Little Inferno (Wii U, PC, iOS, OS X, Linux, and Android)

A terrible blizzard has struck the city of Burnington — I can’t believe that’s the name. People huddle in their homes for warmth. The magnaminous Tomorrow Corporation sees opportunity. They design and dispense the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace! The perfect product to keeps kids occupied and  warm the homestead — While you’re at it, order some fine products from our Little Inferno burnables catalogs! You play as one of the children sitting at their fireplace, burning things, never looking away… just burning all the time.

History

Little Inferno was developed by the Tomorrow Corporation. An indie group composed of Kyle Gabler, Kyle Gray, and Allan Blomquist. They had previously worked on Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure — which actually looks pretty cool — and World of Goo — which is a much better known game that I’m sadly not fond of — and came together to form their own studio.

The development of Little Inferno was inspired by watching the Yule Log Program. You know, the one with the 14 second loop of a burning log in a fire place — yeah that one. They thought, “I wonder if we can start with an underwhelming premise, but then actually make the game really really surprisingly good.”

Little Inferno was released for Wii U and PC on November 18th 2012. It’s competition was ZombiU (WiiU), Thomas Was Alone (PC), and Baldur’s Gate: Enhanced Edition (PC).

Experiences

Little Inferno gets me in an oddly contemplative mood. What begins with mindless pyromania eventually evolves into existential questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I doing this? They begin grounded in the character and the setting but reach out to me soon enough. Why do I find it a suitable pass-time to burn things. The game does it best to keep things happy and upbeat until chapter 4 so I’m not sure if my reaction is intended or not.

Gameplay

Little Inferno is a… Simulation(?) game in which the player has catalogs of things to purchase and subsequently burn. Burning objects produces more coins than they cost and as such the player can purchase more expensive products from the catalog. While objects burn, the player can order more items and wait for them to be mailed.

Heart of darkness? Count me in!

Each item has its own attributes, abilities,  and delivery time. Deliveries can be expedited with stamps which can be acquired from burning things or performing combos. Combos are achieved by burning certain objects at the same time and are hinted at in the combo menu.

Occasionally the player will receive a letter from their next door neighbor; Sugar Plumps, The CEO of Tomorrow Corp; Miss Nancy, the mail man, or the weather man — reporting from the weather balloon, over the smokestacks, over the city, of course. These letters can be subsequently burned and serve to push forward the plot.

The Gush

What can I say, it’s a pleasure to burn. There is something satisfying about tending a campfire and that definitely translates to the Little Inferno Entertainment Fireplace. Sometimes I ignore the types of objects and just throw as many highly flammable things in at once.

Such a mighty blaze… I cannot help but watch.

Between the character dialogue, item descriptions, item animations, and item effects, this game is hilarious. Wooden spoons doing ballet, coffee cups shaking in caffeine frenzies, Sugar Plumps. I love it all.

Just… the word choice in this game is golden.

This game has an epilogue. It is a thing. It’s weird. I love it. It is major spoilers though so this is all I can say about it.

The Kvetch

I understand how the wait times insentivize spending stamps wisely but I think it would be cool if there was some sort of free-play or creative mode. Waiting 5 minutes for my tiny sun to ship is fun the first time — with the Christmas present-esque anticipation and all — but it loses its luster quickly.

The Verdict

I wuv this game to little burning bits — I’d go as far as to put the ashes on my mantle. It’s a little, short lived, compact experience that burns the candle at both ends. I’d say it’s worth the ten dollar price tag it has in most stores so if you like what you heard then check it out. And as the Kurgan says…

Next Week: Worms 2

Battletoads (NES, Amiga, Amiga CD32, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega Megadrive)

Somewhere in space a crack group of cosmic commandos, the Battletoads, are escorting Princess Angelica back to her home planet with Doctor T.Bird piloting their ship, The Vulture. One of the toads, Pimple, takes the princess on a little joyride in his flying car… for some reason. At this point The Dark Queen’s ship, The Gargantua, tractor beams the little car into her ship and whisks them away to Ragnarok’s Planet — I’m gonna assume it’s as tough and awesome as it sounds. When Dr. Bird realizes what’s happened he dispatches the remaining toads, Rash and Zitz, to the planet to execute a daring rescue.

History

Battletoads was developed by Rare and published by Tradewest. The basic idea was to do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the way Rare wants to — oh yeah and sell a helluva lotta merchandise. The game started out as a stock beat ’em up but Rare designers found that to be too generic and as such added more varied mechanics and level types.

Fun Fact: Before they settled on Battletoads, Amphibianz was seriously considered as the title of the game — I’m glad the unnecessary Z made it into Zitz’ name.

Battletoads was released in June of 1991. It’s competition was Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis), Super Mario World (SNES), and Final Fantasy IV (SNES)

Experiences

I can’t begin to express what I find so humorous about the Battletoads Game Store prank. I can’t even explain how it’s a prank. It simply entails someone calling up a Gamestop and ask if they have a copy of Battletoads for purchase — I’ve also heard of a variant for calling up a store and asking for a pre-order for Battletoads II. I just think the concept of calling up a modern game shop and requesting a copy of Battletoads is simply absurd and therefore funny. Something makes it even funnier when you know the employee taking the call — but the clerk my local 3-D Games store would know nothing about that.

Gameplay

For such an old title Battletoads is a shockingly diverse game. At first glance it may seem like a mere beat ’em up but like a magnolia of pain it blossoms into something so much greater and devastating. It’s almost in a league of its own, Battletoads is like Battletoads, it defies analogy — if you put a gun to my head and asked, ‘WHAT GAME IS LIKE THIS GAME’ I’d probably wet myself but after I was done crying I would grudgingly shrug out Earthworm Jim?

From beat up ups, to climbing levels, to racing levels, to dodging levels, this game has got nearly anything you can do on two legs and a jet bike. This being said it’s also so fucking-mothering hard that I only made it to level three. I made it to the infamous jet bike level and only because I warped there from level 1! I couldn’t even beat level 2 legit — I couldn’t penetrate the Wookie Hole if you will. Get your patience, save states, skills, or whatever you got ready because this is the game that defined the term Nintendo Hard.

Seriously, the level is called the Wookie Hole.

The Gush

The music in this game is a marvel of chip-tunes. It creates a rough-and-tumble otherworldly atmosphere that makes me thrilled to go smash some alien scum with my muscly toad body — and get annihilated.

This game might be hard as balls but it’s got some codes and warps to help you through. Nearly every even numbered level has a hidden level warp in it so look them up if a stage is giving you trouble. You can also get some extra lives at the beginning of the game or on Continue screens by hold A, B, down, and then pressing start.

For it’s time and even beyond this game looks fantastic. The colors pop, the shapes and images are recognizable — if a little goofy — and it’s easy on the eyes.

You know who else is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean… She’s going to destroy me, isn’t she?

For a game in which dying is a fact of life I never blamed the controls for a single death. I blamed the design and my own lack of skill a lot but I never thought ‘Why didn’t that work?’ or ‘I was totally pressing down!’

The Kvetch

I’m not exactly certain why our dear toads even have six health points. It seems like almost every attack does either one damage, half, or all of it. I was legit shocked when the pterodactyls from the first level killed me in one hit. With a life lost I crushed the thing and pressed on to be taunted by some healing flies which were now useless.

I’ve got to say, considering you’ll see the game over screen a lot, they’re all pretty funny.

