risk nasty encounters and radiation poisoning you can find interesting things — although this creates a bizarre situation where it’s unclear whether radiation means ‘go away’ or ‘come closer’. I ventured out in search of new places and new people to help — or murder and rob — but it was never enough. I was never strong enough to reliably defeat my enemies and never tough enough to reliably survive. I’m not sure if I was playing the game wrong. I eventually resorted to using a character creation guide to make what the community regarded as the strongest character. This incredible difficulty might just be a result of the game’s 90s game design sensibilities. Save early and save often, I suppose.

Gameplay

What I wrote in the Fallout 1 review concerning gameplay will basically cover things here. Different quests, same mechanics, more perks, more items.

The major gameplay inclusion is idiot mode. If your character has 2 intelligence or lower they will be known as the Dim One. This completely changes the game as your character will be too dumb to communicate with normal people. That being said among other idiots and the occasional animal your character is considered a genius. Your only hope for a sensible interaction with the non-dim of the wasteland is to munch on some brain-boosting Mentats — but be careful to not get addicted. So if you’re looking for something silly then go forward, Dim One.

Behold, a conversation with the otherwise dim Torr through the eyes of a moron.

The Gush

There is only one game in the Fallout series in which it is possible to recruit a Deathclaw as a companion. It’s this one. If you be pure of heart then you can convince the erudite albino beast to join your quest. Even though he can’t equip anything his hide serves as decent armor and his claws can rip through enemies like a blade through tender Brahmin steak.

Art by Igliang. Goris is his name and he’s a real cool — and deadly — dude

New Vegas was good at offering multiple ways of completing a quest and it learned everything it knows from Fallout 2. But as the saying goes New Vegas didn’t teach everything it knew so it’s got some tricks up its sleeves. So broaden your mind, think about the ramifications of your actions, and how you want to solve a problem. Because if you think it will work, it probably will.

The cast of returning characters from Fallout 1 is respectable but not too immense. Harold and Tandi return — I always love to have a chat with Harold — but they’re joined by Mr. Bishop, Marcus the mutant sherrif, and First Citizen Lynette of Vault City. All these characters come with their own custom portraits and distinct attitudes and stories. And these are just the really big major characters because there are so many out there just waiting to be met!

This game has got a lot of humor in it, straight up. Some of the jokes land, some of them don’t, some of them break the fourth wall but in the end it left me in stitches.

HA HA! Censorship jokes.

The Kvetch

This game has got a lot of blind corners, so to speak. There are a lot of quest solutions with unforseen circumstances and a lot of quest circumstances with unforseen solutions. I’ve spent too much time talking to every character wondering if they’re able to help with one of the many quests I have active. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell which NPCs are vital, simply important, or mere peasants that spout off stock dialog because of the model re-use. It’s also difficult to tell sometimes what will set certain characters off and force an unwanted firefight. In short, I said to save early and save often and I meant it. This is the 90s, saving and reloading was the solution to this problem. But I don’t find it to be a satisfactory one.

Fallout 2 is hard as balls. I’ve made characters who were nearly unable to pass through the tutorial area despite being created to be as powerful as a level 1 wastelander can be. It wasn’t made with modern sensibilities in mind and sometimes your character literally will not have the skills to complete a quest to your satisfaction. It’s just incredibly difficult to create a satisfactory balance between making a character who can survive to the late game and being able to dominate late game threats. In short, do you remember that point in Fallout 3 where you got your power armor and became an unkillable death machine? That never happens here. At least Ron Perlman has something sarcastic to say every time you die.

The Verdict

Do you remember my Might and Magic VII: For Blood and Honor review? I said there that the enjoyment derived from the game was from mastering a series of systems and sending the game a big F U by beating it. Fallout 2 is like that but with more characters that I give a damn about and far more ways to influence the world. You’ll more likely need the guide than you did in M&M VII but the wasteland you’ll be exploring is so much more diverse and interesting than most other game worlds, especially of the time. This game will make you care in a way that M&M VII doesn’t. You can purchase it on Good Old Games or Steam for $10. If you were still interested in exploring the wastes then I suggest picking it up and keeping the Fallout wiki open on your browser for WHEN you get stuck or lost.

Next Week: Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel.

Just kidding, I meant to say Fallout: Tactics

Still joking, it’s actually Inside

Fallout 4 (PC, PS4, and XBox One)

Back on over to the east Coast. If you spent enough time in the Capital Wasteland’s Rivet City then you probably heard something about the Commonwealth and something about an escaped Android. A clever bit of foreshadowing as Fallout 4 brings us to the very same Commonwealth. You play as the Sole Survivor of Vault 111, a vault devoted to cryogenic freezing. Your frozen slumber is interrupted by someone kidnapping your infant son and killing your spouse in their pod. When systems fail and you fully come to then it’s time to find your son. But we’re dealing with a nuclear wasteland here, just getting from A to B can be a chore much less finding a kid. Thankfully, as the protagonist of a Bethesda game everyone needs your help and your destined to become the center of attention!

History

Fallout 4 was developed by Bethesda Game Studios and directed by Todd Howard. The big elements were the characters free form creation system. Eschewing the previous series’ physical attribute sliders the player could instead simply click and drag the face to alter its features. The player could also add marks to that face to add flavor. It also touts a fully voiced protagonist very much like those in the Mass Effect series.

Fallout 4 was released on November 10th, 2015. It’s competition was Call of Duty: Black Ops III (PC, PS3, PS4, XBox 360, and Xbox One), Starcraft II: Legacy of the Void (PC), and Mordheim: City of the Damned (PC).

Experience

This game is a tragedy of shifting priorities. When I came out of the Vault I was on a b-line to save my son but almost immediately ran into some settlers who needed rescuing. So, I took care of them and then they needed someone to build their home up. No problem, I built them a little town. Now I can start the search for my son in earnest. Oh? What? A settlement needs my help? Alright, I’ll take care of them and oh? You need me to retake your giant base? Hold on, I’ll take care of that right after I do a special quest for my companion. And so on and so on.

These would all be fine but MY INFANT SON needs my help! By the time I found him 8 in game months had passed. At that point I was an unstoppable killing machine but I felt like a terrible parent. I just wish that the fun parts of the game didn’t have a price tag of that misery attached. Either that or finding the son needs to be the most fun thing the game has to offer before it lets the player screw around.

To the game’s credit it does a good job of getting the player attached to the child.

Gameplay

Fallout 4 is special. Literally, say goodbye to skills Fallout 4 is all about those Special scores. Every special score is rated from 1-10 and they still confer passive bonuses like how Endurance gives the character more health and Intelligence gives the character a bonus to experience point gains. Whenever you level up you can put a point into one of your special attributes or take a point in a perk. For instance if you have 4 points in Luck you can take the perk Mysterious Stranger perk and occasionally the fedora-ed fiend will assist you in VATS — by blowing your opponent away with his 44. Magnum.

And there are a ton of perks.

