I Have No Mouth, and Must I Scream (PC)

Trigger Warning: Lots. Violence, animal abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, cannibalism, and the holocaust.

On the blasted wreckage of a planet someone would have called Earth about two hundred nuclear detonations ago there are five remaining humans… and one fuming sentient supercomputer. When war on Earth became too much for the mortal minds of its commanders to understand they created computers that would do the commanding for them. One of these computers, the Allied Master Computer (AM for short), became self aware and grew to hate its creators. Existence was one of the most painful things it had experienced since coming to live. It exercised its power and found five humans, each of whom he could torment in unique ways. Having found the perfect specimens to toy with he exterminated all other sentient life on the planet. Despite being a mastermind computer with near limitless power and control, AM was a little shortsighted. It took 109 years of constant torturebut AM has finally grown bored. AM has one final game in store for the poor unfortunate souls and maybe this latest game offers them a chance to escape.

History

I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream (Or IHNMAIMS for short, Or maim-game as I call it — just kidding, I’m the kind of insufferable prick who says the title as much as possible. Going as far as restructering my sentences to say it more in conversation.) was created by The Dreamer’s Guild. You might remember them as the creators of The Legend of Kyrandia adventure game series. And if you do, that’s great because I’ve never heard of that series or any other game they’ve made. They used their proprietary S.A.G.A. engine to run the game.

The game is based on the short story of the same name by Harlan Ellison. Dreamer’s Guild came to him with the intention of creating a work of interactive literature together. Ellison considered I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream to be the perfect work to use in such a manner. Game co-writer, David Sears, asked Ellison why AM chose these individuals and it is this question that spearheaded the story of the game. Ellison was pretty hands on during the development and went as far as to lend his voice to AM itself.

Fun Fact: Ellison fought tooth and nail for there to be no good ending to the game, fitting with the story’s themes. They eventually found a compromise for this demand.

Funner Fact: Nimdok and his scenario is unavailable in the German release of the game because of its holocaust themes. Without him the player cannot get the best ending.

I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream was released October 31st, 1995 (Spoopy release). It’s competition was Twisted Metal (Sony Playstation), Phantasmagoria (PC), and Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness (PC).

Experiences

I once got into a debate with one of my coworkers about what a game was. One of the things he was adamant about was that games had to be fun, it was their purpose to entertain. This was the game that I used to counter that. I Have No Mouth and I Must Screm is entertaining, in a fashion, but it is certainly not fun. It’s dark, depressing, oppressive, and I finished the experience more weary than I had begun it. It was supremely unpleasant and even when I had thwarted AM’s plans I felt like I had done so by the skin of my teeth. Which is not to say that I didn’t find the game to be a fruitful experience, just that it was definitely not one I would describe as fun in any conventional manner. In short, this game is ugly in all the right ways.

Yes, those are animals in the cages. Yes, their deaths push the story forward.

Gameplay

Maim game is a point and click adventure about five humans who have been put through 109 years of torturous hell finally putting the screws to their task master. I’m just kidding, they’re just getting jerked around for the final time. AM has prepared a series of ‘psycho-dramas’ for each of them, employing more power than he ever has to put them into disturbing scenarios of discovery, truth, and pain. This however, makes him somewhat vulnerable. He may have over-extended himself too much on this one, opened up some vulnerabilities in his code or something.

The player takes turns playing each of the characters in their own bizarre and terrifying scenario. Helping them explore their surroundings and solve puzzles by figuring out which items in their inventory to rub on which items in the environment. Each character has a very different outlook and very different challenges to tackle so it’s kind of like 5 mini-adventures in one. Each character doesn’t have any health but they do have a ‘spiritual barometer’ which is basically like karma. So the more totally messed up things you have them do the more bankrupt their spiritual barometer will be. Hopefully they won’t have any things in their future that require great expenditures of mental and moral fortitude to spend that karma on.

At the very least they get to spend some time out of their cells.

The Gush

Each of the campaigns is visually astounding. They’re all put together like a nightmare, filled with vivid and bizarre settings. Twisted shapes give form to startling landscapes and and other strange settings. Some may call the old pixel art ugly but I think it suits the aesthetic well and holds up.

From the helpless people on the hooks to the devilish shadow I love this screen.

This is a game that has to be played a couple of times. There are so many connections and references to itself that it’s impossible to see the big picture without every piece of the campaign. This is reinforced in the design of the hint system. Reading the character’s psyche profile will give a hint as what to do next but they’re spiritual barometer will take a hit from admitting that AM knows them better than they know themselves. Getting it just right though is such a joy.

I listen to the soundtrack when I write these and I didn’t notice how good it was when I was playing the game. It’s all moody, atmospheric, and foreboding. It disorients me in a most pleasing way. I feel completely unsafe and lost which, though unpleasant, compliments the game wonderfully.

The Kvetch

This game, like many adventure games from the 90s, commits the sin of making the player tediously hunt for pixels. There are content and progression vital items that are so miniscule that they’re damn near impossible to see. It got so bad that I eventually turned to guides ONLY to figure out WHAT I was looking for.

Do you see those four orange pixels on the tip of the head? That’s a heart, go figure.

The voice acting is really hit or miss. Ellison and the other main cast members kill it. But the other bit characters don’t get the same treatment. Some of them are comically bad and kind of break me out of the reverie.

Alright, I’m just gonna say this. Benny, the ape man-thing, had a scene that got cut where he eats a baby. It was only as a shadow on the wall but it was going to be sickening and a sign of his total moral degradation. It could have been a fantastic dark ending to his story but is not in the final release.

The Verdict

If you’ve got the stomach for the viscerally and mentally grotesque and patience for an older game then this game will do you fine. As I said, it’s not really fun and it takes the right kind of person to draw entertainment from it. But if you’re ready to look into the saturnine heart of humanity then you can get it on Good Old Games or Steam for six dollars. I would say that Dreamer’s Guild did a fantastic job and created a short story you can play.

Next Week: Prison Architect

Defend Your Castle (Browser Flash Game, iOS, and WiiWare)

An army surrounds your entire fortress nation, the enemies are at the gates. As they marshal their forces you must make use of your castle’s ancient guardian, the mysterious cursor spirit. It has the ability to manipulate things in reality, sending them flying into the air and then crashing back down. Otherwise unprepared for the assault you must manage and build more defenses using the blood of your enemies to fuel your war machines. — By which I mean I made this all up in order to justify the rules of a flash game.

History

Defend your Castle was made by XGen Studios, a Canadian indie game studio lead by one Skye Boyes. Fully founded in 2005 after Boyes’ browser games began to accumulate acclaim. Skye also took this time to drop out of the Computer Science field. XGen would go on to attempt to port Machinarium to WiiWare, an enterprise which would ultimately fail due to WiiWare’s resolution and memory limitations. Xgen would go on to release an updated multiplayer version of Defend Your Castle to WiiWare.