The game has a devilishly good difficulty curve with each level ramping up difficulty until a crescendo if incredibly difficult tasks. This creates a problem however when I die late in a level and have to start the whole thing over again. Playing through the sort of ‘training’ parts repeatedly are really boring, mainly because…

… this game relies a lot on rote memorization. Things will ambush you, the speeder bike levels eventually turn into ‘do you remember the pattern?’, and there’s no recourse but to die and try to remember it for next time. It’s about as fun as a game of Simon and just as rewarding.

The Verdict

I’ve got to say that in my estimation this game is tooooooo hard for me. Call me a filthy casual who needs to git gud if you must but I’m just not a huge fan. If you want to own a copy of hard videogame history then Battletoads is actually a shockingly painless purchase. It’s on Amazon new for a mere 31 dollars, which might be pricey for an NES game but considering the insane collectible value of games I’ve been reviewing lately it seems like a breath of fresh air. If the concept of playing or beating a game that made me turn back — and I’m a guy who beat Bubsy — then give it a whirl!

Next Week: Little Inferno

Nuclear Throne (PC, Mac, Linux, PS4, PS Vita, and XBox One)

Round the campfire the mutants and monsters eat, drink, sing, and prepare. All of them wondering how they became what they are, what to do next, and if they’re dreams and nightmares of the Nuclear Throne are real. The path may be clear but the course is dangerous. If they wish they could fight they’re way through the bandits, monsters, awakened constructs, and the Inter-Dimensional Police Department (I.D.P.D. for short) with their trusty revolver and any other weapon they can scavenge to reach the Nuclear Throne.

History

Nuclear Throne was created by Vlambeer, a Dutch independent game studio, and designed by Jan Willem Nijman and Rami Ismail. Vlambeer advertised and received critiques through streaming services like Twitch on a bi-weekly basis during development. It was originally released on Steam’s Early Access service releasing updates on a regular basis until they created a product they were satisfied with.

Nuclear Throne entered Steam’s Early Access in October of 2013 and was released on December 5th, 2015. It’s competition was Fallout 4 (PC, XBox One, and PS4), Star Wars Battlefront (PC, PS4, and XBox One), and Mordheim: City of the Damned.

Experiences

In a stroke of absolute brilliance when you select a random character, die, and restart the game you’ll restart as a random character again. As such, I generally tend to play this way, experiencing something totally new every run, for about 40 minutes. The weirdest part is that it feels like I’ve been playing for a giant, knock out, slobber-knocker of a session but an episode of Gotham hasn’t even passed by the time I’m ready to move onto something else. In short, this game packs a seriously fun and frantic punch.

Look at this motley crew. Gotta play them all, at least I do.

Gameplay

Nuclear Throne is a 2-D, isometric, top-down, shooter, Roguelike. You play as one of a myriad selection of mutants who each have a special passive and active ability — Fish for instance collects more ammunition from pickups and can execute a sweet dodge roll.

Each level contains chests filled with ammo or new weapons to outfit the character — or leave behind if they’re garbage. Oh yeah and enemies, levels contain enemies. Once you defeat them all — whether you’ve opened all the chests and gotten all the goodies or not — a portal will open up nearby and pull you in to take you to the next level. In short, you spend a lot of time trying not to die and killing enemies — and usually failing.

The player can also pick up little uranium rod looking things. Once a character gets enough they level up and can acquire a mutation. You pick it between levels but only get to choose one of four out of a pool of 29 total possible mutations. So it’s important to try to pick mutations that mesh with the character’s abilities — or at least pick the best of the worst… I’m looking at you Hammerhead.

Also, the Robot character updates instead of mutating which I find amusing.

The Gush

I’m amazed at how much flavor Vlambeer instilled in each character with their visual design, some mumbling gurgles, and dialogue in between stages. From Fish’s ‘gills on my neck’ quote to Eyes’ frenzied mumbles — he’s covered in eyes, not mouths — I created an idea of what they’re like on the battlefield or around the campfire. My personal favorite is the local gun god Young Venuz, a floating Illuminati eye who converses in beatbox noises and makes it rain around the campground.

I mean, who am I to disagree with the game.

Nuclear Throne does a great job of being intuitively designed and yet guiding the player into deeper mechanics of the game. From teaching the player about super chests with the loading screen tips or teaching the player how to activate the Nuclear Crown portals with its visual design.

The difficulty curve of this game is nearly perfect. Even as enemies and bosses get tougher I learn enough in the interim to be consistently challenged but never left in the dark.

Holy shit, this soundtrack. From rollicking adventurous feelings of the opening theme and wasteland theme to the eerie ‘I shouldn’t be here’ feelings of the Frozen City it’s all made with purpose and intent. I bought this soundtrack for a reason.

The Kvetch

This game is a Roguelike and as such it’s harder than Crystal’s Rhyno Skin hide. Not to say that I don’t like it, just to say that it might be a turn-off.

The game has a difficult time clarifying where wall borders are and sometimes enemies will effectively hide underneath or behind map terrain because of the games’ perspective. I can’t tell you how much ammunition I’ve wasted shooting walls that I thought the shot would clear.

You see that corpse to the lower right of the cursor, you might not when the pressure’s on.

There’s a screen shake function and I don’t know why. If you want to take a trip to Barfsville then you’re welcome to play with it on.

The Verdict

If any of this remotely interested you then I suggest picking this game up. Its full retail price is 12 dollars and that’s a steal for such a purely joyous game. It’s absolute gun-based chaos and I love it!

Next Week: Battletoads

Monster Rancher 2 (PS1)

More monsters and less plot this week. You play as a faceless monster trainer who wants to be the VERY BEST like no one ever was. With his faithful assistant Colt he or she will put their monster on a strict — or lax — training regimen and face other monsters in tournaments or in the wilds until it’s you vs the Champ.

History

Monster Rancher 2 was made by Tecmo and based on a semi-popular anime cartoon… and that’s basically all I know about it. The show was pretty well received. Its story about a group of adventurers who need to defeat the monster emperor Moo by finding the Phoenix monster who will resurrect all of the monsters Moo has destroyed. That being said, the Monster Rancher Cartoon is only vaguely related to the anime series. The monsters are the same but the plot is absolutely not. Now the world is a Pokemon level of nonsense world where monsters duke it out for human entertainment.

Monster Rancher 2 was released on February 29th, 1999. It’s competition was Final Fantasy VIII (PS1), Silent Hill (PS1), and Pokemon Snap (N64).

Experiences

Zuum concept art

The monster that I remember training the most was a Zuum who’s name has been lost to my memory. The little green bastard was born with a love for fighting — seriously his like from week 1 was fighting. This raptor was tenacious, hit like a truck, but couldn’t take a hit. He was a glass cannon with grit —  he actually had a hidden trait that could allow him to endure a knock out blow with 1 hp. One tourney he got knocked out and suffered an injury, the injury was deemed a serious one but came back in a mere 2 weeks. He was tuckered as hell but one week of rest later he demanded to go to the tourney next week. I sent him back out and he was absolutely joyful to be back in the action, I was terrified he would aggravate his injury again. In the course of the tourney he took revenge on the monster who broke him by knocking him out in return. The whole thing was like a great Pro-Wrestling story-line and totally emergent.