VATS is back and mostly the same. Now you can spend your Action Points to sprint — just don’t get caught dashing into a firefight. Every time you hit a target in VATS you store critical juice in your crit meter. When you’ve got a gallon of crit juice in the meter then you can invoke an extra damage dealing, automatically hitting critical hit — nothing like storing up a gallon and then hitting that ‘impossible’ shot from across the map.

The two big things that this game wanted you to know it had on launch was settlement building and weapon customization. With the right work table and perks you can take a weapon and tool it up. Putting in new parts to increase damage or accuracy. These upgrades require resources like oil and screws so keep your eyes open for relevant scrap and junk. You can also use these scrapped resources to build settlements…

Settlements require food, water, beds, and people. Certain areas will have access to fresh water and other areas will have access to different resources so creating trade routes can help your settlements shore up the weaknesses of others. Some towns may come under attack if their security score is not high enough. The more resources the town has then the more protection it needs. You can also put your citizens to work manning scrap salvage stations or shops to bring it more resources you can use — or pawn and pocket the profits.

The Gush

One of my favorite Fallout 3 stories highlights its shoddy gunplay. I was ambushed by a feral ghoul and fired my hunting rifle randomly in panic — my gun wasn’t even pointed at the thing. I could see the bullet come out of it at an impossible angle and crit the ghoul in the head. It was at this point that I learned that the game’s gun physics didn’t operate on logic but were simply determined as hits or misses based on accuracy and skills. That’ll never happen in Fallout 4. Bullets, more or less, shoot straight and where you point them. This good shooting feelings also ties back into the weapon customization. You made that awesome gun, and it feels good to shoot it.

This game is a great example of a ‘colorful cast of characters’. You’ll meet the mayor of a drug riddled town who is a ghoul dressed like a founding father, named Hancock no less. Or you might run into the android detective Nick Valentine, a private dick with a literal heart of steel. And these guys are also companions! Not only can you interact with them but you can take them on the go.

He’s just a simple ghoul who likes his hat. Oh yeah, and Jet, he also loves Jet.

I really liked the settlement system. As someone who loves anything with a territory control mechanic being able to customize that territory really popped my toast. I claimed every single settlement that there was to claim and I took care of them all as best as I could. I even went as far as making decisions in the game based on how my citizens might view my actions.

Fallout 4 deals with the radiation statistic like it never has before. No longer does it simply lower stats or apply ineffectual debuffs radiation simply lowers the character’s maximum health. This makes every source of radiation or enemy that deals radiation damage more important than the last. It’s a simple and brilliant innovative implementation of an old Fallout element.

The Rant

Alright everyone, get your helmets on. Do you guys remember when I talked about the different factions in Fallout: New Vegas? If not, then go read that. The basic point is that all of the New Vegas factions form together into an analogous view of the world. All with creeds and agendas made to inspire. My college campus was filled with proud little patriots who devoted themselves to the New California Republic or those who thought the enigmatic Mr. House had a hold on things — not so much support for the Legion though. But, if none of them interested you then it was totally possible to strike out on your own and go your own way. Fallout 4 has none of this.

The four factions you have to choose from in the Commonwealth are the Minutemen, who will clearly fall to pieces and divide into a series of feuding tax lords  someday. I only suggest this because THIS LITERALLY HAPPENED the last time the organization got too big for its britches. It might last until the protagonist dies but I’m trying to save the wasteland not just put a big band-aid on it.

I am not entrusting the Commonwealth to laser musket toting hicks.

Then we have the Institute, the boogey-men of the Commonwealth. Sending out their synthetic androids in the dead of night to kidnap people and do their bidding. They claim to want to heal the wasteland by purging it but there’s just no good way to put a spin on that. The story that cemented my view of the Institute is in a terminal in one of their labs. It’s a report about a plant seed experiment. They found a prospering farm in the wastes and immediately thought of how they could exploit it. So they took the patriach of the family, kidnapped in the night, and tortured him until they learned everything he knew. Learning this they killed him and put his consciousness into an android replica. They also sent this replica new seeds to see how they would grow in this wasteland soil. The report explained that once the Institute got the data they wanted they were going to burn the farm down so no one could learn what they had and they were going to kill everyone there so no one could figure out what happened. I’m not letting these crazy elitists command my wasteland.

The Brotherhood of Steel is back and they’re way more fascist then they used to be. Elder Lyons died of natural causes and Sarah Lyons died soon after in a routine combat exercise allowing Elder Maxson to rise to power — I’m certain that stink of assassination betrayal is coming from someplace else. Maxson is young, cocksure, and just a total dick. I know that’s what the Brotherhood on the West Coast stands for but this was the East Coast faction, this was Lyons’ Brotherhood. Elder Lyons turned them into a different beast, he was a man devoted to rehabilitating the wasteland and its denizens. Instead of jealously guarding technology he educated the people until they could be trusted with it. It was a bold new step for the organization. But Maxson’s return to form is a regression and makes no sense. Do you mean to tell me that the boy who was mentored by Elder Lyons and fell in love with Sarah heard a tale of his father’s glory and turned back on everything they taught him? OH WAIT! They could be doing a thing! What if the Institute replaced him with a synth and I have to save the Brotherhood from itself?! But that’s not what’s happening at all. Come on Bethesda! I’m coming up with gold here!

This Deathclaw can’t even watch as Bethesda bungles everything.

Alright, last faction, better be a good one. We’ve got The Railroad, a group of slave liberating, android rescuing, fascism fighting freedom fighters. I’ll be frank, I really love these guys. By any measurement they’re stand up people who are really trying to help the wasteland but there’s one giant problem with leaving it in their care. There’s not enough of them. They’re the smallest organization by far and their sphere of influence is quite small. Their ideals are admirable but backing them might mean society’s collapse as their unable to control the darker elements of the wastes.

Oh well… looks like I’ve got to take the lead again. OH WAIT! I can’t. That’s right, there’s no way to go into business for yourself. There’s no way to truly put yourself in charge. If the thesis of the game is that there is never a satisfying organization then that’s just not cool. Even if it were true that there’s no organization that will ever satisfy our needs it wouldn’t be wrong for the game to offer the fantasy to build one. New Vegas was able to create three factions that all had their downsides but people were still willing to look past, ignore, or remain unaware of them. There isn’t a single organization in Fallout 4 that anyone I know was behind without being totally unaware of what they truly stand for.

In short, they dun goofed. They created a world where the finale would never be satisfying because the finale always means putting someone lame on the throne. And I still don’t know why I can’t just put my rump down on the throne of the wastes.

The Kvetch

Once we get past that gigantic glaring flaw highlighted in the rant and my other major emotional flaw highlighted in the Experience there’s still more griping to be had. Fallout 4 has a little too much action and a little too little RPG. Despite having the ability to freely mold my character’s face I found it incredibly difficult to create the character as a character. New Vegas offered me traits and incredibly flavorful perks that could make my character an anarchist, or a weirdness magnet, or someone who didn’t like resorting to violence. Fallout 4 has none of that and then further hobbles itself by creating one of the most unsatisfying dialogue systems in history. Mad ups for making the main character fully voiced but when they have so little to say and so little character it doesn’t matter. And I’m not irked at the voice actors, they do a great job, but their scripts are really lacking. In any given dialogue your character can respond like a goodie two-shoes, a jerk, a sarcastic quipper, or an average person. The game doesn’t even explain what you’re going to say. The sarcastic option is literally labled Sarcasm sometimes!

