Fallout: New Vegas (PC, XBox 360, PS3)

We’re going back to the West Coast with this title, back to the world of New Reno, The New California Republic, and Vault City. It’s been a long time since the Vault Dweller thwarted the mutant tyranny of The Master in Fallout 1 — echoes of his accomplishments still reverberate throughout the wasteland. The NCR has expanded far to the east and the battle for Vegas has arrived. As soon as the NCR reached Vegas their rivals to the East, Caesar’s Legion, did the same. Now these two ideologically opposed factions butt heads over the control of Hoover Dam, the major electricity provider for the Mojave Wasteland.

Meanwhile the enigmatic lord of New Vegas, Mr. Robert House, tries to acquire a long lost piece of technology, a small platinum poker chip. He’s spent a lot of cash getting it back and uses the Mojave Express to hire a Courier to deliver it to him. You are this Courier, ambushed by a man named Benny and his hired Great Khan goons. He caught you just outside of the little town of Goodsprings, shot ya in the head, and left ya for dead. Quick action by the local robot guardian, Victor, saved your life — robot got it in his brain to drag you to the local sawbones.

Back on your feet New Vegas is now your playground. Wanna get revenge? Want to leave the past behind and find a new life? Want to explore the wastes and the realms beyond? Go for it, do whatever, there’s no wrong answer. But all roads lead to Vegas and remember, the House always wins.

Robert House, ever smug.

 

History

So, it’s 2008, Fallout 3 was a critical and commercial success, but Bethesda is busy making The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. How do they capitalize on this Fallout Fever, this Nuclear Malady, this Wasteland Zeal? They call up Obsidian Entertainment, a company founded by Black Isle Studios veterans (Remember those guys? The ones who made Fallout 1 and 2). With a team directed by Josh Sawyer, of Interplay fame, they wanted to return to the West Coast and make a game set between Fallout 2 and 3 but Bethesda put their foot down on Pre-Sequeling. They did like the idea of a Vegas based game however. So Obsidian went to work, recycling ideas that were created in the discontinued Van Buren project, to continue the story they had abandoned 4 years ago — recycling things like Caesar’s Legion for instance.

Fallout New Vegas was released on October 19th, 2010. It’s competition was Super Meat Boy (XBLA), Dragon Age: Origins – Ultimate Edition (PC, XBox 360, PS3), and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II (PS3, XBox 360, PC, Wii, DS).

Experiences

New Vegas is a masterful combination of mechanical complexity and raw experience. Between the quests, how they effect your interactions with the game’s factions and people, and the bizarre — but compelling — scenarios presented in the game and DLC the whole thing hits so many points it would be overwhelming if executed poorly. I would have to say that Obsidian most masterfully executes this dance between mechanic and meaning in The Lonesome Road DLC. It’s hard to believe it accomplishes so much. It was able to revive a character the writers were having a lot of fun with but had to cut, Ulysses.

What started as a mystery brought along by his appearance in playing cards packaged with the pre-order edition evolved into a full blown manhunt in the face of his attitude and presence in the various DLC campaigns. He’s always one step ahead of the player, he’s this enigma that serves as a sort of shadow for The Courier. Except you’re his shadow forever behind him until you finally meet on The Lonesome Road. A figurative high noon, where a shadow meets its source. The pursuit asks questions about player vs. character identity and the nature of identity as a whole. It went as far as to redefine one of the great riddles of the series — I mean, who would Obsidian be if they did not know their history?

In short, this game has a lot of things going on, running the gamut of experiences. It manages to showcase them all without coming off as exhausting or pulling itself in too many directions like, for instance, Elder Scrolls games tend to do

Gameplay

Didja read the Fallout 3 gameplay section? No? Then read that then read this. New Vegas introduces more in depth factions like cities, towns, the NCR, crime syndicates, and New Vegas neighborhoods. When you do right by them, they’ll do right by you and if you take advantage of, or outright kill them, don’t expect them to lend a helping hand. This system interacts independent of karma so you can still be a cold blooded bastard even though the Great Khans treat you like royalty.

Your faction reputation will also effect how certain companions react to you.

The maximum level with no DLC additions has been boosted up to 30 from 20 but you only get half as many base skill points as you did in Fallout 3 and perks are only awarded every other level, so choose wisely. The DLC raises the level cap up to 50 and unlock new perks and character traits.

DID I JUST SAY CHARACTER TRAITS?! That’s right, traits make a triumphant return. Traits are passive and subtle alterations to your character that help customize your aesthetic, narrative realness, or playstyle. For example Four Eyes which confers a perception bonus if the character is wearing glasses or a penalty if they’re not. And of course, I can’t leave out the inclusion of Wild Wasteland. Were you missing all the crazy stuff that used to happen in the classic Fallout games? Spent too much time in 3 searching for The Tardis or Monty Python’s Bridge of Death? Well, take the Wild Wasteland trait and you can now find the peculiar wonders of the Mojave.

They’re really mild but they can add a lot of character to your experience.

The Gush

New Vegas manages an impressive balancing act between elements of Fallout’s past, the completely new, and a cowboy aesthetic in a way that creates a bizarre world composed of the immediately recognizable. Not since Shadowrun’s 6th world have I seen such a cohesive setting with so many disparate elements.

Cowboys shooting robots? Wut? Shit happens in the Mojave.

This game offers far more player choice than the previous installment while keeping it all relevant. The Dam is an important resource whether you support Caesar’s Legion, The NCR, or Mr. House. They will all appreciate your services whether you’re truly devoted to their cause or a simple mercenary. And best yet, if you don’t like any of their ideologies you can flip them all the bird and set out on your own.

Despite being a game about the downfall of mankind and people just barely able to get by Fallout has had very little to do with survival. So long as the character avoids irradiated hellholes the player character need never eat, drink, or sleep. New Vegas introduces Hardcore Mode which gauges a character physical needs and penalizes them if they’re not met. If the game was too easy and you wanted a solid reason to hoard all those cans of beans then Hardcore mode is for you.

This game has got some solid DLC. Vanilla New Vegas has got more than enough content to satisfy a player but if they’re hungry for more then Obsidian has got some side-dishes all set up. I’ve already spoken about That Lonesome Road but New Vegas also includes Old World Blues where the player finds some brain in jars doing science. It’s also got the obligatory take everything from the player and force them to survive scenario in Dead Money. Oh yeah and then there’s…

The Kvetch

Lonely Hearts. It’s not even vanilla. It’s more like water. It’s bland, barely sustaining, but fine. It’s not toxic. It’s just not worth five dollars for a dose.

Behold! The legendary Joshua Graham… and he cleans guns and talks.

Fallout 3 had invisible walls around the edge of the map. A sad result of a finite world, unavoidable in a packaged product. Fallout New Vegas has invisible walls on mountains the player can climb. You’ll be about to crest over the peak and then an invisible wall gently but firmly tells you ‘best go around me, I know it’ll take 10 minutes to make the trek. I know that you can see your destination just beyond me. But I don’t give a fuck.’

The Verdict

Well we’re almost at the 1500 word mark and if it doesn’t show, I wuv this game — I wuv it to death with nuclear arms. I’ve been from one end of it to the other, there are very few areas and locations that I haven’t explored. The vanilla game is ten dollars on Steam and that’s a steal, the Game of the Year edition is only twenty! So if you want a great big, old, retro-futuristic, robot filled, cowboy having, desert wasteland adventure then this is the game you’ve been looking for all this time.