Gameplay

Monster Rancher 2 is a variant of the Life Simulator type game. The game is split between monster acquisition, training, and battling. Acquisition is a simple affair you can “buy” them from the market which sells the regulars and one seasonal monster with average stats. Or you can go to the temple and summon one from a disk by using your real life CDs. Summoned monsters tend to have more erratic stats and genetic combinations. Also in town you can freeze your older monsters and combine them together, sharing stats, and unlocking more advanced techniques they’ve learned.

Once you’ve got your monster you can pet him, love him, call him George and take him to your ranch at which point the training begins. Training consists of feeding it the right foods, giving it useful items, having it perform drills, and letting it rest. You can also, at a significant cost, send it on a month-long wilderness training excursion. You might not want to open up with this option though as the more your monster fails the more likely they’ll get hurt but… it is their only way to learn new techniques.

Monsters will also occasionally make demands of you, decline and you run the risk of disappointing them.

When its stats and loyalty are high enough it’s time to send it to a tournament. There it will face opponents of roughly similar strength in either a round robin or single elimination format. You can give it orders yourself or let it command the fight on its own. During a battle your monster will generate guts which it can use to attack its opponent with techniques that are segmented off by its distance from the enemy. If your monster’s loyalty is too low then it’ll waste the guts and try to get some yuks from the crowd or taunt the enemy, leaving it open to attack. Come out on top and you’ll get some money with a little extra for every opponent you knocked out or an item prize.

The arena designs might be simple but sometimes the camera has sweet action shots.

The Gush

The monster designs are simply cool. Every one of them has a pure form but also has a pallet swap when its combined with another monster which can lead to some impressively awesome or silly looking creatures.

I don’t know what this thing is but it’s absurd and badass all at once.

Every monster is also pretty expressive, especially for late 90s creatures. They all have animations for showing off their happiness, displeasure, apology, and other feelings. Learning your monsters tells is also a great way to earn its loyalty… and it’s fun.

RANDOM EVENT! This game has them. From expeditions to foreign lands or a sale at the store for a rainy month. It’ll pay for you to be vigilant and keep your monster in top form whenever possible. You never know when you’ll be called on for something special or limited.

The Kvetch

This game’s translation and localization really holds it back. You’re gonna need a guide to figure out what item descriptions are supposed to be indicating. I was totally lost in some conversations, especially way back in the day.

Actually, you’ll need a guide for everything in this game. There are a lot of hidden statistics and other mechanics that aren’t really hinted at by the game. From a monsters good/evil rating to their guts production or fat/thinness even monster unlocking mechanics are made secret to the player.

WHAT IS ALL THIS MESS?! WITHERING?! SHARPNESS?!

Oh yeah, you don’t start with the ability to train every monster. You can’t even have these locked monsters as a subtype of another monster. Worse yet, the game never explains this when you summon a monster from a CD it makes it seem like the CD has no relevant data on it. Let me clarify that every disk has a monster on it. If the disk doesn’t function, that’s one thing, but if the game says they can’t give you the monster then try again after you’ve reached a certain rank or won a certain event. But considering they don’t tell you that you’ve unlocked something it’s really a lot of guessing and checking.

The Verdict

I don’t know how you’re gonna get a hold of this one but if you can find a copy at your local pawn shop or flea market then I suggest you get it. It goes on Amazon for 25-180 dollars so unless you have a time machine it’s gonna be hard to come by.

Next Week: The Dark Tower

Azure Dreams (PS1)

Deep in the desert there lies an ancient and mystic tower. It is the only place where fabled monster eggs can be found, though monsters themselves can be found across the world. Monsters can only be raised by the first person they see when they’re hatched. Where there are strange creatures someone will want them. Where there’s a want it can be bought. Where there’s a buyer, there’s a seller. At the foot of the tower a city began to form and grow, Monsbaiya, made up of or supporting those who would brave the tower in search of the precious eggs and other loot.

Your father was one of these monster tamers and egg hunters. He would brave the tower hoping to some day reach its peak. When you turned five he left like any other day but something was different, there was an electricity in the air. The hours passed on, longer than he’d ever explored the tower’s paths. Clouds loomed over Monsbaiya laden with rain and crackling with thunder. With a peal of the storm’s lightning magical rays erupted from the tower’s crown scorching the desert — and scaring the hell out of everyone. No sooner had that ended a great seal overcame the tower’s top and with a great din the rain began. His monster came back but your father never did.

Ten years pass and your 15, of age to enter the tower. Your father’s fortune is all but spent. Monsbaiya, your family, and your life rest on your ability to master the tricks and traps of the tower of monsters. Climb to the tower’s summit like your father before you and see the Azure Dreams above the clouds.

History

I’ll concede, the only reason the introduction is so long is because I’ve got nothing here. Seriously, all I know is that this game was made by Konami. It might have been made by aliens and left on Konami’s doorstep for all I know.

Oh yeah, and there’s a gameboy De-make. It’s alright.

Azure Dreams was released on June 30th, 1998. It’s competition was Banjo-Kazooie (Nintendo 64), Megaman Legends (PS1), and Fallout 2 (PC).

Experiences

I mentioned that this game was made by Konami for the PS1 and anyone who was playing Konami games can see where this is going. For those who don’t, let me explain. Metal Gear Solid is another Konami game for the PS1 and it’s — more well known and better made, I mean — got a villain in it by the name of Psycho Mantis. This creep floats around and claims to be able to control your mind. As a demonstration of his power he reads your thoughts and can tell you what games you love based on the data on your memory card. Imagine if you will, little Renald at his Playstation in the dark late on a Friday night and Mantis hisses, “You like Azure Dreams, don’t you?” It blew my goddam mind and scared the hell out of me.

Gameplay

Azure Dreams is a turn-based, RPG, dungeon crawler, semi-roguelike with town building and dating simulator elements. Most of the gameplay is focused at the tower exploring its mysteries. The rules are simple and yet restricting. Whenever you enter the tower your level gets chopped to level one, but the levels of your monsters remain unchanged. Well, at least you can bring a bunch of monsters and your best sword/wand and shield… except the tower dislikes the greedy. The doors will only open if you have five or fewer items with them — and monsters count as items. And finally the floor of the tower changes every time you enter, so the challenge is never the same.

It should come as no surprise that the tower is filled with monsters. They are innumerable and will destroy you if they can. Have no fear of death though, your father’s spell preserves your life should you fall but you’ll be picked clean before you reach home — your monsters are still safe though.

When you’re not in the tower you can explore the town. Maybe buy some things for your home or start some building projects with a visit to the carpenter’s. You can improve and build many buildings in town beside your own, raising the town’s respect for you and improving the attitudes of potential suitors — but we’ll get to the ladies of Monsbaiya later. These buildings can unlock minigames and add flavor to the world.

You’ll also see this jerk around a lot so get used to seeing him… and humiliating him.

The Gush

There are quite the variety of strange and deadly monsters and they all have interesting abilities. From the Picket’s thievery to the Clown’s DeLevel spell and sinister visage. My favorite though, by far, is the Troll and his tool use. These little guys have got a makeshift society going and have learned to craft finely made weapons. These little bastards are rare but if you can tame one then you’ll be able to equip him with any troll tools you find from clubs to swords to a goddam crossbow.

They’re all great, quite frankly.

The character art for this game is fantastic. Prominent NPCs have character portraits in dialogue with different variations to reflect their attitude or emotional state. There’s nothing like frustrating Ghosh and being able to see the look on his big dumb face.