Even the simplest situations in the earlier games gave your character the opportunity to highlight their unique traits, whether positively or negatively.

Every 3D Fallout game has been buggy but this one is on a whole other level. Settlements routinely forget that they have access to resources when I leave but suddenly remember them when I come to visit. I’ve fallen through the ground more times than I can count and other objects keep phasing through things! And to top it all off one of my settlers got into my only suit of power armor and turned into THIS!

Not only do they look like a goddam Deathclaw but now I’m out a suit of power armor an that shit ain’t cheap!

The Verdict

Fallout 4 is fine. Fine but flawed. If you wanted to run around the wasteland and blow up Super Mutants you’re going to have a blast. But if you wanted to leave an impact on that wasteland that wasn’t tied to fiddly settlement management you’re going to be disappointed. Unfortunately Fallout 4 is an action-RPG that’s too heavy on the Action and not enough on the RPG. Is it worth 30 dollars? I dunno, maybe. But it’s certainly not worth that and whatever the DLC is charging.

Next Week: Fallout 2.

Fallout: New Vegas (PC, XBox 360, PS3)

We’re going back to the West Coast with this title, back to the world of New Reno, The New California Republic, and Vault City. It’s been a long time since the Vault Dweller thwarted the mutant tyranny of The Master in Fallout 1 — echoes of his accomplishments still reverberate throughout the wasteland. The NCR has expanded far to the east and the battle for Vegas has arrived. As soon as the NCR reached Vegas their rivals to the East, Caesar’s Legion, did the same. Now these two ideologically opposed factions butt heads over the control of Hoover Dam, the major electricity provider for the Mojave Wasteland.

Meanwhile the enigmatic lord of New Vegas, Mr. Robert House, tries to acquire a long lost piece of technology, a small platinum poker chip. He’s spent a lot of cash getting it back and uses the Mojave Express to hire a Courier to deliver it to him. You are this Courier, ambushed by a man named Benny and his hired Great Khan goons. He caught you just outside of the little town of Goodsprings, shot ya in the head, and left ya for dead. Quick action by the local robot guardian, Victor, saved your life — robot got it in his brain to drag you to the local sawbones.

Back on your feet New Vegas is now your playground. Wanna get revenge? Want to leave the past behind and find a new life? Want to explore the wastes and the realms beyond? Go for it, do whatever, there’s no wrong answer. But all roads lead to Vegas and remember, the House always wins.

Robert House, ever smug.

 

History

So, it’s 2008, Fallout 3 was a critical and commercial success, but Bethesda is busy making The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. How do they capitalize on this Fallout Fever, this Nuclear Malady, this Wasteland Zeal? They call up Obsidian Entertainment, a company founded by Black Isle Studios veterans (Remember those guys? The ones who made Fallout 1 and 2). With a team directed by Josh Sawyer, of Interplay fame, they wanted to return to the West Coast and make a game set between Fallout 2 and 3 but Bethesda put their foot down on Pre-Sequeling. They did like the idea of a Vegas based game however. So Obsidian went to work, recycling ideas that were created in the discontinued Van Buren project, to continue the story they had abandoned 4 years ago — recycling things like Caesar’s Legion for instance.

Fallout New Vegas was released on October 19th, 2010. It’s competition was Super Meat Boy (XBLA), Dragon Age: Origins – Ultimate Edition (PC, XBox 360, PS3), and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II (PS3, XBox 360, PC, Wii, DS).

Experiences

New Vegas is a masterful combination of mechanical complexity and raw experience. Between the quests, how they effect your interactions with the game’s factions and people, and the bizarre — but compelling — scenarios presented in the game and DLC the whole thing hits so many points it would be overwhelming if executed poorly. I would have to say that Obsidian most masterfully executes this dance between mechanic and meaning in The Lonesome Road DLC. It’s hard to believe it accomplishes so much. It was able to revive a character the writers were having a lot of fun with but had to cut, Ulysses.

What started as a mystery brought along by his appearance in playing cards packaged with the pre-order edition evolved into a full blown manhunt in the face of his attitude and presence in the various DLC campaigns. He’s always one step ahead of the player, he’s this enigma that serves as a sort of shadow for The Courier. Except you’re his shadow forever behind him until you finally meet on The Lonesome Road. A figurative high noon, where a shadow meets its source. The pursuit asks questions about player vs. character identity and the nature of identity as a whole. It went as far as to redefine one of the great riddles of the series — I mean, who would Obsidian be if they did not know their history?

In short, this game has a lot of things going on, running the gamut of experiences. It manages to showcase them all without coming off as exhausting or pulling itself in too many directions like, for instance, Elder Scrolls games tend to do

Gameplay

Didja read the Fallout 3 gameplay section? No? Then read that then read this. New Vegas introduces more in depth factions like cities, towns, the NCR, crime syndicates, and New Vegas neighborhoods. When you do right by them, they’ll do right by you and if you take advantage of, or outright kill them, don’t expect them to lend a helping hand. This system interacts independent of karma so you can still be a cold blooded bastard even though the Great Khans treat you like royalty.

Your faction reputation will also effect how certain companions react to you.

The maximum level with no DLC additions has been boosted up to 30 from 20 but you only get half as many base skill points as you did in Fallout 3 and perks are only awarded every other level, so choose wisely. The DLC raises the level cap up to 50 and unlock new perks and character traits.

DID I JUST SAY CHARACTER TRAITS?! That’s right, traits make a triumphant return. Traits are passive and subtle alterations to your character that help customize your aesthetic, narrative realness, or playstyle. For example Four Eyes which confers a perception bonus if the character is wearing glasses or a penalty if they’re not. And of course, I can’t leave out the inclusion of Wild Wasteland. Were you missing all the crazy stuff that used to happen in the classic Fallout games? Spent too much time in 3 searching for The Tardis or Monty Python’s Bridge of Death? Well, take the Wild Wasteland trait and you can now find the peculiar wonders of the Mojave.

They’re really mild but they can add a lot of character to your experience.

The Gush

New Vegas manages an impressive balancing act between elements of Fallout’s past, the completely new, and a cowboy aesthetic in a way that creates a bizarre world composed of the immediately recognizable. Not since Shadowrun’s 6th world have I seen such a cohesive setting with so many disparate elements.

Cowboys shooting robots? Wut? Shit happens in the Mojave.

This game offers far more player choice than the previous installment while keeping it all relevant. The Dam is an important resource whether you support Caesar’s Legion, The NCR, or Mr. House. They will all appreciate your services whether you’re truly devoted to their cause or a simple mercenary. And best yet, if you don’t like any of their ideologies you can flip them all the bird and set out on your own.

Despite being a game about the downfall of mankind and people just barely able to get by Fallout has had very little to do with survival. So long as the character avoids irradiated hellholes the player character need never eat, drink, or sleep. New Vegas introduces Hardcore Mode which gauges a character physical needs and penalizes them if they’re not met. If the game was too easy and you wanted a solid reason to hoard all those cans of beans then Hardcore mode is for you.