Next Week: Fallout 4

Fallout 3 (PS3, XBox 360, and PC)

Alright, I wanna talk about Fallout 4 but I should probably establish context for my thoughts and feelings first. Which means I could mention the previous installments and what influenced my expectations for the series… or I could do full reviews of Fallout 3 and New Vegas! If you want to kick it old school and see what Fallout was like in 2D check out my Fallout 1 review. (And don’t worry, sometime I will get to the golden gem that is Fallout 2)

Fallout 3 takes place on the East coast of the US this time around. Time to go to Washington DC itself, the heart of the country and the highest on the Geiger Counter — it’s the nation’s capital, you can bet the Chinese nuked the hell out of it. You play as the child of Vault 101’s Doctor (In case you didn’t know, Vaults are shelters designed to endure the nuclear pummeling the surface took). Trapped beneath the Earth your father longed to go to the Wasteland above, something about a Project Purity. But all interaction with the surface is expressly forbidden by order of the Vault’s Overseer. Your father, not a man who likes to be told what to do, escaped despite this. You, desperate for answers, follow and escape as well.

The wastes are not what you expected or were prepared for. Mutants, bandits, dangerous creatures, technologically advanced agents, and strange goings on await you outside the Vault Door. And as always these loose factions are embroiled in a bitter war for survival and dominance.

Rule 1: Don’t mess with the guy with the shoulder mounted, nuclear capable, catapult.

History

At this point in Fallout’s development history things were in rough shape. The combat heavy but story starved Fallout Tactics sold well but was considered non-canon and not as compelling as the originals. Interplay then developed and published Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel, a game very much like Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance — and just as disappointing– which sold just as well its fantasy counterpart.

Black Isle Studio was developing Fallout 3 under the code-name Van Buren but in the face of their parent company, Interplay, filing for bankruptcy were forced to cancel. With the rights to Fallout and no way to keep the franchise going to life Interplay sold the Fallout IP to Bethesda for 1.17 million dollars. Long time members of the Fallout development team were saddened about not being able to continue the story.

Bethesda wasted no time using the Gamebryo engine and employing the same team that created The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion to create Fallout 3. Development started slowly but once all of Oblivion’s DLC and add-ons were completed development started on Fallout 3 in earnest. It would continue the legacy of the original games by sharing its focuses on non-linear gameplay, violence, and dark comedy.

Fallout 3 was released on October 28th, 2008. It’s competition was Fable II (XBox 360), LittleBigPlanet (PS3), and Command and Conquer: Red Alert III (PC).

Experiences

Fallout 3 is exceptional at building a mood and atmosphere. It’s filled with vast empty spaces and where there are people desperate for the necessities of life. It’s totally possible to wander 10 minute stretches without running into anything, dangerous or otherwise. There are picnic areas populated by nothing but skeletons, abandoned caves, and all sorts of locations with a little loot and perhaps the remnants of a sad tale.

Yet where there are people, even in the stable places, they’re generally in trouble or need. Between Underworld’s dwindling supply of scrap metal and Ashur’s daughter’s fascination with teddy bears, everyone needs something. And they generally don’t have the manpower to get it — and most self respecting mercs won’t got hunting for stuffed toys.

I don’t have a problem! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!

But the point is that you can feel it. In the mutants, raiders, and townsfolk they’re all one bad season away from getting wiped out. The mood strikes the player and entices greed or charity. It forces the question ‘Do I give them what I have or keep it because I deserve it more?’

Gameplay

Fallout 3 is a first person RPG shooter. You walk around chat with the locals and if anyone gives you flack, gets in your way, or refuses to listen to reason — whatever excuse you prefer — you can perforate them or bludgeon them to death with your implement of choice. Alternatively, if you don’t trust your ability to click things — or just want some slick camera angles put on your killing — you can use the Vault Assisted Targeting System or VATS for short. VATS stops time and presents the ability to target specific enemy limbs.

‘Don’t shoot for the legs’ they said. ‘It’s not as spectacular’ they said.

The SPECIAL system returns strong and presents numerical representations of a characters Strength, Perception, Endurance, Charisma, Intelligence, Agility, and Luck. Which then determine a characters derived skills — which now has a much smaller list than the previous 2D games… goodbye gambling. Every level the character gains bestows skill points and perks! Perks give the character more specialized advantages such as earning more skill points per level or doing more damage to mutated creatures. Sadly, traits no longer exist and were scrapped for this title.

You’ll wander the wastes and find lots of people who need help. These are great opportunities to influence the wasteland for fun or profit, good or ill. Find a town beset by mutants? You can help ’em out for free and get some warm fuzzies, get a fair wage out of it, or gauge them for cash — you deserve it more anyway right? And besides, who else is gonna risk their neck?

Become that jerk merchant from the end of every RPG! ‘I can’t kill these ghouls for anything less than 1000 caps.’

These choices and actions determine how other people treat you by altering your karma. Karma comes in the good and bad varieties and has a subtle effect on how people treat you. It can even determine which companions will join you on your quest — ‘cept Dogmeat, he don’t give a damn who you kill or why you’re doing it.

Who’s a good boy?

 

The Gush

This game has so many goddam locations and almost all of them have something interesting going on. From the Rebublic of Dave’s current election woes to the mysteries of the Dunwich Building if you pick a direction and start walking you’ll eventually find something cool.

Speaking of places, I really like the settlements of the DC Wasteland. From Megaton to Rivet City I find it really interesting how the people of the wasteland try to eke out a living. They’re also all really well designed physically and efficiently.

Behold! Megaton! Pay no attention to the undetonated bomb in the village pond.

Two words, Three Dog. The player’s armbound computer has a radio and one of the stations on the air is Galaxy News Radio. GNR’s DJ brought the world of Fallout 3 to life for me, commenting on my accomplishments and failings. Three Dog also functions as a miniature tutorial, telling the player simple things about the game. And an opportunity to have some tone setting tunes from the 50s. He also gives the player hints about where to find quests. If Three Dog mentions a mysterious grove of trees out there, you can go find it!

The DLC in this game is really solid. The Pitt and Point Lookout present new environments for the player to explore and Broken Steel continues the game beyond its original finale. Mothership Zeta is… well disappointing but I’ll get to that. Overall it’s definitely worth the purchase — but maybe not at five dollars a pop.

The Kvetch

Why did the Mothership Zeta DLC get created? We could have gotten anything else besides aliens. Aliens were in Fallout 2 and those aliens seemed like they had some sort of mysterious agenda. It was really better left unspoken. But now we’ve got that aliens have no goddam agenda. I see what they’re doing but cannot make sense of it. Whatever, kill them and get some sweet laser guns.

I really don’t like how the finale punishes the player for being intelligent. Spoiler free, there’s a thing that’ll kill the player if they do it. Alternatively, the player can ask a companion who’s not susceptible to the danger danger to take care of it instead. The final cutscene then mocks the player for being unwilling to die an unnecessary death at the ripe age of 21. I guess it doesn’t pay to think creatively for this choice in the game.