I adore the music in this game. Every time I enter the tower and hear its familiar tune I’m filled with an adventurous spirit. As I climb higher and higher the music grows more intense and sinister as the danger grows and the tension builds. It’s clear to see how each variation is built on the same theme but warped in some way to suit the feeling its meant to inspire in the player.

Building up the town up is fun and rewarding in a sort of pure way. Most of the projects don’t improve your odds in the tower — if it does then I’m unaware — but I still want to make Monsbaiya better than its ever been. Some of the building’s unlock minigames like bowling or horse racing. Others, like rebuilding your family estate or helping your friend fulfill his dream of performing on stage by building a theater, have purely narrative results. And of course there’s the casino where I always lose my shirt.

Always bet on black my foot.

The Kvetch

There’s a dark side to the town building though. There’s a romance system in this game with a total of seven possible options ranging from the book worm to an exotic dancer. Each one responds positively to different projects — the book worm doesn’t even appear until you build the library for instance. The thing that skeeves me out though is the emotionally manipulative tactics you have to employ to romance them. Seriously, if you don’t trick them into loving you then they get upset because you don’t care enough. They even fight over the sheer privilege of waking you up each morning, trying to elbow each other out of the way until there’s only one remaining. If you fix the swimming pool then you can even see them there bikini clad with brand new character art — as if you say, ‘you done good kid, here’s the swimsuit issue. The real problem comes in the matter of age. The main character is 15, the dancer is 21, but all the others are 17 or younger. One of them is 15, and this game has the gall to ‘treat’ you to a bikini pin-up of this child. Bluuuugh.

The ‘right’ answer is not that she saved you because you’re both humans but because she loves you, of course.

Most interactions are blocked off by binary choice dialogue in which you have to say what the other person wants to hear. A series of 50/50 near guesses until you get the right conclusion. I’m also lead to believe that everyone in Monsbaiya has a short-term memory problem because, for the most part, if you fail one of these dialogue encounters you can start it over the next day and they act like nothing happened.

The early game can be a real grind and even openly hostile to new players. As you pray to RNJesus for some decent monster eggs and other good drops you’ll have to throw in prayers for finding an item to allow you to leave the tower with your loot. This is a guide game. Look up an FAQ because this game won’t explain how monster combat and monster MP management works, how to use a wind crystal to leave the tower, or what certain items even do.

The poor translation really doesn’t help here. But it is hilarious.

Also, fuck rust traps.

The Verdict

I love this game with all my heart but sadly the cheapest I could find it was for $60 off of some used game website and it goes for $220 new on Amazon. It might be good but it’s not worth either of those price tags and it doesn’t look like it’s coming to any virtual console very soon… or ever.

Next Week: Monster Rancher 2

Earthworm Jim 2 (SNES, Sega Genesis, PS1, Sega Saturn, and PC)

If you finished Earthworm Jim  — on normal difficulty or higher, you get something more insulting and hilarious on easy — then you know that Jim blew his date with Princess What’s-Her-Name. After this blow to his ego, but not long after, the brutal mercenary Psycrow kidnaps the princess and plans to marry her in the Lost Vegas System. You see, the final boss of the first game was Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt who was the sister of Princess What’s-Her-Name and in her absence the Princess is the rightful heir. As such, if Psycrow can marry her then he becomes the King of Insectica! With all those riches and soldiers at his disposal he could easily… do… something… incredibly nefarious.

Jim boards his trusty pocket rocket and races across the galaxy to face his rival and save the love of his life. Run, jump, float, shoot, use Jim’s head as a whip, and face against the titans of the universe to reach Lost Vegas in time!

History

Earthworm Jim was developed by Shiny Entertainment and developed by David Perry and Doug TenNapel. You might know them as the guys who made MDK, Sacrifice, and The Matrix: Path of Neo. You might also know Doug TenNapel as an ultra-conservative christian who opposes gay marriage. Which is to say that if that’s an idea that you oppose and if the idea of buying something that will get him money displeases you then perhaps you’d best buy Earthworm Jim 2 used.

Earthworm Jim 2 was released on December 22nd, 1995. Its competition was Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness (PC), Final Fight 3 (SNES), and Megaman X3 (SNES).

Experiences

This game is one that inspires wonder in the player. Every level has something bizarre and new. It’s a cavalcade of the strange and unique from the Boss being a goldfish or the level having a unique mechanic. The only thing that gets recycled is the music, and only in two stages. It can be a little overwhelming actually. It seems like the rules are always changing but mastering each level has its own merit and enjoyment.

One level you’re running around and then you’re a blind salamander floating around an intestinal track. You literally never know what’s next.

Gameplay

Earthworm Jim 2 is a 2-D platfomer shooter — most of the time — with extremely silly elements. You play as Jim the lucky Annelid who slithered into a super suit and pledged himself to justice and Princess What’s-Her-Name’s heart. He punishes evil with his sweet red laser hand-cannon and throwing his own head like a whip — certain enemies are susceptible to certain attacks to try to mix it up in combat.

The things that come between you and victory are as varied as the planets in the cosmos. From blunderbuss wielding squid-billies and giant ants to giant sentient filing cabinets anything and everything can and will stand between Jim and the end of a level. Many of which end in boss fights that further mix up the rules and serve to challenge and baffle.

In what other game would you face a giant unicycle riding pupa?

For as many things as will harm Jim there are just as many things in each stage that will assist him. From health atoms, fire cores, or Jim’s favorite sandwich these things will keep Jim’s health up. Jim’s gun is now equipped to load various kinds of ammunition in addition to standard and super shots. Scattered and hidden in each stage are multi-guns, homing lasers, and the bubble gun!

Fucking Bubble Gun

Quite possibly the most important of them all are the Earth, Worm, and Jim flags which will allow you to warp to that level in the event of a Game Over. Using this warp however deprives Jim of any weapons or health bonuses from previous levels. So… get out there, kick some ass, and try not to die.

The Gush

Jim’s helicopter spin has been replaced with the Snott-chute and the whip grab has been replaced with the Snott-shot. These are named after Jim’s buddy Snott, the amorphous, green, feller who lives in his backpack and got Jim the suit in the first place. These moves are both more elegant — read forgiving, they make Jim look elegant — and much easier to perform. Gone are the days of frantically smashing the B button to decrease Jim’s descent speed — if it worked.

New weapons! And the ability to swap between them. Jim is no longer limited to his normal shots and powershots, nor is he locked into powershots if they’re available. The player can now cycle through ammo types one at a time until they find the right tool for the job. It can be a little hectic in the midst of battle trying to get the right weapon ready.

I mean, you might accidentally select the Bubble Gun.

Although I’m not confident in saying that it’s better than the original’s the music in this game is quite good. It’ll keep the player humming familiar tunes for weeks after they’ve put the game down. And if they pick it up again the tunes will rush back.

The Kvetch

This game is looong. Actually, it’s not that the game is long necessarily, it’s more that each level is just a little too long. They all outstay their welcome, in my estimation. I actually got lost in some stages and was more than a little frustrated.

This game is haaard. It’s not as difficult as the first — which I’m thankful for — but it’s still a game I have gotten so close to finishing and yet have not. Three lives, one continue, and the passwords that you have to unlock in each stage are just not quite enough to make it. I’d have to say that it’s almost the variety of the game that works against it. Every level is unique and as such the player has to learn new skills with every stage.