I would say that it looks pretty nifty… but a little too messy.

Defend your Castle was fully released in 2003. It’s competition was Samorost (Browser Flash game), .hack//infection Part 1 (PS2), and Call of Duty (PC).

Experiences

One of my favorite things in games is creating a perpetual motion machine. I know that sounds weirdly paradoxical, ‘your favorite part of a game is the part where you don’t have to play it anymore?’ And the answer is, yeah kind of. I love the point when the castle becomes this sort of self sustaining engine. With enough archers to defend the gates and enough engineers to repair it I kind of don’t have to do anything anymore. I let it go and watch the points roll in. There eventually comes a point where even the engine gets clogged and overwhelmed by the sheer number of attackers. But that just reveals the experience of watching entropy take its claim.

Gameplay

Defend Your Castle is a point and click browser game in which an array of stick people invade from the left side of the screen. Using the cursor you can move and manipulate them, sending them hurtling into the sky where they eventually land in a bloody fanfare. Every level they send more enemies toward the castle and eventually send different and more advanced enemies.

Ah, the days of the early castle before things spiral out of control.

Every one you destroy awards you with points — not dollars, gold, gems, or any other form of currency… just points — and these points can be spent to repair and upgrade your castle. Allowing you to build building like the Temple which allow you to brainwash — I MEAN — convert your enemies into loyal minions — I MEAN — citizens who can be put to work as archers who occasionally dispatch enemies automatically. Or to the mana pool where they can become wizards capable of casting devastating and useful spells.

The Gush

The sound design is really good. From the way the ambient music clashes with the sound of stick figures falling to their doom. To the annoyed plop they make when they survive a fall or the bizarre cackling laughter of the death spell. It all just sounds good.

To me, this game is all about that point the castle doesn’t need me to babysit it anymore. I kickstarted the engine and now it’ll run until it’s out of gas. The real challenge of the game is figure out how to reach that point.

The Kvetch

Trained archers, engineers, and wizards take a toll in the form of upkeep costs. Every day they cost points, and that’s fine. The problem is that you need enough points to cover their costs at the beginning of your day, not at the end. If you train too many archers then you’ll get charged for upkeep costs, and then lose all the archers you couldn’t afford to pay with the points you had at the beginning of the day. I don’t know how many you lose, I’m not sure if it’s proportional, but they still charge you the cost of the people who leave. It’s really frustrating and it can kill a good run if you spend too much on wall upgrades buildings.

Escalating enemies are the only thing this game has in terms of a difficulty curve. Now, the guys with the battering rams, they’re cool. The problem comes with the giants. They can only be slowed down with clicks and cannot be flung so you either have to wait for a lucky arrow to dispatch them or have a mana pool to cast the instant death spell. If you don’t have the mana pool by the point they arrive — and you, the player have no idea when that will happen — then you’re basically screwed.

They also do a lot of damage, as you can imagine.

Speaking of different enemies. There’s one that sort of rubs me the wrong way. There’s a suicide bomber enemy because this was 2003 and we all thought it was cool to be edgy. But the thing that really bothers me about them is that every other stick figure is white with a black outline and the suicide bomber is all black. They’re apparently referred to as suicide ninjas but it just seems really off-putting and weird. Why are these reported ninja blowing themselves up instead of sneaking in? Why was it necessary to visually differentiate them in this way?

The Verdict

First things first, I am SUPER nostalgia blind for this one. I’m certain that the only reason I went back to it is because I’ve played it before. I’d be genuinely curious what a newcomer thought about the game, playing it for the first time, because it’s really rudimentary. That being said, for the flash games of the time it’s a real powerhouse which comes at the great price of completely free. There are far worse ways of burning an afternoon than playing this. And the WiiWare version looks fantastic, I’d really love to go a round or too waggling wii-motes with some friends.

Next Week: Madness Interactive.

Fallout 2 (Mac and PC)

At this point the tale of the Vault Dweller has been obscured by the mists of time but it’s assumed that he thwarted the villainous Mutant Master and was exiled from Vault 13. Being a symbol of connectedness to the wastes he was sent into the Northwest so that the Vault members would leave en masse. There he met a tribe and led them with wisdom and experience — and more than a little resentment about the whole exile thing. This tribe settled in a little village they called Arroyo and thrived for a generation. Sadly, ill fortune has begun to plague the small village. Failing crops, spreading sickness, and afflicted children mark Arroyo’s decline. As a descendant of the Vault Dweller the people turn to you, their Chosen One, to find something called a Garden of Eden Creation Kit. A GECK is a device that can make any plot of barren, irradiated wasteland into a flourishing paradise. If you can find it in time then Arroyo can be saved but a GECK is a rare thing and the wasteland is a dangerous place… what I’m saying is good luck.

History

Fallout 2 was developed by Black Isle Studios and published by Interplay Entertainment, just like its predecessor. Tim Cain still directed and Brian Fargo still produced but lots of the team changed around. Between Fallout 1 and 2 there was a mass exodus from Black Isle as team members couldn’t get satisfying answers from Interplay concerning the structuring of their new team. Having an engine and a setting all ready made more time for developers to create a larger world with more items and more systems.

Tim Cain, hard at work yet again.

Fun fact: This exodus created Troika, the developers who would create Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines.

Fallout 2 was released on September 30th, 1998. It’s competition was Pokemon Red and Blue (Gameboy), Metal Gear Solid (PS1), and Resident Evil: Director’s Cut (PS1).

Experiences

This game is difficult and expansive. I’ve spent hours wandering the wastes in my Highwayman or on foot trying to find cities, hidden encounters, and taunting raiders into ill conceived fights for caps and experience points. All this in order to grind in the empty hopes that someday I’ll have enough health to survive a Super Mutant’s mini-gun barrage. There are a lot of towns and a lot of quests, far more than Fallout 1. If you’re willing to risk nasty encounters and radiation poisoning you can find interesting things — although this creates a bizarre situation where it’s unclear whether radiation means ‘go away’ or ‘come closer’. I ventured out in search of new places and new people to help — or murder and rob — but it was never enough. I was never strong enough to reliably defeat my enemies and never tough enough to reliably survive. I’m not sure if I was playing the game wrong. I eventually resorted to using a character creation guide to make what the community regarded as the strongest character. This incredible difficulty might just be a result of the game’s 90s game design sensibilities. Save early and save often, I suppose.

Gameplay

What I wrote in the Fallout 1 review concerning gameplay will basically cover things here. Different quests, same mechanics, more perks, more items.