The Verdict

Uhhhhh, yeah, this game is awesome. My greatest wish for this game is that I could wipe my memory of it and explore it all again. Now that I know what I’m doing, where I’m going, and what to expect there’s nothing left for me. That being said, this was only accomplished after hours of exploration, searching every nook. The game of the year edition is frequently on sale, full price it’s still only $20, and I highly recommend getting it with the DLC. Playing it again, it’s hard to believe that this game is 8 years old because it still looks fine, plays smooth, and is incredibly fun.

Next Week: Fallout: New Vegas

Lisa: The Joyful (PC, Mac, Linux)

This game is the sequel of Lisa: the Painful so all the trigger warnings from the previous game apply which include physical, emotional, and sexual parental abuse, themes of violence, drug addiction, sexual assault, and suicide.

Also, here’s a spoiler warning. Seriously, I’m gonna spoil the shit out of the ending of Lisa the Painful in the next sentence. Here I go. At the end of Lisa: The Painful Brad tracked Buddy down, found her under guard of the Rando Army,  fought his way through all of them, and even beat Rando himself in order to ‘rescue’ her. Unfortunately, his use of the the drug Joy caused him to mutate into one of the deformed beasts that have dotted the wastes. Buzzo captures the Brad mutant and warns Buddy of the dangers of the road ahead. Rando, battered but still alive, convinces Buddy that they can travel to a safe place nearby.

After Rando recovers enough to travel they come to the border between West Olathe and East Olathe. The border is marked by an obelisk which lists the top gang leaders of the wasteland. Rando implores Buddy to join him in rallying his army and bringing peace to the world. Buddy has a different idea to bring about peace. Brad taught her to be strong, to kill anyone who would try to hurt her. If the world is so hostile then she will rule it by killing the other gang leaders and forcing everyone in the wasteland to bow to her.

History

Lisa the Joyful was DLC for the original game. It was created in response to Lisa Kickstarter reaching its stretch goals. And… that’s about it… it’s 5 dollars.

Fun Fact: Buddy is Dingaling’s least favorite character.

Experiences

After the sheer silliness and exhileration of The Painful, The Joyful comes as a bit of a let-down. The gameplay is fine, the story brings Olathe’s tale to a close but the focus is off Lisa. Lisa’s is a tale of abuse and each of the games has been like seeing the ripples in the pond expanding from the nexus of the Marty’s terrible acts. Lisa: the First features Lisa as the protagonist exploring the realm of her mind. The Painful spreads out to her, remaining kin and failed protector, Brad and how her abuse shaped him and his actions. Then Joyful expands out to the third generation, so to speak, Buzzo, Rando, and Buddy who’s live were touched by Brad and therefore Lisa.

The ripples from Lisa are still present but it’s much more a story about Olathe, a world that I never grew much attachment to. It turns out that, as usual, asking the question is more interesting than answering it. Creating the world of Olathe, depicting a world without women, introducing the themes of abuse and suffering, that was all very interesting. As Olathe’s terminus, this game makes all the fade away.

Get all that? Good, get to killing.

Gameplay

Lisa: The Joyful plays almost exactly the same as its predecessor but it’s different in a series of content amputating ways. Buddy never acquires a gang and so there is no longer  a motley crew of drunken fuck-ups — she is accompanied by Rando but he is but one sober broken man. there are also fewer areas and fewer options in combat. Just about the only thing this game adds is the ability to jump — Brad was too old, Buddy is still young and nimble. She can also don or remove masks to hide her identity or provoke fights from any NPC — anyone who sees that she’s a girl will probably respond violently. Buddy’s techniques also introduce a sort of timed hit mechanic to inflict critical hits and additional effects.

The Gush

This game has a few crucial choices in it which will require separate playthroughs to fully explore. This game really wraps up all the loose ends and because it’s so short it’s not a bother to play through it multiple times. Of course, like the others, this game is full of secrets so look around and take advantage of that jumping ability. In short, it’s short and uses that to its advantage.

The Kvetch

Lisa: The Painful had so many hidden and secret characters and items. I feel like The Joyful with its elimination of companions, and limited items and weapons makes a game where the existence of such hidden things would be pointless. But… those were some of my favorite things! I mean, thanks for not bringing me to any pointless treasure troves but I do miss the joy they brought me.

It’s just you and Rando for most of the game so it’s important to think more tactically than ever before. This game is hard and will push you to use your noggin and your items. Think before you run off, get dunked, use all your items, and then get a save in which it’s nearly impossible to move forward. This game can easily put you in a state where you’ve got to start over because you’ve wasted too many supplies.

The Verdict

Although not nearly as entertaining or interesting as the previous installment — I would say it’s almost stale — I was willing to finish simply because it was so short and I wanted to know the end of the story. All the different endings tie up a lot of loose ends and put a nice bow on the story of Olathe, Brad, Lisa, and all those her experiences touched. For five dollars on Steam, I would get it if you wanted just that final drop of the Lisa experience.

Next Week: Fallout 3

Lisa: The Painful (PC, Mac, and Linux)

Trigger warning: This game includes themes of physical, emotional, and sexual parental abuse. It also includes themes of sexual abuse, drug addiction, and suicide. And although none of those themes are graphically depicting the violence in this game fluctuates frantically from slapstick to sickening.

It’s the end of the world. Every woman in Olathe has been killed in an apocalyptic disaster known only as the White Flash. You play as Brad, a karate master with a strong body but a vulnerable soul. While he’s wandering the wastes, looking for a good place to take his drug of choice, Joy, he finds a baby lying in a bundle on the ground. He takes it back home and discusses with his three friends what is to be done with the child. Upon discovering that it’s a girl — almost definitely the last girl in all of Olathe — Brad vows to keep her safe no matter what, citing that this is his ‘second chance’. Brad names the child Buddy and they live a good life, considering the circumstances. When Buddy is about 14 she is kidnapped from their home. Knowing that the world has been without women for nearly two decades Brad is acutely aware of what will become of her. Brad sets out to return her to safety and battle his inner demons along the way.

Brad is a… man with problems… deep seated problems.

History

The Lisa trilogy was developed by Dingaling Productions, a studio comprised of Austen Jorgensen and whoever he needs to finish the job. Lisa: The First was created by Dingaling in 2012. A short game jammed into RPG maker depicting Lisa’s life. Jorgensen then launched a Kickstarter campaign to cover expenses of Lisa: The Painful in November of 2013. It requested $7,000 and made over twice that much finishing at $16, 492. It included such rewards as an art book, the soundtrack, and the ability to design a gang, party member, NPC, or Villager. Having reached the $10,000 mark Jorgensen agreed to continue the story with DLC known as Lisa: The Joyful.

Lisa: The Painful was released on December 15th, 2014. It’s competition was I Am Bread (PC), Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes (PC), and Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker (WiiU).

Experiences

The first thing I heard about this game was Woolie from Two Best Friends lamenting that he accidentally chose Pain Mode and that Pain Mode makes the save points explode after use. It was at that point I realized what this game was going to be like. It was going to be about suffering, pain, and incredibly difficult choices. A game that demands tactical thinking if Brad and his pals want to get as many of them out alive. The thought was so daunting that I swallowed my pride and played through in normal mode — The Resident Evil typewriter ribbons always turned me off but exploding save points is on a whole other level. From the very beginning this game fostered an atmosphere of despair. Offering curious situations and dark comedy that allowed me to laugh through the pain long enough to keep going.