You’d best hone your old lady dodging skills and then immediately forget them because this crap never comes back.

I’m just gonna say it, there’s a stage where Jim has to bounce adorable puppies through the air into a dog-house. That probably sounds great but the problem comes into play when Jim fails — and by extension, the player. When a puppy hits the pavement he explodes into a shower of yellow juice and makes an absolutely soul-crushing, vomit-inducing, disgusting noise. It’s almost downright disturbing and it’s a stage that gets reused 4 times, as it’s the Andy Asteroids replacement.

The Verdict

If you’re the sort of person who loved Ren and Stimpy but missed this game then I suggest picking it up. It goes for $20 on Steam as part of the Earthworm Jim bundle that includes the first game and Earthworm Jim 3-D. Alternatively, it’s possible to acquire a cartridge or disc for classic systems on Amazon and other sites for around $24.

Next Week: Azure Dreams

Don’t Starve (iOS, Linux, PC, Mac, PS3, PS4, PS Vita, Wii U, XBox One, and that ramshackle contraption you made out of your microwave and root vegetables.)

Wilson is your average every day gentleman scientist with great aspirations in his steampunk era. One day, after several unsuccessful experiments his gramophone begins speaking to him — a not too uncommon experience apparently. It teaches Wilson how to make a bizarre machine and start doing some real science! Hesitant to activate it, but coerced by the forceful voice, Wilson turns on the bizarre device. A portal opens to a strange world and living shadows erupt, dragging him in. Thrust into this new place, similar to our own, he must find the man behind the voice and figure out how to get back home. But first things first, Don’t Starve.

History

Don’t Starve was developed and published by Klei Entertainment. You might know them as the creators of Shank, Shank 2, and Mark of the Ninja. Don’t Starve started as a 48 hour game jam in 2010 but development didn’t hit full swing until after the release of Mark of the Ninja in 2012. Capitalizing on the success of games like Minecraft, Klei endeavored to take an exploration game in a far darker direction. As such, there is an end-state to the game but no powerful indication of how to find it.

Fun Fact: Despite being adamantly against it Klei compromised the lonely atmosphere somewhat with Don’t Starve Together. Which allows you to get fangoriously devoured alongside your friends!

It Might compromise the principals of the game but IT’S FUN!

Don’t Starve was released on April 23rd, 2013. It’s competition was BattleBlock Theater (XBLA), Monaco: What’s Yours is Mine (PC), and Fez (PC).

Experiences

My experience with Don’t Starve is one of sheer wonder and discovery. Like Wilson himself I’m just experimenting over here and trying to figure things out, wiki be damned. Every time I play — and don’t get ganked by zealous spiders — I discover something new and work my way toward building an item I’ve never used before or finding something new. I like to figure things out on my own but if I’m totally stumped there’s a well maintained wiki to enlighten me. What happens when I eat this mushroom? What does this dapper top-hat do? How does this character’s abilities impact play? What exactly is the win-state and how do I reach it? All these questions can be answered with a click and the willingness to accidentally screw up.

Gameplay

Don’t Starve is a 3rd person, 2.5 dimensional, exploration, resource gathering, and survival based roguelike. Or in human terms, you run around, try not to die, find cool stuff, and if you do die then you gotta start the whole game over — so try not to do that. I wish I could say more but that’s basically it. You control your character with the mouse and make them pick things up, put things down, fight monsters, or craft things. The things you craft make you more efficient at getting more things and fighting more monsters.

And there are many monsters to fight.

The three main stats are Health, Hunger, and Sanity. Running out of Hunger will drain your health. Running out of sanity will make… um… your environment more hostile among other things. And running out of Health makes you die — duh. Monsters drain sanity pretty slowly so the mere act of fighting them can be dangerous, then again there are benefits to going insane — like killing Beardlings and getting that sweet beard hair.

Or the shadow monsters could kill you — it’s a toss up really.

If you’re looking for the win-state then exploration will be key — I mean, you never know what you’ll find out there. The items required can only be found by going out on the road and searching abroad. This means setting up several camps and not overextending yourself. Seasonal changes like Winter and Summer can make these excursions very difficult and it’s unpleasant to get caught away from your main camp in the dead of Winter.

The Gush

The characterization is incredibly strong for such a setting, lack of voice acting, and limited design space. Each character has their appearance, lines of dialogue, a couple of abilities, and an instrument’s music for a voice. And I feel so interested in them and their personal stories — except Wes, that mime can burn for all I care. Everything about them lends to their character and it’s not difficult to see what these characters are like.

Wilson’s well informed and dead-pan style are clearly evident in his speech and voice.

There aren’t many tracks of music but they all stand out and are extremely memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘night is coming’ ditty and the main theme for the game is a piece of thematic perfection. When I think of Don’t Starve that theme starts in my head, when that theme starts in my head I think of Don’t Starve. The game is just the song in game form and the song is the game in musical form.

There are 290+ unique items in this game and most of them can be cooked, smashed, burned, refined, or crafted into something else. The thought of doing all this SCIENCE excites me!

The Kvetch

Call me a filthy casual if you must but I wish there was a way that I didn’t have to start over every time I died. Maybe some sort of training mode or something where it saves each day and they put a diaper on my character or something because I’m such a baby. I want to get further than day 10 but I just keep dying during experiments with things like starting a fight with a beefalo or trying to get some frog meat from the FOUS-es (Frogs of unusual size). I could try to make all sorts of nifty weapons and armors but I just wanna fight a pig-man or something. TLDR: GAME IS HARD WAAAAAH!

This is Willow. Whenever I get salty I play her and burn everything in sight.

Holy bad spawns gentle-fops. It’s totally possible to start in a location with no access to gold, without which it’s impossible to build a basic science machine and therefore build anything else in the game. I’ve traveled for two days before I was able to find one, picking up carrots and berries as I went to sustain myself. That’s two days fewer I had to prepare for a wolf attack or something similarly miserable.

Also, look out for the Krampus.

The Verdict

Minecraft not scratching the itch anymore? Want something a little more grim? Something more sinister that will truly put your planning, explorationg, and fortunes to the test? Then make a $15 shaped hole in your life and fill it with Don’t Starve! And if you can dupe — I mean convince — some poor sap — I mean good friend — you can get in on Don’t Starve Together for another $15$. Both being prices that I find to be equitable.

Next Week: Earthworm Jim 2

Bioshock 2 (PC, Mac, PS3, XBox 360)

This review assumes that you’ve read my previous review for Bioshock. So check it out unless you’re comfortable with your knowledge on the subject.

In the end of Bioshock the hero of that tale left Rapture, alone, with a some Little Sisters, or a legion of splicers — the stories differ. But Rapture was still down there, still biding its time, still going crazier and crazier. Before Rapture’s fall Andrew Ryan hired a psychologist, Sofia Lamb, to stem Rapture’s growing instability. In the absence of Ryan, Atlas, and Fontaine she sidled into power as no one but her could read and control the minds of the splicers. What are her plans? No one is quite sure but it requires the accumulation of large sums of ADAM, something made complicated with the disappearance — or rescue– and age of the first batch of Little Sisters. Older Little Sister’s can’t scavenge the powerful stuff from corpses any more and there are no more little girls in Rapture. So off the Big Sisters go to Iceland and Europe to steal children to become new Little Sisters to continue her experiments.

