The Witness (PC, PS4, XBox one)


There’s an island covered in puzzles, you solve them. It’s very pretty and and quite breathtaking. There are people statues and tape recorders with recordings of people talking about god — or something. Um… the puzzles get pretty complex. That’s the game.


The Witness is the second major release from gaming giant Jonathan Blow, known most however, for his work at the Games Developers Conference. The whole point of the game was to showcase game and storytelling. Not simply delivering a narrative via dialogue but delivering the story and gameplay in a way that only a game can. Allowing game’s talents for exploration and player agency to guide the player naturally through the story and the adventure.

It was released on January 26th, 2016. It’s competition was Pony Island (PC, Mac, and Linux), Darkest Dungeon (PC and Mac), and FNaF World (PC).


The Witness is a game in which the player solves a series of puzzles made like geometric grid mazes. Each one begetting more puzzles and more rules that combine to transform routine puzzles into mind bending affairs often incorporating elements of the natural environment to present meaning. Recordings of the islands, presumed, previous occupants can be found hidden among the puzzles.

The issue with talking about the gameplay of puzzle games is that I cannot speak more about them without spoiling the solution, undoing the point of the game. So I’m instead going to speak at length about my response to those puzzles.


I cannot recall the last time a game had me from moment one and then lost me at moment 4. The opening puzzles were a gentle guiding hand, showing the bare basics. As were those outside the first section these served to introduce that some grids had rules and paths that had to be crossed. Then came the symmetry puzzles, which introduced restrictions that complimented the path crossing rules nicely. The troubles started in the Desert Ruins. I could not manage to solve the first puzzle in the sequence.


This image technically has all the information someone needs to solve the puzzle on this screen. But I could not see it then and can barely recognize it now.

I wasn’t sure if I didn’t know the rule or trick of the puzzle and therefore should wander until I found something different and new that would lead back to this. Or if I didn’t know that I was supposed to understand what was going on. This lead to ten minutes of guessing, checking, and brute forcing in the hopes that finding the solution would reveal what the method to it was. It did not. I solved the first, but when I approached the second I realized I had no idea how I had completed the first and therefore was still unsure whether I had or had not figured things out. It became apparent that my success had been the product of blind luck and that I had learned nothing about the puzzle’s intended solution or method.

I elected to leave, running into more and more areas with more and more puzzles. I was unsure whether or not I did or did not have the tools I needed to solve them. Some I did manage to solve but it felt like dumb luck again rather than the application of concerted thought or effort. I managed to figure out what to do, not by any deductive reasoning, but more like a prehistoric man banging rocks together until one of them gains an edge. Yes, it’s sharp but it also grows dull easily. Thankfully there are always more rocks around but unfortunately the process of chippings rocks takes a fuck-load of time. I found rules that I had previously encountered and thought I had mastered but with new twists that I couldn’t manage to wrap my head around or presented in new ways unlike their previous iterations.


When I found this I don’t know if I was supposed to understand the little orange squares or if this was the puzzle that was supposed to teach me what they do.

Which would then prompt me to run further, trying desperately to find a group of puzzles that had a thematic link, something that would help me complete them. This was my understanding of puzzle games. Each zone has the basic mechanics of the game but plays with them in interesting and different ways. Thankfully I was able to stumble upon an Orchard and a Zen Garden that offered such things but they too offered seemingly insurmountable walls of difficulty. Somehow this felt worse than bouncing off a series of puzzles wholesale like I had at the temple. Now I knew what I was supposed to be doing, at least I thought I understood the rules and logic, but now I could not manage to apply them.

 Overcome with despair and doubt I committed the great sin of looking up a guide. Particularly for the Desert Temple. It was my understanding that that’s where my confusion began. I figured that if I could complete the puzzles in that area then I would learn more about the rules and logic of other puzzles I had found. Upon seeing the solution and seeing how I was supposed to come to it my immediate response was to wonder in dumbfounded confusion how the hell I was supposed to figure it out. But the response was obvious, “fuck around with it until you figure it out.” Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like fucking around with things for too long. If I don’t apprehend something quickly — I give it 10 minutes of messing around tops — I get the distinct impression that I’m missing something, not that I just need to keep experimenting more.

I continued through the temple hoping that now that I understood the basic logic of what I was meant to do would guide me through the rest. I was wrong, so incredibly wrong. So incredibly guide guzzling wrong. I eventually opened my laptop, with the guide open on it, only glancing at it when I was confused, which was almost constantly. Deeper in the Desert Temple I could not even recognize the method for finding the solution, I only copied them knowing that I would need this logic later, having not learned it and therefore ruining the rest of the game if I didn’t stop using the guide as a crutch. But… I was at a standstill. I could not manage to derive the logic with the guide. Nor could I solve the puzzle without it.


This is the screen that broke me. Dark, oppressive, probably a little moist but not totally wet, not enjoyably wet. It’s like that feeling of sweat all over the body on a humid day level of uncomfortable. I thought it would be a great place to take a long rest and just sink into the mire of my failure.

And so I quit. I admitted defeat. I wasn’t having anything that could remotely be called fun. I wasn’t experiencing that feeling of discovery I had heard about and read about. Every success only prompted me to consider my past failures or the puzzles that I had found and still had no clue how to even begin to solve. And if I couldn’t understand this logic here, then what hope did I have of understanding the parts I found later?