This game has got some solid DLC. Vanilla New Vegas has got more than enough content to satisfy a player but if they’re hungry for more then Obsidian has got some side-dishes all set up. I’ve already spoken about That Lonesome Road but New Vegas also includes Old World Blues where the player finds some brain in jars doing science. It’s also got the obligatory take everything from the player and force them to survive scenario in Dead Money. Oh yeah and then there’s…

The Kvetch

Lonely Hearts. It’s not even vanilla. It’s more like water. It’s bland, barely sustaining, but fine. It’s not toxic. It’s just not worth five dollars for a dose.

Behold! The legendary Joshua Graham… and he cleans guns and talks.

Fallout 3 had invisible walls around the edge of the map. A sad result of a finite world, unavoidable in a packaged product. Fallout New Vegas has invisible walls on mountains the player can climb. You’ll be about to crest over the peak and then an invisible wall gently but firmly tells you ‘best go around me, I know it’ll take 10 minutes to make the trek. I know that you can see your destination just beyond me. But I don’t give a fuck.’

The Verdict

Well we’re almost at the 1500 word mark and if it doesn’t show, I wuv this game — I wuv it to death with nuclear arms. I’ve been from one end of it to the other, there are very few areas and locations that I haven’t explored. The vanilla game is ten dollars on Steam and that’s a steal, the Game of the Year edition is only twenty! So if you want a great big, old, retro-futuristic, robot filled, cowboy having, desert wasteland adventure then this is the game you’ve been looking for all this time.

Next Week: Fallout 4

Fallout 3 (PS3, XBox 360, and PC)

Alright, I wanna talk about Fallout 4 but I should probably establish context for my thoughts and feelings first. Which means I could mention the previous installments and what influenced my expectations for the series… or I could do full reviews of Fallout 3 and New Vegas! If you want to kick it old school and see what Fallout was like in 2D check out my Fallout 1 review. (And don’t worry, sometime I will get to the golden gem that is Fallout 2)

Fallout 3 takes place on the East coast of the US this time around. Time to go to Washington DC itself, the heart of the country and the highest on the Geiger Counter — it’s the nation’s capital, you can bet the Chinese nuked the hell out of it. You play as the child of Vault 101’s Doctor (In case you didn’t know, Vaults are shelters designed to endure the nuclear pummeling the surface took). Trapped beneath the Earth your father longed to go to the Wasteland above, something about a Project Purity. But all interaction with the surface is expressly forbidden by order of the Vault’s Overseer. Your father, not a man who likes to be told what to do, escaped despite this. You, desperate for answers, follow and escape as well.

The wastes are not what you expected or were prepared for. Mutants, bandits, dangerous creatures, technologically advanced agents, and strange goings on await you outside the Vault Door. And as always these loose factions are embroiled in a bitter war for survival and dominance.

Rule 1: Don’t mess with the guy with the shoulder mounted, nuclear capable, catapult.

History

At this point in Fallout’s development history things were in rough shape. The combat heavy but story starved Fallout Tactics sold well but was considered non-canon and not as compelling as the originals. Interplay then developed and published Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel, a game very much like Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance — and just as disappointing– which sold just as well its fantasy counterpart.

Black Isle Studio was developing Fallout 3 under the code-name Van Buren but in the face of their parent company, Interplay, filing for bankruptcy were forced to cancel. With the rights to Fallout and no way to keep the franchise going to life Interplay sold the Fallout IP to Bethesda for 1.17 million dollars. Long time members of the Fallout development team were saddened about not being able to continue the story.

Bethesda wasted no time using the Gamebryo engine and employing the same team that created The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion to create Fallout 3. Development started slowly but once all of Oblivion’s DLC and add-ons were completed development started on Fallout 3 in earnest. It would continue the legacy of the original games by sharing its focuses on non-linear gameplay, violence, and dark comedy.

Fallout 3 was released on October 28th, 2008. It’s competition was Fable II (XBox 360), LittleBigPlanet (PS3), and Command and Conquer: Red Alert III (PC).

Experiences

Fallout 3 is exceptional at building a mood and atmosphere. It’s filled with vast empty spaces and where there are people desperate for the necessities of life. It’s totally possible to wander 10 minute stretches without running into anything, dangerous or otherwise. There are picnic areas populated by nothing but skeletons, abandoned caves, and all sorts of locations with a little loot and perhaps the remnants of a sad tale.

Yet where there are people, even in the stable places, they’re generally in trouble or need. Between Underworld’s dwindling supply of scrap metal and Ashur’s daughter’s fascination with teddy bears, everyone needs something. And they generally don’t have the manpower to get it — and most self respecting mercs won’t got hunting for stuffed toys.

I don’t have a problem! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!

But the point is that you can feel it. In the mutants, raiders, and townsfolk they’re all one bad season away from getting wiped out. The mood strikes the player and entices greed or charity. It forces the question ‘Do I give them what I have or keep it because I deserve it more?’

Gameplay

Fallout 3 is a first person RPG shooter. You walk around chat with the locals and if anyone gives you flack, gets in your way, or refuses to listen to reason — whatever excuse you prefer — you can perforate them or bludgeon them to death with your implement of choice. Alternatively, if you don’t trust your ability to click things — or just want some slick camera angles put on your killing — you can use the Vault Assisted Targeting System or VATS for short. VATS stops time and presents the ability to target specific enemy limbs.

‘Don’t shoot for the legs’ they said. ‘It’s not as spectacular’ they said.

The SPECIAL system returns strong and presents numerical representations of a characters Strength, Perception, Endurance, Charisma, Intelligence, Agility, and Luck. Which then determine a characters derived skills — which now has a much smaller list than the previous 2D games… goodbye gambling. Every level the character gains bestows skill points and perks! Perks give the character more specialized advantages such as earning more skill points per level or doing more damage to mutated creatures. Sadly, traits no longer exist and were scrapped for this title.

You’ll wander the wastes and find lots of people who need help. These are great opportunities to influence the wasteland for fun or profit, good or ill. Find a town beset by mutants? You can help ’em out for free and get some warm fuzzies, get a fair wage out of it, or gauge them for cash — you deserve it more anyway right? And besides, who else is gonna risk their neck?

Become that jerk merchant from the end of every RPG! ‘I can’t kill these ghouls for anything less than 1000 caps.’

These choices and actions determine how other people treat you by altering your karma. Karma comes in the good and bad varieties and has a subtle effect on how people treat you. It can even determine which companions will join you on your quest — ‘cept Dogmeat, he don’t give a damn who you kill or why you’re doing it.

Who’s a good boy?

 

The Gush

This game has so many goddam locations and almost all of them have something interesting going on. From the Rebublic of Dave’s current election woes to the mysteries of the Dunwich Building if you pick a direction and start walking you’ll eventually find something cool.

Speaking of places, I really like the settlements of the DC Wasteland. From Megaton to Rivet City I find it really interesting how the people of the wasteland try to eke out a living. They’re also all really well designed physically and efficiently.