You play as Subject Delta, a ghost from Lamb’s past, sworn to protect her daughter Eleanor as her Big Daddy. Grown up as Eleanor may be, Delta must find her or he’ll die as part of his Daddy conditioning. Brought back from the dead by Eleanor and with drill at the ready Rapture’s fate will fall to you as you decide what is just and right by Sofia’s sympathizers and the new batch of Little Sisters. The splicers would do well to steer clear of the only Big Daddy who can think, feel… and wield plasmids.

History

Hot on the heels of Bioshock 1 2K started working on Bioshock 2. Originally subtitled Sea of Dreams, this moniker was dropped. Plot and gameplay details were revealed in a 2009 issue of Game Informer. Alongside this 2K launched a website called ‘There’s Something in the Sea’ explaining the tale of Mark Meltzer who was investigating the disappearance of girls who lived on the shore.

Fun Fact: Original designs only contained one Big Sister who would harass Delta for interacting with Little Sisters and would flee when dropped to low enough health. Lead Designer Zak McClendon said they cut it becase it would be unsatisfying to have a foe that the player couldn’t finish off.

Bioshock 2 was released on February 9th 2010. It’s competition was Stalker: Call of Pripyat (PC), Deadly Premonition (XBox 360 and PS3), and Heavy Rain (PS3)

Experiences

One of my favorite parts of Bioshock was the section in which Jack has to disguise himself as a Big Daddy. He gets a special uniform that reduces the damage he takes and gets to guide Little Sisters around to get them to an escape Bathysphere. It was an incredibly frustrating part of the game as the little ones are very fragile, thankfully it was also very short. But like Road Warrior’s Tanker Chase to Fury Road, this game took that short section that people remember prominently and turned it into a full experience. The focus and design expands the idea into everything I wanted it to be. It made me feel powerful and even a little reckless at times, everything I witnessed in Bioshock’s iconic Bouncer Big Daddy archetype.

I can’t count the number of times I charged a splicer and shouted, “get away from her!”

Gameplay

The gameplay itself has not evolved much since Bioshock 1. The story is one that’s completely original but it all leads to the same end, a wild romp through Rapture filled with a few puzzles, moral decisions, gun-play, and hacking. It’s really difficult to talk about it because there’s not much that’s actually different. It’s got the same plasmids and functional reprints of weapons from the first game.

The big new innovative gameplay elements would be walking on the sea floor — which is pretty cool and fun — and adopting Little Sisters. Delta can either harvest Little Sisters on the spot or adopt them to score more ADAM from nearby corpses. Then, Delta can either rescue the poor girl or harvest them anyway. Either way, after Delta has handled the Little Sisters a Big Sister will arrive to attack him. And get ready for a big damn fight. Big Sisters are lithe, small, fast, and have a variety of attacks and methods designed to wreck Delta’s slow lumbering ass. — Oh yeah and Delta’s Eve is fed intravenously so for those who were totally grossed out by all the needles before there are slightly fewer.

That armor might look ramshackle but ADAM has a lot of long term effects.

The Gush

I hope you’re ready for more moral decisions because Bioshock 2 wants to add another layer to things. Delta will be judged for harvesting or rescuing Little Sisters as well as taking the lives of certain defenseless characters — note that I say defenseless, not innocent. Kill too many and well… let’s just say that it might set a bad example.

The character designs are stellar once again. Lamb, Delta, Big Sisters, Little Sisters, and the Splicers are all visually distinct and interesting. Everytime I look at them I see more and more. A lot of work was put into them, I can shoot the bowler hat off of the big muscly guys and that’s just fun.

The new weapons are fitting replacements for Jack’s arsenal. They’re like Jack’s stuff… but for a Big Daddy. A shotgun, machine gun, utility launcher, and spear gun — as opposed to the crossbow — but bigger and badder. And of course, the incredibly powerful wrench has been replaced by the iconic drill. A weapon that will render your opponents into a meaty pulp so long as the fuel lasts.

Yes, this double barreled shotgun does in fact have three chambers for each barrel.

The character models in this game are much improved from the original. They’re smoother, slicker, and generally better looking. I didn’t even realize it, however, until I saw them side by side.

Brigid Tenenbaum goes from this

to…

Very Different. I much prefer the latter.

The Kvetch

The game still tries to play like a horror game sometimes and it just doesn’t fly. In Bioshock 1 I was Jack, a dude with a wrench in a shirt running around getting blown up, clawed at, or shot at by anything I looked at the wrong way. Jack may have been capable enough to defeat those enemies but he was also vulnerable in such a way that I didn’t feel indestructible in his shoes. When I’m in that Big Daddy suit though nothing else matters. When I’m Delta I don’t care what it is, it had better step off me and/or my Little Sister or I’m gonna take it for a spin on the end of my drill and use its flailing torso to bludgeon more splicers to death.

Most of the plot left me a little baffled. It’s totally possible to miss some journal entries and then not know what the Big Sisters are, where the new Little Sisters came from, and how/why Sofia Lamb is trying to take over Rapture. I guess none of that plot is really necessary for the story of ‘you are Big Daddy, save Little Sister’ but it was the secondary draw for the first game and it’s odd for it to be so buried or borderline incomprehensible here.

The hacking minigame is a thing of the past. No longer will we be able to silently play pipe dreams to hack a turret in the middle of combat. Now we must have a slider bar stop on certain sections in real time during a fight. Those elbow joints will be sorely missed.

I guess this is… mer… really normal and not unique at all.

Yes this game has multiplayer… no I don’t know why. I’ve never played it and I’m entirely uninterested in giving it a shot. I came here for Big Daddy action not capture the flag with douchebags on the internet.

Vending machines no longer obnoxiously bellow ‘Welcome to a Circus of Value!’ or ‘Ammo Bandito!’ and I miss that.

The Verdict

If nothing would please you more than the experience of being a Big Daddy, or a shield bearer, or a bodyguard with a license to kill then I can’t recommend Bioshock 2 enough. That being said I didn’t find it as narratively, philosophically, or politically compelling as the original. Not to say that it’s a bad game, I don’t think that it’s objectively bad but compared to the original it comes up short. It retails for $20 on Steam but I think, six years after the fact, it’s worth more like $15 so I’d recommend getting it on sale.

Next Week: Bioshock Infinite

Bioshock (PC, Mac, iOS, PS3, and XBox 360)

A plane crashes into the Atlantic Ocean and there is one miraculous survivor. Stranded in the sea he makes his way to the burning light of a nearby lighthouse. Emblazoned in a marquis above the arch reads ‘Welcome to Rapture’. Inexplicably drawn to a bathysphere deeper within our hero hears words of desperation coming from a nearby radio. The static laden voice asks the survivor to come to Rapture and help him save his wife and child, for Rapture has lost its mind. The survivor cannot speak, he cannot disagree. He would kindly love to.

To the sea floor he goes bound for a city in which the great are not restrained by the weak. Where the human genome has been mapped, a map which they have changed into a canvas. And where a man is entitle to the sweat of his brow.

History

Published by 2K games, and developed by 2K Boston and 2K Australia with help from other 2K teams. Bioshock was planned as the spiritual successor to System Shock 2 after 2K got bored of making games in the future/space. The original idea did take place in space with a drone, defender, harvester relationship being the primary focus of the game with the player being a sort of brain-washing enthusiast. These themes were too dark and were considered un-publishable but the themes would endure to Bioshock as we know it.