But I can’t bring myself to give up, I can’t bring myself to leave it behind completely. I know I won’t enjoy it, unless something changes dramatically — either in myself or in the game. But I can’t let it beat me. I was able to finish Bubsy, goddamit and that game’s only got nine lives and two continues. I could certainly finish, but certainly not complete — who knows how many hidden puzzles Blow’s tucked away — the game. But… I dread going back.

The Gush

The world is incredibly pretty, but I often spent too much time looking at it with a critical eye. I was unable to simple smell the fresh air. I was too busy scouring rock outcroppings, trees, and piece of geography in a manic and paranoid frenzy, desperate for direction or meaning. No longer was a derelict ship simply something to look at and explore. It was now, perhaps, some place I would find meaning or more puzzles to solve, perhaps not. Soon I began to suspect that there was no decoration, that every object or surface was some sort of clue that I was unsure whether I could or could not decipher the meaning of. But, at least, it was all very pretty.


So Idyllic. Wait, are those marks a puzzle? Is there a puzzle there? Is this puzzles?!

The sound design is spot on, the sounds of beginning and completing a puzzle are chipper and encouraging. The sounds generated by failure are not discouraging for the first 20 times or so but after that they get quite grating. Most liberating of all were definitely discovering the sources of the larger puzzles, as the light on the grid gives way to some sort of fire that burns across the lines.

The Kvetch

I think the lack of music is supposed to leave no distractions in the way of figuring these puzzles out but I ended up feeling alone — and not the good sort of ‘company of myself’ alone. I’m talking the ‘looking inward at oneself and no longer recognizing the individual whose eyes I am currently staring from or at’ level of alone. In constant conflict between playing my own music or playing the game as it was meant to be — or something. An Oddworldesque leitmotif ambiance could have been a welcome to distraction to my near constant frustration in the latter portions and maybe helped me understand when I was entering a new zone with new rules.


Just a little musical change from the paths to the field could make all the difference in teaching me that I’m someplace new. Someplace that is not, ‘new derelict place with puzzles in it.’

God, I wish I could jump. Not huge Mario jumps or something, just little hops. Perhaps the ability to climb chest high walls. I cannot relay the number of times I’ve come to a small cliff I, my literal self, could climb up or down but instead have to find a path around. Sometimes it leads me to lose my way to an area I really wanted to go. But I don’t want to leave this new area behind. I mean, it was put there for a reason right? Was that vista meant to lure me to this point? Is this puzzles?!

The Verdict

The Witness is a game I’ve only played for four hours but has felt like far more and I mean that in the worst way. Every setback, every puzzle I found but did not have the knowledge to solve — but also did not have the knowledge that I didn’t have the knowledge –, every puzzle I could solve but could not apprehend the ruling logic created an incredibly frustrating experience. I feel that searching for a puzzle that I might be able to solve was meant to be an opportunity for a scenic tour of the beautiful landscape. But it instead transformed into a desperate affair. Hoping, often in vain, that I would find something I could call forward progress. Or at least something that would release me of the stubborn feeling of total stupidity that lingered in my success and festered in my failures.

I know that the point of the game is to stump the player until they un-stump themselves but I found the experience of being stumped so distasteful that it was not nearly balanced by those rare moments of brilliance. Any pretense I had to intelligence or discovery was doused in thoughts that someone had been able to solve this puzzle with incredible ease. That even when I had cracked the code it was not impressive or interesting because someone else had. Relating the experience of having cracked it rendered as pointless as going in detail about a dream I had. The Witness invited me into a grand maze, I wandered, and was lost. But I keep coming back in the gloomy hope that I might somehow find my way. Or at least show it couldn’t defeat me.

Next Week: Space Pirates and Zombies


Super Meat Boy (Xbox 360, PC, Mac, Linux, PS 4, PS Vita, Wii U, Android, and there’s probably some sort of conversion for the Gameboy Advance or some shit, seriously, this game is everywhere.)


Alright, here’s what you need to know about Super Meat Boy. The Super Meat Boy is a terrific athlete, everyone loves the him. He loves Bandage Girl and they got a good thing going on. Dr. Fetus is fetus in a jar in control of a person suit and a jerk, so he…


…beats the tar out of Bandage Girl…

…and whisks her away to the improbably large number of properties that he owns. Meat Boy gives chase, but whenever he’s about to rescue her, Dr. Fetus takes her to another location. Locations such as, the nearby woods, a salt factory, and literal hell. Meat Boy is fast and made out of meat so he can jump and run, using his parkour powers to navigate increasingly bizarre and treacherous terrain.


Super Meat Boy and it’s development team, Team Meat, spearheaded by Edmund McMillen have a colorful history. McMillen often drew monsters and strange things as a boy and started publishing Flash Games on sites like Newgrounds in 2001. Games such as Dead Baby Dressup, 12 Dead Baby Uses, WWF Baby Dressup, and Clubby the Seal. McMillen’s first commercial release was Gish, in which the player controls a sentient ball of tar trying to rescue his girflriend. Meat Boy was released in 2008 made in Flash and it was quite popular, netting millions of views across the sites hosting it.


McMillen here sporting his meatiest Garb.