Behold! Megaton! Pay no attention to the undetonated bomb in the village pond.

Two words, Three Dog. The player’s armbound computer has a radio and one of the stations on the air is Galaxy News Radio. GNR’s DJ brought the world of Fallout 3 to life for me, commenting on my accomplishments and failings. Three Dog also functions as a miniature tutorial, telling the player simple things about the game. And an opportunity to have some tone setting tunes from the 50s. He also gives the player hints about where to find quests. If Three Dog mentions a mysterious grove of trees out there, you can go find it!

The DLC in this game is really solid. The Pitt and Point Lookout present new environments for the player to explore and Broken Steel continues the game beyond its original finale. Mothership Zeta is… well disappointing but I’ll get to that. Overall it’s definitely worth the purchase — but maybe not at five dollars a pop.

The Kvetch

Why did the Mothership Zeta DLC get created? We could have gotten anything else besides aliens. Aliens were in Fallout 2 and those aliens seemed like they had some sort of mysterious agenda. It was really better left unspoken. But now we’ve got that aliens have no goddam agenda. I see what they’re doing but cannot make sense of it. Whatever, kill them and get some sweet laser guns.

I really don’t like how the finale punishes the player for being intelligent. Spoiler free, there’s a thing that’ll kill the player if they do it. Alternatively, the player can ask a companion who’s not susceptible to the danger danger to take care of it instead. The final cutscene then mocks the player for being unwilling to die an unnecessary death at the ripe age of 21. I guess it doesn’t pay to think creatively for this choice in the game.

The Verdict

Uhhhhh, yeah, this game is awesome. My greatest wish for this game is that I could wipe my memory of it and explore it all again. Now that I know what I’m doing, where I’m going, and what to expect there’s nothing left for me. That being said, this was only accomplished after hours of exploration, searching every nook. The game of the year edition is frequently on sale, full price it’s still only $20, and I highly recommend getting it with the DLC. Playing it again, it’s hard to believe that this game is 8 years old because it still looks fine, plays smooth, and is incredibly fun.

Next Week: Fallout: New Vegas

Lisa: The Joyful (PC, Mac, Linux)

This game is the sequel of Lisa: the Painful so all the trigger warnings from the previous game apply which include physical, emotional, and sexual parental abuse, themes of violence, drug addiction, sexual assault, and suicide.

Also, here’s a spoiler warning. Seriously, I’m gonna spoil the shit out of the ending of Lisa the Painful in the next sentence. Here I go. At the end of Lisa: The Painful Brad tracked Buddy down, found her under guard of the Rando Army,  fought his way through all of them, and even beat Rando himself in order to ‘rescue’ her. Unfortunately, his use of the the drug Joy caused him to mutate into one of the deformed beasts that have dotted the wastes. Buzzo captures the Brad mutant and warns Buddy of the dangers of the road ahead. Rando, battered but still alive, convinces Buddy that they can travel to a safe place nearby.

After Rando recovers enough to travel they come to the border between West Olathe and East Olathe. The border is marked by an obelisk which lists the top gang leaders of the wasteland. Rando implores Buddy to join him in rallying his army and bringing peace to the world. Buddy has a different idea to bring about peace. Brad taught her to be strong, to kill anyone who would try to hurt her. If the world is so hostile then she will rule it by killing the other gang leaders and forcing everyone in the wasteland to bow to her.

History

Lisa the Joyful was DLC for the original game. It was created in response to Lisa Kickstarter reaching its stretch goals. And… that’s about it… it’s 5 dollars.

Fun Fact: Buddy is Dingaling’s least favorite character.

Experiences

After the sheer silliness and exhileration of The Painful, The Joyful comes as a bit of a let-down. The gameplay is fine, the story brings Olathe’s tale to a close but the focus is off Lisa. Lisa’s is a tale of abuse and each of the games has been like seeing the ripples in the pond expanding from the nexus of the Marty’s terrible acts. Lisa: the First features Lisa as the protagonist exploring the realm of her mind. The Painful spreads out to her, remaining kin and failed protector, Brad and how her abuse shaped him and his actions. Then Joyful expands out to the third generation, so to speak, Buzzo, Rando, and Buddy who’s live were touched by Brad and therefore Lisa.

The ripples from Lisa are still present but it’s much more a story about Olathe, a world that I never grew much attachment to. It turns out that, as usual, asking the question is more interesting than answering it. Creating the world of Olathe, depicting a world without women, introducing the themes of abuse and suffering, that was all very interesting. As Olathe’s terminus, this game makes all the fade away.

Get all that? Good, get to killing.

Gameplay

Lisa: The Joyful plays almost exactly the same as its predecessor but it’s different in a series of content amputating ways. Buddy never acquires a gang and so there is no longer  a motley crew of drunken fuck-ups — she is accompanied by Rando but he is but one sober broken man. there are also fewer areas and fewer options in combat. Just about the only thing this game adds is the ability to jump — Brad was too old, Buddy is still young and nimble. She can also don or remove masks to hide her identity or provoke fights from any NPC — anyone who sees that she’s a girl will probably respond violently. Buddy’s techniques also introduce a sort of timed hit mechanic to inflict critical hits and additional effects.

The Gush

This game has a few crucial choices in it which will require separate playthroughs to fully explore. This game really wraps up all the loose ends and because it’s so short it’s not a bother to play through it multiple times. Of course, like the others, this game is full of secrets so look around and take advantage of that jumping ability. In short, it’s short and uses that to its advantage.

The Kvetch

Lisa: The Painful had so many hidden and secret characters and items. I feel like The Joyful with its elimination of companions, and limited items and weapons makes a game where the existence of such hidden things would be pointless. But… those were some of my favorite things! I mean, thanks for not bringing me to any pointless treasure troves but I do miss the joy they brought me.

It’s just you and Rando for most of the game so it’s important to think more tactically than ever before. This game is hard and will push you to use your noggin and your items. Think before you run off, get dunked, use all your items, and then get a save in which it’s nearly impossible to move forward. This game can easily put you in a state where you’ve got to start over because you’ve wasted too many supplies.

The Verdict

Although not nearly as entertaining or interesting as the previous installment — I would say it’s almost stale — I was willing to finish simply because it was so short and I wanted to know the end of the story. All the different endings tie up a lot of loose ends and put a nice bow on the story of Olathe, Brad, Lisa, and all those her experiences touched. For five dollars on Steam, I would get it if you wanted just that final drop of the Lisa experience.

Next Week: Fallout 3

Lisa: The Painful (PC, Mac, and Linux)

Trigger warning: This game includes themes of physical, emotional, and sexual parental abuse. It also includes themes of sexual abuse, drug addiction, and suicide. And although none of those themes are graphically depicting the violence in this game fluctuates frantically from slapstick to sickening.