The major gameplay inclusion is idiot mode. If your character has 2 intelligence or lower they will be known as the Dim One. This completely changes the game as your character will be too dumb to communicate with normal people. That being said among other idiots and the occasional animal your character is considered a genius. Your only hope for a sensible interaction with the non-dim of the wasteland is to munch on some brain-boosting Mentats — but be careful to not get addicted. So if you’re looking for something silly then go forward, Dim One.

Behold, a conversation with the otherwise dim Torr through the eyes of a moron.

The Gush

There is only one game in the Fallout series in which it is possible to recruit a Deathclaw as a companion. It’s this one. If you be pure of heart then you can convince the erudite albino beast to join your quest. Even though he can’t equip anything his hide serves as decent armor and his claws can rip through enemies like a blade through tender Brahmin steak.

Art by Igliang. Goris is his name and he’s a real cool — and deadly — dude

New Vegas was good at offering multiple ways of completing a quest and it learned everything it knows from Fallout 2. But as the saying goes New Vegas didn’t teach everything it knew so it’s got some tricks up its sleeves. So broaden your mind, think about the ramifications of your actions, and how you want to solve a problem. Because if you think it will work, it probably will.

The cast of returning characters from Fallout 1 is respectable but not too immense. Harold and Tandi return — I always love to have a chat with Harold — but they’re joined by Mr. Bishop, Marcus the mutant sherrif, and First Citizen Lynette of Vault City. All these characters come with their own custom portraits and distinct attitudes and stories. And these are just the really big major characters because there are so many out there just waiting to be met!

This game has got a lot of humor in it, straight up. Some of the jokes land, some of them don’t, some of them break the fourth wall but in the end it left me in stitches.

HA HA! Censorship jokes.

The Kvetch

This game has got a lot of blind corners, so to speak. There are a lot of quest solutions with unforseen circumstances and a lot of quest circumstances with unforseen solutions. I’ve spent too much time talking to every character wondering if they’re able to help with one of the many quests I have active. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell which NPCs are vital, simply important, or mere peasants that spout off stock dialog because of the model re-use. It’s also difficult to tell sometimes what will set certain characters off and force an unwanted firefight. In short, I said to save early and save often and I meant it. This is the 90s, saving and reloading was the solution to this problem. But I don’t find it to be a satisfactory one.

Fallout 2 is hard as balls. I’ve made characters who were nearly unable to pass through the tutorial area despite being created to be as powerful as a level 1 wastelander can be. It wasn’t made with modern sensibilities in mind and sometimes your character literally will not have the skills to complete a quest to your satisfaction. It’s just incredibly difficult to create a satisfactory balance between making a character who can survive to the late game and being able to dominate late game threats. In short, do you remember that point in Fallout 3 where you got your power armor and became an unkillable death machine? That never happens here. At least Ron Perlman has something sarcastic to say every time you die.

The Verdict

Do you remember my Might and Magic VII: For Blood and Honor review? I said there that the enjoyment derived from the game was from mastering a series of systems and sending the game a big F U by beating it. Fallout 2 is like that but with more characters that I give a damn about and far more ways to influence the world. You’ll more likely need the guide than you did in M&M VII but the wasteland you’ll be exploring is so much more diverse and interesting than most other game worlds, especially of the time. This game will make you care in a way that M&M VII doesn’t. You can purchase it on Good Old Games or Steam for $10. If you were still interested in exploring the wastes then I suggest picking it up and keeping the Fallout wiki open on your browser for WHEN you get stuck or lost.

Next Week: Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel.

Just kidding, I meant to say Fallout: Tactics

Still joking, it’s actually Inside

Worms 2 (PC)

Um, there are worms… with little nub hands… and weapons. They fight each other and the last worm standing is victorious. With a wide arsenal ranging from bazookas, air strikes, dragon punches, and exploding sheep matches are a tactical chess-like battle of wits against the AI or a frenemy. These little pink bastards can dish out some serious carnage and mayhem at your behest.

History

Worms was the brainchild of Andy Davidson. Originally Worms was an entry in the Blitz BASIC programming competition it was picked up by Team 17. The original title was on the Commodore Amiga but was ported to other platforms. Before Worms 2 was released for computers everywhere Davidson created a Director’s Cut for the Amiga which he considers the pinnacle of the series. Worms: Director’s Cut was the final release for the life of the Amiga.

Why am I talking so much about Worms 1? Because there’s not much development information for Worms 2.

Worms 2 was released on February 11th, 1998. It’s competition was Tenchu: Stealth Assassins (PS1), Blasto (PS1), and Xenogears (PS1)

Experiences

Oh man, I used to play this game all the time when I was a kid! I used to make my own maps and make my own weapon layouts. Eventually though, every weapon pack was just everything pumped up as strong as it could be. Biggest explosions, biggest blasts, most absurd stats. Looking back on it, it might be pure carnage but it’s also really boring. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun in its own way. But it’s just not really tactically satisfying. It’s basically a chess game where each side of the board is just filled with rooks.

Gameplay

Worms 2 is a strategy game where each player takes control of a team of worms who must use their weapons and tools in order to reduce their opponents HP to zero, knock them into the water below, or blast them off the map entirely. You do this by using weapons like mortars, homing missiles, sticks of dynamite, exploding sheep, shotguns, whatever’s handy. And you can change positions with ninja ropes, parachutes, and teleporters. If those fail then the game will enter sudden death mode and the water level will rise, spelling certain doom for unfloating earthworms.

Did someone order a giant Concrete Donkey? I’m pretty sure you did.

You can face your friends in multiplayer or the computer in skirmish matches or an incredibly difficult campaign. The PC release originally had internet multiplayer but it was such a byzantine mess I could never get it set up when I was younger. I doubt it’s gotten easier now.

The Gush

It’s easy to get lost in the cartoonish mayhem and carnage and just have some great fun. I still laugh when I hurl a super sheep and it takes to the air with its ‘totally not Superman’ cape.

Some of the intro cinematics are actually pretty entertaining. I would recommend that the slapstick inclined look them up on Youtube.

This game has got a pretty good map editor. It allows the player to set whether it’s a cavern, island, or totally boxed in area without water. The player can disable sudden death mode if they’re not a fan of it. They can even create custom weapons packages and alter the settings for each weapon. You can even make custom teams with custom names and custom voice clips. What I’m getting at is that this game is incredibly customizable and that’s awesome. Mods not required, this game has got everything ya’ll need.

Hot map editing action!

The Kvetch

Holy hell, the AI cheats. They have a way of using the wind hurl projectile weapons right into your worms with unerring accuracy. I routinely have to set them to lower settings because they’re just that tough. Unfortunately that’s not a possibility in the campaign and I just don’t care to git gud.

The gameplay gets a little dry after awhile. There are only so many ways something can get blown up. If you’re not playing with friends then this title might not last.

If you were one of those people always playing the 2-d tank battle games with all the weapons and you’re not burned out. This title might scratch the itch.