Microsoft and Nintendo approached him about making an expanded game for XBLA and WiiWare. McMillen formed Team Meat with Tommy Refenes to code stuff, Danny Baranowsky to do the music, and Jordan Fehr to make the various metallic and meaty noises. Development started in January of 2009 and in August of 2010 McMillen got word from Microsoft that they wanted the game released in two months for a promotion they wanted to start — even though they would fail to promote the game at pivotal moments. Which prompted McMillen and Refenes to design and code as if their game depended on it — because it did. But the game did get released on schedule to plumb and great fanfare.

Super Meat Boy was released on October 20th, 2010. It’s competition was Fallout: New Vegas (PC, XBox 360, and PS3), Dragon Age Origins: Ultimate Edition (PC, PS3, XBox 360), and Fable III (XBox 360).

Fun Fact: PETA protested the game with the release of Super Tofu Boy. Edmund decided to include an easter egg based on this. If the player types ‘petaphyle’ at the title screen they will unlock Super Tofu Boy, a character so slow and with a jump so low it’s literally impossible for him to complete most stages.


I’m not sure how long the leaderboards stay up or if they ever get cleared. Point being I completed a stage so fast that I held the fastest time. It’s an early stage, so it’s not like I’m  master of the game or anything, but I still felt really stoked. The leaderboards are also split between different characters so it’s possible to be the best at your favorite character if Meat Boy isn’t your bag.


Super Meat Boy is a platformer with the sensibilities of Hotline Miami. You’re gonna die a LOT. Pits, sawblades, other meat, cannons, salt, and syringes will all cause Meat Boy to explode in gore and death but he’ll be back in a literal second ready for more. Each world and each level slowly ramps up the difficulty and adds new gimmicks and mechanical elements until it’s a giant mass of fans, conveyor belts, salt streams, cannons, and other things that the player will come to master.

Completing the level is one thing but what’s more important is doing everything in the game — right? Super Meat Boy comes with unlockable characters, collectible bandages, warp zones to alternate stages, dark world counterparts — for those who find the regular levels too easy — , and A+ing every stage by doing it fast. The unlockable characters aren’t just skins, most of them have special and unique abilities which change the way they play, such as Commander Video’s glide or Josef’s propeller head spin. Certain characters are even more effective on certain maps so if you get stuck it might just mean changing up the character you’re playing.


Characters are unlocked in warp zones and by collecting bandages.

The Gush

The game’s fucking hard to complete 100% and I think all the things necessary to do so actually do a better job at dissuading the player from that sort of behavior rather than encouraging it. I got to chapter four, liked the story, had a blast with the game, and played with all the characters I had unlocked but put it away for a few months when it started to get too tough for me. Now I’m back on the horse and I’m having just as much fun as I did in my first run through. The whole while I don’t feel the pressure I usually do to 100% the game because christ, that would just take too much effort.

When you do finish a level the game runs a replay with every failed attempt running at once. This is one of the most cathartic things on the entire planet. Seeing all of your failures in motion as they fall into pits, get chopped up by saws, or fall into piles of needles while the one who matters gets to the goal really made me feel like I had done good.


It’s a Thing of Beauty

If you just couldn’t get enough then have no fear, there’s no such thing as enough. The game has a well constructed level editor and those levels can be found in the bonus world, Teh Internets. It might be possible to literally play this game forever.

The Kvetch

Oh no, ooooooh no, the Social Justice Warrior hat is going onto my head. Curse my love of hats, I can’t bring myself to be rid of a single one. Well, the SJW hat is on so I might as well talk about something that I think is ‘problematic’. The game is a send up the platformers and games of McMillen’s childhood so Bandage Girl is gonna get kidnapped — it was an inevitability in design meeting #1. That’s not so clearly the problem because there’s a game mode where you can play as Bandage Girl rescuing Meat Boy instead, so that’s cool. The problem comes in the sheer number of times Dr. Fetus beats the piss out of her. Whenever Meat Boy completes a stage he gets dragged along to the next as Dr. Fetus pummels her mercilessly and poofs them away. It’s just a framing device but maybe not every animation had to be a ‘comedic’ beating. The problem is that the beatings are all game references that seem like their meant to be played for laughs.


Look away Meat Boy! Look away from the horrid violence against (presumable) females.

Some of the warp zone levels are just leagues more difficult than the world their in. I understand that they’re sort of bonus content but sometimes a warp zone is just too hot for me to handle. It’s a difficulty spike so large that it’s more dissuading than anything. It’s probably just because games of the past have hard-wired that bonus levels are cool fun things.


This cool thing should not inspire dread like it does for me.

The boss fights are a little meh. It’s tricky business making a boss fight out of a platformer, especially when Meat Boy has no attack. They’re all basically all forced platforming challenges and they’re all pretty good. But they don’t scratch that boss itch like an enemy from another game might.

I’m quite the prude and this game has got a lot of toilet humor. Literally, one of the bosses is a pile of Dr. Fetus’ fecal matter that Dr. Fetus has somehow given sentience. Needless to say I’m not a big fan of it.

The Verdict

Do I gotta say it? This game is seven years old and its’ a fucking masterpiece… if you like platforming. If the allure of jumping and not getting hit by things never appealed to you then this ‘un is not gonna light that flame. But if you ever longed for the days of Bubsy, hard Mario levels, or the madness induced fury of a Ghouls and Ghosts game then this was made for you. For the slick price of $15 it’s cheap to boot, especially considering all of the content therein.