Fun Fact: The underwater 1940s-punk aesthetic of Rapture was created because the team thought cyber-punk was getting a little boring.

Bioshock was released on August 21st, 2007. It’s competition was Wild Arms 5 (PS2), Medieval 2: Total War: Kingdoms (PC), and Lair (PS3).

Experiences

Last week on this very blog I discussed Dishonored, a game that lies to the player too much for all the wrong reasons. This is a game that employs its deception masterfully. I fear I may have gone too far bringing it up but the game is 9 years old and I just have to point out when people do it right. And in this post-Undertale world the line between mechanic and in-game entity are becoming more and more blurry every day… and it makes me giddy.

Gameplay

Bioshock is a first person Action RPG which features a host of weapons, pseudo-magical powers — called plasmids –, tons of upgrades, and hordes of different kinds of enemies who’ll want to mess up your day. The game leads you on a guided tour of Rapture’s most prominent — and deadly — locations as you find more weapons to keep you up to snuff in combat and plasmids to widen the design space — seriously, just think of all the things you can do with the power of telekinesis or the ability to shoot lightning… in an underwater city.

Which will become incredibly useful when you’re fighting a woman like this.

No matter what you’ll be fighting your way through Rapture. How you do that is up to you. You can spend ADAM to upgrade or purchase additional plasmids, use dollars to buy ammo from hackable vending machines, or use other machines to upgrade your favorite shooter. All of these being totally viable options.

What’s this ADAM that’s in all caps up there? Why it’s the genetic sensation that’s sweeping the city! ADAM is a miracle material that allows quick and easy manipulation of someone’s genetic code, giving them the power to create fire or summon a cloud of angry bees — warning. Sellers of plasmids are not responsible for unintended genetic rewriting or any damage to the psyche caused by use of such products. How do you get ADAM, well you’ll (harvester) have to get it from the Little Sisters (Drones) but be careful of their Big Daddy bodyguards (defender). What you do with the poor girl is up to you at that point but, just remember, you get more ADAM by performing invasive surgery to get the ADAM out.

Ah, the Little Sister. As iconic as she is creepy.

The Gush

Between weapon, plasmid, and personal upgrades the only wrong way to play the game is not to explore and discover these things — then again, that’d make a helluva challenge. Even if you want to go through the whole game with the wrench as a melee warrior that’s totally possible and even capable of doing more damage than any other weapon in the game.

Holy philosophy Batfellows! Are you ready to see Capitalism, Libertarianism, and even more isms duke it out for control of Rapture? If you’re not then you’d best get ready because that’s what this game is all about.

I’ve got to say, I really like the hacking minigame. I never though pipe dreams could be so much fun!

Or should I say ‘plumbing minigame’?

Rapture might seem too far out to be real but I find it incredibly fascinating that it’s not impossible to build the fabled city. It would be incredibly impractical — and even more expensive — but Andrew Ryan was not a practical man.  The sheer technical possibility of its creation — even in the era of the game the 1940s — shows how much the designers cared about the world they made.

The music in this game is very impressive. I still can’t listen to ‘Welcome to Rapture’  without shedding a tear. It perfectly compliments the visuals musically with ideas of what could have been. Something irrevocably lost, a doomed experiment that could have produced wonders.

The Kvush

I really like the persistent moral choice presented by Bioshock but I feel the good side of the bargain might be too powerful. The big choice is rescuing the Little Sisters and getting a small ADAM supply or killing them — well… they might survive the incredibly invasive surgery — and getting a huge ADAM supply. But if you keep saving the children then you’ll be rewarded with little care packages filled with med kits, unique plasmids, ADAM, money, and even special ammo types. In the end harvesting all of them only offers the player 10% more  ADAM than they would have gotten otherwise. Oh… well, I guess the player doesn’t know that. The player has to trust that their good deeds will be rewarded in what presents itself as a Libertarian utopia. That all of Ayn Rand’s ideas go out the window when someone’s kindness is rewarded. When someone does something just because they feel that butterfly roiling of a good deed. That people feel indebted to those who do right by them. Did I just talk myself out of thinking this was bad design?

I don’t know, did you?

The Kvetch

The final boss SUCKS. After all this buildup and all of these complex psychological themes and intrigue the final boss is a big red jerk you shoot until he dies — three times, just in case one was too easy. The game even has a killer finale leading up to him that had my pulse pounding and my hands sweaty with stress and excitement. But the let down of his defeat could only be saved by the game’s stellar ending. Still, the fight is really boring and plain.

The Verdict

Wet damn this game is good. For twenty dollars on Steam it’s a steal. And that’s not even including buying a used copy for your console machine or how cheap it gets when it’s frequently on sale online. I cannot recommend playing this game enough. I find it incredibly shocking how well it holds up today.

Next Week: Bioshock 2

Dishonored (PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One)

Welcome to the city of Dunwall! Where fascism lurks around every corner, the plague is in season, and conspiracy is omnipresent. You play as local badass and Protector the the Empress Corvo Attano. But none of that really matters as in the first 20 minutes of play you get punked by an assassin who kills the Empress right in front of you. To top it all off the Empress’ daughter, Emily, is kidnapped. In short, you’ve been Dishonored if you will. You must take revenge against the people who performed these vile deeds. By blade, shade, or spell you will eliminate those responsible — and maybe put Emily back on the throne… or whatever, I dunno.

History

Dishonored was developed by Arkane Studios lead by Raphael Colantonio and Harvey Smith and published by Bethesda. It seems like development began with the setting and world as a whole, followed by Corvo’s abilities, and then the levels were designed with Corvo’s capabilities in mind. Colantonio was quoted as saying, “we wanted to give [the player] very strong powers, to make [the player] really a badass, but at the same time we didn’t want the game to be too easy,”.

Fun Fact: The implementation of a morality system’s cause and effect was included after John Houston witnessed a tester infiltrate a masquerade ball. Instead of acquiring clues by listening to the other guests, the tester elected to kill them all and sort it all out later. Needless to say, Houston found this disconcerting and added consequences to actions like this.

Dishonored was released on October 9th, 2012. It’s competition was XCOM: Enemy Unknown (PC, PS3, XBox 360), Hotline Miami (PC), and Assassin’s Creed 3 (PS3, XBox 360).

Experiences

Dishonored is the first game that I completed out of spite. My friends and review publications gave it stellar recomendations so I figured I’d give it a shot. I’ll get to my disappointment later but the point is that I couldn’t review the game in good conscience until I finished it, so I did. Every mission I wanted to put it down but I thought, “It’d be a shitty review if I put the game down… maybe it’ll get better.” It never did. It just got harder and more frustrating. The quick-save key will be your best friend… until you save yourself into a shitty situation.

Gameplay

Dishonored is a first person action game with a heavy emphasis on stealth. You’ll have to sneak your way through the diseased and rotten city to reach the target of the day — or night. Whatever blocks you path you can sneak by, disable, kill, ignore, or outrun in any combination or measure. These guards aren’t dumb though, they’ll recognize when things are amiss. From seeing you to spotting bodies, the more alert they become the more aggressive and thorough their searching techniques become.

I mean, they’re not always completely brilliant.

Corvo has a repertoire of magical activated and passive abilities. From the power to teleport, see through objects, and double jump Corvo’s magical powers will improve his chances of survival and eventually lead him to dominate his enemies — both figuratively and literally. Corvo can improve these abilities by finding Whale Bone Runes and Charms so keep an eye out for them.