The Verdict

This game is like drinking a glass of warm milk on a humid and hot afternoon. A glass of warm milk before bed is great! A hot afternoon can be comfortable under the right conditions. Humidity always sucks. All of this stuff is put together into an experience I no longer enjoy. If you’re able to focus on any of it more than the rest then it can be quite enjoyable but it pales in comparison to modern titles in the series and GOG.com no longer supports its internet multiplayer but it still supports local multiplayer. For the low price of $5.99 it will definitely entertain a ten year old for a few months on the cheap.

Next Week: Papers, Please

Battletoads (NES, Amiga, Amiga CD32, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega Megadrive)

Somewhere in space a crack group of cosmic commandos, the Battletoads, are escorting Princess Angelica back to her home planet with Doctor T.Bird piloting their ship, The Vulture. One of the toads, Pimple, takes the princess on a little joyride in his flying car… for some reason. At this point The Dark Queen’s ship, The Gargantua, tractor beams the little car into her ship and whisks them away to Ragnarok’s Planet — I’m gonna assume it’s as tough and awesome as it sounds. When Dr. Bird realizes what’s happened he dispatches the remaining toads, Rash and Zitz, to the planet to execute a daring rescue.

History

Battletoads was developed by Rare and published by Tradewest. The basic idea was to do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the way Rare wants to — oh yeah and sell a helluva lotta merchandise. The game started out as a stock beat ’em up but Rare designers found that to be too generic and as such added more varied mechanics and level types.

Fun Fact: Before they settled on Battletoads, Amphibianz was seriously considered as the title of the game — I’m glad the unnecessary Z made it into Zitz’ name.

Battletoads was released in June of 1991. It’s competition was Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis), Super Mario World (SNES), and Final Fantasy IV (SNES)

Experiences

I can’t begin to express what I find so humorous about the Battletoads Game Store prank. I can’t even explain how it’s a prank. It simply entails someone calling up a Gamestop and ask if they have a copy of Battletoads for purchase — I’ve also heard of a variant for calling up a store and asking for a pre-order for Battletoads II. I just think the concept of calling up a modern game shop and requesting a copy of Battletoads is simply absurd and therefore funny. Something makes it even funnier when you know the employee taking the call — but the clerk my local 3-D Games store would know nothing about that.

Gameplay

For such an old title Battletoads is a shockingly diverse game. At first glance it may seem like a mere beat ’em up but like a magnolia of pain it blossoms into something so much greater and devastating. It’s almost in a league of its own, Battletoads is like Battletoads, it defies analogy — if you put a gun to my head and asked, ‘WHAT GAME IS LIKE THIS GAME’ I’d probably wet myself but after I was done crying I would grudgingly shrug out Earthworm Jim?

From beat up ups, to climbing levels, to racing levels, to dodging levels, this game has got nearly anything you can do on two legs and a jet bike. This being said it’s also so fucking-mothering hard that I only made it to level three. I made it to the infamous jet bike level and only because I warped there from level 1! I couldn’t even beat level 2 legit — I couldn’t penetrate the Wookie Hole if you will. Get your patience, save states, skills, or whatever you got ready because this is the game that defined the term Nintendo Hard.

Seriously, the level is called the Wookie Hole.

The Gush

The music in this game is a marvel of chip-tunes. It creates a rough-and-tumble otherworldly atmosphere that makes me thrilled to go smash some alien scum with my muscly toad body — and get annihilated.

This game might be hard as balls but it’s got some codes and warps to help you through. Nearly every even numbered level has a hidden level warp in it so look them up if a stage is giving you trouble. You can also get some extra lives at the beginning of the game or on Continue screens by hold A, B, down, and then pressing start.

For it’s time and even beyond this game looks fantastic. The colors pop, the shapes and images are recognizable — if a little goofy — and it’s easy on the eyes.

You know who else is easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean… She’s going to destroy me, isn’t she?

For a game in which dying is a fact of life I never blamed the controls for a single death. I blamed the design and my own lack of skill a lot but I never thought ‘Why didn’t that work?’ or ‘I was totally pressing down!’

The Kvetch

I’m not exactly certain why our dear toads even have six health points. It seems like almost every attack does either one damage, half, or all of it. I was legit shocked when the pterodactyls from the first level killed me in one hit. With a life lost I crushed the thing and pressed on to be taunted by some healing flies which were now useless.

I’ve got to say, considering you’ll see the game over screen a lot, they’re all pretty funny.

The game has a devilishly good difficulty curve with each level ramping up difficulty until a crescendo if incredibly difficult tasks. This creates a problem however when I die late in a level and have to start the whole thing over again. Playing through the sort of ‘training’ parts repeatedly are really boring, mainly because…

… this game relies a lot on rote memorization. Things will ambush you, the speeder bike levels eventually turn into ‘do you remember the pattern?’, and there’s no recourse but to die and try to remember it for next time. It’s about as fun as a game of Simon and just as rewarding.

The Verdict

I’ve got to say that in my estimation this game is tooooooo hard for me. Call me a filthy casual who needs to git gud if you must but I’m just not a huge fan. If you want to own a copy of hard videogame history then Battletoads is actually a shockingly painless purchase. It’s on Amazon new for a mere 31 dollars, which might be pricey for an NES game but considering the insane collectible value of games I’ve been reviewing lately it seems like a breath of fresh air. If the concept of playing or beating a game that made me turn back — and I’m a guy who beat Bubsy — then give it a whirl!

Next Week: Little Inferno

Monster Rancher 2 (PS1)

More monsters and less plot this week. You play as a faceless monster trainer who wants to be the VERY BEST like no one ever was. With his faithful assistant Colt he or she will put their monster on a strict — or lax — training regimen and face other monsters in tournaments or in the wilds until it’s you vs the Champ.

History

Monster Rancher 2 was made by Tecmo and based on a semi-popular anime cartoon… and that’s basically all I know about it. The show was pretty well received. Its story about a group of adventurers who need to defeat the monster emperor Moo by finding the Phoenix monster who will resurrect all of the monsters Moo has destroyed. That being said, the Monster Rancher Cartoon is only vaguely related to the anime series. The monsters are the same but the plot is absolutely not. Now the world is a Pokemon level of nonsense world where monsters duke it out for human entertainment.

Monster Rancher 2 was released on February 29th, 1999. It’s competition was Final Fantasy VIII (PS1), Silent Hill (PS1), and Pokemon Snap (N64).