By now you know that I’ve got potion paralysis and trying to figure which save points to use tactically is a giant headache. But that’s what this game is about.

Gameplay

Lisa is a turn based RPG with platforming elements in the 2D overworld map. Brad explores the land looking for loot, new companions, and whatever he needs to continue down the trail of corpses Buddy’s captors are leaving behind.

Combat is an interesting experience that drunkenly stumbles between incredibly dangerous enemies and some opponents that literally cannot deal damage. Opponents choose attacks randomly from their lists of moves while your characters unleash their techniques with SP — a system very much like the classic mana system — and TP — a system very much like the limit break system. Point being, get your numbers high, try to keep them that way, and try to fight tactically because this game has a lot of limited resources. If you run out of healing items or firebombs there may be no way to restock!

When it comes to Brad’s companions, they come in various shapes and sizes to complement your playstyle. Most of them are useless but excel in certain areas. It’s the player’s responsibility to make their uselessness effective somehow. The big thing about them is that they can all die at various points in the game. Whether an enemy decapitates them or a sadistic gang leader is holding them hostage blind luck or player choice can put your beloved companions into the grave. Point being, there’s a big difference between knocked out and dead.

There are a helluva lot of these bastards. Some cool, some hilariously uncool.

The Gush

When I explained this game to one of my friends they described the actions of the characters in the game as cave-manish and I think that’s a perfect description. The men who wander these wastes are silly, violent, and mostly very stupid. The behavior of these characters depict toxic masculinity at its finest.

It’s also partially inspired by immense boredom. I bet they just do this to pass the time.

The soundtrack in this game might not be conventionally listenable but it compliments the the game perfectly. The soundtrack is distinctly Lisa and I cannot imagine Lisa’s soundtrack being anything else. Between moody atmosphere, bizarre noises, and warbling synth it plays an integral part in crafting Olathe.

Brad, and some of his companions, are addicts to the drug known as Joy. Joy makes the user feeling nothing at all — and to a haunted man like Brad, feeling nothing is bliss. It also refills the users HP and SP in combat and gives them the buff, overjoyed, which significantly increases their damage and critical hit chance. Despite its positive effects, I bet that using it has negative consequences as well… just call it a hunch.

Dingaling doesn’t shy away from this game’s relation to Earthbound. Imagine if the darkness and humor ratios in Earthbound were reversed, leaving a dark and twisted world which occasionally transforms into a comic romp before its shocking and sickening return to reality.

Fuck you. I’ll cry whenever I want… which happens frequently playing this game.

The Kvush

This game’s design is often poor and unsatisfying but it was created that way on purpose. It’s part of the game’s thesis that these things be unsatisfying. This game is not a power fantasy, it’s designed to make you feel bad. Unlike Darkest’s Dungeon’s ‘greater good’ feelings when it comes to sending party members to their demise Lisa offers no empty platitudes. When you let someone die for your sake or any other the game let’s you know that it’s your fault and that you did it because you were selfish — whether for monetary gain or personal preservation it was your choice. To top it off the whole thing is filled with lose lose choices. There is no right option, there’s just your option. You’ve made your house, you have to live in it. It’s dissatisfying, but it’s not in the Kvetch section because it was made to be that way.

The Kvetch

I know that Lisa’s design is made to be punishing but I find it incredibly frustrating that allies not participating in a combat get no experience points. It would be too powerful if they all got full xp regardless of participation but it would be great if they got some sort of runoff. Even if that comes at the expense of the normal party. I know it makes the game easier and less tedious but no one likes a grind of this caliber. I could send my outclassed party members to the Russian Roulette tournament but… I’d rather not.

Jumping off a cliff in the overworld is instant death. This might sound like a no -brainer and seem like a fun quirk but it’s actually really fucking annoying. When I’m walking around I have to be paranoid levels of careful around ropes next to cliffs. If my finger slips and I miss that rope Brad will jump gleeful into the welcome embrace of oblivion — destroying god knows how much progress. Which wouldn’t be so bad if nearly every rope wasn’t put perilously close to said cliffs. I know it’s part of the intentionally painful design but it just turns me into a wreck.

The Verdict

Lisa: The Painful is deliciously depressing, marvelously dark, and filled with reviving doses of humor. If you’re prepared to look into the cold, dark, unflinching, stupid eyes of the most monstrous aspects of humanity then I suggest you check Lisa out. For the low price of $10, it’s not even a risky investment. But I do warn, there are many parts of this game that are not fun, downright dissatisfying,  and downright malicious. There are choices that will push your to the limits. Choices that show sometimes, being selfish is the ‘right thing’ to do.

Next Week: Lisa: The Joyful

Crusader Kings 2 (PC, Mac, and Linux)

The King is dead and it’s your time to rule. Choose from a Kingdom across Europe and take control of its monarch. Consolidate your power and, essentially, do whatever you wish. Do you want to be the king of Ireland? Go for it. Simply wish to amass wealth? Nothing wrong with that. The one thing you must do is manage your family because continuing the game is not about the persistence of your nation. Instead it is based on the persistence of your dynasty — and the last thing you want is that blithering idiot, Michael, on the throne.

History

Crusader Kings II was created by the Paradox Development Studios and published by Paradox Entertainment. They’ve been known for publishing and creating other Grand Strategy games. Uhhh… sorry, no trivia today.

Crusader Kings II was released on February 14th, 2012. It’s competition was The Darkness II (PC,PS3, and XBox 360), Dear Esther (Mac and PC), and Alan Wake (PC).

Experiences

I won’t lie, I have a hard time keeping track of the members of my dynasty and my children. To remedy this I name all my children silly things based on their randomly generated names. I mean, who could forget about DRAXX and his brother NACHO. NACHO’s son, NACHO II, was good with money from a young age, he made a great Steward on the council. DRAXX’s sons didn’t work out so well. His third son EON OF AGES thought that he was better suited to rule and tried to lead a revolution. It failed and DRAXX had to watch his son EON OF AGES rot in the dungeons for several decades.

ALL HAIL MOTHRA! QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS!

Gameplay

Crusader Kings II is a Grand Strategy game which basically means it’s a gigantic menu-fest where each menu has value imposed on in from a series of stats and numbers. It’s a very slow burn game where master strategies get built up until they culminate in a master stroke. It’ll seem like nothing has happened in years and then France ceases to exist and has been divided into 13 feuding mini-kingdoms.

Oh goodness, those two mini-Frances almost make a whole France.

You play as a King, Duke, or Count who vie for power internally and externally. Your character is based on the Diplomacy, Martial, Stewardship, Intrigue, and Learning statistics which are influenced by the characters traits. Traits include things like being Zealous, Ambitious, a Genius, a Leper, or Slothful. Traits also effect how different characters feel about each other and certain choices become available to characters with certain traits.

It’s difficult to fully express how many different menus there are and how they interact with the world around you but I’ll cover the most important menus with the most activity. Those would be the character panel, where you can see your stats and choose your ambition, see your family, and check on various loyalties. And the other is the council where your most trusted –hopefully– and skilled –also hopefully– advisers do your bidding. These are the Chancellor, Marshal, Steward, Spymaster, and Court Chaplain.