Next Week: The Witness

Antichamber (PC, Mac, and Linux)


Why are there always facilities filled with puzzles and tests? Between Amnesia, Portal, Mondo Medicals, The Talos Principle, Quantum Conundrum, Tiny Brains, and all the rest how many puzzle filled testing facilities are there? Not to say that Antichamber is exactly like those games but it’s a weird trope that keeps popping up. You’re a faceless operativ, test subject, or something who’s got to solve strange time and space bending puzzles as they attempt to find the center of, or escape — maybe both, the Antichamber.


Antichamber was developed by Alexander Bruce and it was a tumultuous creation. Not tumultuous in terms of risk of being shut down or running our of money or something. Lemme put it this way, Antichamber’s development started in 2006 as an arena combat game. It gradually shifted and morphed over time into a single player puzzle game. One of the things that really inspired Bruce to make the change from combat to puzzles was a simple coding error that resulted in impossible geometries.

Antichamber was released on January 31st, 2013. It’s competition was DMC: Devil May Cry (XBox 360, PS3, and PC), Dead Space 3 (PS3, PC, and XBox 360), and Aliens: Colonial Marines (PS3, PC, and XBox 360).


Antichamber is a trip, like a straight up drug trip. It’s filled with impossible spaces, bizarre objects, and mind bending puzzles and trials. Unfortunately this creates a situation where getting from A to B is mind boggling and can be incredibly frustrating. Combine that with the game’s two hour time limit and it engenders a lot of stress about getting to the right place at the right time. Another interesting thing about Antichamber lies within the design of most puzzle games. In most games as the player gains access to more verbs and more ways to interact with the puzzle space the game gets more difficult but instead Antichamber becomes more simple as the player’s ability to change their surroundings grows.


Antichamber is a puzzle game that likes messing with the player’s head and revealing more mechanics than meets the eye. The puzzles start off by teaching the player simply how to navigate the bizarre and non-Euclidian space of the Antichamber. At any time they can hit escape and go back to the main room which allows them to teleport to any room or puzzle they have already solved — paradoxically, the player gets the puzzle’s hint after they solve it. Unfortunately I made the mistake of assuming that the map was actually useful, that its paths were truly representative of what the map was like — and it is. But because the paths are geometrically impossible the map is less than useful — the teleport function is incredibly handy though.


This is not the exception, it is a regular occurrence.

Eventually the player finds a gun like tool that can capture and deploy certain blocks in the environment. These blocks can trigger switches and make good building tools. Then another tool that can capture and deploy blocks very quickly. Then another that can beckon blocks and all blocks connected to that one. And then a final tool that can eat blocks and then spawn nearly infinite blocks radiating from one. I only bring these powers up because I found myself frustrated by not knowing whether I had the tools necessary to complete a certain puzzle. The game attempts to make this clear by color coding the blocks and tool as if to say, ‘do you see red blocks but you haven’t gotten the red tool? Then you can’t handle it yet’. But I was able to solve a puzzle with blocks of a tool I hadn’t gotten yet, and when I did that once I figured the sky was the limit and then later realized my cunning success had simply been a fluke.


Moving blocks and breaking chains is all well and good but some of these are just wizardry.

The Gush

This game has got impressive visuals. The visual style aside, the things in the game simply look strange. The lighting also gives everything around it an otherworldly air. Any time those colors lights were around my eyes were peeled for secrets or something strange coming up.


One of the areas is akin to a museum, filled with strange objects and shapes.

The ambient music and noise serves both as a calming agent that kept me from losing my shit in some of the more frustrating moments and as the occasional clue to puzzles. Certain areas have certain music so if the music changed, I knew that whatever I had done had triggered a teleportation effect, for instance.


The Kvetch

There’s no narration, there’s often no clear indication of whether something is helping or not, it’s the player teaching themself about the rules of the world. And that’s all well and good but then we get to this thing.


This bizarre black floating series of shifting cubes emits whispering murmurs and floats around ominously near new tools. I was under the impression that it was something that was menacing and was meant to be avoided. Apparently it’s supposed to intrigue the player because reaching it serves as the overarching goal. I just feel like it gives off bad vibes.

There are a few puzzles that I got stuck on and would not have been able to complete if I hadn’t looked up the solution. Most of them involved situations regarding things I didn’t even know the world was capable of. Bizarre tricks and peculiarities of the game’s rules that are neither obvious nor intuitive.


There came points, especially near the end, when I thought, “What the hell do I do now?”

The Verdict

I got a little frustrated with it at times, but some of that’s me being bad at puzzle games and some of it’s genuine difficulty in learning certain bizarre tricks.. As such I would recommend Antichamber to anyone who knows what non-Euclidean geometry is and loves to warp their brain. I hate to say it and I don’t want to pull hourage but I got three and a half hours of fun — and thirty minutes of pure frustration — out of Antichamber and with a $20 price tag it’s a little steep for my tastes. With Portal 1 sitting at $10 and Portal 2 at $20 I feel like it would be most satisfying to pick up Antichamber at $15 when it goes on sale next.

Next Week: Super Meat Boy

Unholy Heights (PC, 3DS)


Hell, a place where the sinful dead of mankind burn in torment for all eternity. It’s a pretty good gig… but not a very profitable one. To make some money Satan sets up a series of tenement housing — hey, chicken people, undead, and demons need homes too. The profits would be steady if it weren’t for all those damn crusading adventurers seeking Satan’s riches — and the few monsters foolish enough to think they can cheat the devil out of his due. Thankfully the tenants neglected the part on the lease where they have to defend Satan to the death in the event of an adventurer incursion — suckers. Fill your housing project with creatures capable of defending it… and capable of paying the rent at Unholy Heights.