It’s the end of the world. Every woman in Olathe has been killed in an apocalyptic disaster known only as the White Flash. You play as Brad, a karate master with a strong body but a vulnerable soul. While he’s wandering the wastes, looking for a good place to take his drug of choice, Joy, he finds a baby lying in a bundle on the ground. He takes it back home and discusses with his three friends what is to be done with the child. Upon discovering that it’s a girl — almost definitely the last girl in all of Olathe — Brad vows to keep her safe no matter what, citing that this is his ‘second chance’. Brad names the child Buddy and they live a good life, considering the circumstances. When Buddy is about 14 she is kidnapped from their home. Knowing that the world has been without women for nearly two decades Brad is acutely aware of what will become of her. Brad sets out to return her to safety and battle his inner demons along the way.

Brad is a… man with problems… deep seated problems.

History

The Lisa trilogy was developed by Dingaling Productions, a studio comprised of Austen Jorgensen and whoever he needs to finish the job. Lisa: The First was created by Dingaling in 2012. A short game jammed into RPG maker depicting Lisa’s life. Jorgensen then launched a Kickstarter campaign to cover expenses of Lisa: The Painful in November of 2013. It requested $7,000 and made over twice that much finishing at $16, 492. It included such rewards as an art book, the soundtrack, and the ability to design a gang, party member, NPC, or Villager. Having reached the $10,000 mark Jorgensen agreed to continue the story with DLC known as Lisa: The Joyful.

Lisa: The Painful was released on December 15th, 2014. It’s competition was I Am Bread (PC), Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes (PC), and Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker (WiiU).

Experiences

The first thing I heard about this game was Woolie from Two Best Friends lamenting that he accidentally chose Pain Mode and that Pain Mode makes the save points explode after use. It was at that point I realized what this game was going to be like. It was going to be about suffering, pain, and incredibly difficult choices. A game that demands tactical thinking if Brad and his pals want to get as many of them out alive. The thought was so daunting that I swallowed my pride and played through in normal mode — The Resident Evil typewriter ribbons always turned me off but exploding save points is on a whole other level. From the very beginning this game fostered an atmosphere of despair. Offering curious situations and dark comedy that allowed me to laugh through the pain long enough to keep going.

By now you know that I’ve got potion paralysis and trying to figure which save points to use tactically is a giant headache. But that’s what this game is about.

Gameplay

Lisa is a turn based RPG with platforming elements in the 2D overworld map. Brad explores the land looking for loot, new companions, and whatever he needs to continue down the trail of corpses Buddy’s captors are leaving behind.

Combat is an interesting experience that drunkenly stumbles between incredibly dangerous enemies and some opponents that literally cannot deal damage. Opponents choose attacks randomly from their lists of moves while your characters unleash their techniques with SP — a system very much like the classic mana system — and TP — a system very much like the limit break system. Point being, get your numbers high, try to keep them that way, and try to fight tactically because this game has a lot of limited resources. If you run out of healing items or firebombs there may be no way to restock!

When it comes to Brad’s companions, they come in various shapes and sizes to complement your playstyle. Most of them are useless but excel in certain areas. It’s the player’s responsibility to make their uselessness effective somehow. The big thing about them is that they can all die at various points in the game. Whether an enemy decapitates them or a sadistic gang leader is holding them hostage blind luck or player choice can put your beloved companions into the grave. Point being, there’s a big difference between knocked out and dead.

There are a helluva lot of these bastards. Some cool, some hilariously uncool.

The Gush

When I explained this game to one of my friends they described the actions of the characters in the game as cave-manish and I think that’s a perfect description. The men who wander these wastes are silly, violent, and mostly very stupid. The behavior of these characters depict toxic masculinity at its finest.

It’s also partially inspired by immense boredom. I bet they just do this to pass the time.

The soundtrack in this game might not be conventionally listenable but it compliments the the game perfectly. The soundtrack is distinctly Lisa and I cannot imagine Lisa’s soundtrack being anything else. Between moody atmosphere, bizarre noises, and warbling synth it plays an integral part in crafting Olathe.

Brad, and some of his companions, are addicts to the drug known as Joy. Joy makes the user feeling nothing at all — and to a haunted man like Brad, feeling nothing is bliss. It also refills the users HP and SP in combat and gives them the buff, overjoyed, which significantly increases their damage and critical hit chance. Despite its positive effects, I bet that using it has negative consequences as well… just call it a hunch.

Dingaling doesn’t shy away from this game’s relation to Earthbound. Imagine if the darkness and humor ratios in Earthbound were reversed, leaving a dark and twisted world which occasionally transforms into a comic romp before its shocking and sickening return to reality.

Fuck you. I’ll cry whenever I want… which happens frequently playing this game.

The Kvush

This game’s design is often poor and unsatisfying but it was created that way on purpose. It’s part of the game’s thesis that these things be unsatisfying. This game is not a power fantasy, it’s designed to make you feel bad. Unlike Darkest’s Dungeon’s ‘greater good’ feelings when it comes to sending party members to their demise Lisa offers no empty platitudes. When you let someone die for your sake or any other the game let’s you know that it’s your fault and that you did it because you were selfish — whether for monetary gain or personal preservation it was your choice. To top it off the whole thing is filled with lose lose choices. There is no right option, there’s just your option. You’ve made your house, you have to live in it. It’s dissatisfying, but it’s not in the Kvetch section because it was made to be that way.

The Kvetch

I know that Lisa’s design is made to be punishing but I find it incredibly frustrating that allies not participating in a combat get no experience points. It would be too powerful if they all got full xp regardless of participation but it would be great if they got some sort of runoff. Even if that comes at the expense of the normal party. I know it makes the game easier and less tedious but no one likes a grind of this caliber. I could send my outclassed party members to the Russian Roulette tournament but… I’d rather not.

Jumping off a cliff in the overworld is instant death. This might sound like a no -brainer and seem like a fun quirk but it’s actually really fucking annoying. When I’m walking around I have to be paranoid levels of careful around ropes next to cliffs. If my finger slips and I miss that rope Brad will jump gleeful into the welcome embrace of oblivion — destroying god knows how much progress. Which wouldn’t be so bad if nearly every rope wasn’t put perilously close to said cliffs. I know it’s part of the intentionally painful design but it just turns me into a wreck.

The Verdict

Lisa: The Painful is deliciously depressing, marvelously dark, and filled with reviving doses of humor. If you’re prepared to look into the cold, dark, unflinching, stupid eyes of the most monstrous aspects of humanity then I suggest you check Lisa out. For the low price of $10, it’s not even a risky investment. But I do warn, there are many parts of this game that are not fun, downright dissatisfying,  and downright malicious. There are choices that will push your to the limits. Choices that show sometimes, being selfish is the ‘right thing’ to do.

Next Week: Lisa: The Joyful

Crusader Kings 2 (PC, Mac, and Linux)

The King is dead and it’s your time to rule. Choose from a Kingdom across Europe and take control of its monarch. Consolidate your power and, essentially, do whatever you wish. Do you want to be the king of Ireland? Go for it. Simply wish to amass wealth? Nothing wrong with that. The one thing you must do is manage your family because continuing the game is not about the persistence of your nation. Instead it is based on the persistence of your dynasty — and the last thing you want is that blithering idiot, Michael, on the throne.

History

Crusader Kings II was created by the Paradox Development Studios and published by Paradox Entertainment. They’ve been known for publishing and creating other Grand Strategy games. Uhhh… sorry, no trivia today.