Seriously, that game has so many goddam menus. They do become familiar over time.

The big thing that differentiates this from games like Medieval II: Total War is that diplomacy is mired in ancient laws and traditions. It’s impossible for a character to declare war on someone else unless they have a just cause to do so. This is where the intrigue and skullduggery comes in. Where diplomatic marriages and bribes are used to fabricate or create claims on someone else’s territory. Which allow a declaration of war and subsequent invasion.

The Gush

The ruler designer is one of the greatest pieces of DLC ever imagined. Normally you have to choose from one of the currently existing rulers of the age but the ruler designer changes that. It allows you to insinuate a new ruler with stats and traits of your choosing as the ruler of whatever county, dukedom, or kingdom you choose. I’m personally fond of strong, lustful, hunchbacked, midas touched, lepers. Overall the designer is a great opportunity to try different things and see what suits you.

All he needs now is a dumb name in all caps so I remember he’s mine.

The writing in this game is really good. The descriptions of traits, the phrasing of letters, the responses to random events are all witty, pithy, and simply fun. It fills the whole game with flavor and personality.

The Kvetch

This game doesn’t have a difficulty curve, it has a difficulty wall. It took me going through the tutorial twice and watching a lot of guide videos on Youtube before I was able to make heads or tales of what the hell was going on. It was a pretty big investment and I don’t regret making it but it’s something that did suck.

Too much DLC. Wanna play Venice? Gotta buy the DLC. Wanna play a Muslim Monarch? Gotta buy the DLC. Want some new different music? Gotta buy the DLC. It’s just really frustrating to dish out $40 for the game and then $5 or $10 more again and again for so many little things.

Look at this shit? There’s so much! And it just keeps going!

Sometimes RNJesus will hate you and bad shit will happen. Only 5% chance of getting maimed from a random event choice? Oops, now your character’s got no legs and everyone calls him stumpy. 26% chance yearly to fabricate a claim on a county? Takes 10 years to come through.

The Verdict

If a Medieval, Byzantine, Draconian, politics simulator sounds like something that would interest you then this game is really the one stop shop and the only shop at that. I cannot think of another game that goes as in depth as this one. It’s a largely unique experience that’ll keep you switching gears between teaching children one minute and dispatching troops the next. It’s a little pricey at $40 but since it’s the only game of its kind it can command that price. That being said, it’s on sale quite frequently so you can save some cash by being patient.

Next Week: Lisa: the Painful

Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den (PS3, Mac, PC, and XBox 360)

This review is going to assume that you’ve Played Bioshock 2 or read my review on it. So if you haven’t you can check it over here.

Another day, another Alpha Series. You are Subject Sigma — totally different from Alpha. This one’s got a Sigma symbol on his hand and starts the game with telekinesis. Your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to infiltrate Rapture Central Computing and retrieve the schematics of it’s great machine The Thinker. The Thinker is a marvel of Adam fueled machinery, complete with the power to predict future events and replicate the personality of other humans. It’s current owner however is not interested in letting you come near it. He’s insane and screaming something about The Thinker predicting disaster if Sigma get’s too near. Fight your way through hordes of pencil pushing splicers and Limited Edition Lancer Big Daddies as you get to the heart of Minerva’s Den.

History

Minerva’s Den was made by 2K Marin, a studio that’s worked on Bioshock 1, 2, and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified — so it’s not all great. They made the DLC with a team of about 40 people. It was released as the final DLC for the game and the only piece of non-multiplayer DLC content.

Fun Fact: The multiplayer DLC would only matchmake people into the new maps if all players going into the match owned them. So players who purchased these maps almost never got to see them because so few purchased the DLC overall.

Minerva’s Den was released on August 31st, 2010 for PS3 and XBox 360. And on May 31st, 2011 for PC.

Experiences

I played through this game blind for my youtube channel #shill. Playing through it like this gave me me the impression that Bioshock 2’s PC port is a slapdash mess. I had my suspicions with its ‘Press a clear picture of an XBox A button to confirm’ instead of ‘press enter’ or something. But running my recording software made this game crash, stutter, drop frames, and basically shit itself if I had certain Windows Microsoft Word updates installed, the graphics settings were not just so, I sneezed, or sat too still. These interruptions and hindrances definitely negatively impacted my experience and tinged the whole experience with frustration.

Gameplay

Minerva’s Den is just DLC for Bioshock 2 and it’s built on the same engine so it plays exactly like Bioshock 2. I could copy past the gameplay section from my previous review but I won’t.

It’s got some new elements like the new plasmid, Gravity Well which creates a sort of gravity grenade that sucks enemies in and explodes them out. There’s a new Big Daddy that can flash-bang you with its laser gun. And there’s a new laser weapon which is cool, I guess, because it shoots lasers — my major complaint being that it’s a constant stream so I can’t whisper ‘pew pew’ at my computer screen.

Sadly, you can’t blind enemies with your laser gun.

Otherwise it’s a condensed version of the standard fare. Run, jump, shoot, use techno-magic, rescue little sisters (or harvest them, you monster), and get bitched at by people over the radio. And when I say ‘condensed’ I mean that the whole experience gets jammed into 4 levels.

The Gush

Hey! Did you wonder what happened to Tenenbaum after we lost track of her in Bioshock 2? Well this DLC explains that. It’s time for the conclusion to the Tenenbaum story and an explanation as to how and whether she can cure Big Daddies of being golem slaves. It’s only a pity that we had to pay 10 dollars for it.

The bad guy, Wahl’s, interactions with The Thinker and musings on the nature of the predictive equation (the thing it uses to predict the future) are fascinating. He doesn’t understand if he has free will any more or if he’s just an extension of the equation. Does the Thinker control the equation or just read it? It’s really compelling to see this spliced up maniac fall apart in front of our eyes.

The Kvush

The Thinker is a legitimately interesting character. I wanted to hear how it saw itself or what it was like. I basically wanted to know ‘who’ The Thinker thought it was as an artificial being. But…  we don’t get any of that. The Thinker performs tasks with robotic precision as if it doesn’t have the personality we can clearly see that it possesses.

The Kvetch

Okay, so, because this is a Bioshock game there are locks to which the keys are plasmids. But the Gravity Well lock is just plain stupid. Actually, it’s more like the keyhole is dumb but I’ll just explain it. There are locked doors that can only be opened by using Gravity Well on these little diodes beyond the door. So, how do you get the Gravity Bomb to these diode things? Do you throw them in a vent? Nope. Do you use telekinesis to do something cool? Nope. Instead, each door is just seperated by a wall with a huge ass window you throw the poly through.

And it’s a huge hole. This is a security system that could be thwarted by a fucking ladder.

Um… so, Wahl says that Lamb has no influence in Minerva’s Den. That’s cool, I can dig it, gotta keep ’em seperated. But then why does interacting with Little Sisters summon Big Sisters? Why are there even Little Sisters gathering here? I thought they were all meant to collect Adam to turn Eleanor into a Utopian? If that doesn’t make any sense to you then that’s okay because neither does most of this DLC.

Oh man, don’t you hate when you think of a twist more clever than the twist that you get? Yeah… I hate that too.