Unholy Heights was developed by Petit Depotto, a japanese indie game developer composed of a four person team. The overall game was inspired by the leader’s experience with property management, including one tenant who had left in the night never to be seen again. Their website is completely in Japanese so if you’re in need of a laugh, check out Google’s instant translation.

Unholy Heights was released on August 16th, 2013. It’s competition was Payday 2 (PC, XBox 360, and PS3), Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons (XBLA), and Papers Please (PC and Mac).


Do you remember demos? When you could play a game for a few levels to see if you liked it enough to buy the full product. The year after my graduation from University I let someone stay with me for a few weeks while his apartment application cleared. On an idle evening, in a half remembered rant he relayed to me the demo of a game he played about Satan managing a slum. That game ended up being Unholy Heights and we both immediately bought it. What really surprised me was how different our management styles were. He was throwing people out left and right, while I was more lenient. Until someone neglected to pay their rent for three days running, at which point I would send them on a suicide charge into battle. I’m not sure which of was crueler.


Unholy Heights is a cross between a simulation game and a sort of tower defense. Satan’s tenement consists of 1-4 floors and each floor has four rooms. Each room can contain one tenant.. When adventurers attack, whether randomly generated or goaded on by Satan, you can send tenants to fight the advancing adventurers. Different types of tenants have different attacks so it’s important to deploy and house your tenants tactically.


Tenants will also shack up with each other and even sire progeny.

Each room comes with available slots for furniture. Certain furniture types enable a monster’s employment while others, like exercise equipment, can increase their combat stats. Other furniture can make the slum more appealing to certain types of monsters. But it all costs gold so you’ll have to speculate to accumulate.

The different types of tenants all have different needs, preferences, and capability of paying rent. Demons for instance love when tenants die, the more of your tenants die the more likely they are to move in. On the flip side, demi-humans hate casualties so they’ll stiff you on rent if the body count starts rising. Some tenants require rooms to be hot or cold. It’s your responsibility as the land lord to make the tough decisions. Do you let the guy who hasn’t paid rent stick around because he’s a good fighter, or do you chuck him out because you really need the cash to satisfy a picky tenant who’s been paying consistently?

The Gush

The monster designs are really silly and fun. I love unlocking new characters just to see what they look like or what they do.


It’s a deadly, teddy bear, monstrosity that throws magical bolts. Simply Incredible.

The early game is incredibly sentimental. It’s easy to give all of the tenants the attention that they deserve. I really enjoyed learning their daily routines, likes and dislikes, and hoping they would succeed at their job. Not just because it would earn me more money but because it meant I was managing their homes well.

The Kvetch

A lot of the mechanics are poorly conveyed. Inccubi and Succubi for example, lose combat effectiveness when they shack up. And lose even more when they dote on a child. But there’s no explanation of that in their bestiary description. The only way you would notice is if you were watching their stats meticulously.


I see all these pluses and minuses but I have no idea what’s conferring them.

I found the game trivially easy. It was all a sort of escalating build of stronger monsters vs stronger adventurers. Get melee guys in the front, spellcasters in the back. I would lose most of my tenants every fight. But that would just inspire more demons and undead who respected my victory at any cost mentality to join the ranks. Soon the rooms were full again and in a few minutes they found eager mates who were happy to be a part of this brave housing experiment. Then it was time to invite the next giant wave.

The Verdict

Unholy Heights is casually fun but doesn’t stand up to long periods of play or serious scrutiny. I certainly had fun will my little manor, I was even satisfied laying it aside without finishing the game. But it’s more obfuscated elements will frustrate more serious players and might make casual strategies unsustainable. That being said, this game is a steal at four dollars on Steam. You can literally buy this game with the loose change you find in your couch and I would say it’s worth it. It provided hours of genuine entertainment before it lost my interest.

Next Week: Antichamber

Warlocked (Gameboy Color)


In a world of elves, orcs, and high magic humanity is on its last legs as they face off against the hordes of th Orc Chief Zog. You play as either Chief Zog’s forces, ready to wipe the humans out or as Queen Azarel, desperately taking the fight to Zog’s fortress — It’s just about as Warcraftian as you can get — or is that Tolkienian. Gather resources, build buildings, train units, summon mighty wizards, and train a dragon or two in Warlocked.


Warlocked was created by Bits Studio, a development group I was surprised to find had a pretty big catalog of games. Games including the INFAMOUSLY bad Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for the Nintendo, Last Action Hero (SNES), and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. The Last Action Hero has level timers so short that unless you played as clean as possible you time out and have to restart the level. That’s how bad it is.. I guess a broken clock is still right twice a day.

Warlocked was released on July 24th, 2000. It’s competition was Diablo II (PC), Strider 2 (PS1), and Chrono Cross (PS1).


A handheld RTS game might be the craziest idea that ever popped into a designer’s head. Battery life demands that missions be short and memory limitations must have been a nightmare. Not to mention the Game Boy only had two buttons, A and B. It creates a binary system, you can choose yes or no. And it makes any attempt at finer controls difficult. But on long trips the adventure was actually well appreciated and the before-mission briefings did a good job of presenting an overall story to the game. I can’t believe I’m saying this but when I played through the intro a few days ago I got actual chills.