Crusader Kings II was released on February 14th, 2012. It’s competition was The Darkness II (PC,PS3, and XBox 360), Dear Esther (Mac and PC), and Alan Wake (PC).

Experiences

I won’t lie, I have a hard time keeping track of the members of my dynasty and my children. To remedy this I name all my children silly things based on their randomly generated names. I mean, who could forget about DRAXX and his brother NACHO. NACHO’s son, NACHO II, was good with money from a young age, he made a great Steward on the council. DRAXX’s sons didn’t work out so well. His third son EON OF AGES thought that he was better suited to rule and tried to lead a revolution. It failed and DRAXX had to watch his son EON OF AGES rot in the dungeons for several decades.

ALL HAIL MOTHRA! QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS!

Gameplay

Crusader Kings II is a Grand Strategy game which basically means it’s a gigantic menu-fest where each menu has value imposed on in from a series of stats and numbers. It’s a very slow burn game where master strategies get built up until they culminate in a master stroke. It’ll seem like nothing has happened in years and then France ceases to exist and has been divided into 13 feuding mini-kingdoms.

Oh goodness, those two mini-Frances almost make a whole France.

You play as a King, Duke, or Count who vie for power internally and externally. Your character is based on the Diplomacy, Martial, Stewardship, Intrigue, and Learning statistics which are influenced by the characters traits. Traits include things like being Zealous, Ambitious, a Genius, a Leper, or Slothful. Traits also effect how different characters feel about each other and certain choices become available to characters with certain traits.

It’s difficult to fully express how many different menus there are and how they interact with the world around you but I’ll cover the most important menus with the most activity. Those would be the character panel, where you can see your stats and choose your ambition, see your family, and check on various loyalties. And the other is the council where your most trusted –hopefully– and skilled –also hopefully– advisers do your bidding. These are the Chancellor, Marshal, Steward, Spymaster, and Court Chaplain.

Seriously, that game has so many goddam menus. They do become familiar over time.

The big thing that differentiates this from games like Medieval II: Total War is that diplomacy is mired in ancient laws and traditions. It’s impossible for a character to declare war on someone else unless they have a just cause to do so. This is where the intrigue and skullduggery comes in. Where diplomatic marriages and bribes are used to fabricate or create claims on someone else’s territory. Which allow a declaration of war and subsequent invasion.

The Gush

The ruler designer is one of the greatest pieces of DLC ever imagined. Normally you have to choose from one of the currently existing rulers of the age but the ruler designer changes that. It allows you to insinuate a new ruler with stats and traits of your choosing as the ruler of whatever county, dukedom, or kingdom you choose. I’m personally fond of strong, lustful, hunchbacked, midas touched, lepers. Overall the designer is a great opportunity to try different things and see what suits you.

All he needs now is a dumb name in all caps so I remember he’s mine.

The writing in this game is really good. The descriptions of traits, the phrasing of letters, the responses to random events are all witty, pithy, and simply fun. It fills the whole game with flavor and personality.

The Kvetch

This game doesn’t have a difficulty curve, it has a difficulty wall. It took me going through the tutorial twice and watching a lot of guide videos on Youtube before I was able to make heads or tales of what the hell was going on. It was a pretty big investment and I don’t regret making it but it’s something that did suck.

Too much DLC. Wanna play Venice? Gotta buy the DLC. Wanna play a Muslim Monarch? Gotta buy the DLC. Want some new different music? Gotta buy the DLC. It’s just really frustrating to dish out $40 for the game and then $5 or $10 more again and again for so many little things.

Look at this shit? There’s so much! And it just keeps going!

Sometimes RNJesus will hate you and bad shit will happen. Only 5% chance of getting maimed from a random event choice? Oops, now your character’s got no legs and everyone calls him stumpy. 26% chance yearly to fabricate a claim on a county? Takes 10 years to come through.

The Verdict

If a Medieval, Byzantine, Draconian, politics simulator sounds like something that would interest you then this game is really the one stop shop and the only shop at that. I cannot think of another game that goes as in depth as this one. It’s a largely unique experience that’ll keep you switching gears between teaching children one minute and dispatching troops the next. It’s a little pricey at $40 but since it’s the only game of its kind it can command that price. That being said, it’s on sale quite frequently so you can save some cash by being patient.

Next Week: Lisa: the Painful

Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den (PS3, Mac, PC, and XBox 360)

This review is going to assume that you’ve Played Bioshock 2 or read my review on it. So if you haven’t you can check it over here.

Another day, another Alpha Series. You are Subject Sigma — totally different from Alpha. This one’s got a Sigma symbol on his hand and starts the game with telekinesis. Your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to infiltrate Rapture Central Computing and retrieve the schematics of it’s great machine The Thinker. The Thinker is a marvel of Adam fueled machinery, complete with the power to predict future events and replicate the personality of other humans. It’s current owner however is not interested in letting you come near it. He’s insane and screaming something about The Thinker predicting disaster if Sigma get’s too near. Fight your way through hordes of pencil pushing splicers and Limited Edition Lancer Big Daddies as you get to the heart of Minerva’s Den.

History

Minerva’s Den was made by 2K Marin, a studio that’s worked on Bioshock 1, 2, and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified — so it’s not all great. They made the DLC with a team of about 40 people. It was released as the final DLC for the game and the only piece of non-multiplayer DLC content.

Fun Fact: The multiplayer DLC would only matchmake people into the new maps if all players going into the match owned them. So players who purchased these maps almost never got to see them because so few purchased the DLC overall.

Minerva’s Den was released on August 31st, 2010 for PS3 and XBox 360. And on May 31st, 2011 for PC.

Experiences

I played through this game blind for my youtube channel #shill. Playing through it like this gave me me the impression that Bioshock 2’s PC port is a slapdash mess. I had my suspicions with its ‘Press a clear picture of an XBox A button to confirm’ instead of ‘press enter’ or something. But running my recording software made this game crash, stutter, drop frames, and basically shit itself if I had certain Windows Microsoft Word updates installed, the graphics settings were not just so, I sneezed, or sat too still. These interruptions and hindrances definitely negatively impacted my experience and tinged the whole experience with frustration.

Gameplay

Minerva’s Den is just DLC for Bioshock 2 and it’s built on the same engine so it plays exactly like Bioshock 2. I could copy past the gameplay section from my previous review but I won’t.

It’s got some new elements like the new plasmid, Gravity Well which creates a sort of gravity grenade that sucks enemies in and explodes them out. There’s a new Big Daddy that can flash-bang you with its laser gun. And there’s a new laser weapon which is cool, I guess, because it shoots lasers — my major complaint being that it’s a constant stream so I can’t whisper ‘pew pew’ at my computer screen.

Sadly, you can’t blind enemies with your laser gun.

Otherwise it’s a condensed version of the standard fare. Run, jump, shoot, use techno-magic, rescue little sisters (or harvest them, you monster), and get bitched at by people over the radio. And when I say ‘condensed’ I mean that the whole experience gets jammed into 4 levels.