The Verdict

I’m not a big fan of Minerva’s Den. Apparently it’s got lots of good reviews but I will say that I didn’t like it. If you’re hungry for more Bioshock 2 action then go for it, it’s only 10 dollars and hitting glasses wearing, pollen sniffing, spider- splicers does have a certain satisfaction to it. But if you were totally done with Bioshock 2 then I wouldn’t press the issue.

Next Time: Crusader Kings II

Charles Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (PC)

The year is 2053 and the events you are about to witness — and instigate — are totally canon. Twelve years ago one B-Baller performed a Verboten Jam, invoking the Chaos Dunk. It leveled the venue, wrecked the city, and killed millions (For, as we all know, Basketball is the most powerful force in the universe). The fans grew fearful and in their panic began the great B-Ball purge. Many, once trusted and popular athletes  were slain as a grief-stricken population took revenge. Some ballers survived though, greats like Larry Bird, the treacherous Michael Jordan, and the perpetrator of the Chaos Dunk himself, Charles Barkley.

Without the power of B-Ball to sustain it, and with disaster just behind them, civilization began to degrade and usher in the Post-Cyberpocalypse. A terrorist organization known as BLOODMOSES has threaten the world with bloodshed and pain. They make good on their promise by executing a Chaos Dunk on Manhattan. Barkley claims innocence but his words fall on deaf ears. He must now safeguard his son and take down the true perpetrator of the latest disaster.

History

Charles Barkely Shut up and Jam: Gaiden was created by, infant studio, Tales of Games. Composed of members of an amateur game development forum names included such talents as GZ, Chef Boyardee, bort, and quackgyver. Development started over a discussion about someone on Wikipedia asking if the Space Jam was canon. Prompting further questions about whether the commenter was referring to the Loony Toons canon or Jordan’s life itself.

Barkley is actually referring to the Space Jam B-Ball. Space Jam is canon in this game.

The game was originally created in RPG Maker 2003 but was ported to Game Maker 6.1 due to its greater power and flexibility as a program. The game includes many stolen assets — especially those taken from Michael Jordan: Chaos the Windy City — the music however, was not stolen. With the exception of one track it was all made by Chef Boyardee.

Fun Fact: For all you Final Fantasy X fans out there it’s possible to play through the entire game with the Al Bhed language cypher.

Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden was released on January 22nd, 2008. It’s competition was No More Heroes (Wii), Sins of a Solar Empire (PC), and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii).

Experiences

I cannot recall when I first heard about this game. One of the older Let’s Players whose channel had since become abandoned probably played it. I just know that I saw it someone play it and had to track it down. I was horribly unprepared however for its unrelentingly dark story, grim world, hopeless scenario, and incredibly fun combat. I was expecting a goof, a lark, but I got more than that. I got something legitimately well made considering what the developers had to work with and more-so something imaginative and compelling. Something that transcends the silliness of its source material if you let it.

Gameplay

Charles Barkley Shup up and Jam: Gaiden plays like an average JRPG. There’s turn based combat, combat commands — each character getting unique mechanics to improve their attacks, no less — , skills that exhaust a secondary resource, and if everyone in your party runs out of health then it’s game over. You play as Charles Barkley and any he can call to his cause. That being said, he’s been hardened by the years — at this point he’s 70 years old– he’s cold, callous, and only looks after him and his own.

Of course it’s still tinged with B-Ball video game jargon.

The major draw of the game, however, is not the combat. The more fun and compelling aspects are the story and the world. A narrative that introduces the incredibly absurd and then takes it deadly serious. In which Michael Jordan abandoning his fellow Ballers and joining their persecutors is a serious character event that shapes the story.

The Gush

This game is so far over the top that it cannot see nor remember what the bottom looks like from its current lofty vantage. It’s a thing of wonder. The currency of the Post-Cyberpocalypse is Neo-shekels and Ecto-cooler is a healing item. I should also point out that this age is called the POST-CYBERPOCALYPSE! And yet it’s all so grounded in common story tropes and elements.

The music in this game is shockingly good. One of the songs was stolen wholesale from a Final Fantasy game but I’m of the understanding that the rest of it was made by Chef Boyardee. Even in the most mundane of circumstances the music accentuates the emotional impact of the scene — or is just incredibly metal.

The characters in this game are all so brilliantly realized. From Barkley’s dry, jaded, style to The Ultimate Hellbane’s art, poise, and seriousness everyone is their own creature, rarely limited to stereotype — I mean, the robot beeps and boops a lot like you’d expect a robot to.

B-Ball has never been so fantasized… and it’s great.

The Kvetch

This game is actually shockingly long. So long that I think its drags a little bit. Maybe something could have been cut or something could have been tightened. I’m really digging to find something I don’t like here and this is all I’ve got.

The Verdict

This game is incredible on its own merits and what makes it even better is that it’s completely free. Tales of Games has a free download on their website that’s kept up to date and bug-free for every new edition of windows. I implore anyone out there who doesn’t hate turn based RPGs and could go for something dark and absurd to download Charles Barkley Shut up and Jam: Gaiden. And keep an eye out for its sequel The Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa (Or TMRoTnnEfN7RoCTOGotMC2otHBS for short).

Next Episode: Bioshock 2: Minerva’s Den

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (PC, Mac, Linux, XBox 360, and PS3)

After Roland and his friends opened The Vault of The Destroyer in Borderlands 1, but before Jack held Pandora in peril by opening The Vault of the Warrior there was a bit of a transitory period. The one we know as Handsome Jack wasn’t always the terrifying, maniacal, and deluded dictator we met in Borderlands 2. Before his meteoric rise to power he was a simple code-monkey named John. John was assigned to the Hyperion planetary orbiting space station, Helios, and used its facilities to learn about The Vault of the Watcher on Pandora’s moon, Elpis.

As soon as John hires four — or six depending on whether you bought the DLC or not — Vault Hunters to track it down Helios is attacked by a group of ex-Dahl corporation soldiers known only as the Lost Legion. Lead by their commander, Zarpedon — the game treats the name with all the respect it deserves — and assisted by a strange Eridian being they conquer Helios.

And I do mean Strange with a capital S or whatever letter or word that’s supposed to be.

 

You play as one of these Vault Hunters as you run and gun your way across the foreign moon. Use your abilities, jump in sweet moon gravity, slam, and try not to run out of air or get killed by the desperate natives of Elpis.

History

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel was developed by 2K Australia, assisted by Gearbox Software, and published by 2K Games. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford remarked that there was no current plan for a third installment in the Borderlands series because, “We don’t know what that is yet. We can imagine what it must achieve, but we don’t know what it is yet.” I personally think they wanted to keep the Borderlands momentum going so Tales from the Borderlands and the Pre-Sequel got the green light.

2K Australia used their position as primary developer to include a lot of Australia culture — in short, Elpis is literally space Australia (Rugged terrain, monstrous creatures, tough locals… sounds like Australia to me). That all being said, Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel is the last game 2K Australia would ever make and would get shut down on April 15th 2015.

Borderlands: the Pre-Sequel was released on October 14th, 2014. It’s competition was The Evil Within (PC, XBox 360, XBox One, PS3, and PS4), Bayonetta 2 (WiiU), and Civilization: Beyond Earth (PC, Mac, Linux).