Experiences

Zuum concept art

The monster that I remember training the most was a Zuum who’s name has been lost to my memory. The little green bastard was born with a love for fighting — seriously his like from week 1 was fighting. This raptor was tenacious, hit like a truck, but couldn’t take a hit. He was a glass cannon with grit —  he actually had a hidden trait that could allow him to endure a knock out blow with 1 hp. One tourney he got knocked out and suffered an injury, the injury was deemed a serious one but came back in a mere 2 weeks. He was tuckered as hell but one week of rest later he demanded to go to the tourney next week. I sent him back out and he was absolutely joyful to be back in the action, I was terrified he would aggravate his injury again. In the course of the tourney he took revenge on the monster who broke him by knocking him out in return. The whole thing was like a great Pro-Wrestling story-line and totally emergent.

Gameplay

Monster Rancher 2 is a variant of the Life Simulator type game. The game is split between monster acquisition, training, and battling. Acquisition is a simple affair you can “buy” them from the market which sells the regulars and one seasonal monster with average stats. Or you can go to the temple and summon one from a disk by using your real life CDs. Summoned monsters tend to have more erratic stats and genetic combinations. Also in town you can freeze your older monsters and combine them together, sharing stats, and unlocking more advanced techniques they’ve learned.

Once you’ve got your monster you can pet him, love him, call him George and take him to your ranch at which point the training begins. Training consists of feeding it the right foods, giving it useful items, having it perform drills, and letting it rest. You can also, at a significant cost, send it on a month-long wilderness training excursion. You might not want to open up with this option though as the more your monster fails the more likely they’ll get hurt but… it is their only way to learn new techniques.

Monsters will also occasionally make demands of you, decline and you run the risk of disappointing them.

When its stats and loyalty are high enough it’s time to send it to a tournament. There it will face opponents of roughly similar strength in either a round robin or single elimination format. You can give it orders yourself or let it command the fight on its own. During a battle your monster will generate guts which it can use to attack its opponent with techniques that are segmented off by its distance from the enemy. If your monster’s loyalty is too low then it’ll waste the guts and try to get some yuks from the crowd or taunt the enemy, leaving it open to attack. Come out on top and you’ll get some money with a little extra for every opponent you knocked out or an item prize.

The arena designs might be simple but sometimes the camera has sweet action shots.

The Gush

The monster designs are simply cool. Every one of them has a pure form but also has a pallet swap when its combined with another monster which can lead to some impressively awesome or silly looking creatures.

I don’t know what this thing is but it’s absurd and badass all at once.

Every monster is also pretty expressive, especially for late 90s creatures. They all have animations for showing off their happiness, displeasure, apology, and other feelings. Learning your monsters tells is also a great way to earn its loyalty… and it’s fun.

RANDOM EVENT! This game has them. From expeditions to foreign lands or a sale at the store for a rainy month. It’ll pay for you to be vigilant and keep your monster in top form whenever possible. You never know when you’ll be called on for something special or limited.

The Kvetch

This game’s translation and localization really holds it back. You’re gonna need a guide to figure out what item descriptions are supposed to be indicating. I was totally lost in some conversations, especially way back in the day.

Actually, you’ll need a guide for everything in this game. There are a lot of hidden statistics and other mechanics that aren’t really hinted at by the game. From a monsters good/evil rating to their guts production or fat/thinness even monster unlocking mechanics are made secret to the player.

WHAT IS ALL THIS MESS?! WITHERING?! SHARPNESS?!

Oh yeah, you don’t start with the ability to train every monster. You can’t even have these locked monsters as a subtype of another monster. Worse yet, the game never explains this when you summon a monster from a CD it makes it seem like the CD has no relevant data on it. Let me clarify that every disk has a monster on it. If the disk doesn’t function, that’s one thing, but if the game says they can’t give you the monster then try again after you’ve reached a certain rank or won a certain event. But considering they don’t tell you that you’ve unlocked something it’s really a lot of guessing and checking.

The Verdict

I don’t know how you’re gonna get a hold of this one but if you can find a copy at your local pawn shop or flea market then I suggest you get it. It goes on Amazon for 25-180 dollars so unless you have a time machine it’s gonna be hard to come by.

Next Week: The Dark Tower

Azure Dreams (PS1)

Deep in the desert there lies an ancient and mystic tower. It is the only place where fabled monster eggs can be found, though monsters themselves can be found across the world. Monsters can only be raised by the first person they see when they’re hatched. Where there are strange creatures someone will want them. Where there’s a want it can be bought. Where there’s a buyer, there’s a seller. At the foot of the tower a city began to form and grow, Monsbaiya, made up of or supporting those who would brave the tower in search of the precious eggs and other loot.

Your father was one of these monster tamers and egg hunters. He would brave the tower hoping to some day reach its peak. When you turned five he left like any other day but something was different, there was an electricity in the air. The hours passed on, longer than he’d ever explored the tower’s paths. Clouds loomed over Monsbaiya laden with rain and crackling with thunder. With a peal of the storm’s lightning magical rays erupted from the tower’s crown scorching the desert — and scaring the hell out of everyone. No sooner had that ended a great seal overcame the tower’s top and with a great din the rain began. His monster came back but your father never did.

Ten years pass and your 15, of age to enter the tower. Your father’s fortune is all but spent. Monsbaiya, your family, and your life rest on your ability to master the tricks and traps of the tower of monsters. Climb to the tower’s summit like your father before you and see the Azure Dreams above the clouds.

History

I’ll concede, the only reason the introduction is so long is because I’ve got nothing here. Seriously, all I know is that this game was made by Konami. It might have been made by aliens and left on Konami’s doorstep for all I know.

Oh yeah, and there’s a gameboy De-make. It’s alright.

Azure Dreams was released on June 30th, 1998. It’s competition was Banjo-Kazooie (Nintendo 64), Megaman Legends (PS1), and Fallout 2 (PC).

Experiences

I mentioned that this game was made by Konami for the PS1 and anyone who was playing Konami games can see where this is going. For those who don’t, let me explain. Metal Gear Solid is another Konami game for the PS1 and it’s — more well known and better made, I mean — got a villain in it by the name of Psycho Mantis. This creep floats around and claims to be able to control your mind. As a demonstration of his power he reads your thoughts and can tell you what games you love based on the data on your memory card. Imagine if you will, little Renald at his Playstation in the dark late on a Friday night and Mantis hisses, “You like Azure Dreams, don’t you?” It blew my goddam mind and scared the hell out of me.

Gameplay

Azure Dreams is a turn-based, RPG, dungeon crawler, semi-roguelike with town building and dating simulator elements. Most of the gameplay is focused at the tower exploring its mysteries. The rules are simple and yet restricting. Whenever you enter the tower your level gets chopped to level one, but the levels of your monsters remain unchanged. Well, at least you can bring a bunch of monsters and your best sword/wand and shield… except the tower dislikes the greedy. The doors will only open if you have five or fewer items with them — and monsters count as items. And finally the floor of the tower changes every time you enter, so the challenge is never the same.