And then I started laughing uncontrollably at this frame of cloned knights.


Warlocked is basically the simplest version of Warcraft 2 you’ve ever played. Your stronghold trains peasants who chop trees to get fuel, and mine gold mines to get gold. Then they spend those resources on barracks to train elven archers and knights or Orcish grunts and skeleton archers. You move units around and they explore the map through the fog of war in a series of missions, each of which with unique objectives.


Complete with idyllic forests and peasants with sacks of gold.

Things begin to differ on the magical side of things. Some wizards are shared between the factions while others are faction exclusive. Each wizard is vulnerable to physical attack but can cast valuable and deadly spells with the proper support to keep them alive. Wizards such as Stealthwiz, who can render any unit invisible until they attack a unit — great for resource gathering peasants who never attack. A player can only have two wizards active at a time so they need to choose them wisely.


Chief Zog and Queen Azarel can take to the field themselves as well.

The game also has a multiplayer mode which requires a link cable between two Gameboys. It seems like Bit Games put a lot of effort into the maps and multiplayer systems. Which is a shame because I sincerely doubt two human beings ever actually played this game against each other.

The Gush

DRAGONS! If you find a dragon egg in your travels then it will be taken back to your stronghold for safe keeping. In a few minutes it will hatch into a majestic dragon-thing which will utterly destroy your enemies. It can fly over most obstacles and, though vulnerable to arrow fire, can take a lot of punishment.

The music is actually shockingly good, especially for the Gameboy’s limited sound card. Some songs aren’t great but the main theme was pretty striking.

When you’ve finished both campaigns there’s still a lot of game left to play… well sort of. There’s a video poker mode to the game where you can bet your gold and try to win big. You can then use this gold in the multiplayer in some way I never figured out because I never met another human being with this game. Oh yeah, and slider puzzles.

The Kvetch

RTS games were made for the keyboard and mouse. Starcraft 64 taught us that messing with this established control scheme is tricky business. Selecting units, ordering units, and choosing which building to construct becomes this sort of cumbersome mess. Worse yet, melee units become nearly useless because it’s so difficult to maneuver them in combat.


And sometimes it’s vitally important to attack enemies en masse.

Like most RTS games the units have barks when selected and dispatched but the Gameboy’s hardware can’t really support that. Instead what we get is a bit-crushed mess that’s nearly impossible to understand. It serves more as hindrance and noise rather than interesting flavor.

Like Netstorm’s The Noose, I got totally stuck in the middle of Zog’s campaign — strangely enough, I was able to play through Azarel’s campaign without much issue. The mission is a pitched battle in which you’re given control of the mighty Plaguewiz who can infect enemies with Blobby Pox which causes them to explode and infect nearby units… not enemies, any unit. The clunky controls make it nearly impossible to keep your men out of the blast radius. And because Plaguewiz is quite fragile — he’s wracked with pneumonia and basically everything after all — he needs a constant escort. This all wouldn’t be so bad but the mission stipulations means there’s no base or reinforcements.


No no no, not Toxicwiz. They’re totally different.

The Verdict

If you ever wanted to play Warcraft II on the go and live in the year 2000 then this game is a great deal. If not then… I don’t really know why someone would play it. This was sort of supposed to be a trip down memory lane for me and the more I played it the more I felt like it was just sort of obsolete. It used to be a gem, but it’s such a product of its time that it’s sort of a relic now. Make no mistake, if you happen to have this game or find it in the five dollar bin of your local game shop it’s definitely worth a purchase. But in terms of Gameboy games it’s almost as fun as Tetris. And as we all know Tetris was the best thing that happened to the Gameboy since… well… Tetris.

Next Week: Unholy Heights

The Guild of Dungeoneering (PC and Mac)


The Ivory League has sat on its high horse for too long, raking in gold hand over fist and parading their heroes about. It’s enough to make an intrepid entrepreneur gag. Meanwhile the Guild of Dungeoneering has fallen on hard times but that could be an opportunity of sorts. You elect to buy the Guild on the cheap and build your own adventuring society to save the day… and make enough gold to fill an olympic sized pool with — gotta have priorities. Chumps, Mathemagicians, and Mimes show up daily to adventure — and almost certainly die — in service to the Guild of Dungeoneering.


Not a lot here today. Guild of Dungeoneering was made by the five man team what calls themselves Gambrinous and was released on July 14th, 2015.

It’s competition was Godzilla: The Game (PS4 and PS3), Five Nights at Freddies 4 (PC), and Way of the Samurai 4 (PC).


I gotta throw another big shout out there for youtuber Kikoskia, without whom I probably would never had heard about this game. That out of the way I’m gonna use this section to complain about my lack of deep experiences. Darkest Dungeon is a similar game with much darker overtones that I’ve spoken about before. The reason I bring it up is because Darkest Dungeon made me feel really attached to adventurers going into unknown depths to get their shit rocked. Guild of Dungeoneering did not. All of the adventurers in the Guild have individual character based on their class but every chump is the same as the last. Ah well, means I don’t feel as bad when they get horrifically petrified by a beholder.