Experiences

So, Claptrap is a playable character in this game and I do not know anyone who likes playing him or playing alongside him… except me. Playing him is a super troll tactic because his abilities are actually incredibly powerful but then… you have to listen to him and have him on your team. Now, here’s the thing, I’ve never found Claptrap to be particularly annoying. I understand that he’s got a squeaky voice, occasionally breaks into dub-step solos, has an addiction to high-fives, and is generally awful at everything but I’m luke-warm on it. I think what really pisses people off is that when Claptrap uses his action skill, Vault Hunter.EXE, it prevents or forces all other Vault Hunters to do something. So… naturally I play him all the time.

That being said the Vault Hunter.EXE effects are really powerful… but pseudo random.

Gameplay

Like all Borderlands that came before it, this game is about guns, loot, leveling up, a sprinkling of story, and high silliness in a hostile environment. The setting of the day is Pandora’s, shockingly habitable, moon known of Elpis — I see what they did there with their Greek myth references. The thing that differentiates Elpis from Pandora is that it’s filled with Australians, oh yeah it also has diminished gravity and no oxygen. The creatures are tough and the locals are tougher and they’re all gonna stop you from getting into the Vault of the Watcher.

Zarpedon might be a doofy name but the Lost Legion’s commander will wreck you with or without her robot suit.

Being on Elpis brings unique challenges and mechanics. Since the moon’s got no oxygen you’ve got to keep an eye on your oxygen levels — except you don’t because most enemies drop O2 tanks. And since the moon has less gravity you can jump really high and use a little oxygen to propel you forward. While you’re up there you can also expend O2 to propel yourself into the ground producing a slam that damages all nearby enemies. You can also use O2 to revive downed teammates faster so… O2 is an ever-present and useful resources… cool.

The Gush

Each character now has their own unique vocal responses to campaign dialogue. Some of them even have totally unique banter with NPCs. Playing through the game as every character offers that character’s understanding on things — Except Wilhelm, that guy kinda just cares about the money.

It feels SOOOO good to get off Pandora. Elpis has got laser weapons, a lot of the same problems, but — even though there’s no atmosphere– it was a giant breath of fresh air. It showed me how the galactic corporations screwed over and exploited the resources of other planets in addition to Pandora. And while you’re on Elpis…

… YOU CAN DRAW THE MIGHTY EXCALIBASTARD FROM THE ROCK or…

You can meet a new cast of kooky characters! Meet Janey Springs, The Merriff, and kill a sentient AI who’s only crime was trusting the universe to be just — that got really dark… I loved chatting with and doing quests for the denizens of Elpis.

Not to mention the return of many familiar faces.

Oh man, don’t you hate it when you’ve got that backpack full of useless and crappy weapons? Well now you can shove them in The Grinder and turn them into a new weapon of the same quality and level and have the chance to grind them into a weapon of a higher quality. Including the ability to turn epic weapons into legendary ones. I know the odds are slim, but any odds is better than nothing at all. And anything I can do with my spare weapons that isn’t sell them for nearly useless money is a welcome addition.

The Kvush

I’m a little torn about a game showing Jack’s rise to power. I didn’t think it was really necessary or treading new ground. Borderlands 2’s insights into Jack’s past told me everything I needed to know about him. He loves his wife, loves his daughter, his daughter’s a siren, she loses control of her siren powers, incinerates mom, Jack does everything in his power to provide for her and control her power, gets obsessed with control, gets obsessed with doing the right thing, and that leads him to control the company that tried to grind him into the dirt –which would have threatened Angel’s safety– and then he loses all the bearing on his moral compass when he actually comes into all the power he ‘deserved the whole time’. I definitely found the story about the Vault of the Watcher to be interesting if only because it expands on the connection between Eridians, mortals, and sirens. I know that it had to show all the stuff going on with Jack but I just wish it had been in an better package, I suppose. That’s why this is in the Kvush instead of either of the other sections.

The Kvetch

New characters, new skills, new laser weapons, new elemental type, new butt-slam attack, and despite it all the game feels a little stale. It’s still just a game of kill, loot, kill, quest, kill, loot until you’re satisfied or simply done with it all. Because the game runs on Borderlands 2’s engine the game even looks and feels the same as its predecessor — especially when you’re not in a low gravity environment. If you had your fill of Borderlands 2, The Pre-Sequel might taste like more of the same.

Half of the DLC in this game is functionally worthless. The new characters and Claptrap’s Claptastic Journey were a great value that I found loads of fun. Even so the ending of the Claptastic Journey let me down hard — then again, it’s about Claptrap, maybe that was the point. Skip on the season pass and just grab the stuff you want.

Oh man, look at how cool they make this trash look!

It’s a small complaint but it really gets on my nerves. In Borderlands 2, after you defeated the Warrior he would vomit loot all over the battlefield before perishing. Disregarding the convenience of the act, that’s awesome — I love loot. And if you went back to his den he’d be magically returned to life, ready to die and vomit more high class weaponry and junk all over the place. For whatever reason, despite being harder to get to, The Watcher can only be fought again on a higher difficulty with the expenditure of this game’s rare currency, moonstones. Why? Why you gotta play me like that?

The Verdict

I really enjoyed Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel –with inverse proportionality to how difficult it is to type. (Seriously, a colon and a dash is just too much for me). Even after I played Borderlands 2 I was still hungry for more silly gun/looting action and this really scratched the itch. Throw in a new setting and the ability to annoy my friends *AHEM* I mean the privilege to play as Claptrap and then go into his incredibly depressed and depressing head and they’ve got me hook, line, and sinker.

Next Week: Charles Barkley: Shut up and Jam Gaiden.

Papers, Please (PC, iOS, and PS Vita [TBA])

You are a citizen of Arstotzka — Glory to Arstotzka. After applying to the labor lottery yet again you’ve finally been assigned a position — and not a moment too soon, your savings just ran out. You have been granted the privilege of being a Border Inspector. Checking over documents of incoming immigrants to make sure they are supposed to enter the country. Every person you process correctly earns you the money your family needs to survive. If they all die on your watch or your account balance is in the red then it’s game over. Cross-reference information, learn correct passport information — and there’s lots of it — and make moral decisions on the border of Glorious Arstotzka.

History

Papers, Please was developed indie style by Lucas Pope. A former developer for Naughty Dog, he left the company during Uncharted’s development to strike out on his own. Papers, Please was intended to be made in six months but it took three more for Pope to make it to his liking. It was inspired in part by his experience living in Japan as a US citizen, describing the experience of dealing with immigration as ‘tense’.

Papers, Please was released on August 8th, 2013. It’s competition was Spelunky (PC), Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons (X Box Live Indie Arcade), and Gone Home (PC, Mac, and Linux)

Experiences

When I started this blog I did so with the principle that I should finish every game before I discuss it.

I beat Bubsy for you people.

I kind of put some cracks in that principle when I tried to beat Speed Racer: In My Most Dangerous Adventures — and almost did if the last race wasn’t nearly impossible– failed, but reviewed it anyway. But this is the game that truly broke me of the notion. Papers, Please is the best game I’ve never completed. The stress and monotony made the game too unpleasant to continue. I made it to day 18, 3 hours in before the game became too complex for me to play without screwing up routinely. As an anxious individual it wreaked havoc on my nerves. As a mild completionist it is the one game that exists in a sort of equilibrium of too painful to finish but also too shameful a failure to forget.