It should come as no surprise that the tower is filled with monsters. They are innumerable and will destroy you if they can. Have no fear of death though, your father’s spell preserves your life should you fall but you’ll be picked clean before you reach home — your monsters are still safe though.

When you’re not in the tower you can explore the town. Maybe buy some things for your home or start some building projects with a visit to the carpenter’s. You can improve and build many buildings in town beside your own, raising the town’s respect for you and improving the attitudes of potential suitors — but we’ll get to the ladies of Monsbaiya later. These buildings can unlock minigames and add flavor to the world.

You’ll also see this jerk around a lot so get used to seeing him… and humiliating him.

The Gush

There are quite the variety of strange and deadly monsters and they all have interesting abilities. From the Picket’s thievery to the Clown’s DeLevel spell and sinister visage. My favorite though, by far, is the Troll and his tool use. These little guys have got a makeshift society going and have learned to craft finely made weapons. These little bastards are rare but if you can tame one then you’ll be able to equip him with any troll tools you find from clubs to swords to a goddam crossbow.

They’re all great, quite frankly.

The character art for this game is fantastic. Prominent NPCs have character portraits in dialogue with different variations to reflect their attitude or emotional state. There’s nothing like frustrating Ghosh and being able to see the look on his big dumb face.

I adore the music in this game. Every time I enter the tower and hear its familiar tune I’m filled with an adventurous spirit. As I climb higher and higher the music grows more intense and sinister as the danger grows and the tension builds. It’s clear to see how each variation is built on the same theme but warped in some way to suit the feeling its meant to inspire in the player.

Building up the town up is fun and rewarding in a sort of pure way. Most of the projects don’t improve your odds in the tower — if it does then I’m unaware — but I still want to make Monsbaiya better than its ever been. Some of the building’s unlock minigames like bowling or horse racing. Others, like rebuilding your family estate or helping your friend fulfill his dream of performing on stage by building a theater, have purely narrative results. And of course there’s the casino where I always lose my shirt.

Always bet on black my foot.

The Kvetch

There’s a dark side to the town building though. There’s a romance system in this game with a total of seven possible options ranging from the book worm to an exotic dancer. Each one responds positively to different projects — the book worm doesn’t even appear until you build the library for instance. The thing that skeeves me out though is the emotionally manipulative tactics you have to employ to romance them. Seriously, if you don’t trick them into loving you then they get upset because you don’t care enough. They even fight over the sheer privilege of waking you up each morning, trying to elbow each other out of the way until there’s only one remaining. If you fix the swimming pool then you can even see them there bikini clad with brand new character art — as if you say, ‘you done good kid, here’s the swimsuit issue. The real problem comes in the matter of age. The main character is 15, the dancer is 21, but all the others are 17 or younger. One of them is 15, and this game has the gall to ‘treat’ you to a bikini pin-up of this child. Bluuuugh.

The ‘right’ answer is not that she saved you because you’re both humans but because she loves you, of course.

Most interactions are blocked off by binary choice dialogue in which you have to say what the other person wants to hear. A series of 50/50 near guesses until you get the right conclusion. I’m also lead to believe that everyone in Monsbaiya has a short-term memory problem because, for the most part, if you fail one of these dialogue encounters you can start it over the next day and they act like nothing happened.

The early game can be a real grind and even openly hostile to new players. As you pray to RNJesus for some decent monster eggs and other good drops you’ll have to throw in prayers for finding an item to allow you to leave the tower with your loot. This is a guide game. Look up an FAQ because this game won’t explain how monster combat and monster MP management works, how to use a wind crystal to leave the tower, or what certain items even do.

The poor translation really doesn’t help here. But it is hilarious.

Also, fuck rust traps.

The Verdict

I love this game with all my heart but sadly the cheapest I could find it was for $60 off of some used game website and it goes for $220 new on Amazon. It might be good but it’s not worth either of those price tags and it doesn’t look like it’s coming to any virtual console very soon… or ever.

Next Week: Monster Rancher 2

Earthworm Jim 2 (SNES, Sega Genesis, PS1, Sega Saturn, and PC)

If you finished Earthworm Jim  — on normal difficulty or higher, you get something more insulting and hilarious on easy — then you know that Jim blew his date with Princess What’s-Her-Name. After this blow to his ego, but not long after, the brutal mercenary Psycrow kidnaps the princess and plans to marry her in the Lost Vegas System. You see, the final boss of the first game was Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt who was the sister of Princess What’s-Her-Name and in her absence the Princess is the rightful heir. As such, if Psycrow can marry her then he becomes the King of Insectica! With all those riches and soldiers at his disposal he could easily… do… something… incredibly nefarious.

Jim boards his trusty pocket rocket and races across the galaxy to face his rival and save the love of his life. Run, jump, float, shoot, use Jim’s head as a whip, and face against the titans of the universe to reach Lost Vegas in time!

History

Earthworm Jim was developed by Shiny Entertainment and developed by David Perry and Doug TenNapel. You might know them as the guys who made MDK, Sacrifice, and The Matrix: Path of Neo. You might also know Doug TenNapel as an ultra-conservative christian who opposes gay marriage. Which is to say that if that’s an idea that you oppose and if the idea of buying something that will get him money displeases you then perhaps you’d best buy Earthworm Jim 2 used.

Earthworm Jim 2 was released on December 22nd, 1995. Its competition was Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness (PC), Final Fight 3 (SNES), and Megaman X3 (SNES).

Experiences

This game is one that inspires wonder in the player. Every level has something bizarre and new. It’s a cavalcade of the strange and unique from the Boss being a goldfish or the level having a unique mechanic. The only thing that gets recycled is the music, and only in two stages. It can be a little overwhelming actually. It seems like the rules are always changing but mastering each level has its own merit and enjoyment.

One level you’re running around and then you’re a blind salamander floating around an intestinal track. You literally never know what’s next.

Gameplay

Earthworm Jim 2 is a 2-D platfomer shooter — most of the time — with extremely silly elements. You play as Jim the lucky Annelid who slithered into a super suit and pledged himself to justice and Princess What’s-Her-Name’s heart. He punishes evil with his sweet red laser hand-cannon and throwing his own head like a whip — certain enemies are susceptible to certain attacks to try to mix it up in combat.

The things that come between you and victory are as varied as the planets in the cosmos. From blunderbuss wielding squid-billies and giant ants to giant sentient filing cabinets anything and everything can and will stand between Jim and the end of a level. Many of which end in boss fights that further mix up the rules and serve to challenge and baffle.

In what other game would you face a giant unicycle riding pupa?

For as many things as will harm Jim there are just as many things in each stage that will assist him. From health atoms, fire cores, or Jim’s favorite sandwich these things will keep Jim’s health up. Jim’s gun is now equipped to load various kinds of ammunition in addition to standard and super shots. Scattered and hidden in each stage are multi-guns, homing lasers, and the bubble gun!