Guild of Dungeoneering is not the typical dungeon delving game. Unlike most games the player does not have control over the adventurer. Instead the player builds the dungeon, places monsters, and treasure in an attempt to guide or goad the adventurers around. Every quest has a goal such as defeating a certain number of enemies or a boss. Some have limits like a set number of turns before the adventurer dies. In others the boss is chasing the adventurer down in a bid to destroy them.

Should your adventurer get too close to a monster they’ll engage in combat. Combat is card based in which both characters execute maneuvers simultaneously. The player chooses from 1 of 3, or more, attacks or maneuvers which deal magic or physical damage or block physical or magic damage. Enemies choose whatever card they’ve got off the top of their deck. The trick is, the player can see it and try to act accordingly. The adventurer gets new attacks and abilities based on the equipment they loot from enemies.


Build the dungeon and try to use your knowledge to take advantage of it.

When you’re not in the dungeon you can tour around the guild. Which basically amounts to building new wings to unlock new adventurers or equipment and checking out the graveyard to behold the great horde of brave people you’ve sent to their untimely demise. And apparently in between adventures your heroes throw all their equipment or spend it on prostitutes or something because they go to every dungeon unarmed and unarmored with just their base abilities.

The Gush

The music in this game is really solid. From the main theme itself to the little ditties the the narrator sings when you win or fail it’s always a joy. The music in the dungeons itself can either strike a moody underground tone or a raucous adventurous one. No matter what, it’s good stuff.

It’s something small but I like how the game looks like a page of graph paper. It really harkens back to the days of making dnd dungeons on grid paper in the back of english class in high school.

Gambrinous is still making content for this game. Having released a pirate themed and ice themed DLC. So there’s a lot of game here… if only there were enough fresh upgrades and classes to keep the systems fresh.

The Kvetch

Because the dungeon tile cards, monster cards, and loot cards you get are all random it sometimes feels more like good luck or bad is more responsible for success or failure instead of player choice. There’s certainly strategy in choosing which equipment is supported by the current class or effective against the monsters in that area. But if those items don’t drop then it feels like failure was a foregone conclusion and that’s just no fun.


Did I lose because I played sloppy? Or because I got trash loot?

The priority system is a pretty compelling system but not involving one. I think it would have been more interesting if different classes had different priorities for treasure, monsters, and unexplored tiles. It would add a layer of complexity that I think it would be a welcome one, and one easily understood i.e. the Bruiser likes monsters more than loot but the Cat Burglar loves loot more than anything etc.

The Verdict

This game is worth a little whirl. It and it’s DLC are modestly priced at $15 for the game and $5 for each of the DLC — and it goes on sale all the time. I got through about three campaigns before it lost my interest and every once and awhile I go back to it. I think I got my money’s worth so if this interests ya’ll then I would say it’s worth the purchase.

Next Week: Warlocked

Total War: Shogun 2 (PC)


The year is 1545 and Japan is gripped in a terrible civil war. The Ashikaga Shogunate –the guys in charge of Japan who generally tell the Emperor what to do — has lost all control over the Daimyo — wealthy land owners who do a lot of killing and not a lot of dying — of the provinces of Japan and now everyone has equal claim to their throne. All they need is sufficient strength of arms. Whether the army consists of peasants armed with spears, devout warrior monks, or the most elite samurai that can me mustered from the realm they’ll fight with all the tact afforded by their honor. Or you could loot, plunder, pillage, and employ enough ninja to choke a horse — you know, you do you.


The Total War series has been developed by Creative Assembly and Shogun 2 is no exception. Shogun: Total War was the first in the Total War series and fans had been eagerly awaiting the series’ return to Feudal Japan after the release of Medieval 2. I wasn’t actually able to find much information about the development but I did find a tidbit or two about the advertising. Those who bought the limited edition of the game received access to the Hattori Clan, which would later be sold as DLC. Whereas those who pre-ordered the game from Best Buy got extra in-game currency for the beginning of a campaign.

Every time I hear something like this I’ve left asking, ‘what fuels this pre-order culture?’ It was available on Steam at release so there’s no lack for copies of the game. Spoilers — it’s a good game and I like it. It didn’t need to offer all this useless junk or cut out extra clans to give the game the illusion of value because it is valuable on its own merits. Now I’m cranky and I feel like the game chopped up content to sell later. Which is never a good sign so… why would they do that? Don’t they know they’re just hurting their bottom line?

Total War: Shogun 2 was released on March 15th 2011. It’s competition was Dissidia 012 Final Fantasy (PSP), Crysis 2 (PC, PS3, XBox 360), and Homefront (PC, PS3, and XBox 360).


I mentioned in my Medieval II review that I love defending a castle and that passion has not died. If anything, Shogun II has brought it out stronger than ever. The castles in Shogun are much more compact instead of being large sprawling cities. Instead of needing siege weapons, towers, and ladders to scale or break down walls and gates any infantry can climb the walls of the castle or try to burn down gates. Shogun also makes it so any unit defending in the inner fortress has infinite morale and will always fight to the death, they know there’s no other way out. But… the AI does act strangely predictably. They always try to climb over the walls instead of burning down the gates. Someone defending a siege can routinely defend against armies 2 or 3 times their size. It creates these intense situations where an impossibly small force can grab victory from the maw of defeat.


Fire, blood, chaos, no time for that! There’s glory to be won!