One of the main aspects of the city is the Chaos level. Actions that Corvo take can increase or decrease the Chaos level. The greater the chaos grows the more plague rat swarms that will appear to feast on the living and the dead as well as an increase of Weepers — basically plague zombies. If you want to really get your murder on then it might have dire consequences down the line for Corvo and his allies.

The Gush

The setting is gloriously atmospheric. The Whale-Punk aesthetic is something I might actually run a roleplaying game in sometime. It creates a world in which knowledge is great in certain areas and yet totally limited in others. I adore something about the absurdity inherent in a world with single shot pistols and giant lightning walls both being relatively recent discoveries.

Samuel, just Samuel. The only character I could bear to listen to for more than a few minutes. The only character I can think of who sounded like he gave a shit on a consistent basis. Samuel the sailor is Corvo’s main transportation and primary source of information. Samuel gives Corvo a short briefing of every area before they arrive and he’s got a sweet scruffy voice. I was always glad to hear him and have him by my side.

Look at that architecture! And while you’re at it check out Samuel’s grizzled mug.

Actually assassinating people is incredibly fun. There are different ways to approach every target and elements of the stage you can use against them. Unfortunately, if you elect to dispatch of them non-lethally, most of these avenues are locked off to you. So… I guess it pays to be good.

In addition to different ways to dispatch your targets there are a myriad of ways to actually reach them. From sewer tunnels to kicking down the front door, there’s no wrong way to reach your victim. Unless you’re trying to be non-lethal. Then the right way is the incredibly sneaky way where no one sees you and you knock out every guard along the way.

The Rant

Before I get to the Kvetch I’ve got to get mad. I’m mad because Dishonored is a game that lies to me three times in the first 30 minutes. Lying to the player is a dicey proposition that should always be approached with caution but is not necessarily a bad thing. I feel though that Dishonored does it wrong.

The first lie I was told was that Corvo Attano is a badass. He might be a badass when I’m in control but as soon as the cutscene starts I’m surprised he doesn’t choke on his own tongue. In the first scene of the game he manages to fail to protect The Empress of Dunwall, which I must remind you is his JOB as Royal Protector. Not only does he fail but he doesn’t even lay a finger on the person responsible. I know that it sets up the Assassin as a bad motherfucker but I’m certain Corvo’s Badassery and the Assassin’s bad motherfucker status could both have been maintained. What if instead of getting force choked and punked Corvo and that Assassin fight for a bit — maybe plug in a combat tutorial or something, I dunno — then when Corvo’s got this guy on the ropes he pulls out the force choke. Now I know I’m good at this whole Royal Protector thing, but I failed because my opponent straight up cheated. It also makes getting magical powers feel more important.

Lie the second is that leaving corpses makes the plague get worse. Rushing through the tunnels of the prison, a tutorial mentions that leaving corpses does just that and this rampant killing will lead to a darker conclusion. Aight, sounds good, leave no trace and all’s well. One of Corvo’s abilities he can put rune points into is called Shadow Kill and makes it so at the first level enemies who die via stealthy means are turned to ash. And at the second level enemies turn to ash no matter how they’re killed. Sounds great, no bodies, no problems. I had to spend eight points on it but it’s worth it to be able to play the game without as guilty a conscience. Wrong. It’s not leaving the bodies, it’s simply the act of killing the guards. Anyone you kill, whether they turn to ash or not, contribute to the plague’s worsening effects. So that’s a save down the tubes unless I feel like being a prick and continuing the murder cycle.

I was too busy letting the rats eat innocents to consider the ramifications of my actions!

The third is much more intangible and definitely doesn’t constitute deception on the part of the game but I’m getting ahead of myself. When I saw the trailers and heard what people had to say about the game I imagined Corvo as a tragic hero. A prisoner taken from his lofty position to become experimental plaything for magic research and what have you. That the iconic mask was a byproduct of the scarring caused by the experiments, the knife being unkind to our dear Corvo. That’s not the case. Corvo is offered magic for… reasons… well no reason at all really. The Outsider bestows magical powers upon him cause they’re cool, yo. And Corvo’s tinkerer buddy Piero makes Corvo the mask for no real reason. Piero says It’s a sort of sentimental thing that will strike fear into Corvo’s enemies. Alright, I’m down, sounds good, maybe there will be like a Batman thing where I can spook guards to sow dissent in their ranks. I can dig it. I make landing in the first mission, choke out a guard, equip my still beating heart in my left hand, blade in my right. I’ve got my spooky mask on and I teleport up to a passerby in the street and she says…

…

That is the wrong fucking answer. That is a completely illogical and immersion shattering travesty of atmosphere and writing. The mask serves no purpose other than to be something cool to put on the front of the game box or to make the cosplay recognizable. Without the mask Corvo would be a cloaked guy with long black hair or something — I can’t even remember what he looks like. I know I can’t hold Arkane Studios to the standards of a game I created in my head but these narrative elements could have some heft instead of none at all.

I mean, they make good binoculars… what a croc.

The Kvetch

Way at the end of the game Corvo encounters assassins that share in his magical powers. The thing being, they don’t take into account Corvo’s abilities in a scene where they imprison him. Well, I mean, it’s not as if you could tell the guy was magical just by looking at him except OH WAIT! The Outsider’s mark is blatantly on Corvo’s hand as a sign of his magical power. So… these assassins put him in a hole and expect everything to be fine — which leads me to believe they are incredibly stupid… or the designers plum forgot all this shit.

What is the Outsider’s deal? He gives Corvo magical powers to make things, “more interesting,” but has excessive boredom and simultaneously near infinite power. He gives Corvo ‘Great Things are Expected of You’ speech #385 and sends him back into the world with a nifty teleport. Seriously, this is a cool character, give him something to do.

Yeah… but why?

I don’t know what to think about the moral decisions the game has you make. Oh wait, yes I do, I find them very unsatisfying.  Assassination targets offer a lethal or nonlethal approach — kill them or soothe your conscience by knowing that they’re merely out of the way. The issue is that the non-lethal solutions often present a fate worse than death and penalize the player with a killer’s reputation otherwise. For instance, one of the nonlethal solutions was to send the targets shaved, mutilated, and mute into mines they owned to die slowly in the horrible conditions. Ironic but certainly not merciful — can’t I just shove them into a cell until we put Emily back on the throne? And I know we have a cell because it’s where we shove the man who’s killed hundreds in his ethically bankrupt experiments to cure the plague. There’s even a situation where instead of murdering a woman there’s an option to send her off in a boat with an admirer who will, “Make her love him.” And that’s considered the moral high ground, or something. I’m willing to choose the lesser of two evils but why not offer me a third legitimately good option? How about not framing non-lethal tactics as being inherently superior to simple and merciful murder? How about that?

The Verdict

If the aesthetic remotely interested you and you’re a fan of stealth games then you could do worse that picking up this game for $20 on Steam. I bashed it pretty hard but if I were better at stealth heavy games then I might have had more fun with it. That being said, the moral decisions are kind of crap and there are parts of the narrative that seem incredibly forced. If you’re able to ignore all that and just want to teleport around ghosting guards then I know you’ll have a good time but I’ll always see this game as something that’s too flawed for me to truly enjoy.

Next Week: Bioshock