Gameplay

Papers, Please sells itself as a Dystopian Document Thriller and it delivers. Each level consists of a work day in which the player only has a limited amount of time to examine and authenticate as many immigrants’ paperwork as possible. This authentication process includes checking their passport, its city of distribution, the sex of the immigrant, name, what country their from, if they have a work pass, if the work pass has the proper seal… it’s incredibly stressful madness. Every day you have to spend the money you earn on keeping your apartment warm and feeding your family, consisting of you wife, son, mother in law, and uncle. If they’re not kept fed and watered then they’ll die — but hey, that’s fewer mouths to feed if you want to look at it like a cynical monster.

Seriously, memorize these pages they will be on the test

Naturally, not everyone’s papers are in order. These people will have to be turned away or detained — if they get too lippy. It may sound boring, because it sort of is, until the Arstoztkan immigration board keeps changing the rules. Every day they will add a new rule and they just don’t stop. Once you’ve got ahold of that then the moral decisions will start. Occasionally your moral compass will be tested and doing what’s wrong or right might break the rules… which will cost you money… which you need to keep your family alive… so have fun.

Sorry Jorji, looks like your counterfeiter screwed you on this one.

The Gush

The moral situations can be mind-wracking, soul-wrenching, haunting affairs. My personal favorite experience was when it was the Inspector’s son’s birthday and I could spend five credits on buying him a tiny box of crayons. I nearly tore my hair out thinking about it because those were five credits I might not be able to afford to spend. Those might be the five credits I need to keep the house warm or put food on the table. Looking back it taught me that it’s a choice that no parent should ever have to face.

If that example was any indication, this game is filled with anguish — is anguish something I can praise? Art is meant to evoke emotion and Papers, Please certainly evoked a lot of emotions from me. If it wasn’t fear, it was panic. If it wasn’t panic, it was sheer torment. Save for the rare gleam of hope and happiness — I mean, I did buy the kid his crayons in the end and we managed not to starve.

The art style is really simple… I think drab is the better word. It serves the game fantastically, creating a sea of essentially nameless faces — I know they have names but I cannot remember a single one. I do remember the experiences and situations but I felt like I was dealing with the most generic of people.

Just another face and a pile of paperwork.

There is basically one song in the entire game and it only plays on the title screen. It is a marvelously stiff Arstotzkan anthem. The first trundling notes especially set the tone so well.

The Kvetch

This game is hard. It’s incredibly hard. I struggled from the very beginning to keep my head above water. The game includes an option to give the player a crutch bonus of 40 dollars daily and that might be the only way I can see it to the end. I know I’m depriving myself of the experience so I urge anyone to not use it unless absolutely necessary.

It’s not my complaint but I would be remiss if I didn’t warn that this game is not fun. It’s great, it’s fantastic, I love it and I wish it well with every fiber of my being but it was not something I would call enjoyable. It’s a trial, a testament, an experience — a great one, even — but it was not pleasant in the least. It’s not an average game played for laughs or for joy so don’t expect to find it in such dismal proceedings.

The Verdict

I cannot recommend Papers, Please enough for someone looking for something completely unique, brutally difficult, and frighteningly mundane. I’ll warn the anxious and the nervous that this game might set you off. It is something entirely unto itself and for the low low price of $9.99 it can be an addition to your Steam library. Seriously, check it out, even though it’s not fun it’s still amazing!

Speaking of mindless fun.

Next Week: Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel.

Worms 2 (PC)

Um, there are worms… with little nub hands… and weapons. They fight each other and the last worm standing is victorious. With a wide arsenal ranging from bazookas, air strikes, dragon punches, and exploding sheep matches are a tactical chess-like battle of wits against the AI or a frenemy. These little pink bastards can dish out some serious carnage and mayhem at your behest.

History

Worms was the brainchild of Andy Davidson. Originally Worms was an entry in the Blitz BASIC programming competition it was picked up by Team 17. The original title was on the Commodore Amiga but was ported to other platforms. Before Worms 2 was released for computers everywhere Davidson created a Director’s Cut for the Amiga which he considers the pinnacle of the series. Worms: Director’s Cut was the final release for the life of the Amiga.

Why am I talking so much about Worms 1? Because there’s not much development information for Worms 2.

Worms 2 was released on February 11th, 1998. It’s competition was Tenchu: Stealth Assassins (PS1), Blasto (PS1), and Xenogears (PS1)

Experiences

Oh man, I used to play this game all the time when I was a kid! I used to make my own maps and make my own weapon layouts. Eventually though, every weapon pack was just everything pumped up as strong as it could be. Biggest explosions, biggest blasts, most absurd stats. Looking back on it, it might be pure carnage but it’s also really boring. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun in its own way. But it’s just not really tactically satisfying. It’s basically a chess game where each side of the board is just filled with rooks.

Gameplay

Worms 2 is a strategy game where each player takes control of a team of worms who must use their weapons and tools in order to reduce their opponents HP to zero, knock them into the water below, or blast them off the map entirely. You do this by using weapons like mortars, homing missiles, sticks of dynamite, exploding sheep, shotguns, whatever’s handy. And you can change positions with ninja ropes, parachutes, and teleporters. If those fail then the game will enter sudden death mode and the water level will rise, spelling certain doom for unfloating earthworms.

Did someone order a giant Concrete Donkey? I’m pretty sure you did.

You can face your friends in multiplayer or the computer in skirmish matches or an incredibly difficult campaign. The PC release originally had internet multiplayer but it was such a byzantine mess I could never get it set up when I was younger. I doubt it’s gotten easier now.

The Gush

It’s easy to get lost in the cartoonish mayhem and carnage and just have some great fun. I still laugh when I hurl a super sheep and it takes to the air with its ‘totally not Superman’ cape.

Some of the intro cinematics are actually pretty entertaining. I would recommend that the slapstick inclined look them up on Youtube.

This game has got a pretty good map editor. It allows the player to set whether it’s a cavern, island, or totally boxed in area without water. The player can disable sudden death mode if they’re not a fan of it. They can even create custom weapons packages and alter the settings for each weapon. You can even make custom teams with custom names and custom voice clips. What I’m getting at is that this game is incredibly customizable and that’s awesome. Mods not required, this game has got everything ya’ll need.

Hot map editing action!

The Kvetch

Holy hell, the AI cheats. They have a way of using the wind hurl projectile weapons right into your worms with unerring accuracy. I routinely have to set them to lower settings because they’re just that tough. Unfortunately that’s not a possibility in the campaign and I just don’t care to git gud.

The gameplay gets a little dry after awhile. There are only so many ways something can get blown up. If you’re not playing with friends then this title might not last.

If you were one of those people always playing the 2-d tank battle games with all the weapons and you’re not burned out. This title might scratch the itch.

The Verdict

This game is like drinking a glass of warm milk on a humid and hot afternoon. A glass of warm milk before bed is great! A hot afternoon can be comfortable under the right conditions. Humidity always sucks. All of this stuff is put together into an experience I no longer enjoy. If you’re able to focus on any of it more than the rest then it can be quite enjoyable but it pales in comparison to modern titles in the series and GOG.com no longer supports its internet multiplayer but it still supports local multiplayer. For the low price of $5.99 it will definitely entertain a ten year old for a few months on the cheap.

Next Week: Papers, Please