The Gameplay in Shogun 2 is split between managing towns and armies in the overworld and fighting battles as armies clash. Managing your clan consists of choosing what buildings to construct in which provinces. Larger fortresses allow you to build more supporting buildings like dojo to train more powerful samurai or markets to make extra money and help train your secret police. Speaking of secret police –or metsuke, they, monks, and ninja compose the cast of agents to serve a rock, paper, scissors like espionage system. Metsuke catch ninja, ninja assassinate monks — and anyone else you sic them on, and monks send metsuke into contemplative retreats. Each of them can also have effects on towns and allied armies when stationed with them. They can also effect enemy armies and towns in a myriad of ways. Castles and certain buildings also constrict your food supply and starving people are angry people so don’t build too many huge castles without the farms to support them — gotta throw that out there because most of my early campaigns suffered because I didn’t understand that.

Your playstyle is sure to be influenced by whichever clan you’re playing as, each one comes with their own unique abilities. For instance, the Chosokabe Clan make more money off of farms and produce superior archers, or the Oda Clan who produce superior Ashigaru (Peasant troops, cheap, affordable, bodies on the field). Between these traits and each clan’s starting location, and the inherent randomness of events each campaign ends up being unique.


Or you can choose your clan by the quality and design of their hat. I ain’t gonna judge.

It’s finally time to get on the battlefield and it’s pretty simple. The player is given a tactical view to deploy troops and then they march around engaging in combat and occasionally disobeying orders — some inexperienced troops will charge without orders whereas others will prefer to stand and fight rather than flee. Certain troops are more effective against others so battles come down to having good troop compositions and getting your men where you need them when you need them there.


I’ve already mentioned the extortionate clan DLC packs but I’ll bring it up again. Three clans and over twenty different unit types meant for the main campaign are held to ransom behind a pay wall. I just checked it out, BLOOD IS HELD BEHIND A PAY WALL! Want your samurai to bleed their last miles from home at the behest of a man far from this bloodshed and mayhem? Welp, you’d best be willing to dish out two dollars for it.


This is what you’re $1.59 gets you, and shame, mostly shame.

Not all the DLC is bad actually. The game comes with two different campaigns, the Rise of the Samurai and the Fall of the Samurai. Each of these campaigns actually completely revamps the entire campaign with different units, goals, and tactics. The Fall of the Samurai even has a different map and has a modernization mechanics to determine how much of the old ways you’ve left behind. That being said, Fall of the Samurai is thirty goddam dollars but blissfully does not require the original game to play — it’s standaloneness has got to count for something… what it counts for I have no idea.

The Gush

NINJA ASSASSINATION CUT-SCENES ARE BACK! One of the best parts of the original Shogun returns with fanfare. Whenever you send one of your shadow warriors to dispatch an enemy commander or agent you’re treated to a mix and match series of scenes showing how your agent sneaks into the enemy midst, dispatches their enemy — or fails miserably, and how they make their daring escape — or fails miserably.


They can really strike from anywhere.

The incidental dialogue from each of the characters is in japanese. It’s small but it’s certainly better than the voices from medieval and their insensitive accents.

The mod library for this game is incredibly verbose. If it’s not in the game there’s a mod to put it in. If there’s a problem there’s probably a mod to fix it.

It’s something small but your generals can gain retainers and each one offers small bonuses to various stats like unit morale or general loyalty. Included in the pool of retainers is the Seven Samurai themselves, you know from that movie…


No, not that one.


Nope, still not right.


THERE WE GO! That’s the bunny.

The Kvetch

The land divide is one of the most frustrating mechanics implemented into the game. Once your clan becomes renown enough the other clans will realize you’re a problem and send everything they’ve got at you. Ignoring war with each other, you become the universal enemy of all Japan. And there’s no clear indication that this will happen and once it begins there’s no undoing it. It’s this bizarre point of no return and if you’re not ready for it, the results can be disastrous.

The research system is actually quite interesting but it suffers from one gigantic problem. It takes too damn long. Even if you go full bore for one of the highest level research topics you will never finish it before you’ve completed the campaign. Even in the long campaign. Even on total domination campaign. You can construct buildings like temples and castles to improve research speed but it barely puts a dent in these research times. And some whole units and buildings are locked off behind these research trees so it’s impossible to play with all the toys in a single campaign.


Each wing takes about 70 turns and that’s for each category. It’s madness.

Naval combat is fucking wizardry. It takes long enough for infantry to change their flank directions or take cover behind a castle wall but the ships move ponderously even by that comparison. I was also never able to figure out how boarding works. The whole thing baffled me so utterly so I ended up employing the auto-calculate function for all naval combats.

Cavalry really seems to get the short end of the stick. The basic unit is a spearman so most armies are composed with the innate ability to defeat cavalry. How far cavalry has fallen since the days of Medieval. Strangely enough cavalry is generally best at defeating more expensive more well put together armies made up of archers and swordsmen. But most armies either have spearmen or naginata wielding samurai so I’m not exactly sure what to do with them. They’re also more expensive to boot so I generally feel like I’m wasting my time hiring these guys.

The Verdict

I know the kvetch is super long but I actually love this game. It’s a super solid Sengoku Jidai based world tactics game. It does a lot to spice up its content between different clans and game styles. The DLC is pretty punitive at full price but it goes on sale often — not that it excuses the badness. The base game goes for $30 and $50 if you want all the DLC, not including the Fall of the Samurai campaign. I would catch it on sale if it sounds interesting.

Next Week: The Guild of Dungeoneering.