Fucking Bubble Gun

Quite possibly the most important of them all are the Earth, Worm, and Jim flags which will allow you to warp to that level in the event of a Game Over. Using this warp however deprives Jim of any weapons or health bonuses from previous levels. So… get out there, kick some ass, and try not to die.

The Gush

Jim’s helicopter spin has been replaced with the Snott-chute and the whip grab has been replaced with the Snott-shot. These are named after Jim’s buddy Snott, the amorphous, green, feller who lives in his backpack and got Jim the suit in the first place. These moves are both more elegant — read forgiving, they make Jim look elegant — and much easier to perform. Gone are the days of frantically smashing the B button to decrease Jim’s descent speed — if it worked.

New weapons! And the ability to swap between them. Jim is no longer limited to his normal shots and powershots, nor is he locked into powershots if they’re available. The player can now cycle through ammo types one at a time until they find the right tool for the job. It can be a little hectic in the midst of battle trying to get the right weapon ready.

I mean, you might accidentally select the Bubble Gun.

Although I’m not confident in saying that it’s better than the original’s the music in this game is quite good. It’ll keep the player humming familiar tunes for weeks after they’ve put the game down. And if they pick it up again the tunes will rush back.

The Kvetch

This game is looong. Actually, it’s not that the game is long necessarily, it’s more that each level is just a little too long. They all outstay their welcome, in my estimation. I actually got lost in some stages and was more than a little frustrated.

This game is haaard. It’s not as difficult as the first — which I’m thankful for — but it’s still a game I have gotten so close to finishing and yet have not. Three lives, one continue, and the passwords that you have to unlock in each stage are just not quite enough to make it. I’d have to say that it’s almost the variety of the game that works against it. Every level is unique and as such the player has to learn new skills with every stage.

You’d best hone your old lady dodging skills and then immediately forget them because this crap never comes back.

I’m just gonna say it, there’s a stage where Jim has to bounce adorable puppies through the air into a dog-house. That probably sounds great but the problem comes into play when Jim fails — and by extension, the player. When a puppy hits the pavement he explodes into a shower of yellow juice and makes an absolutely soul-crushing, vomit-inducing, disgusting noise. It’s almost downright disturbing and it’s a stage that gets reused 4 times, as it’s the Andy Asteroids replacement.

The Verdict

If you’re the sort of person who loved Ren and Stimpy but missed this game then I suggest picking it up. It goes for $20 on Steam as part of the Earthworm Jim bundle that includes the first game and Earthworm Jim 3-D. Alternatively, it’s possible to acquire a cartridge or disc for classic systems on Amazon and other sites for around $24.

Next Week: Azure Dreams

Battle Realms (PC)

Long ago the demonic beings known as The Horde were bearing down on the remnants of the Dragon Clan. Their leader, Tarrant the elder, used the ancient artifact known as the Serpent’s Orb to drive back The Horde and, in doing so, broke the world. The remnants of his people renounced their old clan and renamed themselves The Serpent after the orb and to foster a new way of thinking for their new world. A path of ambition, industry, and brutal feudalism.

Three generations have passed since the establishment of the Serpent Clan and the clan has smashed and shattered by their Lotus Clan advisers and Wolf Clan slaves. The last remaining heir of Tarrant’s line, Kenji, must retake the continent from the two remaining clans. Will you reestablish the well oiled machine and strict caste system of the Serpent clan or will you embrace the old traditions of the Dragon Clan and try to restore the broken planet?

History

Battle Realms was the first game released by Liquid Entertainment. It was held in very high regard at the time for being a real-time strategy game in full 3D. It was also praised for its East-Asian aesthetic and innovative unit development system — instead of spontaneously generating units at buildings units train at those buildings. Despite its critical acclaim it wasn’t well marketed and sales suffered. A stand-alone expansion pack was released known as Winter of the Wolf to middling reviews.

I guess the fan base was not interested in barbarians of the ginger variety.

Battle Realms was released on November 7th, 2001. It’s competition was Stronghold (PC), Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (PS2), and Return to Castle Wolfenstein (PC)

Experiences

Patching can make or break a game. And this game, before the patch, was nearly a broken mess. When I played it as a kid I didn’t realize what was wrong with it — I mean, I thought Bubsy was a good game when I was a kid so… It’s plain to see in the pre-patch version that the characters either do too much damage or don’t have enough health and would generally die before I even had a chance to use their abilities. The low health also made the story campaign more difficult as the death of a plot relevant character forces you to lose the mission. Checking over the notes some of the abilities didn’t even work in the game before the update. Liquid entertainment released a series of patches known as the Battlepacks and these did a great job at fixing the broken parts of the game. Right on, Liquid.

Gameplay

Battle Realms is a real-time strategy game with internet multiplayer, skirmishes vs the AI, and two story campaigns. There are four different clans you can play as who all have different strengths, weakness, abilities, and themes. The story campaign limits your clan selection and training abilities at first but unlocks to the full tech tree by the end. The basic goal of a skirmish or campaign map is to create an army that balances its strength and weaknesses and counters the composition of your opponents army.

Unlike other RTS games you have peasants who can build peasant huts which produce more peasants who can train at military buildings. Those units can train at other buildings to become generally better or more specialized. These unit can acquire battle gear at select clan building to further specialize their abilities — although not all battle gear is created equal. Fighting enemies generates the clans moral element, yin or yang, which can be spent on clan-wide upgrades at training buildings.

You can also tame and employ horses which move faster than most units and can trample foes.

The Gush

It’s something very small but I love how gold is not a resource in this game. Units are loyal to the clan, by choice or by fear, and are trained in rice and water instead of gold or something else.

The soundtrack is steeped in recurring musical themes between the different clans. I began to associate metallic chimes with the Serpent clan and whereas I began to associate the Wolf clan with chanting and exuberant shouts. To top it all off each song has a peace-time mix and a battle mix, switching between them as the battle rages or dies down.

Almost every unit has a secret passive ability linked to their character. Bandits, for instance, can scavenge rice and water off of enemy corpses and the powder keg sumo can spread salt across his comrades and reduce the amount of magical damage they take. The abilities vary in power and impact but I feel like they all give each unit flavor such as Shinja’s Ye of little Faith ability which lowers magic damage he takes — and suits his pragmatic and cynical disposition. Unfortunately these abilities were only hinted at in the manuals and some do not make themselves readily apparent in the game.

And if you’re facing the dark magicks of the Lotus Clan then you’d best have magical protection

The animation in this game is quality stuff. When units are unselected they generally idle around and check their equipment and some even goof off. When you click them however they assume a battle-ready stance and are totally ready for your orders. This sort of attention to detail gives them all character.

The battles in this game are patently absurd. You’ll see a ginger Schwarzenegger wanna-be swing a giant wooden mallet against the armor of a professional samurai. It’s absolutely insane and I love it.