The Gush

Hey! Did you wonder what happened to Tenenbaum after we lost track of her in Bioshock 2? Well this DLC explains that. It’s time for the conclusion to the Tenenbaum story and an explanation as to how and whether she can cure Big Daddies of being golem slaves. It’s only a pity that we had to pay 10 dollars for it.

The bad guy, Wahl’s, interactions with The Thinker and musings on the nature of the predictive equation (the thing it uses to predict the future) are fascinating. He doesn’t understand if he has free will any more or if he’s just an extension of the equation. Does the Thinker control the equation or just read it? It’s really compelling to see this spliced up maniac fall apart in front of our eyes.

The Kvush

The Thinker is a legitimately interesting character. I wanted to hear how it saw itself or what it was like. I basically wanted to know ‘who’ The Thinker thought it was as an artificial being. But…  we don’t get any of that. The Thinker performs tasks with robotic precision as if it doesn’t have the personality we can clearly see that it possesses.

The Kvetch

Okay, so, because this is a Bioshock game there are locks to which the keys are plasmids. But the Gravity Well lock is just plain stupid. Actually, it’s more like the keyhole is dumb but I’ll just explain it. There are locked doors that can only be opened by using Gravity Well on these little diodes beyond the door. So, how do you get the Gravity Bomb to these diode things? Do you throw them in a vent? Nope. Do you use telekinesis to do something cool? Nope. Instead, each door is just seperated by a wall with a huge ass window you throw the poly through.

And it’s a huge hole. This is a security system that could be thwarted by a fucking ladder.

Um… so, Wahl says that Lamb has no influence in Minerva’s Den. That’s cool, I can dig it, gotta keep ’em seperated. But then why does interacting with Little Sisters summon Big Sisters? Why are there even Little Sisters gathering here? I thought they were all meant to collect Adam to turn Eleanor into a Utopian? If that doesn’t make any sense to you then that’s okay because neither does most of this DLC.

Oh man, don’t you hate when you think of a twist more clever than the twist that you get? Yeah… I hate that too.

The Verdict

I’m not a big fan of Minerva’s Den. Apparently it’s got lots of good reviews but I will say that I didn’t like it. If you’re hungry for more Bioshock 2 action then go for it, it’s only 10 dollars and hitting glasses wearing, pollen sniffing, spider- splicers does have a certain satisfaction to it. But if you were totally done with Bioshock 2 then I wouldn’t press the issue.

Next Time: Crusader Kings II

Charles Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (PC)

The year is 2053 and the events you are about to witness — and instigate — are totally canon. Twelve years ago one B-Baller performed a Verboten Jam, invoking the Chaos Dunk. It leveled the venue, wrecked the city, and killed millions (For, as we all know, Basketball is the most powerful force in the universe). The fans grew fearful and in their panic began the great B-Ball purge. Many, once trusted and popular athletes  were slain as a grief-stricken population took revenge. Some ballers survived though, greats like Larry Bird, the treacherous Michael Jordan, and the perpetrator of the Chaos Dunk himself, Charles Barkley.

Without the power of B-Ball to sustain it, and with disaster just behind them, civilization began to degrade and usher in the Post-Cyberpocalypse. A terrorist organization known as BLOODMOSES has threaten the world with bloodshed and pain. They make good on their promise by executing a Chaos Dunk on Manhattan. Barkley claims innocence but his words fall on deaf ears. He must now safeguard his son and take down the true perpetrator of the latest disaster.

History

Charles Barkely Shut up and Jam: Gaiden was created by, infant studio, Tales of Games. Composed of members of an amateur game development forum names included such talents as GZ, Chef Boyardee, bort, and quackgyver. Development started over a discussion about someone on Wikipedia asking if the Space Jam was canon. Prompting further questions about whether the commenter was referring to the Loony Toons canon or Jordan’s life itself.

Barkley is actually referring to the Space Jam B-Ball. Space Jam is canon in this game.

The game was originally created in RPG Maker 2003 but was ported to Game Maker 6.1 due to its greater power and flexibility as a program. The game includes many stolen assets — especially those taken from Michael Jordan: Chaos the Windy City — the music however, was not stolen. With the exception of one track it was all made by Chef Boyardee.

Fun Fact: For all you Final Fantasy X fans out there it’s possible to play through the entire game with the Al Bhed language cypher.

Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden was released on January 22nd, 2008. It’s competition was No More Heroes (Wii), Sins of a Solar Empire (PC), and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii).

Experiences

I cannot recall when I first heard about this game. One of the older Let’s Players whose channel had since become abandoned probably played it. I just know that I saw it someone play it and had to track it down. I was horribly unprepared however for its unrelentingly dark story, grim world, hopeless scenario, and incredibly fun combat. I was expecting a goof, a lark, but I got more than that. I got something legitimately well made considering what the developers had to work with and more-so something imaginative and compelling. Something that transcends the silliness of its source material if you let it.

Gameplay

Charles Barkley Shup up and Jam: Gaiden plays like an average JRPG. There’s turn based combat, combat commands — each character getting unique mechanics to improve their attacks, no less — , skills that exhaust a secondary resource, and if everyone in your party runs out of health then it’s game over. You play as Charles Barkley and any he can call to his cause. That being said, he’s been hardened by the years — at this point he’s 70 years old– he’s cold, callous, and only looks after him and his own.

Of course it’s still tinged with B-Ball video game jargon.

The major draw of the game, however, is not the combat. The more fun and compelling aspects are the story and the world. A narrative that introduces the incredibly absurd and then takes it deadly serious. In which Michael Jordan abandoning his fellow Ballers and joining their persecutors is a serious character event that shapes the story.

The Gush

This game is so far over the top that it cannot see nor remember what the bottom looks like from its current lofty vantage. It’s a thing of wonder. The currency of the Post-Cyberpocalypse is Neo-shekels and Ecto-cooler is a healing item. I should also point out that this age is called the POST-CYBERPOCALYPSE! And yet it’s all so grounded in common story tropes and elements.

The music in this game is shockingly good. One of the songs was stolen wholesale from a Final Fantasy game but I’m of the understanding that the rest of it was made by Chef Boyardee. Even in the most mundane of circumstances the music accentuates the emotional impact of the scene — or is just incredibly metal.

The characters in this game are all so brilliantly realized. From Barkley’s dry, jaded, style to The Ultimate Hellbane’s art, poise, and seriousness everyone is their own creature, rarely limited to stereotype — I mean, the robot beeps and boops a lot like you’d expect a robot to.

B-Ball has never been so fantasized… and it’s great.

The Kvetch

This game is actually shockingly long. So long that I think its drags a little bit. Maybe something could have been cut or something could have been tightened. I’m really digging to find something I don’t like here and this is all I’ve got.

The Verdict

This game is incredible on its own merits and what makes it even better is that it’s completely free. Tales of Games has a free download on their website that’s kept up to date and bug-free for every new edition of windows. I implore anyone out there who doesn’t hate turn based RPGs and could go for something dark and absurd to download Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam: Gaiden. And keep an eye out for its sequel The Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa (Or TMRoTnnEfN7RoCTOGotMC2otHBS for short).

Next Episode: Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den