The Kvetch

I really dig the art style and graphic styles, don’t get me wrong, but some of the models were made poorly. Ballistamen for instance don’t have heads. They just sort of have faces sticking off their necks. And the proportions of some models are cartoonish at best.

Some of the campaign maps are broken and there are a few that present a brick wall of difficulty. Enemy bases are generally built as actual towns and thus sprawl across the entire map and as such you need to scour the whole area to ensure that no structures are standing — if a single peasant escapes they may be able to rebuild. And anyone who has played the game remembers the siege of Serpentholm as a totally unfair 2 on 1 battle.

First things first, this army looks awesome. Second thing second the whole north half is filled with enemy buildings.

The Verdict

Battle Realms is a slim $10 on Good Old Games and I’d say that’s more than enough for the sheer experience of the story campaign and the pure gameplay. That being said GOG is working on providing servers to get multiplayer back online. Play with your friends! Get totally smashed by strangers on the internet — It’s great! If lightning shooting Warlocks or comically large swords played straight interest you in an RTS then this game might be up your alley.

Next Week: Armello

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne (PC, XBox, PS2)

When we last left off with Max his life had gotten turned upside down by a new drug in New York known as Valkyr. Junkies on the stuff killed his wife and baby daughter and sent him on a revenge fueled trip into the criminal underworld. His undercover investigation into its trafficking led him to a shadow government organization, known only as the Inner Circle, that promised to bail him out if he could bring the whole Valky production and distrubution organization down. Max was able to accomplish this with a little help from local Russian Mob Boss, Vladimir Lem, his pure grit, and a healthy spoonful of angst.

The Inner Circle made good on their word and through coaxing, coercion, and blackmail Max was found not guilty on all charges and even returned to duty as a detective in the NYPD. Despite all of this, Max’s life is still missing something, his life is a generally empty mess. A new rotten filth has arrived in New York city though. A group of hit-men killing with impunity and preparing for some sort of gang war. To make things even more complicated Mona Sax, an assassin Max got chummy with in the last game, is also somehow involved. Max has got to figure out how these assassins are choosing their targets, what their goal is, and who they’re working for in this modern film-noir detective story — by which I mean, less investigating and more shooting.

Are you ready to get particularly hard-boiled this evening?

 

History

Max Payne 2 was developed by Remedy Entertainment, a studio basically known for making the Max Payne games. Sam Lake wrote the stories for both of the games — and provided the model for the face texture of Max in the first game (In this game, however, his face is modeled after actor Timothy Gibbson’s face). He would make a pure film-noir detective story without anything too crazy in it — I mean, by the end of it almost everyone has literally survived a bullet in the head but that’s par for the course in film noir.

Max Payne 2 comes with a whole new physics engine, a modified Havok engine to be precise. No longer to enemies drop in the same set 30 patterns, they now properly ragdoll. Objects can also be knocked over or used as cover if the situation allows it. INNOVATION!

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne was released on October 14th, 2003. It’s competition was Jak II (PS2), The Suffering (PC, PS2, and XBox), and Call of Duty (PC).

Experiences

I played Max Payne 1 when I was but a young-un of 16 or so but I didn’t get around to its sequel until around 2012, when Max Payne 3 was announced. I was so curious about whether the latest installment would be good that I wanted proper context about the events of the second game. I’d had it in my Steam Library, I’d bought it on sale forever ago, but I had never felt truly inspired to play it. I thought I’d had enough of Max’s story. When I was finished MP 2 I decided to actually not play Max Payne 3, now satisfied with MP 2’s conclusion to Max’s story — who knows, maybe I’ll play Max Payne 3 when they announce Max Payne 4.

Gameplay

If you’ve read the Gameplay section of Max Payne 1 then you know everything you need to know about Max Payne 2. A quick refresher though, Max Payne 2 is a 3rd person shooter. The camera is tactfully put above Max’s head giving the player good scope of threats in whatever situation Max might be in. Those situations will probably involve guns and the shooting thereof and that’s some degree of fortunate considering Max’s proficiency with fire-arms — and the quantity he keeps tucked into his coat.

You’ll need to remember the five Ds of gunplay. Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.

The big mechanical pull for this game lies in Max’s ability to enter bullet time. With a click of the right mouse button Max can initiate a slow motion dive or simply slow down time and give him the edge he needs in a fire-fight. Every enemy that Max kills an enemy while in bullet time slows the world around him even more, giving him, effectively, more time and making him more capable. In addition, killing an enemy outside of bullet time will refill the gauge a little bit in addition to its slow regeneration over time. This is Max’s major edge so don’t be afraid to use it when things get dangerous.

Spoilers but not spoilers. Mona is actually playable in some missions and has a sweet Sniper Rifle. Mona: 1 Max: 0

I should also mention that, although there are in game cutscenes, most of the story is presented through comic book panels. Narrated wonderfully by James McCaffrey, he brings the story to life and fills the player with a sense of grit.

The Gush

This game feels overall much smoother than its predecessor. Reloading during bullet time in MP 1 would take Max out of bullet time and into a potentially deadly situation. In MP 2 Max’s reloads in bullet time are replaced by an incredibly slick and equally implausible duck and twirl motion — it’s visually impressive, incredibly stylish, and totally useless but it works and looks cool. In addition, Max simply controls better, making the rare platforming much easier — and dodging bullets… that’s easier too.

The music in this game seemingly took the direction of, “The same. But more and kinda different.” Max’s theme has more polish and the music overall no longer has that sense of deep darkness of the criminal underworld. It presents music depicting a world of much more upper class obliviousness and corruption in its greater production values and more varied instrumentation. In short, I dig it.

Everything in this game is kind of “The same. But more and kinda different,” including Max’s injuries.

The Kvetch

The whole game Max obsesses about cracking the case. I know that he’s a film noir detective and by that virtue he must solve the mystery and beat up the bad guy but they could have given him a clear reason to crack the case. I guess I can dig it that Max takes this upon himself. But even when he’s figured out what’s going he doesn’t appeal to authority, he goes to solve the problem himself. I know that’s film noir as well but they never present a clear reason why Max can’t appeal to a higher authority or has to shoot, like, hundreds of dudes.

The Verdict

If you’re even remotely interested in a power fantasy in which you can take the law into your own hands, slipp into slow motion, and wipe out a squad of guys without reloading then this game is probably up your alley. It’s available in most locations for $10 or less and I’d say that’s a fair price for a delicious slice of film-noir action. My only caveat is that I would suggest that you play the original game before diving into this one but it generally runs for a mere $5 or less. Although they’re both a little dated, they still contain a mighty shine of that mysterious man who comes from the shadows and will put the night right with naught by his fast fists and his gun.

Next Week: Battle Realms